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August 28, 2018 at 1:02 pm #223459Mary899Participant
Dear anita,
Deciding to cut all the ties with your mom was indeed a courageous act on your part, and I do admire you for it. I Wish you lots of happiness and success on your life path.
As you said all I’ve always been afraid of ending up “wasting” my life because of my mom’s mental illnesses…although it was difficult I studied hard and got admitted to the best university of my country. I thought this may make her feel proud, but it didn’t. She simply uses me as a shiny tool to brag about so that she can satisfy her own ego around others. Also although I’m not allowed to invite people over I have a couple of good friends who help to keep my spirits up…I thought it’d make my mother happy to see me happy, but I was wrong.
Nowadays me and my mother do not talk very much…I leave the house early in the morning and come home late at night. Most of the times she greets me with a bunch of sarcastic comments, accusing me of disturbing her sleep, of being selfish and ungrateful, telling me how “fun” it is to have me around during summer vacations, insinuating that she wants me to leave as sion as possible. My father keeps telling me that she loves me, but it’s been a long time since I stopped believing that.
Most of the times I catch myself wondering how it must feel like to have a kind, supportive mother.
And what hurts me the most is that she wasn’t always as sick as she is now. I remember the days that she actually “cared” about me as her only child, cared about my health, about my studies, what I ate, etc. I even remember birthday parties and presents.
Now what is left of those days is a hole which is getting bigger and bigger year by year…a hollow which no degree of losing myself in my studies or hanging around with friends and family members can fill. Deep in my heart I know me and my mom’s relationship is never going to get better. Expecting any kind of improvement is just a false hope that I cling to simply because I’m too afraid of sinking.
Mary
August 25, 2018 at 2:03 pm #223053Mary899ParticipantDear anita,
It may indeed be about my mother…an old pattern which is going to keep repeating itself in various forms for God knows how long.
I really liked the suggestion implied from Peter’s reply though, that we should try to love those who hurt us, even if it means that the relationship needs to come to an end.
Do you have any other suggestions about the things I can do in order to deal with being hurt by others? If you don’t mind answering: What do you do, how do you arrange your thoughts when sb has hurt you?
Mary
August 25, 2018 at 2:02 pm #223051Mary899ParticipantDear anita,
It may indeed be about my mother…an old pattern which is going to keep repeating itself in various forms for God knows how long.
I really liked the suggestion implies from Peter’s reply though, that we should try to love those who hurt us, even if it means that the relationship needs to come to an end.
Do you have any other suggestions about the things I can do in order to deal with being hurt by others? If you don’t mind answering: What do you do, how do you arrange your thoughts when sb has hurt you?
Mary
August 25, 2018 at 1:50 pm #223049Mary899ParticipantDear Peter,
Your note reminded me of a notion which I truly want to believe in…that what we focus on expands. You are right…I guess instead of putting my focus on how much I “dislike” a cetrain person who has hurt me, I need to try to “love” them as a small part of the entire creation. This will automatically remove all the traces of doubt and fear, and will be for my own good in the long run.
Thank you for your moving words.
Mary
August 24, 2018 at 1:19 pm #222911Mary899ParticipantDear Peter,
Thank you for your reply.
Just to clear things up, the relationship that I wrote about had nothing to do with romantic love…it was just a normal “friendship”.
I do agree that the experiences that I went through in college didn’t quite match up with what I was previously taught about life. I used to believe being nice to people would always mean they’ll be nice to you in return. Apparently I was wrong, and apparently I’m having a hard time adapting my perspective to the reality of life.
Mary
August 24, 2018 at 1:10 pm #222905Mary899ParticipantDear anita,
Thank you for your reply.
With regards to my mom…there finally came a point that I realized I could no longer continue living like that, so I got a job which requires me to be away from home most of the time. Also my relationship with my mom has shown signs of improvement.
However, as I wrote in my reply to Inky it seems as if I find in uncomfortable not to have sth to worry about…either it’s my job, my mother, my grandmother’s health issues, my falling behind my studies…and whenever other things seem to be working out perfectly, I go back to feeling guilty and worrying about my failed friendships.
Mary
August 24, 2018 at 12:59 pm #222901Mary899ParticipantDear Inky,
Thank you for your reply.
It is interesting how I, too, have drawn the conclusion as you. Indeed she seemed to be suffering from the “who do you think you are” syndrome. However, taking the matters in this way leaves me almost blameless, and it seems as if I’m not, however unconsciously, willing to let myself pass that easily. Not having sth to feel guilty about seems uncomfortable at times.
I did write her a note saying I hadn’t said those things and that she knew both me and that girl…she saw the note but never replied. I guess I have done everything I could do though..
Thank you again.
Mary
January 5, 2018 at 1:29 am #185149Mary899ParticipantDear Chelsea,
Thank you so much for your recommendations.
It is such a relief to know that I’m not alone in my experience, and I’m so gladown that you’ve found a number of practical ways to deal with negative emotions.
What you said: “I didn’t want people disappointed in me because it makes me feel worthless, which only happens because I don’t see my OWN self worth, so I seek external validation from others via people pleasing to ‘create’ my worth.” precisely resembles my own experience. It is as if my worth depends on having a good reputation, and as soon as I sense someone may damage it by, say, speaking ill of me, I become extremely anxious.
It would be very kind of you to send me the links for a number of articles on tiny Buddha that you have found to be especially helpful.
I did a quick search on DBT, and it seems to offer all the things that I need to work on: Mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness.
Have you read any books on DBT which you have found insightful?
I am currently working on being a passive observer of my emotions, to stop identifying with every single negative thought that pops in my mind. I hope that there comes a day that I have turned it into a habit.Thank you again.
Mary
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Mary899.
January 5, 2018 at 12:01 am #185145Mary899ParticipantDear anita,
Thank you for your insightful reply.
Yes, I agree that my feeling distressed over other people being angry with me is mostly related to a great sense of danger and fear. The thing is, I have been brought up in a small city in which there is a great emphasis on “being a good girl” in its traditional sense. Ever since I can remember my parents, grandparents, etc. have been talking about how important it is to have a good reputation, which basically translates to the fact that you have to keep up your good appearances at all costs. “A good girl”, as they believe, should not do anything that may result in people talking badly about her because this will cause damage her good reputation.
Therefore, the worst kind of punishment is not of the physical type, but it is one that will make your failures and shortcomings public. I precisely remember a time when I had received a low grade on mathematics in elementary school. My mother, after having found out scolded me severely. I remember imploring her not to tell anyone about it, however, the next day, she called my grandmother, telling her about my low score as I was standing right there, powerless and unable to do anything.
This memory has stuck with me ever since, and I have lived most of my life to avoid it being replayed at all costs. Subconsciously I associate any sign of anger and dissatisfaction with a damage to my reputation, of failing to live up to the standards of a ” good girl”. The angry person may not hold a physical threat, but nevertheless he/she has the potential to belittle me, scold me or talk behind my back, resulting in me feeling powerless and inadequate. I’m still yet to find a solution to overcome this obsession.
Mary
January 4, 2018 at 6:58 am #184997Mary899ParticipantDear Chelsea,
Thank you for your reply.
Just as you mentioned, I am very well aware that I am a people pleaser, a quality which is rooted in having a rough childhood. I too used to go out of my way to please my parents. As I am interested in self improvement, I have read a number of books and articles on the importance of being my authentic self. However, it seems as if I still haven’t “internalized” all that information. Theoratically I “know” that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings and that it’s not possible for everyone to like me, however, as soon as I receive an angry look or an unfavorable remark, I dwell on it for hours, which is nothing but a sheer waste of time.
November 13, 2017 at 2:21 am #177871Mary899ParticipantP.S: I have never cheated.
November 13, 2017 at 2:18 am #177867Mary899ParticipantDear anita,
One month has passed…I was hoping that as you said, they would think of the mess caused about 5 months ago as sth that belongs to the past. I tried cutting all the ties and keep as great a distance as possible, trying to focus on my studies. However, as it appears they’re not willing to let it go. They talk behind my back, making up stories and rumors, and if anyone tries to say sth in my defense they later accuse me of ” having shared the story with people who were not involved, trying to play the victim.”
Recently they have said I’ve cheated my way through becoming the top student in class 6 semesters in a raw.
I don’t know what to think or how to react. More than anything, I want to be able to feel good and at ease despite all that is going around…to no longer have this unpleasant feeling in my chest.
Mary
October 7, 2017 at 9:41 am #172073Mary899ParticipantDear anita,
You are right…I guess my feelings are way too intense.You know, by the time she told me that she’s said to the narc that she may want to do the project singlehandedly, I couldn’t help thinking why she didn’t just tell her that she wants to be in my group and not hers in the first place. Was she afraid/ashamed of telling her this? And what was the point in telling ME she had told the narc that she may want to do her project alone? I thought by telling me this she may have wanted to imply that she doesn’t want the narc to know she wants to be with me, and I thought I was respecting her decision by not bringing it up in the narc’s presence. I guess she didn’t see the things the way I did.
Now I’m worried…I don’t want her to end up on her own because of me. I don’t know whether I have done everything I could to clear the air. I didn’t want our friendship to end over sth as trivial as that. It seems no matter how much I try, as long as the narc is in the picture, I always end up on the square one. I guess the only way is to let go of everyone who is somehow involved with her…come to think of it, I’m already rejected by all our mutual friends. She was the last one.
Mary
October 7, 2017 at 6:43 am #172039Mary899ParticipantDear anita,
The girl that I am talking about is a mutual friend of mine and my narcissistic friend. She is aware of all that has gone between us, she tried to act as a peacemaker, failed ( I believe her attempts actually resulted in worsening the matter to an extent) and then said she’s not gonna pick a side as that would come off as an immature act. She has had her own fights with the narcissist in the past…I get this impression that despite being critical of her behavior in her absence, she’s somehow afraid of her and wants to gain her approval so badly…sometimes what she said about her in her absence did not match the level friendliness that she showed in her presence.
So, after she said she’d turned down the narc’s request for joining her in a group project, I honestly didn’t think she was, to quote her own later words, “doing this so that you (Mary) wouldn’t be left on your own.” I simply thought she was doing this because she thought I had proven to be a student with a greater sense of responsibility.
A bit later after saying she’d like to group up with me she said she didn’t know how the narc was going to react to the turning down of her request. She said “I told her I may go to the professor and ask her to do my project single-handedly.” So, I thought she’s somehow afraid of the narc finding out that she wants to be in my group as we were not on good terms, and that maybe she wasn’t that serious about this suggestion after all. On the day on which we were to announce our group members she was sitting next to the narc, and didn’t even look at me once as we were to choose our team members. Someone else asked me to group up with her…I said OK. This girl announced the potential members of the group to the prof. After that I told her I guess the friend may want to be with me, but I have to check first. I did so after the class, telling her although I’d be happy if she were in my group, I understood if she felt uncomfortable about how the narc may react if she realized she wanted to group up with me at the expense of turning down the narc’s request. She said she didn’t understand what I was saying, that she had turned down her request because of me, and that was the way I had chosen to than her. I explained that I didn’t know she was doing this for me, and that her earlier saying on talking to the prof to do her project single handedly had left me confused. I also said that on the day that we were to announce the potential members of our groups she was sitting next to the narc, making it impossible for me to reach out to her.
Any way, this friend no longer talks to me as she believes I’ve betrayed her in a way. I don’t believe I have, but it hurts.Mary
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Mary899.
October 5, 2017 at 6:43 pm #171787Mary899ParticipantDear anita,
I tried my best to do as you said, to not to be too hard on myself. However, right at the time when I thought I was making some progress, I lost another friend. Simply put, she said she was making sacrifices (e.g turning down narcissist’s request to join her on a group project) so that I wouldn’t be left alone. Now that I didn’t seem to appreciate her enough for this, she was out. I didn’t mean to under appreciate her. Besides, I didn’t have a clue she was doing this so that I wouldn’t be left alone. I told her these…she said ok. I guess I have lost her friendship as well.
Now I feel like a total wreck. My heart aches terribly as I feel unworthy and sinful. When will all these things come to an end? What can I do to remove the pain?
Mary
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