So with cases like this, it really helps to dig to the root cause of your perfectionism–in this case, it sounds like you’re a people pleaser who doesn’t like disappointing anyone. I’m the exact same way. For me, it’s rooted in having a turbulent (ha!) childhood with parents who were regularly upset with something or another, so as a child, I started going out of my way to make mom and dad happy; that habit then became thoroughly ingrained in all my interpersonal relationships. For me, what helped a lot was reading about boundaries in interpersonal communication, and how to better enforce my own personal boundaries. It taught me that it’s never really possible to get everyone to like you, and that someone else’s emotions aren’t my responsibility to ‘fix’. (And, sometimes, trying to ‘fix’ the situtation is actually a far worse choice.) It allowed me to learn how to just be me, not a people pleasing me.

Hope this helps!

Dear Mary:

I view this perfectionism in interpersonal relationships you described as your fear of other people feeling angry with you, fearing what they might do when angry at you.

This is a Severe Case of Fear, as I see it (referring to the title of your thread).

I am thinking it came about as a result of a parent expressing his/ her anger at you in aggressive ways, hurting you, punishing you, and you keep fearing the same thing from anyone and everyone.

You do all you can to prevent it, when interacting when others, and when you sense anger from others, you become very anxious, focused almost exclusively on your perceived danger. All animals, including humans, when sensing danger, focus on that danger until it is resolved.

The Remedy you are seeking to find is in being able, at one point on, to separate anger-the-feeling from aggressive behavior.

You can see already, that many and maybe all those times when others were angry at you, as an adult, that your fear was unfounded, that is, those people’s expression of their anger, be it a displeasure you detected in their faces, a tone in their voices, ignoring you, etc., that those expressions were not harmful to you, in reality. Other than the distressed triggered in you, your person was not in real danger.

Do you agree?

anita

Dear Mary:

You are welcome.

You received a low grade in mathematics in elementary school. Your mother scolded you. You implored her not to  tell anyone. The next day, in your presence, she  called your grandmother and told her.

A child naturally expects her  mother  to love and  protect her. When your mother hurt you, purposefully, after you imploring her, that  must  have  been a  shock.

It is not the reputation alone that hurt you, I believe, but the fact that  your mother chose to  hurt you.

This kind  of betrayal is  a physical experience: chemicals are released in your brain, and  in your body, neurotransmitters, hormones that bring about the physical sensations  and experience of  fear.

When fear  is not comforted (your mother did not comfort you; she hurt you), it stays. It  becomes anxiety. Anxiety is as  physical as physical can be.

Perfectionism, the word you used, is one way to try to avoid feeling the fear. If only everyone  thinks only positively about me, then I will be safe.

Of course, this can never happen as we cannot read others’ thoughts and even if  we could, how could we possibly read so many thoughts at  any one time? There are  many people all around us.. and away from us who know us to some extent, each person thinking and thinking and thinking.

There is the reputation worry and there is the  betrayal.

The remedy you are looking for is in the  slow, slow process of healing. Quality psychotherapy, the  DBT, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Chelsea recommended, including Distress Tolerance and Mindfulness. CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is helpful as well.

No quick and easy solution. I  wish there was.

anita

I’ve always had a serious case of perfectionism that started in high school and continues to this day.  I’m going to post a link to an article that describes why I developed this.  Its titled, “If I’m perfect, no one will reject me”.  I had a lot of rejection growing up from peers (especially girls) that led to very low self esteem.  I developed this belief that appearing perfect to others, was the only sure fire way to prevent being rejected.  I felt I could not make a mistake because I would be judged very harshly and rejected.  Its a very stressful way to live when you constantly fear that your false appearance will be exposed.  It was this inner, chronic stress that I put on myself that lead to my generalized anxiety disorder.  The article is at:    www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2734/if-im-perfect-no-one-will-reject-me-healing-perfectionism.html