Dear Fatima,

I wish i could sit down with you and just chat with you about how we both feel. My childhood and teenager experience was one of self hatred and failures. A dad who was not approachable in any way and a mum who “doesn’t believe in depression “I was the stereo-typical classroom weakling, ugly, seven stone  and 5 foot tall and the pain of PE classes and having to wear a vest still to this day make me shudder. I left school and bounced from job to job eventually finding one in a local factory where upon the opening ceremony of a new building i was thrown around by a group of men like a rag-doll in front of their laughing wives/partners. And was told that i would never lose my virginity, get a girlfriend. I stuck it for 10 years and during that time took up boxing and training to improve myself  and a lot of the bullies left me be. At the age of 27 i left the factory for a new challenge. I re-trained to be a tree surgeon, which in hindsight was a huge mistake, and met the only girl who i felt ever looked at me let alone want to sleep with me and married her. I had a fairly settled period for a time but the negative thoughts and experiences have always been an anchor pulling me down and they never go. After a couple of career moves which were not good for me i then found myself in a job with people who i despised and were lazy/dishonest but i really tried and the pay was good, my wife does not work so……and guess what? I was made redundant and they kept their jobs! I then had the worst 3 months ever trying to find work which for a 44 year old tree surgeon is not easy (young mans game and i have injuries!) The company interviewed me as part of the redundancy process and they offered me a promotion. I was desperate to leave but felt that i had no choice but to stay there due to fact we had just remortaged and i had used up my savings to move to a bigger home for our children. I was thrown into this job with no real training and have been shouted at for not doing it right, even though my manager is worse than useless. I had one more job on the back burner which i was due to start Friday and guess what? This morning a friend came over to get some of my paperwork and informed me that in the re-structure i have kept the manager who has removed whet little hope, self respect and optimism i have. One hour after turning down the other job, which i knew i could but pays so much less that i have no choice but to stay where i am…… I can not tell you how many times i have googled best way to kill yourself, lost all hope etc. I hate myself to a point that even looking at my kids cannot shake me out of wanting to end my life. My whole life has been a struggle and long story short. Like you my friend i cannot find any reason for self love and respect. God forbid i drank, i don’t as i am tea-total, or did drugs because i would be dead. But i don’t want to be me….. So there you have it. I cannot stop the negativity, dark thoughts, and the thought of going on fills with me dread. I wish for fatal cancer or a car crash, both of whom would see my family ok due the life cover paying out, suicide would not. What you say resonates with me so much that i joined this site today (the first time i have ever done such a thing!) just to write this down and tell you that you are not alone in thinking how you do. I wish you the peace and the happiness that i can see by your story that you so richly deserve. For me i feel it is too late.