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I can't seem to discipline my mind-Negativity has gotten out of control

HomeForumsTough TimesI can't seem to discipline my mind-Negativity has gotten out of control

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #164830
    Fatima
    Participant

    For the past 10 years, I have dealt with a divorce, poverty, loneliness, misguidance, and friends and family turning their backs on me. Despite those challenges, I struggled and somewhat managed to graduate from college, travel and live in different countries, and meet incredulous people. But, I have had more downs than ups and I believe the hardships and impacts of life and trying to get out of poverty has stigmatized my ability to be positive and grow, learn and let go…I am not producing positive growth in my life at the age of 32, I am working to pay one bill to another, dealing with devastatingly blow with people that I considered friends and family. I have read books, got help, exercised, had my up and down talks with God and myself…I have tried but can’t make a definite change in my life.

    However, I can’t be positive in my outlook and I can’t let go of the negativity…it’s like my brain or my subconscious is so deeply embedded in bad thinking or huge crevices of  doubt, fear, and lack of worthiness. I just don’t know what to do anymore, how I am supposed to exist…attract and bring vibration of love and goodness, if I am swamped with negativity.

    #164900
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Fatima:

    You wrote: “it’s like my brain or my subconscious is so deeply embedded in bad thinking or huge crevices of  doubt, fear, and lack of worthiness”- what you list here are mental habits, the habits of the brain. It habitually plays thoughts of doubts, fear and lack of worthiness because it has been doing that for so long. It is not different from the body habitually resting, used to lying down all day, every day. The thought of exercising daily is… very uncomfortable and the person cannot imagine exercising.

    Habits are difficult to change, be it habits of the mind and habits of the body.

    One thing that makes habit more difficult to change is keeping the same people in your life who discourage you from making desirable changes:

    You mentioned that your family turned their backs on you. Then you wrote that you are “dealing with devastatingly blow with people that I considered friends and family”- does this mean you are still interacting with family members who turned their backs on you, trying to win their approval perhaps?

    anita

    #164916
    Elliot8
    Participant

    Dear Fatima,

    I wish i could sit down with you and just chat with you about how we both feel. My childhood and teenager experience was one of self hatred and failures. A dad who was not approachable in any way and a mum who “doesn’t believe in depression “I was the stereo-typical classroom weakling, ugly, seven stone  and 5 foot tall and the pain of PE classes and having to wear a vest still to this day make me shudder. I left school and bounced from job to job eventually finding one in a local factory where upon the opening ceremony of a new building i was thrown around by a group of men like a rag-doll in front of their laughing wives/partners. And was told that i would never lose my virginity, get a girlfriend. I stuck it for 10 years and during that time took up boxing and training to improve myself  and a lot of the bullies left me be. At the age of 27 i left the factory for a new challenge. I re-trained to be a tree surgeon, which in hindsight was a huge mistake, and met the only girl who i felt ever looked at me let alone want to sleep with me and married her. I had a fairly settled period for a time but the negative thoughts and experiences have always been an anchor pulling me down and they never go. After a couple of career moves which were not good for me i then found myself in a job with people who i despised and were lazy/dishonest but i really tried and the pay was good, my wife does not work so……and guess what? I was made redundant and they kept their jobs! I then had the worst 3 months ever trying to find work which for a 44 year old tree surgeon is not easy (young mans game and i have injuries!) The company interviewed me as part of the redundancy process and they offered me a promotion. I was desperate to leave but felt that i had no choice but to stay there due to fact we had just remortaged and i had used up my savings to move to a bigger home for our children. I was thrown into this job with no real training and have been shouted at for not doing it right, even though my manager is worse than useless. I had one more job on the back burner which i was due to start Friday and guess what? This morning a friend came over to get some of my paperwork and informed me that in the re-structure i have kept the manager who has removed whet little hope, self respect and optimism i have. One hour after turning down the other job, which i knew i could but pays so much less that i have no choice but to stay where i am…… I can not tell you how many times i have googled best way to kill yourself, lost all hope etc. I hate myself to a point that even looking at my kids cannot shake me out of wanting to end my life. My whole life has been a struggle and long story short. Like you my friend i cannot find any reason for self love and respect. God forbid i drank, i don’t as i am tea-total, or did drugs because i would be dead. But i don’t want to be me….. So there you have it. I cannot stop the negativity, dark thoughts, and the thought of going on fills with me dread. I wish for fatal cancer or a car crash, both of whom would see my family ok due the life cover paying out, suicide would not. What you say resonates with me so much that i joined this site today (the first time i have ever done such a thing!) just to write this down and tell you that you are not alone in thinking how you do. I wish you the peace and the happiness that i can see by your story that you so richly deserve. For me i feel it is too late.

    #165088
    Mia
    Participant

    Dear Elliot,

    Please don’t lose all hope. It is never too late. Look at what you have achieved throughout your life. You got through your teenage years, you survived the factory job all those years, you’ve gone on to create a relationship and have your beautiful children and you still have your job and your home. You sound like quite an amazing guy to me. Why can’t you like yourself more? you don’t have to think your the top guy in everything but please don’t beat yourself up so much, you sound like a master in self flagellation!!!!  ( I do this to myself and then sometimes have to take the rise out of myself for being such an idiot ) don’t be so hard on yourself, give yourself some credit for what you have achieved and give yourself a lot of self love. And what the hell is wrong with being ugly, 7 stone and 5ft tall?????? you are unique. Try to be grateful for what you have and who you are. Well done for looking at Tiny Buddha and asking for help. Keep reading and posting, reading other peoples stories will help you too. Hopefully it will inspire you to do more self help to love yourself more. I myself am not always positive but I try not to let the negative thoughts win. It is my choice which thoughts I take through my day.

    Hold on, just take it one day at a time. You will be ok and smile again. You just need to know other people feel like you do and come through it. It’s your life Elliot, don’t let your thoughts take it away from you. Knock that chattering monkey off your shoulder.

    I wish you the peace and happiness that you wished Fatima.

    Mia

     

    #165116
    Elliot8
    Participant

    Hello Mia,

    Thank you for your kind words. What you are saying is correct but it can be easier said than done sometimes. As you probably know the “chattering monkey” you alluded to can be very persuasive and when you make as many bad choices as i seem to have made then the chattering very quickly becomes a noise heard above all others. I have been listening to some self help videos the past day and have been exercising, which is something that always levels me up, but the future terrifies me, mostly due to the fact that i seem to choose the wrong way. I am terrified of losing my home and my kids, my wife and i are pretty much strangers thanks to the events of the past year at work, and i just do not want to keep going. I do wonder if i am meant to be “normal” and also if i am really cut out for all of this? It’s strange that something that is gone can still seem so fresh and something that has not yet happened can seem so awful?

    #165134
    Mia
    Participant

    Hi Elliot,

    Yes I realise it is easier to say it than make it happen, very much so. Hopefully with the steps you are taking I think you will. You have already started the process. You say you wonder if you are meant to be normal, what is normal??? nobody is normal, you seem to me to be quite a sensitive soul and the world is a scary place. But it can also be a wonderful place if you can just find your place in it. How can an innocent baby born into the world not be cut out for it? it is just the conditioning you have learned from a young age that has overtaken you and messed with your head. I don’t know if you would be interested in looking up a guy by the name of Mooji on u tube. You may have already heard of him. He is a spiritual teacher but used to be a school teacher. A lot has happened to him in life. He makes a lot of sense of the nonsense of the monkey on our shoulder.

    I wish you well Elliot and hope that your life gets better with every small step.

    Mia

    #165188
    Elliot8
    Participant

    Hey,

    You are very perceptive. I hate the fact that i am “gifted” with both extreme sensitivity and i am massively reflective.  I feel that sometimes i cannot take it, hence the fact that i want to be away from all of this. I will look him up and see what he thinks.

    All the best to you Mia, i wish you every happiness and success.

    E

    #165200
    Mia
    Participant

    I think you might like what he thinks!!! I have never posted on a site before and even though Fatima has problems you spoke to me more. I could feel your despair! today maybe not as much! think about your parents and what you want to be for your children. I had the most wonderful childhood with loving parents but still grew up with low self esteem! confidence I have greatly but am I worthy? loving myself is a major deal for me. I am happily married but almost self destruct as I can’t imagine why he loves me so much as in my head I don’t love myself, so for all my trying to help you I need help myself. I can only believe in myself, thats all I have really. I tell my sister to look in the mirror and see the gorgeous things about her , not the negatives, but find it hard to do myself. I don’t know if you have thought of the medical alternative but a few years ago I was getting divorced from my first husband and I went to my doctor as I wasn’t coping well, he put me on a very mild antidepressant and it helped me so much. I sailed through everything that would normally have really upset me. I look back now at some of the correspondence we had and think wow! was that me as I was so articulate and on the ball and beat him in court. You seem quite intelligent so obviously you have thought of this route? that your seratonin levels may be low? forgive me if I’m way off!!!

    #165220
    Elliot8
    Participant

    Hello,

    Thanks for your response, i have so many similarities with you it is quite uncanny. I give exactly the same advice as you have described to people who have similar struggles but can i take it myself? No, not in the slightest.  My self esteem is non-existent. Like you i am confident in some ways, training and fitness for example, but i look in the mirror and still see the person i was that was bullied and hates himself. Every mistake i make and wrong decision sticks to me like some kind of emotional glue and i wish i could just not be me. You sound like you have done an amazing job of turning your life around and the fact that you have moved on from a divorce, which by the sounds of it you handled incredibly well, and found yourself someone who treasures you is something to be proud of. I have been to the doctors, some time back and i am not sure where you are posting from ( i would guess the States looking at the time differences?) but here in the UK mental health/depression is not very well “treated”. There is still a stigma to depression and one of the first things seeking medical help would do would be to invalidate my life/health cover and also it would be on my record which i don’t want. Heaven forbid if my family ever discovered i was on them.  But i know there is something wrong with me, i am not sure if it is a product of my experiences or something in my genes but i do have a problem and have had so for most of my life..  As Fatima discusses in the post that got us talking letting go of negativity is hard. In terms of medication i was offered them but… I have never drank, smoked or taken a drug in my life. The thought of taking “pills” is at odds with my other side which does not want to rely on something that i may become addicted to.

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