Hi Anita,

Thanks for your validation on the rationality and sensibility of my posts! Which I guess also gave me the experience of what you described as the validation by the therapist (although I know you are not my therapist and this is not a psychotherapy relationship). And I can see how it may possibly make him feel better when he knows that he made the right decision and that I am happier now.

And I am thankful that you opened this other way of thinking which I have tried it out and through this practice, it created other pathways of thinking too. I do not feel as fixed on that thinking that if I am happy, it reinforces his misery and suffering. Cos there are other ways of thinking about it.

Other pathways of my thoughts now:

– It would be a load off his mind that he does not need to worry about me or feel like he ruined my life.

– If I love someone, I would be happy to see them happy too. So I also think about how I feel when I see he is out with friends. I also feel happy that at least he has his friends for support even though it is mixed with some wistfulness. So end of the day, he will probably feel happy for me too that I am living life.

– Even if he does really feel miserable, it may not be a bad thing too. It could work in the way that he may feel motivated to do something about his situation.

– Or maybe if he sees that I am happy, it may spur him to want to match up or in some day inspire him to do something different.

etc etc

And I guess end of the day, like you said these are things that are out of my control too. I cannot predict how he feel and even if I know how he feels, we all deal with these feelings differently. It could turn either way and there are too many possibilities of what can be happening when he sees that I am happier now and there is no point in predicting how he feel and then adjust my life accordingly.

I can only be happy for my own sake and just focus on what I can do for myself now. And that would reinforce my feelings of being resourceful, competent and in control 🙂 I will also be mindful of the traps that you have detailed out too.

About the origin of the guilt, I think I do have some inkling myself where it came from. Id just share even though you said perhaps for another time to look into.

1) Childhood

Since young, I think there was the subtle message that my needs are not as important as my siblings. I would often be told to give in to them and make do with what I have. This is to avoid conflict and just make things easier for my parents to manage. Thus I grew up with the thinking that it is wrong to fulfil my own needs and others’ needs are more important. Luckily for me though, as we grew up, my siblings and I matured and we are very loving towards each other now. Thus, that pattern of me having to sacrifice my needs has not been perpetuated till adulthood.

(I guess this is also why I see parallels between me and my ex-bf’s situation just that unfortunately his case is perpetuated till today and he is still stuck in that cycle with more serious repercussions.)

But in any case, the damage was done in that for a long time I lived with the mentality that my needs are not as important and it took me a while through therapy to realise this and to accept that my needs are important too.

I guess in this case, the guilt may originate from me fulfilling my own needs now and it does not feel right. My ex-bf is someone I love dearly and he felt like family. So probably in some way I felt like I am fulfilling my needs and neglecting his which results in the guilt. It feels selfish of me to do so.

2) When my mother had cancer

Another origin could possibly be that my mother had cancer and she passed away a few years back. Through her battle, I experienced this sense of helplessness that I could not alleviate her suffering.  I always wish that I could have done more for her when she was suffering. I suppose with my ex-bf, the feeling of helplessness is re-experienced and I also similarly wonder if there is more that I could do now to alleviate his suffering.

But I guess I also realised in this case, not doing anything is probably doing something for him. And his suffering is not for me to alleviate and it is his own journey.