Hi Anita,

Thanks for putting it into that perpsective nd yes! Im looking forward to not being lost anymore.. to having my own life and being free.

Ive decided i will go ahead with it.. just need to confirm my finances and hopefully be able to start 2020 in a place i call my own!

I hve even spoken to my father about it and he is surprisingly supportive! I thought he may be resistant or unhappy.. but turned out well!

Warmly,

Not_so_lost_star

Hi Anita,

It has been a while since I wrote here – hope you have been good! 🙂

Well.. another big step that im contemplating taking.. im exploring getting my own apartment! I had an epiphany one day and suddenly saw that moving out on my own is what I really want for myself now.

So im looking at apartments now and seeing what I can afford. I can probably afford a small apartment.. bt im also worried if it is a wise choice to make financially. Finances wld be tighter for sure.. bt still doable. Bt also thinking about the implications if I want to sell it next time.. wld i make a loss?

I guess also cos if i wait a few more yrs, I will be eligible for public housing.. which will be cheaper than buying a private apartment.

So currently a bit torn. Bt also thinking tt you cant put a price to peace and happiness. Hmm.

Warmly,

Not_so_lost_star

Hi Anita,

Oh dear! dropping a tree on your foot :(( that must hurt really badly! Okay, it sounds like you better take a good rest and let your foot heal! wishing you a speedy recovery. take things slow in the meantime – ice your foot and keep it elevated!

Yes, that is still the plan. I will continue staying with my father until i have saved enough money to get my own house. Or i may explore if i have any opportunities to work overseas. that would be my dream to work overseas actually! my few months overseas last year was such an enriching experience that i would like to have a longer experience of that.

I still attend therapy but i have changed my therapist. as much as my previous therapist helped me. .there was a part of me that was not comfortable with her as she was quite aggressive in her views and in some sessions i felt like i was also brought back to being a little girl. so i found another one whom im more comfortable with and still continuing that journey.

I feel the main difference in my relationship with my father would be the power difference. Before this, i think the power difference was huge. I would always perceive him to be “bigger” and more powerful than me and i felt like a helpless victim. but i think now i see myself as equal sized to him and that i am an adult and not that little girl who is so fearful of him. i think i used to live in fear of his aggression and when it would happen (since it was intermittent and not all the time). but now, i know i can survive on my own and there is nothing to fear. if there comes a day that he is aggressive again, i know i can speak up for myself and i would leave. i think in the past, i would be frozen and not know what to do. but the me now, i am confident i am able to manage. so in my interactions with him now, i feel i speak to him from an adult level and not as a scared little girl responding to her father. i think it was the empowerment from being on my own in a continent i perceived to be more dangerous than my home country.

indeed my friend that i lost 8 years ago had a lot to share about her troubled marriage and i was sad to hear that she had gone through all that. and i was also regretful on how i reacted to her wanting to get married back then. i basically told her to choose him or our friendship and that pushed her away too. i thought if i had taken a different approach, at least she would have social support. but she has moved on now and is recovering from that episode. so im glad that we are friends again and with time and maturity, i think our friendship has deepened.

take care!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Not_so_lost_star.

Hi Anita,

Have been really caught up with many things here and finding my footing! What you have said to me has been at the back of my mind as I moved around cities.

It has been quite wonderful so far as I find my new sense of safety.. I am slowly feeling a little more confident in finding my own safety and of keeping myself safe. And also getting to know different people that are around – people who are different from my father. I have met really kind and generous people that touched me.

Yes, there has not been anyone who has displayed such aggression to me in my life. Nothing even close, not even raised voices. Hmm, and I guess with that aggression that threatens my sense of safety, that is when I fear his aggression as if it will bring about my death.

Another thing I am quite proud of myself for is saying no to people. I think I used to be a people pleaser and I was afraid to get people angry (probably linked to that aggression I experienced). But on this trip, I have learnt to say no to people in small ways, like when they want me to send them photos I took or to borrow something from me which i was not comfortable with. And I thought that was a good change!

And another thing I am beginning to think about is.. where is my home? Not sure how to describe it yet.. it is a growing thought. But I kind of feel like I am starting to question where I belong. I guess definitely with my siblings I feel at home, but they have their own families already. And so far, it feels awful to be saying this but I do not miss my father. When I think of him, I only think of obligations and filial piety.. not so much of him as home. And it makes me wonder about what happens when I go home. But of cos, it is still early days. So I will see how that thought develops.

Hope you are doing well too Anita!

not-so-lost-star

Hi Anita,

Thanks! Hope you take care of yourself too.

A thought occurred to me this morning.. stemming from the idea of safety. When I was experiencing the anxiety, I felt it to be a familiar feeling.. something that has existed before.. maybe a long long time ago. I even wondered if this was anxiety I felt when I was in my mother’s womb.. or could it also be anxiety that my mother felt.. and this anxiety probably existed for a long long time. This anxiety that this world does not feel like a safe place and I thought of my father and situation at home.

That with what happened at home, with father’s erratic moods and all, I probably did not have a strong sense of safety at home.. and deep inside probably did not feel like the world is a safe place. The worry that when would my father’s temper erupt? When would another episode occur?

But with time, I learnt to deal with the uncertainty.. of creating a sense of safety within that world. And relating to my father as the sense of safety.. i thought it was paradoxical that he is the cause of the feeling of danger but yet he is where safety lies. Cos I have learnt how to stay safe.. by avoiding triggers that would set my father off.. so when he is calm, I am safe. I avoid, so I am safe. Even though there is danger, I have learnt how to keep myself safe.

And thus, when I am thrown now into another world, which I perceive to be unsafe too, I feel less in control. Cos I dont know what is making this world unsafe. At least at home, I know my father is the trigger, the secret to safety. Whereas here, it is an unknown. And it is a new skill that I have to learn to keep safe. And perhaps, I may even learn that the world is not that unsafe.. the world can be a safe place.. I can keep myself safe.. that safety does not lie with my father.. he is not the one that creates safety. He creates safety because he is where danger is created too.

What are your thoughts on this?

not-so-lost-star

Hi Anita,

Yes, you remembered correctly that that is how things were at home. My mother was the submissive one and I did follow in her footsteps and I was also generally submissive back home.

And I think you are right, I guess there is the feeling of safety with my father and generally, I can be the submissive one when I am back home in a lot of social situations as well.

Thus, when I am here, alone, I have to be the dominant one and I cannot rest on my laurels and count on other people to help me. I have to ditch my submissive role and be on my own. And that I thought that is also where I have to grow and where I have the most potential for growth. Maybe that is where my anxiety comes from too.

Not-so-lost-star