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Surrender while keeping faith?

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This topic contains 98 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 weeks ago.

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  • #273611

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Not_so_lost_star:

    According to my records my last injury was June 2016, a couple of months before you started thread, but I remember another injury after that, only I don’t have a record of it. This current  injury has kept me from any walking  for five days already and I will not be walking today either.  My  foot is elevated and  on ice as I am typing  this. I shouldn’t have dropped that tree on my foot! (Yes, I did, not  mindful).

    I re-read a bit of your posts. In the past you planned  to buy your own  house  at  some point. You didn’t want  to rent an apartment  or a room in someone  else’s house, preferring to live with your father and  save to buy your own  home.  Is that still the plan?

    I also wonder if you still attend therapy and how different  is  your relationship with your father  since you returned from your trip?

    The friend you lost eight years ago and recently got in touch with, she probably has a lot to share about her troubled marriage, doesn’t  she.

    Time to take the ice off my foot.

    anita

    #273741

    Not_so_lost_star
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Oh dear! dropping a tree on your foot :(( that must hurt really badly! Okay, it sounds like you better take a good rest and let your foot heal! wishing you a speedy recovery. take things slow in the meantime – ice your foot and keep it elevated!

    Yes, that is still the plan. I will continue staying with my father until i have saved enough money to get my own house. Or i may explore if i have any opportunities to work overseas. that would be my dream to work overseas actually! my few months overseas last year was such an enriching experience that i would like to have a longer experience of that.

    I still attend therapy but i have changed my therapist. as much as my previous therapist helped me. .there was a part of me that was not comfortable with her as she was quite aggressive in her views and in some sessions i felt like i was also brought back to being a little girl. so i found another one whom im more comfortable with and still continuing that journey.

    I feel the main difference in my relationship with my father would be the power difference. Before this, i think the power difference was huge. I would always perceive him to be “bigger” and more powerful than me and i felt like a helpless victim. but i think now i see myself as equal sized to him and that i am an adult and not that little girl who is so fearful of him. i think i used to live in fear of his aggression and when it would happen (since it was intermittent and not all the time). but now, i know i can survive on my own and there is nothing to fear. if there comes a day that he is aggressive again, i know i can speak up for myself and i would leave. i think in the past, i would be frozen and not know what to do. but the me now, i am confident i am able to manage. so in my interactions with him now, i feel i speak to him from an adult level and not as a scared little girl responding to her father. i think it was the empowerment from being on my own in a continent i perceived to be more dangerous than my home country.

    indeed my friend that i lost 8 years ago had a lot to share about her troubled marriage and i was sad to hear that she had gone through all that. and i was also regretful on how i reacted to her wanting to get married back then. i basically told her to choose him or our friendship and that pushed her away too. i thought if i had taken a different approach, at least she would have social support. but she has moved on now and is recovering from that episode. so im glad that we are friends again and with time and maturity, i think our friendship has deepened.

    take care!

    #273827

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Not_so_lost_star:

    Thank you for wishing me a speedy recovery. So far the recovery is snail pace.

    Your progress is impressive, to see your father as another adult, not your superior, but an equal, feeling confident in your ability to assert yourself with him if he becomes aggressive, these are wonderful things.

    I remember your plan to work in another country. If you could combine your love of traveling with work, that will be wonderful.

    I can imagine your lack of compatibility with an aggressive therapist. Aggression doesn’t  promote healing, it just scares us.

    Good thing you reunited with your friend.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #303011

    Not_so_lost_star
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    It has been a while since I wrote here – hope you have been good! 🙂

     

    Well.. another big step that im contemplating taking.. im exploring getting my own apartment! I had an epiphany one day and suddenly saw that moving out on my own is what I really want for myself now.

     

    So im looking at apartments now and seeing what I can afford. I can probably afford a small apartment.. bt im also worried if it is a wise choice to make financially. Finances wld be tighter for sure.. bt still doable. Bt also thinking about the implications if I want to sell it next time.. wld i make a loss?

     

    I guess also cos if i wait a few more yrs, I will be eligible for public housing.. which will be cheaper than buying a private apartment.

    So currently a bit torn. Bt also thinking tt you cant put a price to peace and happiness. Hmm.

    Warmly,

    Not_so_lost_star

    #303015

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Not_so_lost_star:

    What a pleasure, reading from you first thing this morning, six months after our last communication. Do share about your recent epiphany and your current lack of peace and happiness living with your father (“can’t put a price to peace and happiness”)?

    anita

    #303237

    Not_so_lost_star
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Yes! Been 6 months since and what an ephiphany isn it! I felt so myself when it struck me one day.

    It happened after one of a trip i went on with my father and family. And I guess too much contact with him then made me so annoyed that i thought why did i continue putting up with him. And also, one of the reasons why i was reluctant to tighten my purse strings was cos i still wanted to travel. Bt i realised on that trip that i felt like i travelled enough. That i didnt derive more satisfaction from travelling already. N it just struck me that moving out was what would truly make me happy.

     

    Living with my dad is difficult because of his living habits. I think he has been pretty much used to my mum doing everything for him when he was around. He is tardy in keeping the house clean and it has become such that i keep separate utensils and pots and pans for cooking as i cannot stand it. So i thought why do i need to do this in my home when i should be feeling the most comfortable. But most of all, i think is the communication wit him that irks me the most. It is hard to communicate with him on an adult to adult level. When i try to speak with him on some things, he either lies about it or he punctuates his sentences with so many vulgarities. I just cannot communicate with him on an adult level. So it gets frustrating to see and interact with him on a daily basis.

     

    And also, selfish as it may sound, i am also apprehensive about continuing to stay in the house and end up the caregiving of my father will fall on me by default. I wish to have my own life and not to have it on standstill if i have to take care of him in future.

     

    Warmly,

    Not_so_lost_star

     

    #303397

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Not_so_lost_star:

    “to have my own life” is a worthy cause. The idea that you don’t have to live with him, that is freeing, isn’t it? One day when you live with another person, see to it that it is not someone who “either lies… or punctuate his sentences with so many vulgarities”.

    You choose from now on if you live alone, and if you live with another, you choose who that person is.

    A woman is lost when she lets other people and circumstances rule her life, and she is found when she makes the choices of people and circumstances.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  anita.
    #304073

    Not_so_lost_star
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thanks for putting it into that perpsective nd yes! Im looking forward to not being lost anymore.. to having my own life and being free.

     

    Ive decided i will go ahead with it.. just need to confirm my finances and hopefully be able to start 2020 in a place i call my own!

    I hve even spoken to my father about it and he is surprisingly supportive! I thought he may be resistant or unhappy.. but turned out well!

     

    Warmly,

    Not_so_lost_star

    #304093

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Not_so_lost_star:

    You are welcome and I am glad you told your father about your plan to move out 2020, that makes it easier for you, I figure. I am looking forward to read from you again, anytime you would  like to post, please do.

    anita

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