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What have I done to myself and how to undo it?

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  • August 30, 2017 at 8:02 pm #166318
    Angela
    Participant

    I supposed I have learned to cope with not having the things I want by appreciating the things I have.  Sounds admirable right? I have made due in every aspect of my life with whatever was limited to my access. If I wanted to travel, I made friends out of state and visited them on cheap airfare and stayed with them. If I couldn’t have the man of my dreams I found several men who each embodied one of my favorite characteristics of him. If I hated my job I would let myself get fired and collect unemployment. Can’t afford rent? Moved out got a roommate, paid nearly nothing. This life wasn’t that bad for a while…. I was free, not alarms, started driving uber for the money I needed whenever I needed or wanted to. Freedom was the goal. Well its been about a year and Uber isn’t enough but I can’t imagine going back to work, because I have ZERO desire to do what I was doing… but its the only thing i have enough experience in that would pay me more than I make with Uber. I get anxiety just looking for jobs to apply with. Got sick of the random not good enough men I played with and got a boyfriend who still wasn’t quite what I wanted but took me out of the game of dating random men and I learned to appreciate him for what he was good for.

    I came from a place where I was tired and extremely frustrated with making demands and pushing and pulling for what I want, need, and deserve and being bitterly disappointed over and over… Asking… no, BEGGING and praying for the universe or God show me what I need to see and explain what I am doing wrong… and every time I thought I had a better understanding I was wrong. So being complacent with what I had available to me was a relief. I got tired of being told no. So I did what I could for yeses. But now what? Its gotten to the point where I have no drive to do anything… I am numb, I have no motivation or real reason to do much of anything… yes I need more money but I am not dying or starving so making myself miserable with a job doesn’t seem that worth it. The boyfriend replaced the roommate and as sweet as he is, I have nothing to offer him. He has been here for my own comfort and use… but even that is pretty much over. I laugh at the thought of ever trying to meet men for dating… I don’t even look at them. But I do want to give and receive love the way it was intended. How do I want things again? How can I be hopeful when I have never gotten what I wanted regardless of my efforts? How do I learn to give a f*ck about anything???

    Also, I have seen counselors… but ran out of copay money, not that any progress was made. Tarot readings…. I’m on the verge of hypnotherapy as a last resort but well… money.

    Help!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    August 31, 2017 at 6:57 am #166362
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Angela:

    For the purpose of understanding your post, so that I may be of any help,  I have three questions regarding the very beginning of your post:

    You wrote: “If I wanted to travel, I made friends out of state and visited them on cheap airfare and stayed with them”- do you mean that you made friends for the purpose of staying in their homes for free while you visit their state/ travel?

    You wrote: “If I couldn’t have the man of my dreams I found several men who each embodied one of my favorite characteristics of him”- did you tell each man that you are dating several men at the same time, and that each embodies one of your favorite characteristic?

    You wrote: “If I hated my job I would let myself get fired and collect unemployment”- do you mean that you underperformed your job so to bring about being fired by the employer and collecting unemployment (which is possible if you are fired but not if you quit)?

    anita

     

    August 31, 2017 at 8:11 am #166370
    Angela
    Participant

    Thanks for replying Anita… The short answer is yes to those questions…

    The friends I made just happened to be elsewhere… But yes visiting and staying free was an outlet to travel.

    After being single for 7 years and trying to find meaningful relationships it became evident that most men in my demographic are only dating recreationally and not looking for anything serious. I’ve never really gotten far enough with any particular person to date exclusively.

    And job wise, after working for years and recognizing there was little chance for advancement and hating my job over all the performance went downhill… Not deliberately so much but as a result of my depression and inability to see the point of making any effort…

    Point being as much effort and good intentions I have had in the past the constant disappointment has lead me to this point.

    August 31, 2017 at 8:56 am #166374
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Angela:

    The key sentence in your share, for me, is this: “”I was tired and extremely frustrated with making demands and pushing and pulling for what I want, need, and deserve and being bitterly disappointed over and over.”

    Your solution was to minimize making demands and pushing and pulling… minimize wanting and needing. Life was to be easier that way, “Freedom was the goal… being complacent… was a relief” – freedom from distress; satisfied with the bare minimum.

    It partly worked for you, life got easier, less distressing, but it went too far and led to you being numb and you “have no motivation or real reason to do much of anything.”

    You asked: “How do I want things again? How can I be hopeful when I have never gotten what I wanted regardless of my efforts?”

    My answer: taking the middle road. You have gone from one extreme, wanting too much, asking and “BEGGING” you wrote, in capital letters, to wanting too little and being numb, very unmotivated. Avoid both extremes, the All or Nothing approach. Make a small goal for yourself and pursue just the one. Be it a job or a relationship or maybe take a small step in each. Take it slow but deliberate.

    anita

    August 31, 2017 at 11:50 am #166414
    Angela
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. Great advice. Yes that is my personality in a nutshell. One extreme to the next. It’s very hard for me to establish a middle ground about things. Thank you for the non judgemental advice.

    September 1, 2017 at 11:51 am #166556
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Angela. Practice the middle ground and it will become your habit, with time and ongoing practice.

    anita

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