Hello Louise,

Your situation reminds me much of myself and my current state. I’ve been married for 6 years and the last 2 years has been a toxic relationship driven mainly by myself and triggered by infertility, multiple IVFs, 2 miscarriages and constant stress. My husband is a very loving man and tried to support me the best way he can throughout however his type and way of support was not what I needed. I wanted to grieve together and he wanted to be optimistic, to keep my chin up and keep on trying. I resented this and started lashing out, blaming him, criticizing and making threats throughout which only made him retreat. Ultimately he started seeking friends, mainly females to talk with. I became very angry and jealous which he then sought more of the emotional connection with these individuals. The situation had spiraled out of control, he apologized and we tried to start over. That didn’t last long as I have a difficult time trusting and he lives in fear. We have had a rocky relationship for the last 2 years and recently he finally stated he need some space and time away from me. He has been living in another country to concentrate on his work. It will be 2 months from the time he left to when he is scheduled to return, which he extended for one month. For the first couple of weeks he was gone, I had lashed out and verbally abused him over the phone. It was very sad and disturbing at the same time. I didn’t like myself and he didn’t like me either. I had decided from then on, that it was better not to have any communication with him, because when I did, all my emotions surface, negative thoughts and stories would build. During this time I have a lot of sadness, crying, panic attacks and time for reflection. I realize that I have attachment and abandonment issues which stems from my childhood upbringing and my friends state I have never been alone (without being in some type of relationship) and most importantly one person assessed that I like to control the love in my relationships. All of these things are true. As hard as it is now, I will try my best to become a whole individual and not need another person to complete me. Once I become more independent and love myself then I can share my completeness with someone else, rather than depending on them to complete me and make me happy. My husband is trying to reach out but I am afraid that I am not ready yet and may lash out again. We have both made mistakes and I’m hoping we will learn from them, heal ourselves first and if we are on the same path at the same time, perhaps we can try again. I’m not sure if this story relates to yours but I did want to encourage you to use some time to think and perhaps see things from another perspective.