Anita,

I feel like this is going to be another tough thread for me here. I am well aware that I have no relationship with him.

But, these past 2 weeks, I have been secretly hoping and praying that I would bump into him on the university – even though I know that it is almost impossible. I told my Business School friends to look out, maybe they will meet him and to tell me if they do meet him.

I haven’t asked him whether he actually gets accepted or not, maybe a part of me is scared that once he confirmed that he did got in, I would have another mental breakdown. Maybe deep down, there is a part of me that wants all of this to be a cruel joke or nightmare. That my ex boyfriend is coming back to me, to us, to the university and he isn’t leaving anywhere, ever. That is my biggest and most hopeful dream in my life at the moment.

You wrote : “Mina, if you are not sure what reality is, do contact him, do ask, and if he answers you honestly, you will know his state of mind, his feelings, thoughts and intents.”

How?

1. How can I do that, Anita?

2. What kind of questions that I should ask?

3. What kind of informations that I should tell him?

4. How can I make him understand my intention and my thoughts when I do not want to tell him anything regarding my depression, my panic and anxiety disorders, basically anything that will burden him?

I have a lot of things that I want to say, so many things that has pilled up from these past 3 months. From how much I struggle, to how I genuinely think he is the one for me – it will never end. I have so much that I want to say, to ask, to ask for support for, to just talk about with him. You can imagine how I feel.

Imagine going back from hell, and you met the one who sent you to hell after you got back. The one that sent you was the most important and your favourite person in the world. You love him so much to the point where you are willing to went to hell and go back again.

Imagine what kind of words that you would say to that person, Anita? For me personally, I do not think I will be able to say anything. It isn’t because I have nothing to say – it is because the experience of going to hell was so tough and traumatic, and the time I spent inside hell thinking about how someday I will be able to meet that person again was probably not enough and not worth the pain. Maybe I have too much to say to him, maybe I realise that talking to him in a sense – is where the current meaning of my life lies.

Anita, I have a hope. It is my sincerest hope in my life. I am sure you are well aware of my current situation in general, I feel like I am inside the vicious cycle. I keep fighting, denying, questioning and torturing myself. I hope that If I do get to make a conversation with my ex boyfriend, he will be the one trying to lend me a hand to get up and get it together again.

Do you remember his birthday message? He told me to go have fun this semester at the university and spend my summer holiday well. Because of that one sentence, that maybe he did not even think much about, I survived summer and had the courage and fighting spirit to go back here. To find the courage to find my life purpose, to actually try to have fun (which I am trying actually, I found a really good friend today!) this fall.

Maybe, all I need is his faith in me. His faith that I can get through this. His words of support and his push for me to live my life in a positive way by stop holding on to him. I need to hear that maybe.

I would love advices and feedback, thank you.

-Mina