August 27, 2017 at 12:41 am #165800
I am going through a tough break up that is life changing, I am still on recovery now
During these past month, I have rejected 2 guys. One was my best friend for 3 years, and another guy – the one I just rejected yesterday was a friend that I know from a church.
I am so tired. I am feeling very sad and I am in a lot of pain due to my last relationship. I feel like I had lost the love of my life yet seems like every guy had been waiting for this break up to happen. I am disgusted.
I am grieving but no one seems to respect it. No one seems to understand. All they care about is a pretty face. No one cares that inside that pretty face is a heart in pain.
I rejected my best friend with a heavy heart, apologising for not feeling the same etc same fake ass bullshit that I need to do to sugar coat my words to ease up his pain a bit. Our relationship is back to being best friend again after all my efforts.
Why do I have to be one making the effort? I never told anyone to like me. Especially not him.
And I went to the church to made peace with God, to find myself again – yet I have to reject someone again even at the church community? Why?
The church was my safe place. My special little heaven.
This guy is ruining it.
That break up itself destroyed me, and now why do I have to feel guilty from rejecting them?
Please, anyone here, help me. Give me advices. I am desperate.
-MinaAugust 27, 2017 at 7:20 am #165854InkyParticipant
Guys are opportunists. A guy will barrel ahead and be told “NO” 99 times in as many days only to have one girl (finally!) tell him “YES”. For that one “Yes”, the 99 “No’s” were totally worth it! Hey, it is a good strategy. If a guy never dared to ask someone out because of poor timing, the rightness or wrongness of it all, or past rejection, the human race might have died out long ago.
So no, the short answer is they really don’t respect us. It is disgusting. I’ve been married for 22 years and they act like my husband doesn’t exist. Unless of course he’s physically right there with me, then SUDDENLY I am treated with respect!
And I hear you about the church thing. I have had certain places of worship “ruined” because I really don’t want to run into certain people. It stinks. If you want to totally bypass this one person, go to the early morning service. He will be less likely to be up then. Also, join a church group that he’s not in at all. Bonus if it meets outside of the actual building. Or, try a different church. There is no shame in “church shopping”. Settle on one where you are largely left alone.
InkyAugust 28, 2017 at 10:10 am #165994
If your “best friend for 3 years” does not “cares that inside that pretty face is a heart in pain”- then he has not and is not a best friend, is he?
You apologized to him with a heavy heart and, you wrote, “Our relationship is back to being best friend again after all my efforts”- do you mean that now he sees you as more than a pretty face?
anitaAugust 28, 2017 at 4:54 pm #166018YvarParticipant
Sounds like you are in a painful place and I’m sorry you are going through it. I wanted to give you some perspective on the situation.
Based on your own emotions and how you are internalizing the break up you did the right thing by not accepting the 2 Guys advances. Weather it was bad timing or you were just not interested, you knew well enough not to engage so quickly in a romantic relationship.
But from the Guys perspective, they did what any guy would do if they wanted to be the shoulder for their grieving girl crush. Like you said they probably were looking for their opening and they took it. They desired to be the Guy to help you heal and to put a smile back on your face. You can’t fault them from trying to step to the pretty girl with the sad face.
Even with that said, whats matters most is that you protect your heart right now. And you did just that. Letting these Guys know that their advances was not wanted, makes it clear that nothing romanticly can come out of the relationship. This sets the tone that the relationhip can only be in the “friend zone.”
The reasons why you may be feeling guilty is 1. you knew they liked you on some level before and should have shut down those feels long ago and are frustrated that you have to do it now, when you are feeling at your emotional worst or 2. you care about these Guys as individuals and value the relationship but hate to be a heartbreaker, even as your own heart is breaking 3. you let your honesty mean that you did something wrong.
No one knows the depths of your emotional pain. Don’t expect others to understand your pain right now, it indescribable. Give the Guys grace for trying to “be there” for you although not welcomed. They would have never known unless they asked, so they asked, you said No and now they know. Release your guilt because you did nothing wrong but be honest. No one can ask any more then that. Put the focus back on where it belongs which is YOURSELF. Seek Gods face on how to heal from the relationship. Ask for wisdom on how the break-up is for your good. Medicate on the lessons learned from this “completed relationship.” If you are not doing so already, actively pray for your Ex that God will be his heart healer and comforter. I’m sure he’s probably in bad shape as well.
I’m sure you’re probably sick of hearing this but… You’re Going To Be Fine!!
Even though its not true today take comfort that it will be true in the future!!
Hope this helps 🙂August 29, 2017 at 11:49 am #166112
You wrote : “If your “best friend for 3 years” does not “cares that inside that pretty face is a heart in pain”- then he has not and is not a best friend, is he?”
To be fair, my best friend was pretty confused about his feelings towards me. He is the type to fall in love easily, and I was also at fault for keep asking advices regarding my relationship at that time. My ex warned me already, that he probably sees me as more than a friend. I refuted his claims because I trusted my best friend of 4 years. After the break up, he was a very good listener and gave me a lot of useful advices. My ex was my biggest fan and supporter but I guess my best friend became that person after the break up, without me realising. He actually did not get to asked me to be his girlfriend because I rejected before the official confession. He sent me the song “Lucky” and at that time…. I just knew and it was confirmed by a mutual friend too.
It took a while and now we are best friends again. I pretended like I did not know about his unofficial confession and ignore or avoid relationship topics with him. He became cold after that, and was distant but I wanted to keep the friendship going regardless of his feelings towards me. I admit that I am very selfish but I had already lost my boyfriend, I cannot lose my best friend in this period.
“…. then he has not and is not a best friend, is he?
It is complicated. The line gets blurry. The thing is, I never exactly tell everything that is going on regarding my break up. He knows 90 percent of it but the rest 10 percent – I wanted to keep it private. My best friend choose a really bad timing without knowing, because he unofficially confessed to me on my ex`s birthday. Anita, you know how meaningful that day is for me. I was already a nervous ship wreck on his birthday and when I got my reply – I actually almost fainted from crying. My best friend did not know that I was in contact with my ex boyfriend. He also does not know how serious I was with my ex, to the point of almost sleeping together with him. I did mentioned though after a while that I was actually considering engagement if we had stayed together during his military service and my best friend was very surprised to hear that. So I guess, you can say that he does not know the nature of my past relationship.
You asked : “do you mean that now he sees you as more than a pretty face?”
Well, you have to ask him for that. I am not sure either. We always have a lot of fun together and having fun together has nothing to with my face, right?
Our personality matches pretty well. I mean I knew him for 3-4 years – we never really clashed during that period.
I hope he really sees me as a person right now instead of a potential girlfriend.
-MinaAugust 30, 2017 at 5:39 am #166198
I hope he sees you as a person too. I hope everyone sees you as a person, with deep feelings, hopes and dreams, challenges, hurts and fears, the whole human experience, not just a “pretty face” or a potential girlfriend.
You wrote that I would have to ask him if he sees you more than a pretty face. Well, you can ask him. You can ask him how he sees you, what he thinks of you, of what you shared with him, and get feedback.
I don’t think he is wrong for falling in love with you or for being interested in being your boyfriend, putting aside the bad timing. It is natural for a young man to be drawn to a young woman he finds attractive. I mean, the chemicals going through his brain and body all promote such interest.
Post again anytime, Mina. Soon you will be going back to your university, correct? It is two days to September. I wonder how that transition is going to be like for you.
anitaAugust 30, 2017 at 11:55 am #166266
Yes, correct. I will be going back very soon. On September 1st, classes will start again. I signed uo for a university club, and I am trying to focus on my studies completely. Last semester I was focusing everything on my ex and it destroyed me. I learnt my lesson.
It’s about time for me to figure out my dreams. I feel so nervous but I can feel the excitement of a new beginning. I am finally (for real) closing my old chapter that was messy and painful.
I am ready to move on. I want to. Life goes on. Hopefully I can still keep this positive attitude until the end of my semester too.
Thank you for checking up on me, Anita. So nice of you!August 31, 2017 at 5:18 am #166348
I felt a bit of an excitement at the thought of you starting a new semester tomorrow. I imagined I was the very young woman starting a new semester at a university, how exciting it would be. New classes, new club, new people to meet. Lots of life yet to be lived, so yes, better focus on this life-yet-to-be-lived instead of the story of yesterday. I expect you are very busy, will be.
Any future post by you will be a delight for me to read and to reply.
anitaSeptember 1, 2017 at 10:05 pm #166642
I have a weird update regarding the situation.
Yesterday, a few of my friends including my best guy friend (the one that likes me) dropped off at the airport. To put it simply, he was the last person to leave out of all my friends even my family. I did not think about it much since his house is near the airport so I figured he can stay until the very last boarding moment.
It was time to board my plane and he asked for a hug. I was confused for a moment but decided to gave him a half hug (side by side not front to front kind of hug) and left after saying a quick bye. I did not have any problems with hugging or touching if he does not have other intentions but we all know that he does at this point. More than that, he uploaded a few Instagram posts that were just … off in my opinion. He posted on his way to the airport with the heart captions, and after I left, he posted a sad crying emoji. He was being too obvious.
A lot of my friends suggested me to tell him clearly that I do not like him that way, the thing is – I am not the type to say these kind of thing first. Since he hasn’t officially confessed to me yet… I cannot officially reject him either, you know? More than that, he was a really good friend of mine. I do not understand why he suddenly thinks that he can “replace” my ex boyfriend place in such a short period. It makes me mad.
I want to confess something really embarrassing, I have a private Instagram account that only has 27 followers (all of them are my super close friends) and inside that account, it was like all about my ex boyfriend. I wrote a lot of super depressing stories about my past relationship (for example, I posted a congrats post when he was accepted at his dream university, a farewell post when he enlisted for the air force, or a bittersweet post when our favourite Japanese restaurant closed. very personal unimportant stuff but still.. very personal)
My best friend must have read most of this. I am not over my ex boyfriend. There are some days or moment when I go out and had so much fun that I forgot about him but it does not make my feelings for him disappear. After yesterday`s incident, I feel really weird and confused. It was so shocking and real that it took the focus off from my ex boyfriend to my best friend (for the wrong reasons, unfortunately)
At that moment, I felt a shift. I do not feel a strong connection with my ex as I used to. It was quite scary to feel so disconnected from my ex boyfriend. During the break up, I always in a sense follow what my ex prefers me to do. It wasn’t a bad idea at all, since my ex was a very positive influential in my life. I became a lot more nicer, brave and accepting of people after the break up. I toughen up a bit.
Anita, I really do not know what I am supposed to do right now. I am feeling a bit jet lagged due to my flight and I cannot think logically about what is happening inside of my heart and my brain. I do not know how I can reject this bets friend of mine without being super forward.. and I would also like to keep our friendship. It might sounds selfish but I am so tired at dealing with these kind of problems. It has not even been a week since I truly found a satisfying closure from my past relationship yet guys always seems to pop out of nowhere and made my life so difficult.
I really want to honour my ex boyfriend and my past relationship with starting my life again and moving on, but it is so hard since he was so involved inside my life (and I was so involved inside his), and I cannot magically remove him in one day. It will take some time, maybe a month, maybe 3 months, maybe a year, who knows? I am trying to detached myself from him and the relationship but how can I do that with my current situation? I cannot detach from my ex boyfriend if someone is waiting for me to accept his feelings. It made me feel very guilty and disgusted at myself …. because I haven’t been able to grief properly and move on properly in my opinion. I need time to re-think the value of the kind of a relationship that I want and whether I want to actually date seriously anytime soon or not.
Thinking about my ex boyfriend for 3 months, for 24/7 was very exhausting both mentally and physically – I hate the fact that my best friend made me “confuse” – I know that I do not like him like that, but he must have think that this is a vulnerable point in my life (which is true) so he is trying to take a chance. It must have worked at some point because there are times when he reminds me of my ex boyfriend (the way that he treated me)
Maybe IF it is not my best friend, if it is another guy that I truly like, maybe things will be different but right now I feel kind of trapped by own foolishness because I was desperate to be treated as much as my ex used to treat me by someone. Anyone, really.
I would like to hear your feedback and advices. I am sorry if I sound kind of all over the place, my head is hurting from the red eye flight.
-MinaSeptember 2, 2017 at 9:39 am #166700
My feedback: first, changes are difficult, and so it will take adjustment and recovery- the flight itself, the changing of location, the changing of the people in your day-to-day life.
Second: I see what you describe as the Focus Problem. In your relationship with your ex boyfriend, your focus was him. You were so focused on him that you became a stranger to yourself. When the relationship ended you felt that you were not the same person. Now, you are focused on this young man, the friend.
It is best if you learn to refocus on yourself. Because you have this tendency, this inclination to focus on someone else, you will need to refocus on yourself again and again. And then, yet again.
Focusing on your friend makes it seem like the problem with him is bigger than what it is, that it needs to be solved as soon as possible, for your peace of mind. In reality, it is not such a big or urgent problem.
Pay attention to your present experience, to what is going on around you, to how you feel, what you hear, see, to your physical surroundings. Focus on the-here-and-now. Do you think you can do that or do you feel that you have to resolve the problem with your friend first?
anitaSeptember 2, 2017 at 10:24 am #166708
You wrote : “When the relationship ended you felt that you were not the same person. Now, you are focused on this young man, the friend.”
What do you mean? I do not like this person as a guy …. he cannot even be compared to my ex boyfriend. My ex is so smart and nice and super tolerant. My best friend isn’t like that at all. He is not a guy that I want to date, ever. Not now and not in the future. Sorry If I sound kind of defensive, I am really sensitive when it comes to my ex boyfriend lately.
You wrote : “Focusing on your friend makes it seem like the problem with him is bigger than what it is, that it needs to be solved as soon as possible, for your peace of mind. In reality, it is not such a big or urgent problem.”
But I am not focusing on him now…? it just bothers me so much that he likes me and is showing it off to everyone.
You wrote : “Do you think you can do that or do you feel that you have to resolve the problem with your friend first?”
What do you mean by this?
Thanks for the feedback, Anita. sorry i sounded really rushed in this reply, I am really tired right now x
-MinaSeptember 2, 2017 at 10:34 am #166712
I did not suggest that your friend is like your ex boyfriend or that you are focused on him with an interest that he will become your boyfriend. I suggested that you focus on him, on his intents, his motivation.. him. I am hoping that your focus will become on your present experience in university.
Regarding my question to you: “Do you think you can do that or do you feel that you have to resolve the problem with your friend first?”- I will rephrase it: do you want to settle the issue with the friend by letting him know as soon as possible, clearly and in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in a romantic relationship with him? Will it give you peace of mind if you do that?
I think you are tired, like you wrote. I hope you rest and sleep well so you can be refreshed soon.
anitaSeptember 3, 2017 at 10:17 am #166778
Sorry for coming off kind of rude on last reply to you… I have been having a hard time adjusting to my new university life without my ex boyfriend.
Things are a bit rough, especially on nights like these. I feel like life is not moving when I am here. I had fun and laughed with my friends and then I realise that I am actually for real alone. I saw my university after almost 2 months of not seeing it, I went to one of my favourite late night snack store and the lady there asked me where was my boyfriend. I used to went there often with him, due to his busy schedules- usually our date goes almost overnight.
Things are moving almost in the same pace as my old life – the only thing that is missing… it is him, Anita.
I talked with some of our mutual friends, and they are surprised to see how I was still very much in denial. I still talk about him like I used to, and I still adore him, thinking that he is the best person that has ever existed. My friends refuted this and basically calls me out for being on a denial phase. Like for me, my ex was is still very much my prince charming. Our love has only been stopped temporarily, I believe that he will come back to me and we will be together again if it is meant to be. Maybe I will date other person in between and maybe love some too but … he will be the one for me.
It is my first admitting this to anyone. I think my ex boyfriend is the one. There, I said it.
Right now – I am not in any condition to talk about my best friend. I do not care about him. I do not care about his feelings at all to the point that I do not even want to bother to give him closure or a clear rejection. Why should I do that? I am in so much pain because I haven’t been able to take the focus off my boyfriend, I am inside a jail that I made myself. I want to focus on myself but I struggle so hard… should I reach out to him, Anita?
To ask him about life in general… it gets too unbearable for me sometimes and it really hurts me. Maybe I should be honest with my ex boyfriend and instead of going on with the whole stupid sacrifice thing, I should just admit it to him that I am very much struggling and I get very sad very often too. Maybe he can say something that would help me a bit.. I do not know.
All I can say to him is…. help me. I was feeling pretty much similar to this before his birthday and it gets “relieved” when I congratulated him on his birthday and I felt like I was understood after holding on to so much pain and pretending that I am fine. I know that If I contact him every single time I felt like this, there would come a day that even his reply wouldn’t matter much and wouldn’t relieve my pain.
I am not a suicidal person at all, I am very bubbly but lately – I keep thinking that maybe there isn’t a way out for me. I am so scared and tired. Maybe If by some kind of a miracle, I died and go to heaven, maybe I will finally be free of this pain. There were a lot of times when I prayed to God very sincerely to give my life to someone else that needed it. Someone who is actually living. Why would God gave me this precious life to someone who isn’t really living like me? The only thing that beats is my heart, my soul is already dead. I confessed these kind of thoughts to my pastor and he told me that I shouldn’t lose my faith. That I should trust and believe God`s plan for me, that His plan is always the best. That I should wait.
And feedback and advices would be very appreciated x
-MinaSeptember 3, 2017 at 10:50 am #166788
You are in a lot of pain, emotional pain. Very much so. I wish it wasn’t so but it is and better accept what is. No benefit in denying it: your attachment to your ex boyfriend is strong, as strong as it ever was before. You feel intensely that you need him and you miss him so very much.
Should you reach out to him? I think so. I don’t see the harm in that. You are suffering as is. I wouldn’t share with him that you think about being free of pain in heaven (last paragraph thoughts). But I would definitely “be honest with my ex boyfriend and instead of going on with the whole stupid sacrifice thing, I should just admit it to him that I am very much struggling and I get very sad very often too”-
yes, be honest.
Will be back at the computer in 18 hours or so. Take good care of yourself, please.
anitaSeptember 3, 2017 at 11:25 am #166794
I am seriously thinking reaching out to him and just be honest about my feelings and my struggles.
Of course, I would never include anything like my suicidal thoughts. I just want to let him know that the break up was very hard on me, and there were a lot of times after the break up that I did not showed my real feelings to him or to anyone, really. I am still very much struggling in the dark, and I just want to let him know that.
It is embarrassing but knowing my ex boyfriend all this time – I know he won’t judge me. He is the only person that would understand my feelings best, more than my family and my close friends ever did. I would just be honest and thank him for everything, something that I haven’t yet done after the break up.
I am hoping if he really is the person that I love, he will also express his struggles. and his honest feelings about me and the break up. I am currently choosing the timing and a start out topic… I do not know if this is a good idea or the worst idea ever but it is comforting thinking about how I can be honest with my ex boyfriend.
Thanks for the amazing feedback. and your support for me.