Anita,

So I have taken a month off and just want to update you on my life and what’s happened with my boyfriend I would really appreciate it. I’m going to be as open as possible and explain to you every detail he has told me and what I have noticed myself as well.

I am sure you can remember that I for a while have had relationship anxiety about my boyfriend lying to me about (the first time) he kissed someone while we were broken up for a short amount of time. This first lie caused lots of insecurity in the relationship and I started doubting everything in our first “rough” year of  relationship. I ended up being correct because two other times when we broke up there were 2 girls involved. And that’s that.

I remember in your last post you share much of the same opinion my grandma has on the duration. She tells me he should have never told me. Which you have taken the side of since the beginning because you said it was not any of my business WHAT he did and I had no business interrogating him and he should’ve left me from how crazy I was acting.

Now let me explain what my boyfriend has been telling me. Let’s start with my boyfriend’s history. He’s had 2 previous relationships nothing over a year and what he likes to call “jokes” he said he wasn’t in love and it wasn’t serious. His breakups with his ex’s were apparently stupid and they would get back together and then never talk again. Unlike him, I had all my time to be single the first 18 years of my life since he was my first boyfriend. We got into a relationship 5 months after he broke up with his ex aka he never got to enjoy college.

He says when he got to my college it was a different world. It was fun, he had never had so many friends, and it was the time of his life. He said that his dad would tell him not to settle and just enjoy life. Meanwhile, all his friends were doing just that. Not setting, bringing girls home every night, going out together getting wasted and living “college”. Meanwhile, I was the complete opposite. I had my single crazy time, so we would argue constantly because we were on two separate pages. He was constantly pressured to enjoy college and it didn’t help that I was becoming controlling possessive crazy and honestly just not what a guy would want in a relationship. He says this is what led him to do the things he did when he finally “broke out of the relationship” without much thinking about it.

He states that he lied at first because he would office that he actually wanted to have a girlfriend and he missed me and if he told me I wouldn’t take him back. He said he knew he loved me but he wasn’t so sure if this was going to ever be passed college because I was crazy and mean but he loved me. I’ll admit it being my first relationship and having a mother that controls my dad a lot I thought that was healthy when it in fact is not.

Then what I always tell you, my boyfriend says he went through some change of heart and perception. He says that he realized that I was the one and how much he loved me and that he was sick of playing games and he wanted to grow up and be the man for me. And he has kept that promise to me. He says he was scared to tell me and that he didn’t want to be this perfect guy thay he knew he could be and ruin it by admitting to his past mistakes. I know you said someone that isn’t mentally well would only put up with constant questioning but he said he would rather do that than lose me and he had a sense of guilt within him that he didn’t care if I asked or drove him crazy because he knew he had done wrong.

He said he wanted to be honest with me finally and start this new chapter in our life with only good memories and if we were ever going to get married in the future he wanted that to be based off honesty and not his childish mistakes when his mentality wasn’t made up about what he wanted. He says it knows it wasn’t fair but that he knows he’s changed so much that he didn’t want to live this life without me and he thought if he told me I would leave me. He also says that he saw what the first girl did to me that he couldn’t even fathom to tell me there were others.

He says he knows he’s a great guy and that I’ll never understand the phases guys go through but that he is so sorry. He even came over and talked to my parents and my little brothers as well. He talked to my mom alone for hours explaining to her how he was so sorry and how he is being so honest and he knows he can be the best man for me. After this conversation my mom told me that I should focus on all his good qualities that are so rare to find in men these days and that I should focus on how he is and how he has been and how I am a very difficult girl (honestly I know I am not easy and I know I haven’t been this best girlfriend and he adores me) I know that man would do ANYTHING for me.

I really would like to continue my relationship with him and move past everything and now that I think** I know everything just forget it, and even if I DONT know everything to just move forward and focus on today and the future instead of caring what happened 1-2 years ago and just focus on the changed man I have in front of me. But I don’t know how to do that… I know I need to make changes in myself or I’m going to push him away and I know he needs to make changes and really really show me how honest he is with me and how nothing like that is going to happen again and that he is SURE what he wants and isn’t going to put me through that constant uncertainty again..I know he’s so serious about me I mean what guy at 21 wants to move in with his girlfriend and not all his friends . His dad has also spoken to me about how he feels and how happy his son is with me and how I’ve changed him and how he told me to really start forward and move on to the next step.

Now that I have told you everything do you think there is a chance this can be a strong relationship, a healthy one, can we really just “start over”? Do you think this was a phase? Do you think his actions only happened because of this phase he went though or does it speak of his character as he is just a malicious intentionally dishonest person? I know you’ve helped many people on here, do you see young men go through this a lot? I sometimes feel that if you’re going to be in a relationship so young you’re going to have to grow with your partner and that includes going through these stupidity phases together and coming out stronger and closer but I’m not sure. As for myself I’m trying to be a better girlfriend And I really just want to NOT CARE about the past and just start fresh.