Dear Chib:

Clearly you were in love with him, had strong feelings for him, still do. Thing is, you were “just terrified that he didn’t feel the same way”, and that fear hindered you then and is hindering you now. I think that at the time you downplayed the relationship, keeping it casual, so to protect yourself from what you feared.

A few years passed but this past relationship is an unfinished business.

You wrote that you believe that he “was afraid of making that kind of connection with someone”- clearly you were afraid of making that kind of connection. “That kind of connection” called for a serious, non-casual relationship, not the one you had with him, therefore… the unfinished business, and your “lack of closure”.

I don’t know what he felt then and what he feels now, if your assumptions about his fears are true to him. This is why I think it is a good idea to talk to him, to find out. Have an honest, straightforward conversation with him, one aimed at getting true information about his state of mind, then and now, finding out if there is a possibility now or soon, to have an authentic relationship with him, one that is not downplayed, not casual.

I suggest having that conversation with your ex boyfriend, this exchange of information, before talking to your current boyfriend. Get the information first, evaluate it and proceed from there. It is only from that point, that you will be able to finish this unfinished business and consider how to proceed with your current boyfriend.

anita