I’ve been hung up on my ex for 3+ years. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’ve dated 2 people since we ended things, and still can’t seem to shake the fact that he’s been lurking in my mind despite my concerted efforts to move on. Believe me when I tell you I am trying….I’ve been in a new relationship for a little over a year now and we recently moved in together.  I still find myself waking up from dreams of my ex, listening to music that reminds me of him, and I feel horrible about it. I feel like I’m cheating on my new relationship with the ghost of my past, but I don’t know how to let it go.

My ex and I went to college together, casually dated on and off through that experience. We were both involved in the same group of friends, so we tried to keep things low-key as to not make it awkward for them/we would then be able to maintain those friendships regardless of what happened. He ended things. We went to grad school together after that, and somewhat maintained the friendship through that period, although it was never quite the same. Contact was less frequent, but a few times over the course of that year, when we did engage with each other, those feelings reemerged and presented themselves in a physical way for both of us. Leaving me feeling very confused. Grad school ended. I saw him the night before I moved to the northeast, and he kissed me. We didn’t talk about it. I was also dating someone else at the time. That was a little over a year ago.

He was the first person to tell me he thought I was creative, that I could do anything I wanted. I’m a graphic artist now, and that was a huge turning point for me. I think I got caught up in this idea of him that I had in my mind…that inexplicably linked him to a symbol of art and culture and music. He was/is one of the most insightful people I’ve had the pleasure of engaging with. I miss those late night conversations. I feel like he understands me in a way that I haven’t been able to establish in other relationships. We both shared a kind of darkness due to past experiences. But, you know, I don’t think he ever really did open up to me emotionally… so I have no idea if he feels the same. We share a lot of mutual friends, so I still see him from time to time. Which is hard. Other than that, we don’t talk anymore. I’ll be seeing him this winter, and wonder if I should try and talk to him about it. Or if I should quietly continue to grit my teeth and hope that time helps me cross this bridge.

My new relationship is great. He’s supportive. Attractive. Fun-loving. Positive. Great. Goes out of his way to try and make my day, which is not really something my ex ever did. He’s not really into art or music but I do think he would literally do just about anything if it would make me happy.

I started having the dreams about my ex again (they had stopped for a while) and I’ve been really closed off recently in the current relationship. The remorse is killing me. He doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. Help?