Hi Anita,

Thanks for providing this safe space for me to air my thoughts and to seek clarity 🙂 I appreciate the welcome from you and for the time you take to read through what I posted again in order to help me seek my clarity too.

It meant a lot to me when you validated his good character (in that he is trustworthy and he is someone who tries as hard as he does) and also that my trust in him is reasonable! I guess I have this nagging concern if I am looking at things through my rose-tinted glasses and being too idealistic in my thinking.

And he really gave me no reasons to doubt him and it just tires and frustrates me when people hint otherwise at my “gullibility” or question what he said then. One of my wishes is probably to preserve that period of time I had with him without other people tainting it with their own judgement.

You know, reading through your latest post, I wish and I wish that I could show him your analysis of the situation because it is so true. I am not even sure if he has this clarity for himself (I highly doubt so) as he is too caught up in his situation. If only he can have this insight to his own issues, that may provide him some food for thought that may help him break away from his situation.

You are right that he has very heavy duty guilt which is super difficult to break away – unless he seeks therapy (which like you said he probably doesnt cos of the money involved which would be given to his parents/sister and given his heavy schedule, time would be a constraint too) or unless a miracle happens somewhat (haha).

And I also had the same guess that he probably overspend on games “as if saying: I want to have fun too! When is my turn to enjoy my money?” I also believe he has that resentment towards his parents but he feels it is wrong to have that resentment and thus he channels it to his sister instead. In his world, it is wrong to be resentful towards his parents and he is angry but that anger is turned inwards towards himself.

I also imagined that if we do get married, my money would be spent on his parents too. I was reading one of the recent posts by one of the forum posters who lent money to her inlaws and it became a frustrating situation. It really struck me that wow, that is a likely scenario I would land myself in if I married him when his situation remains.

Thanks for this reality check – “your choice in regard to a possible relationship with him, as I see it, is to suffer with him or … no, there is no choice. If you are in a relationship with him, you will suffer. His guilt allows nothing but suffering.”

You see that I would suffer with him, he also sees that I would suffer with him. And thus he let me go so I would not suffer with him. And I imagine me being in a relationship with him now would only add on to his guilt – that he is dragging someone along.

And I do not want to add on to his guilt.

Thus, us not being in a relationship is a win-win situation for both of us.

And what amazes me sometimes is really how well he knows me. He knows that I would gladly stay on in a relationship with him even if I am suffering. He knows I would be by his side and he knows I would make sacrifices to be with him. And he does not want me to do that. So he pushed me away in the hope that I would find my own happiness.

And I will Anita. I will find my own happiness.  Alleviating my own suffering is my way of carrying on his gift for me – his gift to let me not suffer with him.

At the same time, I wish for his suffering to be alleviated too. But I know I am not the person to alleviate his suffering. Once again, I felt the pain for him that he is going through this but like we have said earlier too, this injustice exist and we have to sit with it.

I find it such a pity that he is such a good man and we fit so well together and have good chemistry. He cares for me, he loves me and he has my interests at heart. I feel the same way for him too.

But yet, we cannot be together.

It just feels so tragic.