Dear Sharky:

You wrote that you feel like a fool bringing food to your husband and (at the time) his other wife. But you didn’t know, at the time, that he had an affair with her/ married her. You didn’t know, so you were not a fool.

What is your current contact like, with that woman?

The fact that it is legally and ethically possible and acceptable in Islam to marry a second woman is part of the making sense of what happened (making sense of it is what you are aiming at, in the title of your thread). If it is a common enough practice, in the society in which you live, that men marry a second wife secretly so to avoid distress in their relationship with the first wife, as a motivation, that will also be part of making sense of it, that is understanding what happened.

People are more likely to do what is acceptable by their peers (other married men, in his case).

You have four sons with your husband, and you are the mother of his four sons. As far as I know, in the context of Islam, you, as the mother of not only one son, but four, would have a way, way… higher value to your husband than a second wife who gave birth to no sons at all, no children.

Your husband gave in to his desires by having an affair with this woman, hoping perhaps that your feelings will not get hurt as long as you don’t find out about it. When a man has a desire for another woman, other than his wife, it does not mean he doesn’t love or values his wife. I don’t think there are many, if any married men who do not experience a desire for a woman who is not his wife.

It is not the desire that is the problem in a marriage, but the acting on it. He acted on it. You are wondering how it is that you keep living as you lived before, with him, how you “can still be normal with him”- I am thinking, you can be normal because nothing has changed in your life, practically. You are married, like before, to the same man, like before, being a mother to the same four sons…

Sometimes you get angry because he did an unloving thing to you and he has hurt your feelings. It is natural to get angry when hurt. And I hope he does thoroughly regret his actions.

I hope you post again.

anita

Dear Sharky:

You didn’t know. This is what betrayal is about, you trusted your husband. Trusting him (to not have an affair and to not take advantage of the Islamic custom of marrying a second wife) meant that you believed there was nothing intimate between him and the other woman. Now you know. The timing of the knowing is significant in evaluating the item of being a fool or not. If you had no evidence of prior betrayal of you, there was no reason to not trust him. Unfortunately you now have such evidence.

It is unfortunate that he presented the situation to you as him being merciful to this woman. It is in contradiction to his other claim to you, that what motivated him was “inquisitiveness and greed and convenience”. The selfish reasons read more honest to me than his claims of mercy for her, altruism.

If he is dishonest about his motivation and therefore, does not truly regret what he has done, then… what do you do?

anita

Dear Sharky:

Often enough married men have affairs not because the other woman is more appealing or desirable than their wife, or because their sex life with their wife is not satisfactory, but simply because they like variety. Simply because they didn’t experience the other woman yet, because they look forward to a new experience.

There must have been something about her that attracted him, that triggered him to want a sexual experience with someone different. That something/ someone different could have been the very fact that she was a Muslim and dressed like one.

anita

Dear Sharky:

As you can see, even if you do “make sense of (your) husband affair and secret marriage”, the feelings of anger and the thoughts still drive you insane (your last sentence above). This is because of the betrayal, isn’t it? You trusted him and that trust is broken. And as a result you are hurt and angry. Your hurt and anger is a consequence of his actions. It is not realistic to expect to not be affected by betrayal or to stop being affected because of rational understandings and rational resolutions alone.

Your distress over his betrayal has to be dealt with, attended to, until that distress weakens and is manageable. Maybe psychotherapy? Something needs to take place, some correcting experience, so to attend to and validate your feelings of hurt and anger.

anita