Dear heartbrokengurl:

Good to read from you again!

I understand that this man is the same one you posted about in August, correct?

If so, August 8 you posted: “I’m really excited about him again, and hope that going forward I can learn to push my anxiety away and trust that he wants to be with me and just go with it”-

The reason for his sexual dysfunction is most likely his anxiety.

You lived anxiety, still experiencing it. You are very familiar with it. This fact makes for a most valuable, potential intimacy between the two of you. Because of his anxiety, he needs you as much as you need him. You can help each other. If I was you, I would consider the following:

Instead of viewing his sexual dysfunction as his problem that negatively affects you, view his anxiety as something you can relate to, a condition you both share. Then help each other with the root problem, the fear itself. Do not make this problem his to solve by himself. Help him.

Seeing that he suffers from anxiety as well, makes you one of a couple who suffer. Help each other. You will feel a new sense of self worth once you help him, empathetically and respectfully, and once you reach out to him to help you with your anxiety.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

There are plenty of online information on sexual dysfunction. You can look up, for one, Wikipedia’s entry on “sex therapy”. There is such a thing as certified sex therapists (CST). First thing they do is making sure there is no detectable medical problem behind the sexual dysfunction.

The way I would try to help him is in discussing Anxiety with him, not necessarily the specific fears regarding sexual performance, but anxiety in general. I would share about my own anxiety some, ask him if he can relate. If and when he shares about his own, listen attentively and encourage him to share more. Over time, maybe, he will feel more comfortable, safe with you, to share about his sexual performance anxiety.

The safer he feels with you, safe from criticism, impatience, aggression of any kind, as subtle as it may be, the better the chances of open, honest communication on sensitive matters.

Post again, anytime.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

Three times of breaking up with you is two or three times too many, especially in a few months-long relationship. Clearly he is emotionally unavailable for a relationship with you, feeling stressed and distressed in different areas in his life.

I am wondering why he didn’t find comfort in the relationship with you, why it was another stressor for him… wondering if his distress is about the sexual issue, if it is that you expressed to him how much you need from him and he felt inadequate in his ability to meet your needs, or that he has a very low distress tolerance in life…?

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

You are welcome. Better not wait for him to figure things out if you can help not waiting. If you can move on, better you move on. My wish for you is that you get into a loving, reliable relationship, not an on again off again relationship. A loving relationship with a man who will see you as a comforting person in his life, one he turns to when in distress, not one to push out of his life when in distress.

If he needs to figure things out, why not figure things out with you, when communicating with you. It would be nice if he thought that through conversations with you he can figure things out better than when alone.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

Keep posting and venting as long as that helps. I think that when you communicate with him again, maybe in a couple of weeks, ask him why is it that he can’t figure things out while in a relationship with you? Ask him what is the benefit, to him, to be broken up?

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

If you ask him (“why can’t he do that while in a relationship with me?”) – let me know what he says. If you ask him that, as well as what I suggested you ask him in my last post to you, and if he answers honestly and clearly, then you will have much needed information. With more information, you will know better how to proceed. You will be wondering less, thinking less and maybe you will be less scared.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I think it is not a good idea to reach out to him with anything at all other than one thing: to get the information you need. You need that information so to figure out how to proceed. Without the information about his motivations, how he operates, when you reach out to him, you are reaching out for more of the on-again-off-again pattern that it has been so far.

anita