Dear Louise:

You wrote yesterday: “Love means making an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person”-

When he told you that you were “crazy, a psycho and paranoid” and when he shoved the computer too close to your face, when he raised his voice significantly, these are all unacceptable imperfections on his part. He is responsible for those unacceptable behaviors, not you.

On the other hand, it is possible, and it does happen in relationships, that one of the partners is angry with the other but expresses it in subtle ways, ways that do not seem alarming, but are nonetheless abrasive and in total, abusive. When the other explodes the subtle one points the finger at the blatant one and declares: Abusive!

And then shares the partner’s clearly abusive behavior with others and others quickly declare: Abusive!

Subtle aggression, like blatant aggression, is an unacceptable imperfection.

If you started arguments with him repeatedly, if you expressed your anger at him in subtle, dishonest ways, poking at him, then this behavior on your part needs to be worked at, so that you can have a loving relationship.

anita