Dear nugget:

Here is my suggested editing of your (very intelligent, sometimes entertaining) writing. My editing is to correct what I believe is incorrect thinking as expressed in your post:

“I constantly dread my future”- I dread the past. I keep experiencing what I already experienced.

“I dread the failed relationships that are yet to come”- I dread the failed relationships I had and keep having, with my mother/ parents”.

“… the way I hated my mother, who has done nothing to me but be overprotective (although she is not to blame.”- the way I hate my mother who has done wrong to me (children are born to love their parents, and to express that love so to secure care taking).

“Similarly, I will be trying my best, but it probably won’t be enough”- unlike her, I will be trying my best: I will pay attention to what I am doing as a parent, to the consequences of my actions on my children, and when those consequences are negative, I will correct my actions.

“There will always be chaos in my life”- unless I heal from the chaos that was, the chaos I keep living.

(“I dread old age. I dread even middle-age (30+)”- (50+), but that is not relevant here, really).

“I want to die but I want to live forever”- I want my anxiety and pain to stop.

“I dread the bleak, depressed, hopeless future ahead of me”- I dread the bleak, depressed, hopeless past I keep experiencing.

“today is the future of yesterday”- today is most often, the past, the yesterday, re-lived.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita