November 16, 2017 at 8:29 pm #178451
Some info before you read about my issues: I’m in my late teens (past HS) and female. So: The title is self explanatory. I constantly dread my future. In a perfect world, my future would be an actress with a loving and reasonable husband and four non rebellious kids. Realistically, none of this will happen. I often sit awake at night thinking my future, if I survive long enough to live it, is going to be shitty and full of regret. Here are some reasons why. I have horrible depression and occasional anxiety attacks (though the attacks don’t interfere with my life too much). No matter what good thing I have in my life, the possibility of a relapse is always looming over me. I’m currently relapsing so these feelings are especially strong; I feel like I will never be truly happy. I feel like at the end of the day, I will always come home with the urge to crack my head open on a wall, no matter what. I feel like my feelings are inescapable. My “dream” job is to be a family physician because being an actress is too unrealistic. I have amazing aptitude for acting but living in Canada, my options are limited. So as a realistic person, I’m forced to swallow my dream and work toward something else. Doctor suicide rates are crazy, so I just know that with my mental health issues, and the strain it will put on my relationships, I will remain depressed forever thanks to medical school/being a doctor. Over 30% of doctors in general have attempted suicide, over 2/3 of them being women. I dread that. I do not want to be a suicidal doctor, I want to be a happy one. I also cannot give up my goal to be successful because I do not believe in love and thus I don’t ever want to be relying on a man to provide for me. I also absolutely have to be rich because I’m used to that lifestyle and I refuse to downgrade. Speaking of love, like I said, I never believe I will ever find someone who can love me. Don’t take this in a morbid way, but rather in a realistic one. I just have a really annoying personality, topped off with temper issues, self righteousness, and of course the cherry on top, depression. Guys adore me until they’re 6 months into a relationship with me at which point I begin to detest myself for the way I act toward them, and they in turn start to dislike me as well. I’m beautiful, but I will never be loved. In a relationship, two people have to be open minded, talk things out, and put in mutual effort. I’m convinced these three things being applied by both of us simultaneously is unrealistic. Even if one person is in a good mood, the other probably isn’t. This comes from a place of experience, not delusion. I also don’t believe in the institution of marriage, because it is a legal contract for the government to dictate whom we can and cannot love/be with. Like what? Why does a government need to validate my love? On the other hand, I also really want to love someone so much and be so happy that I won’t care if a government wants to validate it, because I will be with this person forever. Am I making any sense? I dread the failed relationships that are yet to come. I dread the inevitable end of my current relationship that will most definitely send me into another spiral of hopelessness. I dread the children I will have that will grow up to hate me the way I hated my mother, who has done nothing to me but be overprotective (although she is not to blame; she is simply doing what she sees is right). Similarly, I will be trying my best, but it probably won’t be enough. Everyone is under the illusion that they can be different. They will make sure their kids do well in school and avoid drugs and only ever make good decisions and always talk to their mom when they need help. But everyone is naive because that’s not how children work. That’s not how teenagers work. There will always be chaos in my life, if not because of me and my future husband, then because of my rocky relationship with my future children. I dread my little sister growing up, because I’m convinced in this stupid society where everyone is addicted to sex and xanax, she will be too. I dread her having issues similar to mine because her upbringing was similar to mine. I dread the death of the parents I hate so much. I dread old age. I dread even middle-age (30+). I dread constant studying and having to miss out on amazing opportunities and fun events in life because I’m so focused on work. I dread death. I want to die but I want to live forever. I dread the bleak, depressed, hopeless future ahead of me. And even if I manage to get rid of my feelings about this horrible future, reality remains. Relationships will be rocky and fucked up and heart breaking, maybe even physically abusive. Children will act horrible toward me and some may end up even becoming addicted to substances, even going so far as being homeless. And on my death bed, I will try to remember my favourite moments in life, but they won’t exist, because all I’ve been doing is living in the future, trying to study so I will be rich, smart, happy in the future. Yet while being so focused on a good future, I will forget that today is the future of yesterday, and I will be working toward a moment that will never come. I will be wasting all my today’s just for a tomorrow that will one day become a “today” that I will yet again waste in hopes of yet another tomorrow. Until there are no tomorrows left.November 17, 2017 at 5:04 am #178497
Here is my suggested editing of your (very intelligent, sometimes entertaining) writing. My editing is to correct what I believe is incorrect thinking as expressed in your post:
“I constantly dread my future”- I dread the past. I keep experiencing what I already experienced.
“I dread the failed relationships that are yet to come”- I dread the failed relationships I had and keep having, with my mother/ parents”.
“… the way I hated my mother, who has done nothing to me but be overprotective (although she is not to blame.”- the way I hate my mother who has done wrong to me (children are born to love their parents, and to express that love so to secure care taking).
“Similarly, I will be trying my best, but it probably won’t be enough”- unlike her, I will be trying my best: I will pay attention to what I am doing as a parent, to the consequences of my actions on my children, and when those consequences are negative, I will correct my actions.
“There will always be chaos in my life”- unless I heal from the chaos that was, the chaos I keep living.
(“I dread old age. I dread even middle-age (30+)”- (50+), but that is not relevant here, really).
“I want to die but I want to live forever”- I want my anxiety and pain to stop.
“I dread the bleak, depressed, hopeless future ahead of me”- I dread the bleak, depressed, hopeless past I keep experiencing.
“today is the future of yesterday”- today is most often, the past, the yesterday, re-lived.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaNovember 17, 2017 at 9:03 am #178527
We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality. -Seneca
Reading your post a riddle came to mind – what comes first the chicken or the egg. With regards to depression: Does the story we tell ourselves influence and create depression or does depression influence and create our story. Both? My observation is that we tend to live the story we tell and depression often starts with the story (conscious or unconscious story) but that we can cross a tipping point were our brain chemistry changes and works against us stopping us from changing the story we tell ourselves and live.
I think you might find talking to a third-party professional helpful in determining how much of your anxiety is a result of the depression and how much is a result of having your conciseness fixated/stuck on your story of a horrible future. Learning the art of directing your conciseness so that you can be in the moment may also be helpful. The first step is coming to terms with your depression.