X,

Lots to digest with this one….

I liked the image of a flower that needs to be watered regularly. Now I don’t even know how to tell a keeper from somebody who is not – it may be starting splendidly, but then it just dies out and while you are getting signs that love is on the wane, you keep convincing yourself that one can’t “be high” all the time… As you know he left our “bridge” and started building a new one with that new woman…

I like the flower analogy because with a flower, there may be not enough water, there may be too much water, there might not be enough sunlight, and there might be too much sun light, and this changes throughout the year as the temperature rises and falls. I think most people treat their relationship the way most bridges are maintained, as long as it is functional no worries right, and then one day you wake up and the supports are eroding and it is too late to save you HAVE to build a new one. Which is probably why he jumped to the new bridge, he knew the structural support of your relationship was degrading.

The parable of the woman shopping is interesting and makes sense to a degree, but when you are shopping on each floor aren’t you stopping to try things on. you know the first floor has perfume, stop and try a few, then onto the shoe floor, and then the sundresses and on and on. The parable doesn’t talk about how long she spends on each floor. I think in life most successful people continue to upgrade the character of people that they keep in their life, even once the are in a relationship, the couple friends that they have change.

Personally, I believe that that infatuation, under normal circumstances, should be morphing into that quiet and steady feeling. Given that when I ran into my #2 (and also with #3, my ex, months after the breakup), I could still tell why it was I had been so attracted to him before, I would say that this is what probably should remain as a reminder of why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place.

I seriously doubt one can live on that “high” and keep experiencing fireworks indefinitely.

Okay I see that the steady rock portion of the relationship should become the normal state of any relationship over time, and obviously you don’t want to live in that butterflies state indefinitely, but should it be a goal to bring it back every now and then or is it gone forever?

The piece basically read that if a female makes the first step and it turns out (for instance) that the guy has a bad breath, and she is put off, it would be much harder for her to go back on her signs of liking him than if he advances and she merely states that he has misinterpreted her.

I sort of see the point here, but the way I look at it is that if I you were to initially think someone is cute and might be interesting and pursue that person only to find out that you couldn’t get through a dinner because their breathe was foul, at least you know, and you have a funny story. If you were to wait for the other person to make a move and that person doesn’t, then the opportunity is an open ended “what if”

Lets simplify your groupings. A = Men you are attracted to!  B= Men you are not attracted to!, which group do you think your significant other is going to come from? Can you have friendships from group B, yes I think you can. Sometimes men move from group A to group B, that may take 5 mins, or it may take a couple of dates. But every man you meet will fall into one of these two groups, you can disregard the men in group B romantically, and deal with the group A men as they come.

In your groupings would you settle with anyone other than the +1 group?

I think that the reason for your feelings towards your most recent guy and the three others have changed is your perception of where you are at. But also to think that any of the three, except maybe the divorced one, are stable, calm, or reliable might be an illusion that you have given them for some reason. No one who is married and would be willing to get in a relationship outside of their marriage is stable calm, or would be reliable. I think that the fact you said it yourself about not interacting with any of them enough to be able to say for sure is the important point. I think those initial feelings of attraction provide just that, a little or big spark, a clue, a indication that something could bloom. But you will never know unless you add water. With the married guys, you will be adding water to something that is getting water somewhere else as well.

Explain the osicllation between good and bad some more, and that you are the good and not you is the bad. Are they escaping the reality in which they live? I kind of feel like my this is what my wife was doing. Our relationship was in a bad spot, and here this guy comes along and offers a “good” and she had to oscillate between the good and the bad.

I am going to post this now because I hope we can continue this talk about the good and bad picture some more?

but I will continue writing about the rest of your post.

Matt