Yes, I appreciate the advice. I guess my problem is that I don’t necessarily feel worthless- I know deep down that I am, that deep down I will amount to nothing. It goes beyond a sense of just feeling bad about myself over something I’ve done: it is existential.

Last year, after a bout of major depression, I was diagnosed with a persistent mood disorder, which makes absolute sense, as I can remember being as young as 2nd grade and wanting to run out in front of a car and die.

It really is the most awful thing to experience, going through life feeling absolutely awful about yourself, but you learn how to hide it well.

Most people would say that I have a good sense of humor and always seem very happy, but this is a facade, a carefully constructed image that I have crafted for myself-not even so much as to protect my self from pain, but others as well.

After awhile, you learn to get really good at it, to the point where you could be nominated for an Oscar for best actor, but the part is a very tiring one to play.

Most days I feel like the only way I can protect myself from feeling the pain of being me is by trying to make other’s day better- at least that way I can feel a little good about myself (if only for awhile).

That’s why it’s really awful to be alone when the one you hate most is the one that looks back at you in the mirror. It’s like being in an abusive relationship that you can’t end because to end the relationship would be to end yourself.

Either way, I must go on.