Dear joanna:

There  is a whole lot in your last post, a whole lot for me to respond to, to learn more from and to respond to, hoping for your thoughts and feelings about what I will be  writing. So, I expect this to be a loaded post.

That  Safe Feeling, these are your references to that Safe Feeling: “I need someone to  just  make me feel safe.. a magical feeling  making  my whole life better, without even changing anything  in my life…  When my parents divorced and I visited (your father) I had this feeling that  all the issues I had back at  home, they didn’t matter since I was at my dad’s. He didn’t do anything, everything just disappeared and it  was  okay.  Even if it wasn’t but  he made me feel safe because I was there.

Funny how we perceive problems, it doesn’t matter how big they are if we have someone to rely on. Seemed like the problems aren’t really the problem, but the feeling of being safe and taken care of… At my dad’s house those (problems)  didn’t exist, I lived in a fairytale for a week or two…he (this current man in your mind/life) kind of calmed me  down, explained some things, after talking to him I often have  a feeling it’s gonna be  okay, even if it’s not, just calms me and  I feel better.”

My input: this Safe Feeling  is  what you need desperately. If  that feeling is  available for you somehow, you will do anything to experience it. Anything. But this is  not true only in your mind and life. Everyone needs that safe feeling. And everyone significantly lacking this feeling, will indeed do anything and everything it takes to get it.

Experiencing anxiety, that is, significant, ongoing fear, a significant  lack of that safe feeling is  unacceptable to the brain/ body. It, the brain, will do anything, go through any mental acrobatic to make this feeling happen. And it will motivate a person  to  do anything at all, however illogical, to bring about this feeling.

Everything  is  put on hold, everything takes a secondary position to this need of this safe  feeling.

This safe  feeling is magical and you referred  to it as such, as a  “magical feeling” and a “fairytale”. It feels magical because there is no memory more pleasurable than feeling  it as a child. A child thinks and feels in magical ways, the sun looks brighter than it does  later  in life, the grass looks greener, the future looks endlessly promising… when the child has this safe feeling.

And so, this is how you remember that safe  feeling, in that  magical way. In reality, safety is not like  that, not magical. But we remember  it that  way and expect to feel it again and forever more, that very way.

In an ideal situation, a child grows up feeling safe  enough and her thinking adjusts, changes, over the years to  fit reality more, understanding  that such a  magical, complete, uncompromised, happily-ever-after safety does not exist. But when a child does not grow up feeling adequately safe (because she wasn’t safe, in the reality  of her childhood), then she doesn’t adjust her thinking  to reality, and that safe feeling remains a dream, something that cannot be actualized for long. It is a feeling  the unsafe child continues to dream about, to pursue moments of, hoping it can be felt  forever once found.

I have more thoughts but this post is enough for now. Looking forward to your response, hopefully after you stay with this for a while.

anita