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anxiety, health and being hurt

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  • This topic has 296 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated right now by anita.
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  • #173261
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello everyone. I don’t know if anyone reads it or how soon, but it’s a kind of therapy to write this. At least I’m hoping so. So I’ve had this skin picking habit due to my anxiety. I always look for imperfections, can’t leave my face alone. sometimes try to mutilate myself, not dangerously but you can see it on my face, I have small scars although I always hide it. It worsened over last year when I was dating a guy I was in love with. He didn’t want relationship and I stayed in this toxic “relation” because I was too weak to leave. He lied to me, cheated, didn’t even promise he wouldn’t and I agreed to all this, because I couldn’t leave. He ignored me for weeks and didn’t respect me. I was starting to have enough of this in April. We didn’t see each other for 3 months. After that I started to feel worse, my anxiety worsened like never before. I woke up in the middle of the night, every night and had a feeling like I was sick. I cut my hair, tried to  not touch my face but it wasn’t easy. I got acne because of that. I had a terrible anxiety about being pregnant although I had no symptoms. I was at the doctors 3 three times because I had such a terrible anxiety about being sick or pregnant, I couldn’t calm down. 3 weeks ago I ended things with this guy. I told him I want to be happy and be with someone, not like that.  He told me things that still haunt me. He told me that now he wants to be in a relationship with someone and he even met a cute girl, and that I don’t even deserve to break up with because we were never a couple and I knew that. He was really unpleasant. I felt so humiliated I had suicidal thoughts for couple of days. In September I found out I have some kind of diabetes. Since then I have trouble breathing during sleep. I wake up at night and I feel I don’t breathe for couple of seconds. It terrifies me.  I use to meditate in the past, even every day for 30 minutes or an hour. Now I can’t even meditate for 2 minutes. I can’t. I’m afraid  I won t breathe during sleep so I’m scared to fall asleep. I’m afraid of this diabetes, and some other gynecological health issue which may or may not be serious.I left my job a year ago and now I have money problems, and I borrow money from my mom because I can barely afford food or bills. I was at several interviews and all negative feedback. No-one wants to hire me although I have higher education. It overwhelms me so much. I’m 31 and I feel so old, I feel like my life has ended and nothing will ever be okay. I feel like I don’t even know where to start to make things better because there are so many things that are bad. I don’t have any positive thing in my life now. I lost a friend a year ago, he doesn’t even talk to me anymore, we just grew apart and he has his own life. I never felt so alone and so hopeless. I can’t stop thinking about this guy and how he broke my heart and didn’t ever care, how he despises me and my feelings and what a piece of s**t I must be if someone can treat my that way. I just don’t have any hope that  I will ever stop suffering like I do now.

    #173271
    anita
    Participant

    Dear joanna:

    I hope this is indeed therapeutic for you, to post here, and that if it is, that you continue to post for as long as you need and want to.

    Of course, his rude behavior toward you does not indicate that you are not worthy or less worthy than otherwise. It indicates that he is rude.

    Your anxiety got worse, reads to me, as a result of the interactions with him and I hope that not having him in your life (or any other rude people you can avoid!) will help.

    Did you consider psychiatric drugs, short term, to relieve the anxiety, to lower it (so that you can meditate again and manage your anxiety, hopefully, long term without drugs)?

    Anxiety is that free-floating ongoing fear that keeps looking for something to focus on. Your facial perceived or real imperfections has been such a focus. The possibility of a health problem is another focus.

    I hope you post again. If you would like, I will reply every time I am on the computer, seeing that you posted (will be away from the computer for 18 hours or so). I hope other members will reply as well.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by anita.
    #173283
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita, thanks for replying.

    My anxiety got worse because of this guy, yes. My anxiety doesn’t go away and now that he’s gone for good did not make me feel better, as I mention I started having this breathing difficulty a month ago. Maybe now it is some kind of response to long term stress. I know I should calm down and manage this feelings  and I really want to but I feel like I don’t have strength to do anything.

    I visited psychotherapist but it was one time and she didn’t propose any treatment. I feel like I should take some medications because I can’t handle it anymore, it’s too much for me. Anyway I seek ways to manage it on my own, to understand and to let go of feeling heartbroken. I don’t know how to let go and not ruminate. Thinking brings suffering, not thinking doesn’t change anything because it is in my head anyway. I feel like I’m in a trap and  don’t know how to go through this.

    #173381
    anita
    Participant

    Dear joanna:

    It is a shame that the therapist you saw did not give you more time and attention so to learn about you and suggest ways to help you. Like you wrote, thinking brings suffering to an anxious person, the thoughts are like vehicles in the roadways of the brain, carrying the fear around and around.. and around. It used to help you to meditate, to disengage from thinking because taking a break from thinking is like ejecting the fear out of the vehicles, and to the side of the road. You get some peace.

    You wrote that even when you don’t think, the anxiety is there anyway. Yes, it is there, ready for its next vehicle, its next ride. Thing is, the thoughts don’t have to include words: you look in the mirror, let’s say, and you pick on your face without thinking words, the “something is wrong with me/ with my face” is automatic, been played thousands of time. You feel the urge, no worded thoughts.

    There is a way for you to feel much better. I know because I have suffered from significant anxiety for decades, OCD and other symptomology. I know anxiety, panic, compulsions. And there is a way to heal and manage, manage and heal. It takes time, work and patience with the process. Lots of patience.

    At  one point along the way, you are no longer afraid to be afraid (the essence of panicking).

    Have hope, I hope. Seek short term medication, it is sometimes what is needed. If you can see a psychotherapist (a quality one, this time), please do. Also, taking a long, fast daily walk can help, right at the times you feel especially anxious perhaps. Hot baths, if you can. A daily routine can help as well. Post again, anytime.

    anita

    #173487
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for replying. You have no idea how that makes me feel a whole 1% better and gives me hope when you said there is a way. I tried meditation yesterday but I couldn’t even for 5 seconds. The thoughts were coming and I couldn’t stand them. I’ll try today again. I got a job, nothing special and it scares me a bit but I try to remain calm. I’ll take a walk today and try to meditate. and what do you mean daily routine, how does that help?

    #173519
    anita
    Participant

    Dear joanna:

    You are welcome, and again, post anytime. There is no time or length limit to a thread that I know about.

    Routine for anxious people is very helpful. Routine for children is very helpful, creates a feeling of safety. When a child knows what is expected of him to be doing in the morning, at noon, in the afternoon, evening, there is a sense of safety. Same for adults whose… inner child is as anxious as yours. You can incorporate a daily walk at about the same time, this can be part of your routine. And then, pay attention to other helpful activities (and activities that have to be done daily) that you can incorporate into a daily routine.

    Imagine that you are a mother to your own (inner) child. She is very anxious. What do you do to help her? Be patient with her, talk kindly and calmly to her, talk sense to her when her thinking is senseless, or distorted (as in all-or-nothing thinking), and so forth.

    anita

    #173843
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita

    Two days ago my condition got worse. I had difficulty breathing at night. Turned out my new job was a mistake because they tricked me when it comes to money and possibility of leaving earlier than 8 months. I had a panic attack and barely slept. I feel like I’m in a trap.My relatives say it’s gonna be fine and they’ll help me but I’m so scared I have to work there and can’t leave. Today I’m better. I went for a walk and started some routines as you said. It’s true it helps. Gives me feeling of safety. I use to drink tea in the morning and meditate while doing this. still  hard for me to meditate but I’m trying.

    Just those moments of panic, I have difficulty dealing with. can’t think logically and calm down.

    #173863
    anita
    Participant

    Dear joanna:

    Don’t pressure yourself to meditate… don’t pressure yourself at all. Keep a daily routine, adjust it as you go along, do what works and not what doesn’t work. Be gentle with yourself- this is key. And patient with the process of managing and healing from anxiety.

    Of course you “can’t think logically and calm down” when you experience panic. Fear in animals (and we are animals physiologically, anatomically) is about escaping from present and real danger immediately, without thinking about it, or in humans- before thinking about it. It is RUN-NOW!

    Two nights ago or so you perceived your work situation as danger and your body responded with preparing to run. Problem in the condition of anxiety is that the perceived danger is often not real. It is not true that you “can’t leave” the job and that you are “in a trap”. There may be consequences to leaving, but you can leave. You will not be closed behind bars, physically unable to leave.

    Talk to yourself, tell yourself these things, that you can leave, that you are not in a trap, insert those thoughts into your panic. I remember one evening when I panicked and was just about to lose hope (and take Klonipin after getting off it). As I panicked, feeling engulfed by it, taken by it, I remembered a therapist’s suggestion: go to a calm place in my brain and observe my panic from there. So I did just that. And the panic died down. I still experienced anxiety but not that intensity and I stayed off Klonipin ever since. That was three years ago.

    Can you find that calm place, I wonder?

    anita

    #174127
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I followed your advise, I didn’t pressure myself. Just daily routines, drinking tea, eating healthy, walking. Trying to do other things to not touch my face. Okay, I am not in a trap I can see that better now. My relatives help me a bit with this job issue.

    Calm place, I don’t know. I used to get that when I meditated. Could you tell me more about that?

    Anita thanks a lot for your responses,  in a way they really help me a lot.

     

    #174169
    anita
    Participant

    Dear joanna:

    You are welcome. Managing and healing from anxiety is a process that requires a lot of patience as you persist doing what works even when it doesn’t. You continue to do what is right for you when distressed. Can’t wait until calm and then do what is right for you, got to do it now, when distressed. Over time the distress will lessen.

    Regarding the calm place, it was like that: that particular therapist (it was not a session, but a seminar, with a group of people, a couple of hours, that day) told me to look at my big toe (must have been wearing sandals). He said something like: look at your toe. It is part of you. It is not all of you. You are looking at it. In a similar way, look at your anxiety: it is part of you but not all of you. Look at it.

    When I was anxious that evening, in the process of panicking (2013), I removed my focus from the panic and looked at it from a distance (as in the distance between my eyes/ face and my toe). That distance was what it took for me to remove myself from the panic. And all I was left with was the anxiety, still distressing but not overwhelming.

    anita

    #174447
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    I tried meditating yesterday for like 2 minutes, and today a bit. It’s a success. Trying to look at my anxiety from a distance, it’s not easy but I’m trying to. I take long walks almost every day.

    Did you manage you anxiety and panic attacks completely?

    #174529
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m slowly starting to see the light. I feel the need to learn, have fun or finding a hobby which I didn’t want to over the last few months. Getting rid of toxic people is painful but there is a better life after this. I am aware this men caused most of my anxiety but I still cannot hate him for this. You’d say it’s good but it’s not the point. I can’t hate him because I still blame my tendency for depression and anxiety for all this, and think that I could have responded differently to treating me badly, I could have left earlier, I couldn’t have thought about this and couldn’t have caused myself pain and anxiety. Because it’s inside me, right? Sure other people cause pain but it is also my fault that I let this happen because I’m too weak to leave or stop this. When I think of some people that wouldn’t let this happen to them I get the feeling I am a really damaged person. Of course now I know. But I had to learn it and go through all this, and some people are wiser and know and sense it at the beginning.

    #174557
    anita
    Participant

    Dear joanna:

    You asked: “Did you manage you anxiety and panic attacks completely?”- no. And I don’t expect to. Only a few days ago I had my blood drawn by an incompetent person. I was, in fact, subject to… an incompetent person with a needle who kept poking me. I experienced panic. I was afraid that I will faint and lose control. But the panic didn’t last long and I recovered soon enough. Fear otherwise, oh, that is there, to stay, come and go and here it is again. It is part of the human experience. It is about minimizing the escalation of fear (the panicking element) and recovering sooner than later.

    Regarding your most recent post, you wrote: ” I am aware this men caused most of my anxiety but I still cannot hate him for this. You’d say it’s good but it’s not the point”- no, I wouldn’t say that it is a good thing that you don’t hate him for having disrespected and mistreated you. I would say that I wish you did feel angry at him for that.

    You wrote: “it is also my fault that I let this happen because I’m too weak to leave or stop this”- I disagree. I believe it is not your fault that he disrespected and mistreated you. It is his doing, his fault. The fact that you stayed does not justify his mistreatment. Just because someone makes themselves available to be mistreated does not mean she or he should be mistreated.

    As a matter of fact, it is the other way around. When a person is available to be mistreated it is because that person was already mistreated. It is wrong to add mistreatment to previous mistreatment.

    In your original post, you wrote: “He lied to me, cheated, didn’t even promise he wouldn’t and I agreed to all this, because I couldn’t leave. He ignored me for weeks and didn’t respect me”- this was disrespect and mistreatment.

    You wrote: “I get the feeling I am a really damaged person”- well, you were indeed mistreated before this man came into your life, and that damaged you. Now, does that mean that you deserve mistreatment for the rest of your life, that it is your … fate, a life sentence?

    anita

    #174885
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita

    I am happy you are aware of your coming panic attacks and have your ways to recover.

    Yes I guess it is because my father used to ignore me. He didn’t even do anything bad, he just kept ignoring me.He argued with my mother and I saw he cared and was angry, but me? He didn’t even see me. I guess I always let go of good people in my life and justify their leaving but when it comes to people with bad influence I always seek their attention, and see them as a challenge. To change them, to make them see me, to make them care, I have to earn it. Which I never do. And then I suffer. This happened several times with some people although I always seem to let go sooner or later but this one person.. It started  8 years ago when we met. A year ago we started dating but he was on my mind way earlier. I can’t let him go. I ended this so that I wouldn’t have any way back to him because I don’t trust myself. I knew I would want to but I also knew I couldn’t handle it anymore. I feel better when it comes to my anxiety, I am more calm, but still don’t know how to stop suffering. How to let go and not feel hurt so much.

    #174889
    anita
    Participant

    Dear joanna:

    You wrote about your father: “He didn’t even do anything bad, he just kept ignoring me”- it is bad enough for a child, when her father ignores her. Later on in life you may hear of …really bad things fathers do and you may think: compare to that, my father didn’t do anything bad. But as a child, you don’t compare and you don’t feel better as a result. You simply experience what is available for you to experience. Clearly, having been ignored hurt you plenty.

    I am glad you are more calm. There is less suffering in calm, isn’t there?

    “how to stop suffering. How to let go and not feel hurt so much”- there is a long, long list of how not to (try and) stop suffering. How to stop suffering effectively? Notice it, accept it, let it be. These are words: notice, accept, let… they mean nothing unless they translate to tangibly experiencing these things, bit by bit.

    anita

     

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