Dear Cali Chica:

You wrote about your mother: “An extreme level of self absorption that is done in such a ‘woe is me’ ..For it is not the classic entitled self absorbed woman…. She isn’t just the ‘diva’ that thinks the world of herself, she (is) …also the ‘sad soul’ that needs saving… Superior in one breath, helpless in another. Almighty in one sentence, victim in the next… they (your mother, your sister) will go to great lengths to show the severity of their situation. And as soon as you (I) absorb it and reflect on it and say wow that is terrible I do understand- they immediately snap back to superiority and defense mode:

‘oh well it’s not that bad. Oh it’s not like I’m the only one who deals with this… Oh what you haven’t felt the same, you don’t understand'”

I am looking at motivation, what is your mother’s (and sister’s here) motivation or motivations? “Hook and bait”, you wrote. Get your empathy for their suffering and then reject it, why?

Because your mother never wanted your help. She rejected your empathy followed by your efforts to help her because she didn’t want it. Not only when you were a child and being seen as limited, being a child, but now. She doesn’t want you help as the adult that you are. What is it that she wants?

I think she wants an audience. She needs an audience because she is performing. She is doing her thing. On a stage and the world is her audience. She is the sole actress, the star of the show and every other person in the world is in that audience that needs to be silent and be audible only when cheering during those “ecstasy and glee” parts of her performances. Be silent otherwise. Silent and attentive. Attentive but silent. Do not interrupt her show.

Histrionic, the word, definition: “dramatic behavior designed to attract attention”, “theatrical”

On personality disorders: “Personality disorders are rigid, inflexible and maladaptive”

On Histrionic Personality Disorder (Psychology today, online): “People with this disorder are uncomfortable or feel unappreciated when they are not the center of attention… Interests and conversations will be self-focused. They use physical appearance to draw attention to themselves… the prevalence of histrionic personality disorder is 1.84%

Symptoms: … Self-centeredness, uncomfortable when not the center of attention.

Constantly seeking reassurance or approval.

Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior…”Overly concerned with physical appearance, and using physical appearance to draw attention to self

Rapidly shifting emotional states that appear shallow to others.

Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details…”is highly suggestible (easily influenced by others)”

It also reads: “Therapy with people with this diagnosis is often challenging because they may exaggerate their symptoms or ability to function”

Your mother, my mother, indeed extreme in their self absorption, self centeredness. Less than 2% perhaps of the population. And some are more extreme cases than others.

None of the people fitting this diagnosis was born that way. They became this. And once they became this, they stay this, “rigid, inflexible and maladaptive”.

In other words, your mother wants you to be an attentive, silent audience and cheer her when her performance is that of “excitement and glee”. She doesn’t want you to help her, and she will continue to reject any such effort on your part.

My mother’s behavior, your mother’s behavior, and unfortunately, your sister’s behavior is no longer about suffering. It is about performing. They side stepped suffering in a big way, irreversibly, rigidly- performing.

anita