Hi Free Moon 🙂

My weekend was okay actually. Since being off work I am learning the art of self-love, and to stop beating myself up in my head about things. I realise that I need to be surrounded by people who encourage this too, not people who want the opposite, such as the senior(!) I’ve had 2 months off and it’s done me a world of good. I’ll be moving to a city at the end of next month, which has creative people, more on my wavelength 🙂 🙂 Surrounding myself with positive support at the moment and reminding myself that life is what I make it/ I can choose the people and situations I have in it.

My previous manager and the senior used to argue all the time!! Senior would find problems, and my old manager was a massssive diva character, so they’d have like a bitchy argument/ shouting fest!! And senior would storm away etc. ! The Senior just likes to make problems and be a pain in the ass. Weird environment right??? Before, the previous Deputy was a lot like the Senior, and they would both bully people. It hasn’t been a welcoming environment in the past, which is why as soon as new manager came in I started complaining properly about it all.

I spoke to my manager today, and he said that when I go back, I need to have a closure meeting for my complaint with the Senior, to see how we move forward, how we learn from it and move forward. I said to him that I’ve been trying loads, but Senior obviously doesn’t like me (prejudice). He has fixed the rota so I am not working with her…. I said to him, I guess in my meeting I just have to be honest – best I can do! It’ll be interesting to see how the Senior responds in the meeting when confronted by myself and my managers manager….. In ways I’m worried that I’m going to get bullied, but my manager has been really supportive on the phone, and also I’ve been off sick as well, so it would look really really bad for them to bully me after that!!

I’ll let you know how the meeting goes!!

In terms of Barbz, it sounds like her personality is one that is grating on you….. I actually think this is because deep down you have a big personality that is waiting to come out too!! I learnt this about myself, going through bullying at work. I was most unhappy because I bit my tongue too much. Now, I simply say what I think back, and my mind is way more healthy and I’m happier!! There’s no point not saying what you think, because otherwise it just stays in your mind and you kick yourself going “I wish I had the confidence to stand up to them” – my advice, is do it!!!!! If you don’t, it sends the message that those people will always be the loudest ones….Whereas my life’s mission is to inspire all the decent, goodhearted, intelligent people who remain silent to start shocking the world, and standing up, and winning arguments with their logic and intelligence 🙂 which is what I think you could do with Barbz….. She’s not a threat to you at all, she’s just another person. I bet it would wind her up if you called her out on her game and said “Okay, it’s clear you don’t like me. I’m not going to try and make you. But I’d appreciate it if you’d stop focusing on me, because I’m finding it weird” – say that or something, and make her look stupid!! 🙂

In terms of speaking up/ being yourself etc. I found myself in a similar situation the other day, where I was misunderstood, and was forced to stand up for myself. I did, and I’m really glad I did because it gave me even more balls and drive to be respected by others.

Here’s what happened:

One of the few times I head in to town (because a lot of the time I stay at home with depression and anxiety), to put up some gig posters. I went in to a charity shop (who still had my old poster up from before). It went like this:

Me: “Hey, is it okay to put my gig poster up in here please? My old one’s still in the window”.
Woman on till: “Yes sure, so you already know that it’s 50p to put up a poster”.
(I didn’t know this as before the woman let me put it up for free, so I just replied honestly).
Me: “Oh I didn’t know that, as last time the woman let me put it up for free”.
Woman on till: “Yes, it’s 50p, as most places charge to put it up”.
(Again, I wasn’t saying that I wasn’t going to pay the 50p, I just know that other places in town don’t charge so I replied honestly).
Me: “Oh really? Most of the cafe’s let me put it up for free”.
(I was starting a general conversation, I never said I wasn’t going to pay the 50p).

There was a girl in the shop, who I’ve previously encountered at one of my gigs, who tried to close the door of the venue (and therefore would make me lose potential people), because “not everyone wants to hear that”. Although I reminded her that I was paying £80 for the venue, and it wasn’t 11pm yet so the door should stay open. (The door stayed open).

This girl was in the shop and made a passive snide remark (she was trying to be very belittling):
“It’s just 50p, it’s a tiny little charity!”

Me: “Of course I’ll pay the 50p, I was only asking”.

*I pay the 50p*

Women on till: “Would you like to put it up or should I?”
Me: “You can do it if you want, thanks”.

Before I left I went up to the girl and said:
“Excuse me, but next time can you mind your own business”.

Then there was outrage.

Women on till: “You know what, I’m not putting your poster up, you’re trouble. You’re stroppy”.
Me: “Why? Because I stand up for myself?”

*I take the poster back”

Women on till: *continues calling me names*, “You can have your 50p back”.

Me: “Keep your fucking 50p”.

*Leaves*.

– This happened a couple weeks ago. The girl in the shop tries to intimidating and she would succeed if I allowed it, but I force myself to be brave and think of her as being equal to me, therefore if anyone makes me feel small, I then make them feel small. Same with the colleague at the xmas dinner. It’s hard, it’s scary, but bullies need to be called out as much as possible because they get away with it far too often.

Most the time it’s people so unhappy in themselves/ own lives that they don’t know anything different.

Cat