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    Dear Anita,

    Apologies for the delay in response. I have been busy socialising with new housemates (2 new ones have moved in), trying to meditate daily, go to the gym, cook and also do some private care for my friend’s mum who lives down the road. I have also started reading again, and still doing writing as well.

    Thank you for the congratulations on the new job. I still haven’t started yet. My induction date is on the 1st and 2nd of November. I also have another job interview tomorrow for assistant manager position at a place that is 20 minutes walk from mine. I will go there and see what vibes I get from the place. Ultimately I will pick the one I think I will be happiest in.

    In all honesty, in my mind I just have a view of springfield town from the Simpsons and a view when they go into the woods!! And visualise a forest. You are a person of many mysteries!!

    30 is young!! And I’m glad I recognise this. I made a decision recently to go “straight edge” which means no drinking/ drugs etc. Not that I was doing any of that regularly at all but it’s just another way for me to stay focused on trying to achieve my goals.

    It’s sad that your mum thought that… I’m guessing she was delusional? I think there was alot of delusion with my parents too, sadly.

    I have matured alot, but at the time I started this thread, I didn’t have any spiritual or kind people in my life who I could go to about this. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to reach out to so I wanted to find somewhere where I knew there would be the right people who were kind and accepting who could look at my life objectively and give me a perspective that could help me – which you have done 🙂

    “(1) you were never another person in a sea of people, not in my mind. You are more like a beautiful, tree and life-filled island in the sea, full of life!”
    This is interesting for me to read, as I presumed that my thread was going to be similar to other people’s on here. Is this how you see all the people that you respond to?

    Why did you think that I had lost respect for you? It’s difficult to keep up social communication on a forum. Hm. But maybe they are supposed to be used for chatting and not life advice, I am not sure.

    Which youtube video are you talking about? Also, the other day I was going to watch a video about “4:44” and I went down into the kitchen and the oven clock literally said 4.44. Everytime it happens I just smile and see it as the Universe rewarding me for trying to meditate and be more conscious!

    Yes. The Ed situation was just, traumatizing if I’m honest. I haven’t seen someone be so…..unaware and broken in a very long time. Cracking can after can and just not able to communicate or self-reflect. It took me a while to get my head around but in all honesty – he isn’t being a good person at the moment. This is something that I remind myself when I feel like it was me who ruined things…. while we were dating he lost his jobs at all 3 bars for stealing, drinking on shift and harassing customers….he was blocked by his ex for being drunk as well etc. His life is a mess and I got swept into it. Also I have to say – since then I saw his brother upload some photo’s to instagram and Ed has put on weight and now looks like Phil Mitchell from Eastenders. Seeing them triggered me, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes, smoked 2 and then threw up. I won’t be looking at those stories again or have any interest in that at all now. At the end of the day, I was treated awfully by someone who refuses to admit that they are not taking responsibility for their actions. I have seen stories and videos and influencers online who are men who were addicts but CHOSE to get sober because they realised they had to get their life together and now they are fit, happy, healthy and devote their social media to sharing recovery stories………Rant over!

    Hope you are well!



    Dear Anita,

    Do you live with people or alone? I am trying to visualise the environment where these messages are being received!!

    Thank you for soothing me on the Ed situation… It’s been a few months now since everything exploded, and I am starting to grow and mature and move on from it. It was very intense at the time, mostly just the pain of seeing someone destroying themselves and trying to help all I can, and not being heard. I hadn’t met anyone in a while who was so – ignorant and in addiction as he was/ non self-aware and so I was in a state of shock for a while. I can’t explain how painful it all was, just wanting something to be fixed, and not being able to fix it.

    I do not want to date for a while now. I don’t do dating apps and I think these things should happen naturally. I am still strengthening my world and focusing on my goals – job, NVQ, gym, writing. I have a lot to work on…. Also, last week I got a new job 🙂 I will be a senior carer on nights, working in a dementia unit. The place where I am going to be working pays really well and it looks like Hogwarts! It actually blew me away when I went for the interview and the manager really liked me so I am looking forward to stepping into this new chapter!

    I am 30, and I do feel young!! Each day I remind myself that I am only 30, and work on grounding myself, my health and then focusing on my goals. How old are you?

    If i can ask: what made you feel like a bad person? I know how that feels. There have been things that I’ve done or been through (when I used to do alot of drugs) that sometimes I feel horrific about. But, I remind myself that the past is the past, and that making mistakes and having guilt is a human thing and there’s people in the world who have done alot worse than I have!!

    I am starting to get back into my spirituality again, which is really helping. A reminder to not listen too much to the ego-mind! There is a documentary on youtube called Samadhi which talks about the conscious energy who we really are. I try to remember that whenever I get into these sort of thoughts and questions and remind myself that it is the mind that it asking the questions.

    Thanks for referring back to my previous posts.

    I read back what I wrote, and it’s weird because I’m not upset about all that anymore. I remember at the time of writing, it felt like it needed to all come out and Tinybuddha felt like the space to do this and I released it. I would never write this stuff online now! But then, I have matured alot over the years.. I have come to terms with everything from my childhood and in day life I am not affected by it.  Sometimes my parents are in my dreams, but that is mostly it. I still work on my self-esteem and mindset daily.

    With the suffering quote – I realise now that my parents and also my sister are all older than me and all responsible adults too. I realise that they could’ve taken responsibility and reached out to me, and been concerned about me and my wellbeing. But they haven’t. and they have continued their lives as if I don’t exist, and so I have put the responsiblity back onto them (especially my parents) and I have focused on myself and tried to make my life as happy as it can be.

    In terms of you “losing” being a right person for me, that isn’t the case at all. I guess life happened, I continued to grow daily and try and better myself. Started becoming someone who I would like to be friends with, and in turn attracting better people into my life (and still am). I understand that our connection is solely Tinybuddha forums based, and so I considered myself to be another person in your sea of people that you are helping! Did you feel as though you “lost” me?

    It makes me happy that you are starting to believe in the numbers!! Mostly, I think the Universe does it to us, to remind us that it is there and is conscious and aware of what we are going through. At different points I have taken different paths in my life and the Universe has changed the angel number! At the moment mine are 23, 37 and still the classic 11:11.

    What numbers are you seeing?

    Ed was – something different. It was impossible for me to have a true authentic connection with him because he is SO guarded, you can feel the defensive energy coming off him and he was so irrational due to the alcohol and drugs and was illogical, not making sense and also delusional. Sadly. I tried to help him, and even just trying to sit him down and calm him down, I wasn’t able to do. It was insane. But I really tried to highlight the problem and I appealed to his family members to help him. I just really really hope that he chooses to grow and change and face himself and his addiction.




    Dear Anita,

    If I remember correctly, you said you lived in New England is this still the case? Do you live in a commune?

    Thank you – myself and Magick had a strong friendship before everything happened. I am glad that over time we managed to salvage that.

    Thank you for saying that I am a hard worker… I have worked in care for 10+ years now. I have some interviews lined up. There is a deputy manager job I found out about today and I have applied, really hoping that I get that one!

    Yes. It’s been a rollercoaster ride of emotion, seeing how severe Ed’s addiction was and how indenial about it he was. I know that I should’ve flagged this up on the first date and subtly said to him that it seemed that he wasn’t ready for a relationship but alas, I know better know. We shared some good times, but when he was drunk I got the brunt of everything wrong in his life. It was quite traumatic, if I’m honest but when I catch myself trying to unpick it and see if things could’ve been saved I keep telling myself “But Cat, he’s a coke/ alcohol addict”, erratic, delusional, insecure. This man should not be dating at all (!)

    From all of this, I’ve started to ask the question, what makes a good life? For me, at the moment going to the gym gives me a sense of purpose, hope, fitness and I’m going to start cooking better as well and doing more meditation. I ask you Anita, for you, what do you think makes a good life?





    Aww thanks Anita!!


    Dear Anita (and anyone else that reads this),

    Once again, I am back on the Tinybuddha forums with another life update.

    Firstly, how are you though? It’s been a year and 7 months since I have been on here.

    The Magick situation worked itself out. After an intense visit, it turned out that Magick had bipolar and he had not been taking his medication since the beginning of lockdown. He went back to France and focused on his health. He messaged me daily and sent me a box with letters he had written with genuine apologies. It’s taken us some time but we are friends again – he recognizes now exactly how it was from my perspective.

    As for me – I am still living in Bristol. I still work in care and I was working as a Team Leader in a care home. However, it was privately owned and there was alot of “b*tching” amongst the staff. I wasn’t supported by management in my role and they had favourites. It was a toxic work place for me to be in – I started there December last year (left beginning of August). It was also in June/ July that I dated my friend from school’s older brother – I’ll call him Ed.

    When I met back up with Ed, it was clear that he was now an alcoholic, sadly. He told me that the drinking was under control, but it wasn’t. We got on like a house on fire, however I didn’t realise that he was drinking so much and also doing alot of cocaine as well. I also found out that he got fired from his bar jobs because he was stealing, drinking on shift and harassing customers.

    We live about 2 hours apart so would visit each other. One Friday I worked a 12-hour shift and arranged to have a late meal with him here in Bristol. He called me, drunk and incredibly rude: “Where the f*** are you love? I’ve travelled 2 hours to see you”. I met with him, and put my foot down and said that no one deserves to be spoken to that way. He was drunk. We were supposed to have a nice weekend together, but he was unable to calm down and talk about his emotions – he was erratic, mood all over the place and I was in bed having nightmares and panic attacks.

    It was a lot to deal with. As he would keep saying to me “I’ve been so low that I haven’t wanted to get out of bed”, “I’m broken”. And whenever I would try and speak he would say “Don’t tell me who I am”, “Don’t tell me how I feel” – which I never did. He went distant and so I contacted his family saying I was worried about him. I was honest with them about his drinking and now his drug use and also that he needs help. I also went to see him out of the blue to try and speak to him, but he said that me telling his family was “out of spite”. I said that I did it because I was worried about him but he kept just saying “No. No. No” and just unable to sit down and communicate.. It was pretty heartbreaking.

    I haven’t heard from him since. The Ed situation combined with not being treated right at work took its toll and I ended up feeling suicidal. I told my work place this and they didn’t even ask if I was okay. I handed my notice in and then went off work sick. I am currently unemployed and taking each day as it comes. I have been going to the gym and trying to just… get myself back on track and confident again. It’s been so hard to not worry or think about Ed and how he is doing. I keep telling myself that people only change when they want to change, I just keep praying that he realises what he’s doing to his life and health soon.



    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your analysis of my post… I understand what you’re trying to say, but I haven’t officially been diagnosed with PTSD, so I think it’s dangerous to presume that…

    In general, I do have depression and I am diagnosed with BPD as you know.
    At the moment I am struggling with – the mortality of life and decisions.

    I’m 28 now and I’m scared about getting older, and not living the life that I was meant to.

    Throughout my 20’s I created this punk ego and tried to band stuff, never to much success. Hanging out in squats, people at protests and just, going through different friendship groups.

    I’m at a point now where I’ve dissolved my ego. I am trying to live life in accordance with who I really am. And I’ve gone back to writing the fantasy book. I went with my friend to Glastonbury yesterday, I’ve been there a few times now, and I do love it and have thoughts of moving there.

    I am struggling with knowing what to do with my life. I don’t have a partner. As I want to wait for the right person. I’m still in Bristol – should I go back to the punk ego and do band stuff? Or should I focus on the fantasy book? Keep my head down? I’m not on social media at the moment…

    I’m quite plagued with the darkness of the world. Suicidal thoughts,  the dairy industry, the porn industry and all these bad things. They really really plague my mind so much.

    I’d really like to come to peace with myself at first inside and know what I’m doing in life and how best I can try and change the world before I make any moves….

    I’d really like your advice on all of this, as I am finding it all a massive head f**k and confusion.

    P.S I’m glad that you have never looked at 11:11 the same way again!! I hope 11:11 comes to you more after this!

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Cat.

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for the in-depth reply.

    At the time I spoke to my friends who are polyamorous and they said that how Magic behaved was inappropriate and not polyamory. My best friend Hazel is polyamorous and said this: “Put it this way, it’d be like me planning a trip to go and see Anna (her girlfriend) and when getting in to her house, instantly inquiring about her girlfriend. It would just be so out of order”. How would Anna feel in that situation if she had been told that her loving girlfriend had come to see her and then made a comment about someone else?

    To put it simply. Respectful people seek to build relationships with others and carefully navigate ways of doing so. This goes the same for poly people too. What Magic did, was that he said that the trip and connection was about us, and then came in to my house and then made the situation about someone else. How can I put this – it’s like, having a potential partner, meeting up with them to discuss where you’re both at in the relationship and then them commenting on the person on the table next to you. Would you really think that that person was deep, meaningful and sincere?

    I have spoken to alot of poly people about this. And sadly, Magic is doing the same thing that alot of young people are doing these days – which is being attracted to alot of people and labelling it “polyamory”. Polyamory is the ability to build trusting relationships based on communication and trust. What Magic, and alot of other people are doing, is travelling around and having instant connections with people that could lead to something physical. Magic, therefore, should resign himself as single. That way he won’t upset people that he’s already promised to build trust with. Does this make sense?

    I can see why you are seeking to understand it from his perspective. As I normally do with things. A lot of good hearted, spiritual people would. But through this life I’ve realised the importance of amplifying your voice when its needed the most, and standing up for yourself when you’re being walked over. As a woman, we often silence ourselves in moments when we deserved to be treated better and seen. I listened to my heart, my passion, my soul and in that moment I stayed 100% true to my mind that was telling me – I deserve more.

    That trip was a lot…. He stayed in a hotel and we spent the week messaging back and forth and I would meet him and try and show him places. But quite frankly, the male entitlement and privilege that came off him was too much for me. Many times my intuition was telling me that we need to part ways and so I did. I was in constant torment all week of trying to show him around but at the same time, when I was in his presence, it didn’t feel right. I felt like I was doing myself an injustice. Energy doesn’t lie!

    By the end of the week, my housemates and I welcomed him back in to the house. Magic seemed a little manic at this point, and I still felt harmed being around him. I wish I hadn’t let him back in. He spent alot of time complaining to me about his girlfriend, and then he delayed his flight to France for a couple days and didn’t tell her. Then she was on videocall crying alot and he’d be reassuring her. He was lying to her too – and this is just a behaviour from a man that I really don’t support. It’s lying, and it’s quite misogynistic. Seeing himself first, women secondary , treating them in accordance to how they benefit his life in the moment.

    He was lying to his girlfriend about how he felt towards me. Then complaining about his girlfriend to me. Telling me that he wanted to “fix” things between me and him and that I’m his twin flame, and then making it seem my fault when I was upset that he made the trip about someone else.

    He spent time with my housemates and Lucy, and I left him in the house when I went to attend my work christmas party (at the residential home). I went there and hugged my colleagues who are my friends and I know they care about me. I stayed as long as I could because I didn’t want to go back to Magic. It felt horrible being in his presence because everything was about him. It felt like I was avoiding going back to an abusive relationship.

    After that party, I met Magic in town and he said he wasn’t well. On the bus back to mine we were sat on the back seat and Magic leaned in to my ear and whispered, in a really bitter voice. “When you were gone, I wanted to go up to Lucy’s room and talk to her for hours”. I asked him not to mention it please as we’d spent the week trying to move on from the whole situation and he was due to fly back to France in the morning.

    He then continued “You know what Cat. She’s kind, generous, loving. Not like you, you’re bitter, you’re mean, jealous, controlling”. He then stormed up the front of the bus. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. This man wasn’t thinking about my feelings, or Lucy’s feelings. This man was someone who just thought about himself and what he wanted in the moment,

    I asked him to leave again, and at first he refused. He said “there’s 5 people in that house. Let’s democratize the house and have a vote. (As if my all-female all-friends housemates would vote for him to stay). We got back and I told my housemates what happened and they instantly said, “No. He needs to go”. My housemate Clara said “He made the mistake once, and you worked through it. But you told him how it made you feel, and he knows how it makes you feel and how it upsets you. So he’s chosen to do that. This is completely out of order”.

    Clara and Sam (housemates) drove Magic to a hotel near the airport.

    The next day I received a phonecall from the Bristol airport police saying that Magic was manic and they were worried about him. Magic ended up going to a psychiatric hosptial where he had a psychotic breakdown.

    I spoke to his dad on the phone and he said that Magic was taking anti-psychotics before lockdown and stopped taking them beginning of lockdown and that it was common for him to get manic to the point of delusions. His girlfriend flew over to see him, and his dad asked me to stay away in case I triggered Magic or made it worse.

    It was intense, and there was alot of hurt between us. We couldn’t really keep up communication over technology as it was hurting me too much so we parted ways.

    I do hope Magic gets better, but I still can’t put myself in a position where I’m being hurt.

    Also – more to catch up on. ALOT has happened in December, I’ll write all after I’ve seen your reply to this.

    Hope you’re well!



    We agreed that this trip was going to be about US. We have never discussed what we are with each other and I never got to say my consent or boundaries in all of this either…

    He made his intentions clear from day 1 that the trip was about him and making new connections and not about US and our relationship, so he did essentially lie to me as he made it about him on the first night and not us.


    To Anita,


    I disagree. I think if Magic Really respected and loved me the way he said he did, then that moment would’ve been about US and our connection. It really would have, especially after everything I did for him and how much effort I put in to welcoming him in to my home.


    I am emotionally distraught and still shaking from the shock. My self esteem has been crushed.


    Thanks Anita – also, just want to point out that Magic isnt the Clarence guy. Magic was the person who let me stay with them when I left Clarence’s


    Dear Anita – & anyone else who reads this, I really need a reply ASAP.

    I really hope you read this soon, as once again I’ve found myself at a point in my life where I feel – mentally numbed and disabled from the current situation. I really need your advice on what I should do.

    I can’t remember if I said at the time or not, but I found myself in a tricky situation in Chicago in 2017. The person who helped me out, ill call him Magic. He found me when I needed him most and let me stay with him for the rest of my trip. We have been friends for four years since then and stayed in touch. I think I have romantically loved him for a long time. He is polyamorous and in a relationship with someone in France. He is spiritual and often goes a lot on universal signs and tarot readings. At the moment, he  doesn’t have a stable job and he’s travelling around Europe, living mostly on credit. He recently helped me pay £300 towards my rabbits vet bills too. ….

    Anyway, he booked in a trip to come and visit me. He decided this, I didn’t invite him. In general, I have been doing well. I am growing in confidence and I have a place of work that loves me to bits – both the people I support and my colleagues. And most of the time my housemates are supportive too.

    I planned a full packed week for Magic. Booked in loads of things and asked my housemates if he could stay here for a week. They were all excited to meet him. I picked him up from the airport on Wednesday. I even made a sign that said his name on it and held it up in arrivals. We had this mega hug and then we held hands on the bus back from the airport.

    I had previously arranged a surprise party for him. So when we got back to my house, all my housemates and our friends were in the kitchen and shouted “Surprise!”. I was so excited to introduce Magic in to my world because everyone in my life knows how highly I speak of him.

    Throughout the evening everyone was getting along great and having a great time.  He was getting on well with everyone and everyone loved him too.

    But – this is where my world falls apart. We were all drinking, and he spent a lot of time talking to my housemates. Around 1am he approaches me in the kitchen in front of everyone, holds me by my top arms and says “Cat,I feel so inspired. Your housemate Lucy. Is she single? Is she single?” My heart broke. He then continues “I can say that right? We’re polyamorous right? We’re polyamorous right?” (this is a conversation that we have never had).

    My heart was broken. I call I could say was “Who’s we?” and I went upstairs to my room to cry. It was horrible. My housemates spoke to him and set him up in the lounge. I went and spoke to him and said that I didn’t feel comfortable having him in my house. I was so hurt that after 4 years the first thing that he spoke to me about feelings was my housemate and I think that hurt was monumental. I felt overlooked, devalued and so many things.

    Magic stayed in a hotel. I met up with him on Friday and we had food and went to a show with my work mates. I told him that I still didn’t feel comfortable having him stay in my house but he didn’t book  hotel again so he had to stay at mine on Friday night. On Saturday I felt too upset to be around him so I asked him to leave.

    I’ve been so upset and messaging him how hurt I’ve been. It’s been horrible. He’s cried too and said that he said it because he wanted to share something and be honest. I explained that I never consented to be polyamorous and also that a rule for me is that if I was in something that was poly, I wouldn’t want to know what that person feels towards other people. I also said that it’s so inappropriate to try anything with someones housemate in general. Everyone knows that.

    He’s staying in a hotel. I went to see him last night to tell him that I’d romantically loved him since Chicago. He said he always wants me in his life in some way or other and he thinks that I’m his twin flame. He showed me that he’d written this in his notebook, and was reading me the entire contents of his notebook. My heart felt closed and sometimes open. He went to the bathroom and I was flicking through the pages and he wrote that he had gone for  roast that day, but he had previously messaged me saying he’d been in his pjamas all day.

    I asked him about it when he came out of the bathroom and he said that he went for a roast at Chris’s flat (Chris is my housemate Chloe’s boyfriend – Magic met him at the party on Weds). But Chris had told Magic not to tell me. This made me feel really paranoid and worse about the situation and that I’m lesser than everyone else. I wanted to leave but Magic shouted at me and told me that I don’t know how to love, that I only know how to snap at people who cross my path, that my aim was to make him as low as I was and that I am selfish. I really wanted to leave. He said I was a rubbish host because I abandoned him and left him alone in this unknown city.

    Magic apologised and said he wanted me to stay and work through it because he loves me and that I’m worth it. Everything was so confusing because as much as I do want to stay and work through it, I also feel incredibly hurt and don’t feel like I can be around him, even though I’m meant to be hosting him.

    I stayed the night at the hotel. We kissed and held each other. But deep down my heart and mind still feels locked in insecurity and this situation has brought up alot of things I need to do for myself – such as live for myself. We went for breakfst this morning, but I couldn’t speak and I had to leave him in the cafe.

    I m home now. Feeling like a crap host, an abandoner, a loser and sat here with all my insecurities not knowing what to do – whether to sit with this pain and focus on my art, or try and push myself to go and be with Magic. I must add that at this moment in time Magic is super hyper and manic and not the same grounded person I met in Chicago. Wherever he is at mentally right now, I don’t think that I can support as I feel too hurt and also my own insecurities have flared up since Wednesday and I am struggling to see past them.

    Someone, please advise what I should do.



    Dear Anita,

    I worked through this relationsship for months. I am 27, he is 20.

    I’ve reached the point now where I’ve told him some really harsh truths about him and his mates. It hasn’t been pretty to say the least.

    I really don’t know whether to focus on the good in him and try and work through it. Or break it off with him. I havent been great to him and ive been quite hard on him. He’s depressed, really depressed n says that he needs support.


    Dear Anita,

    It’s been a while since we last spoke – how are you?

    I’ve recently found myself reflecting on my own guilt, and my own background of where I came from. I think this is a massive reason why I hide away from the world. I don’t feel normal or human, and I feel like if everyone knew everything about me then they would see me as a walking freakshow.

    I say this because my family heritage isn’t interesting, and I come from generations of close/ breeding and sometimes distanced incest 🙁 This is horrible. I wish I had a heritage that I was interested and proud of, but I don’t. I don’t feel like a normal or deserving person.



    Dear Anita,

    How does anyone process a death like this? :'( She was SUCH a bright soul. So young, and sweet and pure. Not a bad bone in her body. SO passionate about music.

    Her Dad emailed me photo’s of the tree in London. Her friends there decorated it with guitar picks and other things she liked 🙁 That just made it feel too real. It’s awful. I think of her young sweet, smiling face, and I can’t believe I’ll never see or talk to her again :'( How does anyone get over that? It feels like she’s gone and there’s nothing we can do to save her.

    She was 1 in a million and I feel like we’ve missed out and lost so much. I still can’t believe it.



    Dear Anita,

    I returned to work last week, but I felt too overwhelmed to make a decision about what to do with work. Especially with everything going on right now.

    I’m not too great. I found out on Monday that one of my old friends committed suicide :'( She was only 20. I met her when she was 17. She had such a big heart and was so smart. She took her life on the 17th, after 2 previous attempts. She hung herself in the woods :'(

    She was a trans woman. I met her as a boy, and watched her become Lucy. She fronted her own band, and her favourite band was Against Me.
    Yesterday I was empty and depressed and stayed inside. Last night I started crying.

    This morning I emailed all my memories to her Mum and family. And listened to Against Me and cried.
    This month has been the worst.


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