June 29, 2020 at 12:00 pm #359970AnonymousGuest
Exactly two years ago, June 29, 2018, you posted regarding a CBT situation/ emotion/ thoughts log and an Activity Diary you were working on. Regarding finances, you worked out a strict budget, planning on extending your overdraft at the time till July, and then saving with a budget plan for the next few months, so to pay off all your debt. You also shopped for food the other day, planning on eating healthier.
You described at the time nightmares you were having: “I am prone to getting severe nightmares… The nightmares always revolve around something that’s happened in the past, but it happens again in the dream, but differently.. After I’ve had the nightmares, my mind feels so trapped, taken back to the past and a bad place, and sometimes it can take me all day to get back to my present reality”.
Two years later, June 28, 2020, you wrote: “I’ve recently found myself reflecting on my own guilt, and my own background of where I came for. I think this is a massive reason why I hide away from the world. I don’t feel normal or human, and I feel like if everyone knew everything about me then they would see me as a walking freak show…
“I come from generations of close/ breeding and sometimes distanced incest. This is horrible. I wish I had a heritage that I was interested and proud of, but I don’t. I don’t feel like a normal or deserving person”-
You are not defined by your heritage, Cat. You are not defined by any incest that may have occurred in your family. We humans have so much in common with each other as strangers, and often we have more in common with strangers than we have with family.
Our families do not define us. Let our humanity define us, not our families. As I say from time to time: sometimes Family is just another f word. Look at yourself in the mirror, see your humanity which makes you and me so very similar.
I too felt like a freak. I felt that way most of my life. What a surprise it was when I discovered that I was not and am not a freak! A great surprise, I had no idea. I want you too to discover that you are not at all a freak.
I hope to read from you soon.
anitaOctober 25, 2021 at 7:17 am #387784
Dear Anita – & anyone else who reads this, I really need a reply ASAP.
I really hope you read this soon, as once again I’ve found myself at a point in my life where I feel – mentally numbed and disabled from the current situation. I really need your advice on what I should do.
I can’t remember if I said at the time or not, but I found myself in a tricky situation in Chicago in 2017. The person who helped me out, ill call him Magic. He found me when I needed him most and let me stay with him for the rest of my trip. We have been friends for four years since then and stayed in touch. I think I have romantically loved him for a long time. He is polyamorous and in a relationship with someone in France. He is spiritual and often goes a lot on universal signs and tarot readings. At the moment, he doesn’t have a stable job and he’s travelling around Europe, living mostly on credit. He recently helped me pay £300 towards my rabbits vet bills too. ….
Anyway, he booked in a trip to come and visit me. He decided this, I didn’t invite him. In general, I have been doing well. I am growing in confidence and I have a place of work that loves me to bits – both the people I support and my colleagues. And most of the time my housemates are supportive too.
I planned a full packed week for Magic. Booked in loads of things and asked my housemates if he could stay here for a week. They were all excited to meet him. I picked him up from the airport on Wednesday. I even made a sign that said his name on it and held it up in arrivals. We had this mega hug and then we held hands on the bus back from the airport.
I had previously arranged a surprise party for him. So when we got back to my house, all my housemates and our friends were in the kitchen and shouted “Surprise!”. I was so excited to introduce Magic in to my world because everyone in my life knows how highly I speak of him.
Throughout the evening everyone was getting along great and having a great time. He was getting on well with everyone and everyone loved him too.
But – this is where my world falls apart. We were all drinking, and he spent a lot of time talking to my housemates. Around 1am he approaches me in the kitchen in front of everyone, holds me by my top arms and says “Cat,I feel so inspired. Your housemate Lucy. Is she single? Is she single?” My heart broke. He then continues “I can say that right? We’re polyamorous right? We’re polyamorous right?” (this is a conversation that we have never had).
My heart was broken. I call I could say was “Who’s we?” and I went upstairs to my room to cry. It was horrible. My housemates spoke to him and set him up in the lounge. I went and spoke to him and said that I didn’t feel comfortable having him in my house. I was so hurt that after 4 years the first thing that he spoke to me about feelings was my housemate and I think that hurt was monumental. I felt overlooked, devalued and so many things.
Magic stayed in a hotel. I met up with him on Friday and we had food and went to a show with my work mates. I told him that I still didn’t feel comfortable having him stay in my house but he didn’t book hotel again so he had to stay at mine on Friday night. On Saturday I felt too upset to be around him so I asked him to leave.
I’ve been so upset and messaging him how hurt I’ve been. It’s been horrible. He’s cried too and said that he said it because he wanted to share something and be honest. I explained that I never consented to be polyamorous and also that a rule for me is that if I was in something that was poly, I wouldn’t want to know what that person feels towards other people. I also said that it’s so inappropriate to try anything with someones housemate in general. Everyone knows that.
He’s staying in a hotel. I went to see him last night to tell him that I’d romantically loved him since Chicago. He said he always wants me in his life in some way or other and he thinks that I’m his twin flame. He showed me that he’d written this in his notebook, and was reading me the entire contents of his notebook. My heart felt closed and sometimes open. He went to the bathroom and I was flicking through the pages and he wrote that he had gone for roast that day, but he had previously messaged me saying he’d been in his pjamas all day.
I asked him about it when he came out of the bathroom and he said that he went for a roast at Chris’s flat (Chris is my housemate Chloe’s boyfriend – Magic met him at the party on Weds). But Chris had told Magic not to tell me. This made me feel really paranoid and worse about the situation and that I’m lesser than everyone else. I wanted to leave but Magic shouted at me and told me that I don’t know how to love, that I only know how to snap at people who cross my path, that my aim was to make him as low as I was and that I am selfish. I really wanted to leave. He said I was a rubbish host because I abandoned him and left him alone in this unknown city.
Magic apologised and said he wanted me to stay and work through it because he loves me and that I’m worth it. Everything was so confusing because as much as I do want to stay and work through it, I also feel incredibly hurt and don’t feel like I can be around him, even though I’m meant to be hosting him.
I stayed the night at the hotel. We kissed and held each other. But deep down my heart and mind still feels locked in insecurity and this situation has brought up alot of things I need to do for myself – such as live for myself. We went for breakfst this morning, but I couldn’t speak and I had to leave him in the cafe.
I m home now. Feeling like a crap host, an abandoner, a loser and sat here with all my insecurities not knowing what to do – whether to sit with this pain and focus on my art, or try and push myself to go and be with Magic. I must add that at this moment in time Magic is super hyper and manic and not the same grounded person I met in Chicago. Wherever he is at mentally right now, I don’t think that I can support as I feel too hurt and also my own insecurities have flared up since Wednesday and I am struggling to see past them.
Someone, please advise what I should do.
CatOctober 25, 2021 at 8:02 am #387786AnonymousGuest
Welcome back to your thread. Good to read this: “In general, I have been doing well. I am growing in confidence and I have a place of work that loves me to bits – both the people I support and my colleagues. And most of the time my housemates are supportive too“!
The arrival of Magic (I definitely remember you sharing about him!) shook you, and as a result.. you are feeling shaken, unbalanced. I want to re-read what you previously shared about Magic, years ago and reply further. For now, I think that the best thing for you to do is to not see Magic, and instead: have down time, calm down by focusing on your art. I will be back to you within the hour.
anitaOctober 25, 2021 at 8:50 am #387787
Thanks Anita – also, just want to point out that Magic isnt the Clarence guy. Magic was the person who let me stay with them when I left Clarence’sOctober 25, 2021 at 10:21 am #387789AnonymousGuest
Is that you in the photo??? I am glad that you added that Magic is not Clarence. Looking at the beginning of your thread, seems like Magic is Jim.
Let’s look at what got you so shaken this week: Magic initiated a visit to your city. You, having been on-and-off interested in him romantically for a long time- were excited at the idea of having a ..magical Magic-Cat week with him. You asked your housemates s if he could stay at the house, they said yes, you planned lots of things to do with him during the expected magical visit. Before leaving for the airport to pick him up, you arranged for a surprise party for him, then picked him up Wed., Oct 20 with his name on a sign, had “a mega hug and then.. held hands on the bus back from the airport“. At home, all your housemates shouted “Surprise!“, you were “so excited to introduce Magic” into your world, expecting a romantic, magical Cat-Magic week.
Still same night, Oct 20, the night of his arrival, everyone was drinking. At 1 am, Thursday, Oct 21, he approached you in the kitchen in front of everyone, and said: “Cat, I feel so inspired. Your housemate Lucy. Is she single? Is she single?.. I can say that right? We’re polyamorous right? We’re polyamorous right?”
You went upstairs to your room to cry, then told him that you are too hurt, feeling “overlooked, devalued and so many things“, and that you are not comfortable with him in the house. He stayed at a hotel. You met him Friday, Oct 22, for food and a show. You told him you still didn’t feel comfortable having him in the house, but he ended up staying at your house Friday night regardless. On Saturday, Oct 23, “feeling too upset to be around him“, you asked him to leave.
He stayed in a hotel. Sunday night, Oct 24 (last night), you told him that you “romantically loved him since Chicago“. He told you that he thinks that you are his twin flame. You then discovered that he lied to you, hiding the fact that he went for a roast at your housemate’s boyfriend’s flat because the boyfriend told Magic to.. not tell you. You got very upset at that, turned to leave Magic’s hotel room, and Magic shouted at you, saying that you don’t know how to love, that you snap at people.. that you were selfish and a rubbish host, having abandoned him in Bristol, a city he didn’t know. He later apologized, said he loves you and wants to work through things.
You then stayed last night at the hotel with him, kissing and holding each other, went for breakfast today, Monday morning. Still too upset, you left him at the cafe. Currently, Monday afternoon (your time), you are at home, “feeling like a crap host, an abandoner, a loser.. not knowing what to do“. You added: “at this moment in time Magic is super hyper and manic and not the same grounded person I met in Chicago… Someone, please advise what I should do“-
-You shared about Magic in your very first post, February 3, 2018, regarding the year before (2017): “Before I went to the festival I was couch surfing with a guy, who I’ll call Jim. When I met Jim we were friends instantly: I told him about 11:11, and he got out his tarot cards. He was a very healthy, spiritual individual – and someone I knew I was meant to meet“. After spending 3 or 4 days in Chicago with Clarence, taking drugs, etc., this happened: “Luckily I was in contact with Jim who agreed to meet me. He got off work, and let me stay in his flat again. He let me sleep and sweat the drugs out, fed me well and surrounded me with health. I stayed with him the rest of my time in Chicago“.
Still in your original Post, Feb 3, 2018, you shared: “I think it’s likely that I have borderline personality disorder like my sister does and I’m waiting for a diagnosis“. In May 7 2018, you shared: “I had my mental health assessment last Wednesday – I showed the assessor the post that you said too as well. I told her everything, and was diagnosed with ‘borderline personality disorder'”.
In August 10, 2018, you shared regarding your Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): “I have stable relationships with my housemates, people at work etc., etc. And it’s only romantic relationships that trigger me, and are that intense up-and-down trust-lack of trust thing“.
This fits perfectly with what you shared today: “In general, I have been doing well. I am growing in confidence and I have a place of work that loves me to bits – both the people I support and my colleagues. And most of the time my housemates are supportive too“!”, but it is in the context of romantic relationships (currently Magic), that your BPD gets triggered.
Previously you shared about your emotional experiences: extreme anxiety, extreme depression, terrible nightmares, and at times feeling manic (“when I’m manic/ fixated on something… I tend to just get fixated on what it is that is making me manic, and staying in my pajamas being obsessed…I’ve been really quite high. And haven’t been able to sleep properly as too excited – like a child at Christmas”, Feb 28, 2018), as well as your experiences with street drugs. Following your BPD diagnosis you were prescribed with antipsychotics, which are supposed to balance your moods and help you sleep.
Before I return to the here-and-now, I want to quote from what you shared May 11, 2018: “Yes, the nightmares make me feel extremely invisible. I guess that’s how I felt a lot growing up. My parents never bothered to see me and my sister as individuals or treat us as such. We were simply just things.. They argued in front of us all the time – they didn’t care if we saw or not.. Growing up – my parents never bothered to hang out with us, or get to know us as people… It was all about my Mum. I remember seeing my Mum depressed lying on her bed etc. They never tried with us at all – so me and my sister kind of floated through life.. They just wanted us to be as quiet as possible“-
– and now, back to the here-and-now. I think that when Magic approached you in regard to his interest in your housemate, he triggered your growing-up experience of feeling extremely invisible, of being treated like a thing, of (your parents) not bothering to get to know you as a person, not bothering to see you or hang out with you, a childhood experience that was all about your depressed mother.. and none about you.
You shared today that what Magic did made you feel “overlooked, devalued and so many things“- like I wrote above, i think that your very, very difficult childhood experience was triggered.
Did Magic do wrong? Yes, but his wrong behavior was .. triggered by alcohol intoxication and seems like he did not mean to hurt you. At the time, Thursday 1 am, following lots of travel time and alcohol.. he just felt right about telling you what he did, in front of everyone.. it felt just right. Because you and him were not in a committed love relationship (boyfriend-girlfriend) before his visit, I don’t think that he bears responsibility for your expectations for the visit, and for your strong reaction to his polyamorous mention Thursday at 1 am. He is not responsible for your childhood experience (he wasn’t there), and so, he is not responsible for what got triggered in you.
I am wondering if you are still prescribed with anti-psychotics/ other medications for your BPD and mood disorder.. as well as for the nightmares?
anitaOctober 25, 2021 at 11:46 am #387791
I disagree. I think if Magic Really respected and loved me the way he said he did, then that moment would’ve been about US and our connection. It really would have, especially after everything I did for him and how much effort I put in to welcoming him in to my home.
I am emotionally distraught and still shaking from the shock. My self esteem has been crushed.October 25, 2021 at 12:01 pm #387793AnonymousGuest
I understand of course, that you feel emotionally distraught and shaking and I am so sorry that this is your experience. I wish you were having fun this week, instead of feeling crushed.
I agree that he didn’t respect you and love you.. not the way you expected him to respect and love you. I am guessing that he did tell you sometime in the last four years that he is polyamorous, which means that he is okay- and finds it even preferrable- to be intimately involved with more than one woman at a time. I am not at all a fan of this practice, but if he told you that this is his practice.. then expecting him to be different is unrealistic, isn’t it?
anitaOctober 25, 2021 at 3:22 pm #387799
We agreed that this trip was going to be about US. We have never discussed what we are with each other and I never got to say my consent or boundaries in all of this either…
He made his intentions clear from day 1 that the trip was about him and making new connections and not about US and our relationship, so he did essentially lie to me as he made it about him on the first night and not us.October 25, 2021 at 8:35 pm #387803AnonymousGuest
He messed up then, aided by drinking that night. Too bad. You did the right thing having him leave the house and rent a hotel room. He can’t legitimately complain about you being a bad hostess when he told you that his visit will be about you and him, and then wanting to add your housemate to the mix. I hope that you can soon recover. I will be back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.
anitaOctober 26, 2021 at 9:02 am #387821AnonymousGuest
I noticed something that I didn’t notice yesterday: in the beginning of your post, you wrote about Magic: “He is polyamorous and in a relationship with someone in France“, which means that you knew right before he visited you that (1) He is polyamorous, (2) He is currently involved with another woman in France.
Next, you introduced him to your housemates, one who is a single woman. After some drinks, he did his polyamorous thing and openly expressed to you and to her that .. basically, he is romantically interested in your housemate.
Your reaction: “this is where my world falls apart… My heart was broken… I went upstairs to my room to cry. It was horrible… that hurt was monumental. I felt overlooked, devalued and so many things… I felt too upset.. I’ve been so upset and messaging him how hurt I’ve been. It’s been horrible… incredibly hurt.. too hurt and also my own insecurities have flared up since Wednesday and I am struggling to see past them.. I am emotionally distraught and still shaking from the shock. My self esteem has been crushed“-
-this is a severe overreaction over almost a week, taking into consideration that you knew before his visit that he is in at least one other relationship and that he is polyamorous. Here is an online definition of polyamory: “Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved“- well, what he said and did Wed night was what polyamorous people do, by definition. And yet, you reacted as if what he did was outside what one would realistically expect.
“he said that he went for a roast at Chris’s flat (Chris is my housemate Chloe’s boyfriend.. But Chris had told Magic not to tell me“- I am guessing that Chris did not want the drama in his own flat after witnessing your days-long severe reactions to the event of Wednesday night.
“We agreed that this trip was going to be about US“- the polyamorous definition of “us” (2 or more) is different from a mono-amorous definition (2).
The Mayo clinic, on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), of which you were diagnosed: “inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships”.
Under symptoms, it reads: “A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel“- I clearly remember this pattern in your previous relationships and we communicated about it at length.
Another symptom: “Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours“- only yesterday you wrote: “This made me feel really paranoid“.
And very clearly, “Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety” are very evident in your posts yesterday.
The Mayo clinic adds: “If you have borderline personality disorder, don’t get discouraged. Many people with this disorder get better over time with treatment and can learn to live satisfying lives“- and you already got better, having a stable employment, and stable relationships with your work colleagues and with your housemates. It is romantic relationships that are most difficult for you to manage. You wrote so more than 3 years ago, in August 10, 2018: “I have stable relationships with my housemates, people at work etc., etc. And it’s only romantic relationships that trigger me”-
Congratulations for over three years of progress! I hope that you will make progress in regard to your interactions with men to whom you have romantic feelings. Build on the progress you already made, and don’t give up!
anitaJanuary 21, 2022 at 5:33 am #391671
Thank you for the in-depth reply.
At the time I spoke to my friends who are polyamorous and they said that how Magic behaved was inappropriate and not polyamory. My best friend Hazel is polyamorous and said this: “Put it this way, it’d be like me planning a trip to go and see Anna (her girlfriend) and when getting in to her house, instantly inquiring about her girlfriend. It would just be so out of order”. How would Anna feel in that situation if she had been told that her loving girlfriend had come to see her and then made a comment about someone else?
To put it simply. Respectful people seek to build relationships with others and carefully navigate ways of doing so. This goes the same for poly people too. What Magic did, was that he said that the trip and connection was about us, and then came in to my house and then made the situation about someone else. How can I put this – it’s like, having a potential partner, meeting up with them to discuss where you’re both at in the relationship and then them commenting on the person on the table next to you. Would you really think that that person was deep, meaningful and sincere?
I have spoken to alot of poly people about this. And sadly, Magic is doing the same thing that alot of young people are doing these days – which is being attracted to alot of people and labelling it “polyamory”. Polyamory is the ability to build trusting relationships based on communication and trust. What Magic, and alot of other people are doing, is travelling around and having instant connections with people that could lead to something physical. Magic, therefore, should resign himself as single. That way he won’t upset people that he’s already promised to build trust with. Does this make sense?
I can see why you are seeking to understand it from his perspective. As I normally do with things. A lot of good hearted, spiritual people would. But through this life I’ve realised the importance of amplifying your voice when its needed the most, and standing up for yourself when you’re being walked over. As a woman, we often silence ourselves in moments when we deserved to be treated better and seen. I listened to my heart, my passion, my soul and in that moment I stayed 100% true to my mind that was telling me – I deserve more.
That trip was a lot…. He stayed in a hotel and we spent the week messaging back and forth and I would meet him and try and show him places. But quite frankly, the male entitlement and privilege that came off him was too much for me. Many times my intuition was telling me that we need to part ways and so I did. I was in constant torment all week of trying to show him around but at the same time, when I was in his presence, it didn’t feel right. I felt like I was doing myself an injustice. Energy doesn’t lie!
By the end of the week, my housemates and I welcomed him back in to the house. Magic seemed a little manic at this point, and I still felt harmed being around him. I wish I hadn’t let him back in. He spent alot of time complaining to me about his girlfriend, and then he delayed his flight to France for a couple days and didn’t tell her. Then she was on videocall crying alot and he’d be reassuring her. He was lying to her too – and this is just a behaviour from a man that I really don’t support. It’s lying, and it’s quite misogynistic. Seeing himself first, women secondary , treating them in accordance to how they benefit his life in the moment.
He was lying to his girlfriend about how he felt towards me. Then complaining about his girlfriend to me. Telling me that he wanted to “fix” things between me and him and that I’m his twin flame, and then making it seem my fault when I was upset that he made the trip about someone else.
He spent time with my housemates and Lucy, and I left him in the house when I went to attend my work christmas party (at the residential home). I went there and hugged my colleagues who are my friends and I know they care about me. I stayed as long as I could because I didn’t want to go back to Magic. It felt horrible being in his presence because everything was about him. It felt like I was avoiding going back to an abusive relationship.
After that party, I met Magic in town and he said he wasn’t well. On the bus back to mine we were sat on the back seat and Magic leaned in to my ear and whispered, in a really bitter voice. “When you were gone, I wanted to go up to Lucy’s room and talk to her for hours”. I asked him not to mention it please as we’d spent the week trying to move on from the whole situation and he was due to fly back to France in the morning.
He then continued “You know what Cat. She’s kind, generous, loving. Not like you, you’re bitter, you’re mean, jealous, controlling”. He then stormed up the front of the bus. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. This man wasn’t thinking about my feelings, or Lucy’s feelings. This man was someone who just thought about himself and what he wanted in the moment,
I asked him to leave again, and at first he refused. He said “there’s 5 people in that house. Let’s democratize the house and have a vote. (As if my all-female all-friends housemates would vote for him to stay). We got back and I told my housemates what happened and they instantly said, “No. He needs to go”. My housemate Clara said “He made the mistake once, and you worked through it. But you told him how it made you feel, and he knows how it makes you feel and how it upsets you. So he’s chosen to do that. This is completely out of order”.
Clara and Sam (housemates) drove Magic to a hotel near the airport.
The next day I received a phonecall from the Bristol airport police saying that Magic was manic and they were worried about him. Magic ended up going to a psychiatric hosptial where he had a psychotic breakdown.
I spoke to his dad on the phone and he said that Magic was taking anti-psychotics before lockdown and stopped taking them beginning of lockdown and that it was common for him to get manic to the point of delusions. His girlfriend flew over to see him, and his dad asked me to stay away in case I triggered Magic or made it worse.
It was intense, and there was alot of hurt between us. We couldn’t really keep up communication over technology as it was hurting me too much so we parted ways.
I do hope Magic gets better, but I still can’t put myself in a position where I’m being hurt.
Also – more to catch up on. ALOT has happened in December, I’ll write all after I’ve seen your reply to this.
Hope you’re well!
CatJanuary 21, 2022 at 9:36 am #391674AnonymousGuest
You are welcome and thank you for inquiring: I am well. I will be reading the first part of your post, respond to it, then read the next part, respond to that, and so forth. It feels like having a conversation in real-time, when I do this. It will be a long conversation, and by the end of the post I will probably understand something that I didn’t understand at the beginning. I hope that you have the patience to read it in a focused way, if not in one sitting, then maybe in a few.
“At the time I spoke to my friends who are polyamorous, and they said that how Magic behaved was inappropriate and not polyamory” – I agree that his behavior was inappropriate. The label polyamorous doesn’t make it appropriate.
At the time, it was 1 am and he was drinking for a while (“We were all drinking, and he spent a lot of time talking to my housemates. Around 1am..“). When people drink alcohol, inhibitions are lowered… doesn’t make his behavior appropriate either but combining the polyamorous and the alcohol: his behavior wouldn’t have surprised me, if I was in your shoes.
“What Magic did, was that he said that the trip and connection was about us, and then came into my house and then made the situation about someone else… Would you really think that that person was deep, meaningful and sincere?” –
– it’s a tough question to answer because you wrote back in Oct 25, after the event: “We agreed that this trip was going to be about US. We have never discussed what we are with each other” – meaning, the “US” was not identified or detailed: it was vague. Add to that the polyamorous factor and the alcohol factor, and I can’t judge his sincerity that night. But I dislike his behavior nonetheless.
“Polyamory is the ability to build trusting relationships based on communication and trust” – personally, no way I could ever build a trusting romantic relationship with a polyamorous. I find it offensive to have an intimate relationship with a person, knowing that they are okay with having the same intimacy with someone else… the day before, or the day or week after.
“I have spoken to a lot of poly people about this. And sadly, Magic is doing the same thing that a lot of young people are doing these days…. travelling around and having instant connections with people that could lead to something physical. Magic, therefore, should resign himself as single. That way he won’t upset people that he’s already promised to build trust with. Does this make sense?” – absolutely, it makes sense. He is and has been single all along, that is: not in a committed, exclusive relationship with anyone.
“I can see why you are seeking to understand it from his perspective” – I tried to understand it from the perspective of truth, seeing the bigger picture of the reality of it all. It’s easier to do this when one is not personally involved in the situation and therefore not too emotional.
“Through this life I’ve realised the importance of amplifying your voice when it’s needed the most and standing up for yourself when you’re being walked over” – sure, you should stand up for yourself when you are being walked over, but there are times when you feel that you are walked over, but you are not really being walked over.
“I listened to my heart, my passion, my soul and in that moment” – there is a term called emotional reasoning. It means that you believe that something is true just because you feel that it is, and you are not taking into considerations factors that contradict what you feel. For example, in this case, you feel that Magic betrayed an “US” that was never defined. You felt the “US”. (I imagine that you get angry when I expresses a thought that does not agree with what you feel to be true).
“As a woman, we often silence ourselves in moments when we deserved to be treated better and seen… I stayed 100% true to my mind that was telling me – I deserve more” – you do deserve more: you deserve an honest man who will see you and appreciate you and treat you well! I like it that you wrote here that you were true to what your mind was telling you. Try to involve your mind (objective thinking) in your evaluation of romantic interests, not only your heart (feeling, which is very subjective).
“I was in constant torment all week of trying to show him around but at the same time, when I was in his presence, it didn’t feel right. I felt like I was doing myself an injustice. Energy doesn’t lie!” – when I stress the importance of objective thinking (in addition to feeling) when evaluating people and situations, I do not mean that one needs to ignore one’s feelings and suffer unnecessarily: you should have stayed away from him simply because spending time with him was a constant torment!
As far as “Energy doesn’t lie!” – true, it doesn’t lie, it’s just that we have to keep our minds open (aka to think objectively) to the true message behind the energy. What is the energy telling us? When emotionally reasoning, we often get stuck in an incomplete and biased understanding of a situation.
“By the end of the week, my housemates and I welcomed him back into the house. Magic seemed a little manic at this point, and I still felt harmed being around him. I wish I hadn’t let him back in” – I too wish you didn’t let him back in!
“He was lying to his girlfriend about how he felt towards me. Then complaining about his girlfriend to me. Telling me that he wanted to “fix” things between me and him and that I’m his twin flame, and then making it seem my fault when I was upset that he made the trip about someone else” – I am now ready to judge his sincerity as severely lacking!
“It felt horrible being in his presence because everything was about him. It felt like I was avoiding going back to an abusive relationship” – too bad his girlfriend is probably suffering now.
“After that party… On the bus back to mine… (he) whispered, in a really bitter voice: “When you were gone, I wanted to go up to Lucy’s room and talk to her for hours… she’s kind… Not like you…“- oh, so he is insincere and an ass***.
“Magic ended up going to a psychiatric hospital where he had a psychotic breakdown… Magic was taking anti-psychotics… and stopped taking them… and that it was common for him to get manic to the point of delusions. His girlfriend flew over to see him, and his dad asked me to stay away in case I triggered Magic or made it worse” – the plot thickens. Insincere, an ass**** and very mentally unwell. Too bad. Well, it is definitely a bad idea to continue any kind of contact with him.
“Also – more to catch up on. ALOT has happened in December, I’ll write all after I’ve seen your reply to this” – looking forward to being caught up!
anitaJanuary 21, 2022 at 11:26 am #391677AnonymousGuest
I wanted to add that I am aware that you want me/ other people to agree with you that Magic is the-bad-guy in this situation, and that you’ve been his victim. I ended my last post to you giving in a bit to what I believe to be your expectation, and in so doing, I wasn’t genuine enough. I want to correct myself: you were both wrong in this situation, harming each other. In this situation, you were both mentally unwell: him being off his antipsychotic medications, you- displaying the BPD dynamics and behaviors I mentioned in my post before last. He triggered your BPD; you triggered his psychosis… not a good situation.
“His dad asked me to stay away in case I triggered Magic or made it worse” – excellent idea.
Because of your diagnosed BPD, it is very important that in regard to romantic prospects, you will be careful: get to know the man before you get involved with him, so to see that he is not the kind of guy that is likely to greatly trigger your BPD. Even in a relationship with a man who is least likely to trigger you, you will still have to be aware/mindful, able to think as objectively as you can (CBT exercises promote that), regulate your emotions and exercise reasonable self-control over your behaviors.
anitaJanuary 22, 2022 at 7:15 pm #391695AnonymousGuest
I wanted to tell you, if it’s you in the photo- you are so very pretty, a very pretty Cat in Bristol U.K.
anitaSeptember 19, 2023 at 7:25 am #422245
Dear Anita (and anyone else that reads this),
Once again, I am back on the Tinybuddha forums with another life update.
Firstly, how are you though? It’s been a year and 7 months since I have been on here.
The Magick situation worked itself out. After an intense visit, it turned out that Magick had bipolar and he had not been taking his medication since the beginning of lockdown. He went back to France and focused on his health. He messaged me daily and sent me a box with letters he had written with genuine apologies. It’s taken us some time but we are friends again – he recognizes now exactly how it was from my perspective.
As for me – I am still living in Bristol. I still work in care and I was working as a Team Leader in a care home. However, it was privately owned and there was alot of “b*tching” amongst the staff. I wasn’t supported by management in my role and they had favourites. It was a toxic work place for me to be in – I started there December last year (left beginning of August). It was also in June/ July that I dated my friend from school’s older brother – I’ll call him Ed.
When I met back up with Ed, it was clear that he was now an alcoholic, sadly. He told me that the drinking was under control, but it wasn’t. We got on like a house on fire, however I didn’t realise that he was drinking so much and also doing alot of cocaine as well. I also found out that he got fired from his bar jobs because he was stealing, drinking on shift and harassing customers.
We live about 2 hours apart so would visit each other. One Friday I worked a 12-hour shift and arranged to have a late meal with him here in Bristol. He called me, drunk and incredibly rude: “Where the f*** are you love? I’ve travelled 2 hours to see you”. I met with him, and put my foot down and said that no one deserves to be spoken to that way. He was drunk. We were supposed to have a nice weekend together, but he was unable to calm down and talk about his emotions – he was erratic, mood all over the place and I was in bed having nightmares and panic attacks.
It was a lot to deal with. As he would keep saying to me “I’ve been so low that I haven’t wanted to get out of bed”, “I’m broken”. And whenever I would try and speak he would say “Don’t tell me who I am”, “Don’t tell me how I feel” – which I never did. He went distant and so I contacted his family saying I was worried about him. I was honest with them about his drinking and now his drug use and also that he needs help. I also went to see him out of the blue to try and speak to him, but he said that me telling his family was “out of spite”. I said that I did it because I was worried about him but he kept just saying “No. No. No” and just unable to sit down and communicate.. It was pretty heartbreaking.
I haven’t heard from him since. The Ed situation combined with not being treated right at work took its toll and I ended up feeling suicidal. I told my work place this and they didn’t even ask if I was okay. I handed my notice in and then went off work sick. I am currently unemployed and taking each day as it comes. I have been going to the gym and trying to just… get myself back on track and confident again. It’s been so hard to not worry or think about Ed and how he is doing. I keep telling myself that people only change when they want to change, I just keep praying that he realises what he’s doing to his life and health soon.