February 3, 2018 at 7:04 pm #190531
I’m posting on Tiny Buddha because I’m at the lowest point in life and I have lost my faith in the Universe (I’m 24). I’m a spiritual person, but right now I am finding it hard to muster a belief in the guidance of the universe – although I do keep seeing spiritual numbers everyday. I’m spending my days struggling to see my own worth, depressed and not eating or washing properly. I want to cry but feel like I can’t. I want to grieve yet at the same time know that I need to let go of my depression in order to move on in life.
Here’s a brief back story. I grew up in an extremely psychologically abusive household. There was physical abuse too, but it was mainly psychological. It was just me and my sister, and we were witness to my mother having complete control over my father. She was controlling, had OCD and was extremely strict. She never liked leaving the house much and depended on him for everything. She was dependent on him, and looking back think she had depression and personality disorder. She would scream and shout at me and my sister for no reason, and when my Dad came home she would yell at him so he would end up slapping us and making us cry. It was a very sad household. Me and my sister never really knew what love was, and I grew up isolated from everyone with severe depression.
My sister was the oldest, and she got the brunt of the physical abuse. I bore witness to it. Our nan died when i was around 14. My sister was 18. My mum blamed my sister for everything and my sister had loads of breakdowns, drinking loads and got kicked out around that time. We lived in a small town so everyone heard of the crazy stories my sister did and would tease me about it at school. I grew up with anxiety because of this, and would often stay at home at the weekends when my parents were out, binge eat and then throw it back up. There was no way out for me.
When I was 18 my parents kicked me out as well. I squatted in Bristol with my then boyfriend of the time, before going to university.I went to uni and had a lot of problems with people, because I didn’t understand their sarcasm, and I hated people who would criticise small things. This is because, I finally had freedom, and I felt this was taken for granted by people my age. I was extremely honest and naive – this caused me a lot of problems making friends at uni and maintaining relationships. I had a lot of suicidal episodes and was using drugs as an escape. My behaviour was erratic. I also went through a lot of love interests/ boyfriends as an escape too, which is something I still do.
I was so lost, and when I was 20 I went to skanda vale, a multi faith ashram in search for solace, and in search of peace. This somewhat restored my faith in humanity for a while.
I didn’t talk to my parents for 5 years, until a situation happened where my father was forced to fly over to Amsterdam to collect me from a psychiatric hospital (long story). I hadn’t spoken to my sister either during that time as the thought of the entire family just hurt too much. I tried to have a relationship with my parents, but they continued to make judgemental comments, and it was too painful to have them in my life, and especially witnessing their relationship, which is loveless. Once again, I felt trapped.
Since university I have worked in a care home, a job that I loved. Although there was a senior member of staff who always made snide comments who i had a lot of bullying issues with. Last year I kept seeing 11:11 everywhere for months, throughout summer and into August. This is what got me in to spiritual numbers, It was a sign that something big was coming. I was seeing a guy in my hometown at the time, and things were going well. I allowed myself to fall in love with him and by luck I won tickets for him to come to the festival I was going to in Chicago. At first he wanted to come, but then later said he couldn’t as his band were playing a festival the same weekend. He told me that he didn’t give his love to just anyone, and we slow danced together.
He would get drunk and be extremely affectionate in public. However, I didn’t hear from him for a week. It was the day before I was due to go to Chicago, and he called me up and told me that he couldn’t deal with his emotions, and that he had taken acid and gone and tripped in a field. We spoke for an hour, and he said he still had feelings for this girl he previously liked – who in fact didn’t like him back. I told him that he should be responsible with how he makes people feel etc. But I was heartbroken.
I went to Chicago depressed and heartbroken, although I was still seeing 11:11 everywhere. Before I went to the festival i was couchsurfing with a guy, who I’ll call Jim. When I met Jim we were friends instantly: I told him about 11:11, and he got out his tarot cards. He was a very healthy, spiritual individual – and someone I knew I was meant to meet.
In my head I knew that when I was at the music festival and at the front for a particular band, that everything would be sorted and I’d hang out with the person I met at the front. That’s what I did, I got to the front for the band, and as I thought, I met a guy in the crowd – I’ll call him Clarence. He was selling molly, and instead I suggested that we have it and go around the festival together – we did and we had the best time of our lives. I stayed with him in Chicago for 3/4 days, which happened to be the most intense but most spiritual time of my life. This guy seemed to be a mirror of my soul. He was lonely, isolated, erratic behaviour, punk, anarchist etc. We were so similar and in to the same things, although he does have a lot of issues.
On one of the days I went to go the festival alone whilst he stayed at home. I went there but felt anxious and left the festival and started walking in a random direction. I stopped by a sign in a neighbourhood that said “Hope & Faith”, and I refused to talk to anyone. I felt so stupid, and I felt like my brain wasn’t working. I got a woman in a nearby shop to call the guy I was staying with. He came and picked me up, and I confessed to him that I felt worthless and that I wanted to die. He said he would look after me, and so we went back to his flat.
He had sprayed the walls with my name everywhere. And confessed how he wanted to look after me and for it to be me and him. I was overwhelmed because everything was so random. But we stayed in the flat together. I felt safer with him, and felt more like myself and said I wanted to stay in Chicago. We were looking up ways that I could stay and as a joke he said one way would be if I married him. I laughed but then said yes let’s do it.
We went to the marriage court the next day and got a marriage license. But you have to wait 24 hours to get married. We went back to the flat and continued doing drugs and talking about philosophy/ spirituality etc. Although I did too much and ended up having a breakdown. I’m a spiritual person and I kept talking about the big stuff and challenging him on life, and morals and stuff when he just wanted to have a good time. It was weird, but I felt as though I was acting from a place that I needed to act at the time because I was challenging his behaviour. I kept doing tarot cards over and over again because I needed to know our future, if we were going to stay together or not. We decided that our love was stronger than fate, and ended up burning the cards in the garden, cutting our hands open and bleeding together over them. I felt that we owned the universe, and I felt that he was my soul mate and we were the only thing that mattered. He was my 11:11.
I had a breakdown that night and my mind couldn’t stop thinking in rhymes. I kept writing loads of poetry, whilst he didn’t know what to do. He wanted me to come to bed but I needed space. It’s weird, it’s like we were already married.
I stayed up all night and in the morning didn’t know what to do. We both weren’t talking, and he asked me if I was the Angel of Death. (Which I felt like). He had to go to uni and we still weren’t talking. I was wrapped in a duvet on his floor, unable to do anything. I wanted to reach out and touch him. He was sat to the right of me, on a chair, I remember I could see his leg. But I just couldn’t. He left, and I messaged my girl friends and they said that I should leave asap.
I packed up my stuff and left. It was so hot in Chicago and I remember being lost and thinking, what is my life?? I nearly married a coke addict. I got on a bus and was nearly feinting from all the drugs. Luckily I was in contact with Jim who agreed to meet me. He got off work, and let me stay in his flat again. He let me sleep and sweat the drugs out, fed me well and surrounded me with health. I stayed with him the rest of my time in Chicago, recuperating and coming to terms with the whole thing. I spoke with Clarence on the phone and he said the feelings were real and it wasn’t the drugs. We remained in contact via messages briefly, but we didn’t meet up again. Part of me was longing for him to message me and say that he wanted to go and get married, and I would’ve. Even up until when I got on the plane I was wishing that he was going to come along and say don’t go, let’s get married and I would’ve – I threw it up to the universe, and if the universe willed it then I was going to do it. I’m such an empathetic person and I felt like I knew him, I felt like I really trusted him.
I spoke with him during my flights back to England, and he said he loved me, and we stayed in a long distance relationship. It was hard because I had to deal with a lot of messages from him when he was on coke, telling me how much he loved me, and how I was the one. He was obsessed with me and was doing his projects on me at uni. I tried to maintain what we had, but there were times when he had too much to drink and showed a darker side: he shouted at me for wearing makeup and on a couple occasions expressed his hatred for trans people. I forgave him because he said he didn’t mean it, and we made communication rules.
This was around December now. Things at work had continued with the bully. It was the work xmas do and I ended up drinking a lot of wine, and standing up to her. She left early. When i went home i continued drinking and talking to Clarence. It was a bad time. The next night I felt suicidal and reached out/ lashed out at Clarence, and asked him what he saw in the mirror. I bombarded him with messages, and he blocked me. He was supposed to be visiting me over xmas, but i never heard from him again.
Since then I’ve been off work and coming to terms with the relationship/ what actually happened, and trying to find the purpose in my life. I think it’s likely that I have borderline personality disorder like my sister does and I’m waiting for a diagnosis. In terms of Clarence, I can’t help but think of the 11:11 signs the universe was showing me, and how much the darkness and light of his soul reflected the darkness and light in mine. I remember how I felt in Chicago of the thought of not seeing him again and it hurt so much. I guess I am dealing with that feeling now, but about not having closure.
I’m not sure if I can go back to the same job or not, or whether its best for me to get out of the city were I’m living now and start again in the neighbouring city. All of this has made me realise that I need to live life for me and create a life that I don’t want to escape from.
I’d like to hear people’s thoughts on this – the relevance of him in my life, and how to get over something so spiritually massive and intense.
ThanksFebruary 3, 2018 at 10:52 pm #190553
I believe in spiritual signs such as 11:11 but also know that it is not the be all, end all of the final destination. Clarence was/is probably a stepping stone for you for further realization and growth. He is not your final stop/relationship. I cannot pretend to know why he showed up in your life but from the sounds of him, he is not a healthy person to be in your life anymore.
My guess is that you got more validation that you are worthy and that there are others who you can relate to who are spiritually struggling. Perhaps right now you don’t need guidance from the Universe but just time to heal. That maybe all the guidance you need for now.
I am sorry that you are struggling so and depressed. We are here for you in spirit and on this website Cat. It’s a day-by-day thing to live. I am sure there will be others here on this site who will give you more concrete support in helping with your depression and sense of worthiness. Right now Cat, I am sending you a hug and love.
MarkFebruary 4, 2018 at 7:16 am #190603
Thanks for the speedy reply. I believe in 11:11 too: I got a tattoo of it on my wrist in Chicago (before I met Clarence). I am definitely a free spirit but sometimes this means that I can follow down the wrong path because I believe the universe can send us people we are meant to be with or learn from. I feel that most of my life I have been running away from making decisions and putting it up to the universe and following signs, rather than using my own sense of judgement. The only haunting thing about Clarence was how much empathy I felt for his own pain and suffering – I’m a highly empathetic person and sometimes I feel this calling to help people or make them see the best in themselves. It was a catch 22, because as much as I showed him the best parts of himself, it was still damaging for me. Sometimes I am still haunted by the thought of him in Chicago and whatever he is doing/ his suffering, but I guess this is something that will gradually fade out.
This has been a pattern for many of my relationships: I tend to see the fullness of another person before I see myself, and this is something that I really need to focus and work on. I have dreams and goals and a desire to make a better life for myself here in England and surround myself with good people. When I got back to England, I threw myself into putting on gigs and performing and doing promotion stuff – however because of my behavioural/mental issues, there’s been hardships within that too, and so now I just feel like allowing myself to not do anything.
I’ve spent the past couple days just resting, sleeping, watching films etc. And allowing myself to feel upset. I wanted to allow myself to do this so I could finally release all the grief I have in my heart, and be ready for the next steps in life. I had the idea to post my story up on tiny buddha last night as a final honest release, in the hope that other like-minded people would be able to give me more of an idea of the meaning behind it all, and how I can become a stronger person. If you have any advice on how to heal/grow/learn properly and become stronger then that would be much appreciated.
Thank you for your reply,
CatFebruary 4, 2018 at 7:42 am #190609
I used to believe in numbers too, but not because I was spiritual, but because I was desperate. Today’s date would have meant something to me in the past: 2-4-2018. Two times four is eight, 2, 4, 8. And then, there were many dates and many repetition of digits, many combinations. I was desperate, I needed hope, hope that today, because of the numbers in the date, today will be different. Today I will be okay.
I now see a lot of random, random that I used to put together as if there was meaning in it. Lots and lots of random.
You asked for other people’s thoughts about the relevance of Clarence in your life. I see the two of you as two individual struggling, coming together and then separating, you are still struggling. He is probably struggling too.
The yelling of your mother, yelling at you.. and for no reason, that is definitely enough to originate that struggle I mentioned. A child is simply not equipped to handle yelling very well, to handle aggression. It starts a cascade of trouble that keeps going and going until healing takes place.
I am familiar with such yelling. I still hear it at times. And then I listen and try to hear nothing at all.
anitaFebruary 4, 2018 at 8:35 am #190623
Thanks for the reply. Yes you’re right – I look to the numbers because I am desperate for hope, and desperate that everything that has happened has been for a reason, and that my life has meaning. It’s silly, I don’t really eat properly or focus on food at all so I replace it with other distractions. I guess numbers is one of them when deep down I know that what I need to do is focus on me and my body. I think Clarence was also another distraction from this, and losing him has meant that I really do need to create a life that I’m not trying to escape from.
Yes, sometimes I hear the yelling and shouting when I try and sleep. It’s engrained in my memory and sometimes I hear the insults over and over. How does healing happen?
CatFebruary 4, 2018 at 8:57 am #190625
The yelling and the insults are engrained in my memory as well. That’s what our brain does, it records and remembers. Healing happens in nature, it happens to trees that get injured. Automatically, without the trees intending to heal or directing the process of healing. That same process is available for us humans as well. Problem is we often stand in its way, chasing short cuts, reading this and that and trying what doesn’t work. Then starting what does work but giving up when distressed.
Healing for me has been getting out of my way best I can, availing myself to nature healing me (a relief as I don’t have to… invent healing, it is there already, a greater force than what I am capable to bring about). It takes a long time, lots of persistence, a whole lots of patience through distress. It is about learning, adding new things for the brain to record, and slowly quiet down the yelling, replace the insults with truth.
anitaFebruary 4, 2018 at 9:20 am #190629
Give yourself credit for your awareness of your patterns. Being mindful of what they are is highly useful in changing your behavior. Also give yourself credit that you are healing and becoming stronger in every time you have took time to rest, heal, feel upset, etc. Plus you do have dreams and goals so that is another plus.
I concur with anita on how this process takes persistence and patience. We are here for you. Plus you said you want to surround yourself with supportive people. Remember that for there are people who want to help you. Let them rather than you expending energy to help others who are unhealthy for you.
MarkFebruary 4, 2018 at 11:20 am #190641
I realise now that a lot of the time, I chase the validation of others for my own healing, which always fails to work of course. I realise this because since being back in England, to deal with everything I put all my energy into putting on gigs and tried to start up a band myself. Because I was so quick to use this as escapism, it means I allowed myself to be associating with people who weren’t good for me. There was a guy who was going to drum in my band but I found out later he was doing it because he liked me and was in fact really creepy. He just dropped all my amps back now, and I didn’t give him much energy at all. It felt liberating to know that I am moving away from the people in my life who aren’t in it for my best interests, and moving towards people who are genuine, kind and have honest intentions.
I think for me, healing is to start protecting my energy and to stop letting in people who won’t respect me or understand me etc. For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me. I’ve allowed myself to be open and vulnerable to a lot of people. Now I realise, I am my own book and only I need to understand and accept myself, and surround myself with other books who are on my wavelength.
You’re right – I felt better today after posting on here, and knowing that I’m allowing myself to grow and move forward from this. I’ve been searching for the answers in the angel numbers and tarot cards, but when I posted on here last night it felt uplifting – because I knew that the right people were going to hear this story, and help me a long my journey – I needed to connect and share it with other people who understand spirituality and faith.
I think far too often I have been looking for answers from people who aren’t spiritual or have a faith, and so they can tell me what I want to hear, and then talk about me behind my back because they don’t understand my spirituality/ faith. If you read what I wrote to Anita – I have done this far too many times and allowed myself to be far too open to people who aren’t good for me. I’m glad I have the tiny buddha forums now because that has given me an outlet for my emotions in the right space.
CatFebruary 4, 2018 at 11:40 am #190643
Cat, It sounds like you are becoming more discerning and discriminating in choosing the people who you let into your life. That is good in trusting yourself like that.
By the way, are you a musician? have a band? Is that part of your dreams and goals?
MarkFebruary 4, 2018 at 1:32 pm #190667
Yes I am… I’ve been surrounded by the wrong kind of people for far too long(!!) I currently live in a houseshare where my other housemate who lives below is also a coke addict, and her and her friend stay downstairs and complain alot. It is testing to say the least as I can hear them from my room. I am currently looking to move out.
And yes, I play/ am learning guitar. I would like a band – this is one of my dreams and goals, along with starting a new happy life in Bristol.
CatFebruary 4, 2018 at 1:59 pm #190675
With regrades to Faith. Fear is to courage as doubt is to Faith. It is in time of doubt that we lean on faith (and often discover it)
Certainty does not require Faith. You have/had faith in the universe guidance yet do not fully embrace the reality that life is constant change and that we become conscious after experiencing the tensions between opposites.
February 4, 2018 at 3:40 pm #190691
- This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Peter.
I disagree, some parts of life aren’t constant change – such as relationships that stay together? Or would you say that within those relationships, there is always constant change? People also stay in the same jobs and live in the same houses too…..So not all life is constant change. If life was constant change, then we’d be living in times without mortgages, or set jobs, there would be no persistence and things being built. So life is not constant change, life is also persistence.
CatFebruary 4, 2018 at 5:58 pm #190705
Perhaps its a matter of semantics and perceptive – how we direct consciousness
From your perspective (a focus that discounts the experience of the moment) I might say Life does not change. We are born we die… that does not change
Yet so much can happen in between life and death… From another perspective our body literally change with each breath we take. Every breath a birth and a death. (Every breath containing the past, present and future.)
After each cycle of life and death after each cycle of spring turning to summer, turning to fall, turning to winter… The thing we call ‘I’, family, relationship, society, history changes… What has stayed the same?
You are not the same person you were as a child, you are no the same person that wrote the initial post.
Change happens slowly then all at once – we tend not to notice all the little changes until we do. There is constant change and as we change our experience of relationship changes, our experience of our job changes….
Life/Universe demands growth it cannot survive stagnation and much of that growth comes through the grace of pain. That is Life as it is.
“Every things changes and stays the same.” 🙂February 4, 2018 at 6:50 pm #190707
First could I ask that you write the messages properly on here – with an address to me and sign off from yourself? Just because this is the most personal post I’ve ever posted online, and therefore I think it needs to be dealt with with consideration and respect, especially towards me as I’m the person really bearing my soul here and reaching out. I have found the other messages and advice I have been given really sensitive and considerate, but I am finding yours less so. I know you mean well, but it’s not okay to try and explain someone else’s faith to them, or what someone must do in order to be conscious – the universe is large, and we all have our own experiences, truths and faiths and levels of consciousness that we believe to be true, and that uniqueness in experience should be respected.
I don’t feel that my perspective does discount the experience of the moment – as I’m very much aware of where I am in the present moment, and the factors that have led me to this point. Am I dictated by my mind/ memories? Probably. But I am right in saying that some people don’t change – like my parents – they stayed the same….And tried their hardest too. What is your opinion on people who do this?
I understand what you mean about pain: it happens slowly and over time. Yes, you’re right. I do believe that I would not of grown if it hadn’t been for this break up. I wouldn’t of faced the areas of my life that I needed to change/ grow in if it wasn’t for this break up, so maybe that is a lesson from the universe.
Thanks for your wisdom, it is helping.
CatFebruary 4, 2018 at 8:29 pm #190711
Hi first time I’ve ever posted on one of these but Iam just in such a low and I do not know why I have a beautiful fiancé and a baby boy coming in March my life has not been easy I struggle with addiction and it’s been a problem since I was a teen I’m (23) I have a good job lots of loving family but I feel empty inside I never feel satisfied with anything I do not know why I do have bipolar depression and ptsd but that’s not it it’s like there a giant hole in my chest and I’m going insane I never feel like I did enough in the day I never achieved what I truly wanted I just want to know what pure happiness feels like just need a little Advice from and outside perspective