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    Dear  Cat:

    In your note to me you wrote: “healing  is to start protecting my energy and to stop letting in people who won’t respect me or understand me etc. For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me… Now I realise, I am my own book…. and surround myself with other books who are on my wavelength”-

    Later on, here on your thread, you asserted yourself with a member and did it very well, if I may say so.  You practiced here what you wrote (quote). The more you practice this in any circumstance of your life, be it on your thread here, in your home, anywhere, the better your well-being.

    I used to look at about just anyone as a  potential savior, the one to pick me up from my despair. Oh, how much more despair it was when I was… picked up by the wrong  people. It is so very  important to  be selective, to evaluate a person before becoming vulnerable to that person.



    Sorry Cat

    My intention wasn’t to explain your faith and suspected after I posted I was off the mark.

    I noted your struggle in the initial post with the ‘loss of faith’ and know what a difficult and confusion time that can be. For my own experience I found that much of my suffering with regards to faith came from the quilt I felt for having doubt. It was only after a lot of struggle that I learned that doubt and uncertainty are important attributes of Faith.  I have faith in Life as it is and that it always presents the possibility of change within each moment.  I feel that as a good thing even though change does not always go the way I hope – usually as my ego hoped.

    Thanks for pushing back




    Thanks for commenting on this post and sharing your story. Please could you start your own post on one of the forums and share your story there? This means that members will be specifically replying to your situation, as this thread is about what’s happening in my life at the moment. I would try and give advice, but at the moment I myself am at a very confusing crossroads time and therefore seeking advice on here. Thank you.


    Thank you for saying that. I think especially now I really need to start making choices that I know will better my life. I do need some practical advice from others, as at the moment I am just staying in bed all day trying to find motivation to carry out my goals, even doing small things like going to the shops to buy food. Part of the reason I feel so trapped is because I have an inconsiderate housemate (who I mentioned before) who keeps me awake until 4 in the morning, and therefore it means I sleep through my alarm and sleep to the afternoon. I really want to try and wake up earlier, and put steps towards my goals. I really need genuine advice and support to do this. I’ve been putting on gigs, but still that’s me doing things for other people and not putting myself first. Lots of bands are messaging me but I can’t find the energy to reply as I really don’t know what my next step is. I want to move to a different house, yet at the same time because of my current living situation I feel really unmotivated so it’s like a catch 22. I really need to break free from this cycle.

    These are the things that I am thinking about:

    1. I’m not sure if I should stay here and work on getting healthier before moving, or try and move asap so I am out of this situation.

    2. I’m not sure if I should try and go back to my current work where I am unhappy, and try and be healthy there, and then save money to move to Bristol, or if I should move to Bristol and find a job there.

    3. I’m not sure if I should put this gig on in March, as it would make me look good as a promoter, but at the same time I need to sort my life out and focus on where I want to be instead of focusing on bands.

    I’ve been thinking about these questions for over a week, looking at Angel Numbers, tarot cards etc. And I still can’t see a way out due to financial stress.

    Any advice is really appreciated. Please feel free to see what I have written to Peter and reply to that too.


    No worries, thanks for listening to what I had to say and thanks for seeing things from my perspective, and labelling the message 🙂 I do appreciate your views on faith, doubt, change etc. And I do agree with you – I do need to accept change. At the moment life has pushed me to a place where I really do need to make a change and start living for me, instead of resisting change and hiding away in my room depressed and unmotivated. Please could you read what I wrote to Anita, and give me some practical advice about those situations too?!

    I think at the moment I am scared….. I am scared to sort out my bedroom and sell things and look at old photos and notes etc. because doing so means I have to face all those emotions that I have felt in the past. Like I have to confront the person I was and what I have been through and it all isn’t nice. Therefore I don’t look at it because it reminds me of family, parents, old friends etc and all of it is just emotional overload. Even waking up and stepping outside and going in to town…..It’s almost like I feel guilty for simply living my life or being confident or free because my parents never had that freedom, and deep down my soul thinks, well if they can’t have it, why should I? They always said I was so lucky to have the things I did and looked sad because they didn’t have it and made me feel guilty 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 It’s bad because of that guilt I feel, and because they made me feel sorry for them so much, it’s like when I’m presented with the unknown I refuse to take it because in the back of my mind I feel so sorry for my parents not having these opportunities – yet at the same time it’s their own abusive behaviour that has held them back from that. I guess deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight is on my shoulders.

    I feel guilty for taking steps towards my own self-care/ self-love/ putting myself first because my parents never did and never could, and never taught me how to. I can’t remember one time as a child or growing up where I was just allowed to be happy or at peace as everything me and my sister did was wrong, and so I find it really hard to find peace and happiness in the present, without being hard on myself. It makes me want to cry so much. I’ve been to therapy but I couldn’t talk about it because the feeling is so indescribable, it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life etc. It’s the worst feeling in the world.


    • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cat.

    Yes our upbringing does set the template of how we believe, think and live.  It is a challenge, a struggle to break those patterns and reprogram our neural pathways to change to other ways of living/thinking/believing.

    Step-by-step, living consciously and mindfully and lovingly to change dear Cat.  You don’t have to do it all at once right now.

    It sounds like your living situation is not healthy.  Getting good sleep is the foundation for health.  Your roommate is preventing you from that first step of good health and changing your life for the better.

    If you don’t have the inner resources and health then it will tremendously more difficult to make life decisions and take action.

    Start with getting to a situation/place where you can get good rest.



    Dear Cat:

    You are welcome and thank you for being assertive a second time. It is a delight for me to witness this very important skill done so well.


    I too lived with a heavy duty drug addict as a roommate, for a long, long time. Unfortunately, no amount of assertiveness can help in that situation, only one solution and that is to move out, live separately from such individuals. I remember nights I couldn’t sleep as my then heroin/ cocaine/ anything one can swallow, snort or inject roommate was running in place, opening and closing drawers, etc., all night long.  After one such night I had a car accident that could have been fatal. A few broken ribs, a concussion, a totaled (uninsured) car.

    My advice: consider your situation as dangerous, as it does indeed increase your chances to get into accidents because of inattentiveness and exhaustion. Put all the energy you can muster into moving out ASAP. All other goals, put on hold. Regarding #1, I don’t think you can heal living where you are. #2- perhaps move to Bristol ASAP, find a livable living situation first (ex., room for rent in an older, quiet person’s house), , then look for a job, then if you need to, move to a more fitting-to you living situation. #3- I wouldn’t attend to a March gig plan, but focus on #1 instead.

    You wrote this later in your recent post: “It’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under (your parents’) pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life etc. It’s the worst feeling in the world”- I can relate, very much. I literally made a verbal contract with myself one day after one of my mother’s explosions of misery and pain. I said to myself: I do not deserve to live my life and will not attend to my life until I fix hers, until I make her happy.

    I remained true to my contract until seven years ago when I started my first quality psychotherapy and in doing so, started my still ongoing healing process. A few years ago I finally cut all contact with my mother. Felt guilty long afterward. No longer.





    Dear Mark,

    Definitely. I have lived most of my life believing that my thoughts/ actions/ opinions are wrong, and therefore I have lived so long hiding away with anxiety and depression, and finding myself just falling in to situations. Even having the confidence to get out of bed is a big thing for me – especially in this house where I know I am judged. And because I tend to get to sleep around 4am, due to the unsettled living environment. I had a really good day yesterday (I will explain why in my message to Anita below) – and it made me realise once again, who I am and what I stand for, and why the world does need someone like me.

    At the moment I am on anti-depressants, and I will be talking to the bank this week to see what I can do financially for the next couple of months to get me out of this house, and town. The town that I live in is very conservative, and I often get judged and labelled as “trouble” just for standing up for myself. It’s very behind with the times and I do often get judged for a) having an opinion and b) for how I look. I’m going to have a bit of faith in the Universe, as I’m aware now that this town. house, job does not make me happy, and have faith that I will soon be moving to a place that accepts me for who I am and that I am happy in – like Bristol.

    I took some time out last night/ today to watch ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’. This evening I am going to be emailing potential houses….. Thank you for your support – above everything happening right now, it has been the thought of the tiny buddha community and feedback on this post that has really given me that strength and hope and sense of understanding that I need.

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for being supportive of my assertiveness 🙂 From a young age I was taught to remain quiet, that having an opinion is wrong, and that having my own thoughts and identity was a bad thing. I came from a heavily sexist household, and so I was never really taught to be proud to be a woman, or that it was okay to be a woman and have an opinion (it’s crazy I know). I think that’s why nowadays I don’t put up with any sort of belittlement/ patronising from anyone, because my childhood was wasted living in fear and anxiety – and that’s something I’ll never get back…. So when I do manage to make it in to town, I do assert myself and speak back if I’m spoken to in a disrespectful way, because if I didn’t I think it would send the message that it’s okay to talk to people like that.

    I went in to town yesterday, and funnily enough I had a testing situation in a charity shop – presenting me with this exact situation. I actually got labelled as “trouble” for asserting myself, and I think you’ll find this interesting.
    Here is what happened:

    One of the few times I head in to town (because a lot of the time I stay at home with depression and anxiety), to put up some gig posters. I went in to a charity shop (who still had my old poster up from before). It went like this:

    Me: “Hey, is it okay to put my gig poster up in here please? My old one’s still in the window”.
    Woman on till: “Yes sure, so you already know that it’s 50p to put up a poster”.
    (I didn’t know this as before the woman let me put it up for free, so I just replied honestly).
    Me: “Oh I didn’t know that, as last time the woman let me put it up for free”.
    Woman on till: “Yes, it’s 50p, as most places charge to put it up”.
    (Again, I wasn’t saying that I wasn’t going to pay the 50p, I just know that other places in town don’t charge so I replied honestly).
    Me: “Oh really? Most of the cafe’s let me put it up for free”.
    (I was starting a general conversation, I never said I wasn’t going to pay the 50p).

    There was a girl in the shop, who I’ve previously encountered at one of my gigs, who tried to close the door of the venue (and therefore would make me lose potential people), because “not everyone wants to hear that”. Although I reminded her that I was paying £80 for the venue, and it wasn’t 11pm yet so the door should stay open. (The door stayed open).

    This girl was in the shop and made a passive snide remark (she was trying to be very belittling):
    “It’s just 50p, it’s a tiny little charity!”

    Me: “Of course I’ll pay the 50p, I was only asking”.

    *I pay the 50p*

    Women on till: “Would you like to put it up or should I?”
    Me: “You can do it if you want, thanks”.

    Before I left I went up to the girl and said:
    “Excuse me, but next time can you mind your own business”.

    Then there was outrage.

    Women on till: “You know what, I’m not putting your poster up, you’re trouble. You’re stroppy”.
    Me: “Why? Because I stand up for myself?”

    *I take the poster back”

    Women on till: *continues calling me names*, “You can have your 50p back”.

    Me: “Keep your fucking 50p”.


    At first I worried about this and phoned my friend Emily – she told me that I shouldn’t worry about what I think, and because I’m a young punk girl who is trying to create a music scene in a conservative town – I’m always going to have people who don’t like that. I posted this story on facebook, and one of my friends and my sister, said that is was probably a combination of being assertive, but also because of my appearance – green hair, face piercings etc. They said that some people do just see outspoken alternative people and see them as “trouble” which isn’t fair.

    When I was at home last night, I felt the most self-love that I have felt in a while. Why?? Because after that girl had tried to belittle me, my heart was saying “Before you leave, stand up to her”. It was a test, and I knew I had to do it. If I hadn’t of stood up to her, I would of walked away, scared, intimidated by her and probably walking home with depression and anxiety. It was scary but I’m glad that I did and I’m glad that I stood up for myself, even though there was backlash against me. The choice was between standing up for myself, or being allowed to be made to feel small, and I will always stand up for myself, even if that gives me a bad reputation amongst people who don’t understand me.

    Thank you for your advice on the living situation. You are right, it is dangerous and it has been affecting me for months. It’s one of the reasons why I cannot work at the moment, as I was going to work in this very low energy state which wasn’t good. I am going to the bank this week to talk with them and see if they can help me get out of this situation. Fingers crossed they will be able to help, I am emailing potential houses tonight.

    Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I knew that people on tiny buddha would have similar experiences to me, as I have found throughout my life that a lot of people who are spiritual or religious, are so because of the experiences that they have had in their lives, which has pushed them to seek for answers. My parents are a massive reason why I searched long and hard for my faith, and so for that I am grateful.

    I relate so much – and I know the feeling of that heavy burden… How did you overcome it? Was it simply giving it time? I can imagine overcoming something like that would be like removing the grey skies and seeing the sun again.




    Dear Cat:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. I hope it goes well with the bank and that you will be out of that house as soon as possible.

    Regarding the interaction you described: without reading your comments in parenthesis, just reading what was said:

    You: “Hey, is it okay to put my gig poster…

    Woman on till: “Yes, sure…

    You: “Oh I didn’t know that, as last time the woman let me put it up for free”

    Woman on till: “Yes, it’s 50p…”

    You: Oh really? Most of the cafes let me put it up for free”

    * At this point, although you didn’t intend to argue, it reads like you are. Again, your intent aside, it reads reasonable for me that the someone hearing the exchange is assuming you started an argument, not a loud one, not in a tone of aggression (I figure that because you didn’t intend to argue), but an argument nonetheless.

    The girl: “It’s just 50p, it’s a tiny little charity!” and that’s where the aggression starts.

    I would say (again, I understand the lack of intent on your part) that you started an argument non aggressively and the girl reacted aggressively.

    I like your determination to “always stand up for (yourself)”.

    There is more to your post I want to reply to, including a question you asked me, but need to read from you first what you think/ feel about my response so far, here?



    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your speedy response. I can see how it was interpreted that way, and also read that way. A few years ago I would of said yes, actually I was wrong to question it…..But in all totality of the universe, what is wrong with asking a question?

    My questioning was actually quite child-like and out of a place of curiosity rather than a place of defence. I think too many people are quick to see others as being defensive or attacking, whereas sometimes it is just people, like myself being open-minded enough to share my previous experiences with the woman in the shop. My aim was to strike up conversation about it, as I was genuinely interested as to why they do charge 50p – as I’ve never heard of that before.

    If you read it, I never explicitly said that I was against the idea of paying the 50p, I simply asked a question. And when I say about me putting it up in other cafe’s etc. I’m merely sharing my experience…. The same way a child would, if they were told to go to bed at 8pm, but the previous night were allowed to stay up until 11. The child would say “But I was allowed to stay up until 11 last night?” – coming from a place where they are trying to understand the inconsistencies… The aim for me was to start up a conversation about what shops do charge and what shops don’t, purely from a place of curiosity.

    If other people wish to see me and interpret me as aggressive for questioning out of curiosity,being honest to the woman and saying that cafe’s don’t charge, and then standing up for myself against a girl who’s instantly assumed my intentions and feels entitled to then passively try and belittle me – then I’m completely fine with that 🙂 I walk away knowing my true intentions and who I am as a person, and they are left with their misconceptions of me in their minds.

    Unfortunately it happens to me a lot – I am just honest and people take that as they will – some get me and others don’t. At the end of the day I’d rather be honest and misunderstood/ seen as controversial than not be honest, be careful of what I say and in turn remain anxious and paranoid what people think all the time.



    Dear Cat:

    I would like to come back to your thread first thing tomorrow morning, with a fresh brain. I am not focused enough at the moment. Will be back in about sixteen hours. Take good care of yourself.



    Hi Anita,

    Sure thing – also, you posted that last post at exactly 11:11 :O !!



    I never noticed before but are the posts timestamped with local time?

    It’s almost 2:30 pm local here in Portland.  It shows 1:30 pm for you Cat.  Are you in Alaska?


    Dear Cat:

    This is amazing, 11:11, that is incredible. What are the chances… unbelievable, fascinating. I woke up this very early morning thinking about going to your thread first thing, first, as in 1, and there it is 11:11, yesterday’s posting. I don’t know what to make of it. I know of statistical chances, believe in science and statistics, but this here is making me wonder.

    What follows are quotes from your shares, I don’t copy and paste but retype your shares. That helps me absorb and process information. Following this post, a second one will include my input.

    “I’m 24…struggling to see my own worth, depressed… It was just me and my sister… my mother having complete control over my father… controlling… She would scream and shout at me and my sister for no reason… she would yell at (father) so he would end up slapping us… It was a very sad household…would often stay at home at weekends … binge eat and then throw it back up. There was no way out for me.

    When I was 18… I squatted in Bristol.. went to uni and had a lot of problems with people… and I hated people who would criticize small things… I was extremely honest and naïve- this caused me a lot of problems making friends and maintaining relationships. I had a lot of suicidal episodes and was using drugs…I also went through a lot of love interests/ boyfriends…I still do.

    I didn’t talk to my parents for 5 years… I tried to have a relationship with my parents, but they continued to make judgmental comments, and it was too painful to have them in my life… Last year I kept seeing 11:11 everywhere for months… It was a sign that something big was coming…

    I got to the front for the band, and as I thought, I met a guy in the crowd… I stayed with him in Chicago for 2/4 days.. He was lonely, isolated, erratic behavior, punk, anarchist etc. We were so similar…

    On one of the days I … felt anxious and left the festival and started walking in a random direction… I felt like my brain wasn’t working… I confessed to him that I felt worthless and that I wanted to die. He said he would look after me, and so we went back to his flat… we stayed in the flat together. I felt safer with him… he said one way (to stay) would be if I married him. I laughed but then said yes let’s do it…

    I kept doing tarot cards over and over again because I needed to know our future, if we were going to stay together or not…I felt that he was my soul mate and we were the only things that mattered. He was my 11:11.

    … I packed up my stuff and left…I stayed with (Jim) the rest of my time in Chicago… Even up until I got on the plane I was wishing that (Clarence) was going to come along and say don’t go, let’s get married and I would’ve- I threw it up to the universe, and if the universe willed it then I was going to do it…

    All this has made me realise that I need to live life for me and create a life that I don’t want to escape from…

    I believe in 11:11 too: I got a tattoo of it on my wrist in Chicago… I am definitely a free spirit but sometimes this means that I can follow down the wrong path… I feel that most of my life I have been running away from making decisions and putting it up to the universe and following signs, rather than using my own sense of judgment…

    I look to the numbers because I am desperate for hope, and desperate that everything that has happened has been for a reason and that my life has meaning…

    since being back in England… I put all my energy into putting on gigs and tried to start up a band myself… I allowed myself to be associated with people who weren’t good for me… I am moving away from people in my life who aren’t in it for my best interests, and moving towards people who are genuine, kind and have honest intentions…

    For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me. I’ve allowed myself to be open and vulnerable to a lot of people…

    When I posted on here last night it felt uplifting- because I knew that the right people were going to hear this story, and help me along my journey… I think far too often I have been looking for answers from people who aren’t spiritual or have faith…

    I’ve been surrounded by the wrong kind of people for far too long (!!!) I currently live in a houseshare where my other housemate who lives below is a coke addict… I can hear them from my room. I am currently looking to move out… I would like a band- this is one of my dreams and goals, along with starting a new happy life in Bristol…

    I am scared… to face all those emotions that I have felt in the past… emotional overload… It’s almost like I feel guilty for simply living my life or being confident or free because my parents never had that freedom.. if they can’t have it, why should I? They always said I was so lucky to have the things I did and looked sad because they didn’t have it and made me feel guilty… I feel so sorry for my parents not having these opportunities.. deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight on my shoulders… I can’t remember one time as a child or growing up where I was just allowed to be happy or at peace as everything (I) did was wrong… it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life etc. It’s the worst feeling in the world…

    I have lived most of my life believing that my thoughts/ actions/ opinions are wrong… finding myself just falling in to situations…

    I often get judged and labelled as ‘trouble’ just for standing up for myself…I’m going to have a bit of faith in the Universe, as I’m aware now that this town, house, jo does not make me happy, and have faith that I will soon be moving to a place that accepts me for who I am and that I am happy in- like Bristol…

    From a young age I was taught to remain quiet, that having an opinion is wrong, and that having my own thoughts and identity was a bad thing… that’s why nowadays I don’t put up with any sort of belittlement/ patronizing from anyone… I do assert myself and speak back if I’m spoken to in a disrespectful way.”






    Dear Cat:

    It is uncommon for me to communicate with a person whose life was or is so similar to the way my life has been, letting random people and situations take us to where they may. Looking back, I realize that any person and any situation seemed attractive to me compared to the only situation I knew: the misery living with my mother.

    So I went for the better option, the better of the two I knew. Random. I didn’t know a third option. The third option is what my healing process has been about, 2011- present time (there is that 11)

    I have plenty of thoughts and feelings about your sharing, lots of my life experiences that came up as I typed the above post. If we continue to communicate, if you are willing, I will share those, over time.

    You have placed your trust and faith in random people, Clarence was one. You placed your trust somewhat in that woman in the charity shop, and they failed you. I don’t want to be yet another random person to fail you. I do have 11:11 attached to me now, but Clarence had that too, didn’t he. And he failed you.

    When I put my trust in random people, looking up to them, hoping, wishing  that they pick me up from my misery, that they save me, when they didn’t- and they didn’t- I got angry. I don’t want this to be the result of our communication.

    To minimize the chances of that happening, I will start with letting you know my basic beliefs about what you referred to as the Universe. I don’t believe there is an entity in our lives, be it what people refer to as god or universe, that cares about our individual well being, having empathy for us,  sending us messages so to guide us for a more pleasant life experience.

    I don’t believe the common saying that everything happens for a reason. Not at all. I believe that there is no god/ universe orchestrating events in our lives ahead of them happening, for a reason, so to teach us, to guide us. Lots and lots is random. Lives are wasted in random, for no reason, no reason at all.

    Even though this website has the word buddha in it, and I am a member here, I am not a buddhist. I believe in the major principles of Buddhism as I learned about it in therapy and in reading books and such, in the past. One such principle is that of seeing more and more of what reality is, peeling off delusions, that is, false beliefs.

    There may be a meaning to 11:11 but I don’t know what it is. I know, I believe, what it is not. There is a lot that I don’t know and will never know. But I do know more and more every day.

    And now, I will let you decide if you want to communicate with me further, your choice.






    Dear Mark,

    Yes they are!! I noticed it from the start and realised that you were in a different country! I’m actually in England, so the time now is 4.28pm. So I’m 8 hours ahead 🙂

    Dear Anita,

    I must point again – that one of your last posts – you posted at exactly 333!!!!!! One of the Master Numbers of the Universe 🙂 It’s not a coincidence – maybe the Universe is trying to speak to YOU here, and show you that it is listening 🙂

    Thank you for devoting so much time to think about my post and give me such in-depth feedback. I am trying to get through my tick lists each day, but also taking time to rest and heal and not put pressure on myself. When I feel scared or I feel in doubt, I come back to this thread, and write my feelings out on here and the current situation I find myself in… Knowing that someone else knows that same feeling of total despair, loss and lack of faith/ hope in all life – knowing that someone can emphasise and understand that and have overcome it too is all I’ve ever needed. A lot of therapists, friends etc. have never quite been able to understand just how monumental and soul destroying, confidence destroying the journey has been for me – so I am so so grateful to have found this forum.

    Reading back the quotes that I wrote is painful. It reminds me of how I felt at the time and the person that I was when all those things happened. When I was young it was like my soul had been silenced, and my faith in life had already been taken. Living with two major depressive, abusive pessimistic nihilists is so so so so difficult at such a young age (!) I know that they will always see me as they want to – I’m wrong for having an opinion/ I’m “evil” for standing up to them etc. They will never ever see me for who I really am, and that’s something that I am accepting by the day.

    I agree and relate so much: looking for ANYTHING to escape the awful reality of the misery I was born in to. I have felt almost like a stray human, the same way there are stray dogs and cats. I have spent so long being on my own in life, visiting friends houses, being invited to have Christmas with friends families, visiting different countries and walking own cities getting a glimpse of different people with their families and lives. Like I have never really been accepted in the human race, like I am an alien that is visiting for a brief period of time. Just always being the outsider with so much despair in my heart, silently crying out hoping that someone will be able to take all my memories and pain and fix me, give me a lighter head and take away my worries…. I realise now that only I can do this.

    What was your third option? When and how did you see that there was a third option, and what did it entail you doing? Yes, completely, I would love to continue our dialogue as it’s really helping me work through a lot of my own stuff. I respect the fact that you need to do that over time as well as it’s not easy opening up to someone you don’t know in person. The reason why I posted everything in my life on here at once, was because for too long I’ve had it stored in my heart, feeling like I’m hurting people if I tell them. But with Tiny Buddha, I just saw hope there, because I knew I’d be reaching out to souls who have had similar experiences, and I felt like those souls could support with me with talking them through, and helping me heal and grow (souls such as yourself).

    You’re right: I have put my trust and faith in people very easily. I think, because I see everyone else who aren’t my parents, as being saints. I really do. I see so much goodness and potential in people, just because they aren’t abusers, or the people who have abused me. And I presume that they are as open-minded, or understanding of others as I am. I realise now that everyone is complex, and because of the society we live in, not everyone is instantly as accepting as I am. I have learnt that in this life being so open and accepting (even though that’s qualities that the world needs more of), can really lead to some unkind situations. I am learning, by the day, to maintain by open soul, with confidence of ego, and to be weary of how I present this and communicate/ connect with others – as some people can misunderstand me.

    The first time I met Clarence I said “Do you believe in 11:11?” and he said yes, I kiss my watch every time I see it. So now, when I see 11:11 (I saw it last night), I kiss my phone, and put a wish out to the Universe. Before I went to the festival, on the plane my mind just said “Just get to the front for the Buzzcocks and you will hang out with the person you meet at the front”. I did, and over the duration of the time we were together, Clarence told me that he had also wished that he would meet a girl at the festival, and his friends had said he needs a girl who can handle him” (which is what I’ve been told about myself and guys as I too am a very intense and complex person). I cannot explain the sheer spiritual meeting it was with Clarence – I gained an insight to his life, to his heart, to his soul. I saw all of his pain, and my open-soul brought out the light and the dark in his.

    We spoke about spirituality/ Alan Watts theory on love. A lot. He proved himself to be a very emotionally intelligent soul, but he has this very dangerous ego that gets in the way of that – drugs, violence, hatred. He is so passionate about his beliefs, but at the same time this can turn into hatred, and he isolates himself, and he is unstable. It’s crazy. I fell in love with him because I saw his soul, and not only that: the darkness in his life reflected the darkness of mine.

    When I came back to England we continued these chats about spirituality, and love, and how we were so lucky to of found each other. He was the male version of me, it seemed. Although there were still attachment issues holding us back. I returned to my life where I still lived under the umbrella of my past, in fear of living for myself and going for my dreams, lack of confidence and a lot of issues with sex as well… He, was still an addict and still had a lot of his own past that haunted him too. Given both of those situations, it is clear (from the Universe perspective) that we both have our own soul work to do before being with anyone, really.

    Before I went to Chicago, I had been seeing 11:11 for months and months before. I researched in to it, and 11:11 can represent twin flames. I let go of this idea for a while. I didn’t even think about it when I was in Chicago at all. It was the other night, when I was watching ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ – that I suddenly thought about twin flames again. I googled it and chose one website to read about them again. I was crying a bit, as I was still thinking about him, and how the loss of him in my life has pushed me to face the things that I need to do in myself, and all the areas that I need to face to. I have a stronger relationship with the Universe than anyone else, and I know that each interaction is a lesson. I spoke to the Universe and I was thinking “Really? Could Clarence really be my twin flame?” It seemed like such a stupid idea – but – and I’m really not making this up – when I reached the end of the article, the article was signed off ‘Clarence x’ (but his real name, obviously). I touched my heart, cried, and I saw that as a sign from the Universe, that yes, he was/is my twin flame.

    Twin Flames are the souls that are mirrors to yours, and I’ve read that they reflect areas in each others lives that need to be addressed before they can spiritually unite. I no longer have an attachment to Clarence, but I have an attachment to my goal of making my life as great and healthy as it can be, because I know that once my soul comes out the other side: Only then will the Universe send me the person I am meant to be with. Even if it is not Clarence, I have accepted that. Sometimes Twin Flames meet and don’t unite in this lifetime, it can take lifetimes before they are re-united for good. If we were to reunite in this lifetime, Clarence would have to overcome his addiction, face his past which he runs from, and be in touch with his Soul and Spirit. All of these things are quite a lot to do, so who knows. Will we ever meet again in this lifetime? I do not know. But I strongly believe that the Universe sent him to me to set my soul on fire, and wake me up to realise that I have to live for me.

    RE: Your beliefs. It’s okay, you don’t have to believe what I believe, because I don’t agree that everyone should have the same beliefs at all. I think that everyone is so unique, and I think that everyone has the right to their own belief system that works for them. It doesn’t need to be believed by other people – that is never the point. If a belief system is believed by one individual and enhances their life in numerous ways, then their belief is valid – that’s what makes it unique, that’s what makes it magic.

    I believe that my belief of the Universe is working for me – because it’s my belief – it exists in my mind and heart, it converses with me and it works for the benefit of me – through the hardships and the good times. My belief in the Universe started when I was a young child. I was unjustly abused by my mother and ran to my bedroom in tears. I must’ve been about 6. I remember I have never cried so much in my life. My face was really puffy and blotchy and my Mother had broken my heart. I sat there, and cried for hours an hours. Waiting for her to come and make things okay…. But she never did. It was at that moment that I prayed to something – I didn’t know what it was – I wasn’t praying to an idea of God in the sky, or praying to a deity at all – I was just sending a help message out in to the cosmos it seemed. Hoping that my thoughts would be projected somewhere, and something or someone would hear them. It was then, I remember seeing a light through the gaps in my hands, and I remember looking up to the window with the light shining through. For whatever reason, that light was my hope, and it ignited something in my own heart. And it was from that day on wards that I knew the one thing I could rely on: that would give me faith and hope, was the strength and wisdom held within my own heart. All of these questions I ask the Universe: they come from both the outside and the inside – It shows me the signs, and my heart gives me it’s wisdom. <3 Buddhism has been the only specified religion that I identify with purely for these reasons: the Universe exists outside me and within, and in a way I am my own God and I get to decide the fate of my reality.

    Everyone has their own idea of what their world is, or what the universe is to them, how do they relate to it? What do they see in the darkest stretches of their imagination? Everyone has their own belief system or non belief system works for them – or doesn’t work for them – as sometimes people may have an unknown faith in nihilism, which they don’t recognise, but prevents them from taking opportunities, chances or risks that they don’t believe they are worth taking. It is not my place to say what is right or wrong, or what people should believe or not believe – I just know that the relationship we have with life, and how we connect to what our idea of life is, dictates everything about our lives.

    I completely understand that not everyone will believe in what I say about angel numbers, or coincidences or twin flames – but I’m not here to push that on to people – I’m here to share my own truth of what I’ve experienced and witnessed – and that in my own life, my own sense of the Universe has been corresponding with me on quite monumental scales. If my stories give someone else courage to believe that what they think the Universe is right, for their own life – then that would be something 🙂

    In terms of the Angel numbers as well – a couple of weeks ago I was up late writing out my C.V. As I did, I checked my phone on the hour. And guess what? Each time I checked it, it was EXACTLY on the hour. 1:11, 2:11, 3:11, 4:11. No joke. I told my sister about this and said – yep, that’s another sign from the Universe that the action I’m taking is in alignment!! Since telling my friend Jo about ’11:11′ she said to me – “You know, I keep seeing your number now, since you’ve said it!” – and I said, “No, that number is yours now :)” – And I felt happy knowing the Universe was also showing her that she is also in alignment.

    I have recently been checking my phone, and it’s been at 10 past the hour, or at 55 minutes past the hour. I’ve been seeing 555 a lot, and I know that this symbolises massive changes too. Fingers crossed this for me, means new life in Bristol, a re-born confidence, and a re-born hope and faith in the world and humanity. I have a feeling that it really will and am already starting to see the affects… My friend Miles sent me a youtube video to one guy’s morning routine – it’s amazing. But part of that routine, has been, in order to get up in the morning – hold up 5 fingers and then do a count down. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you’re on 1 you have to get up out of bed… I’ve been doing this recently and it’s helping me get through my depression – as it pushes me to joke, laugh n test myself first thing in the morning. I wake up, stretch my arm reallllly high in the air, and do the countdown. Sometimes, I do 5,4,3….and then start again… 5,4,3,2,1 etc. Which makes things easier!!

    I did this yesterday and it gave me more time in my morning. Usually I wake up late as possible with no enthusiasm for my life and drag myself to where I’m meant to be. I’d usually do this and get a taxi to the Doctors, but yesterday was different – I had more time and I went and got the bus instead. The result? My day all round was more productive. I got the bus in to town, and felt the fear of being around people (fear and guilt about my parents). I sat on a bench, I embraced the feeling of guilt…And then I let it go. I’ve never been able to do that before. So that was a big step for me, I may have to keep practising this when I am around people, but the fact that I have proven that I can do it has given me hope.

    This weekend I am taking some time out to firstly clean up my room (finally). Something that I have been putting off for ages! And sell some things as well. Really sort it out and get rid of any unnecessary belongings (and old energy in my room!). Once I have done that, I think I will be in a better position to start looking for houses.

    Also – this is random, but do you watch Black Mirror? It’s incredible, science fiction show about modern day life, with different moral dilemma’s surrounding technology. I started watching the recent series last night, it’s on Netflix, and there was one episode which was about relationships – and it was so beautiful and well-written. Made me think a lot about free will/ determinism, learning from break ups etc. You might like it.

    Anyway, I’ve written loads,

    Signing off at 5:55pm



    Dear Cat:

    You reignited my awareness of numbers- was awake this very early morning, looked at my phone and the time was 12:12, I thought to myself: this is getting unstuck from 11:11, or moving beyond it, leaving it behind. Can’t tell you more, that was the thinking then.

    Regarding beliefs: you and I have enough in common to focus on, for as long as the two of us are willing. So much in common, as I see it, that there is not enough time and space to contain all that is in common.

    Your experience at 6 years old, similar to many of mines, crying. I happened to pray to a god. No religious background. Prayed to a god in the sky, picked up this or that star and prayed to  it: help me! Help me! Or it was: help my mother! Save her life! Please, I begged, I think. There was no response. Never a response.

    Another memory I had reading your last post: walking in Los Angeles, as an adult, outside homes looking from the outside at the families inside, oh, how I wanted to be there, by the fireplace, at home, any home, warm with those people there.

    Regarding the third option I mentioned: the first option was being with my mother. The second was being with whomever crossed my path, or I crossed their path, randomly. The third is thoughtfully choosing who I spend time with and how. The third option came much later, way later.

    I got to get off the numbers thing, not a good thing for me, was not, in the past. So no more numbers for me.


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