Shock/dismayed ???

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    Hi All,

    I can’t believe I’m writing this.  I really can’t but I need some advice….

    So, I have a friend who I met through work. I’ve known her for over 2 years now and we are best mates. In the past few months she introduced me to a group of friends she has in her city. They are okay. They like partying alot.

    Through that group I met a guy.  He’s younger than me. I’m 27 and he’s 20. He plays basketball, and is quite outgoing, confident and we were getting on really well. We admitted to each other that we thought each other was cute etc. He’s kind of emo, kind of chavvy, and actually quite a bit immature.

    Over the past few weeks we’ve been hanging out alot. And he’s been really sweet. I think it’s been obvious that he’s been falling for me – He’s been staring at me lots, spent hours going through my braids and sorting out each one and generally telling me he likes me ALL the time. We get on really really well and there’s a definite connection between us.


    I can’t remember how it came about. But one time we were out socialising with his friends and he briefly mentioned how he “fucked a dog” – No, I’m really not kidding!! At the time I thought it was just some reallllllly stupid immature joke and let it slide – as with me he can be really mature, quite middle class and well-spoken etc.

    We were hanging out at the weekend, and I can’t remember how but the topic came up again and I asked him if it was true. It felt like he was lying – god knows why??? But anyway, he said that his step mum really fucked him up when he was living with his Dad and that she accused him of sleeping with the dogs. He said that he was a really fucked up kid (he was 15 at this point) and that they messed him up so badly that he went to actually sleep with the dog :O

    I was horrified, and demanded to know details. He basically said that the dog went up to him and mounted him for about 30 seconds and then he instantly regretted it and left….

    I’m in absolute shock.

    What kind of guy does this?? Or tells people this??

    I had to walk through town with him after this and I couldn’t hold his hand or anything. I said it seriously wasn’t cool and it was seriously fucked up. I’m a good person so I didn’t want to make him feel super bad.

    Over the weekend I messaged him exactly how I felt, as I’m a massive animal lover and moralistic person and just absolutely mortified. He apologised, and said he was a messed up kid and that he’s grown as a person.

    I got drunk with my friend on Saturday and she called him from my phone and asked him about it. He was willing to talk to her, and basically said the same story about his step-mum. And that he knew it was wrong, and that he’s grown as a person.

    He spoke to her about it for 10 minutes. But I still find it absolutely mortifying.

    I’m not really speaking to him now as I said how I felt about it and that I needed alot of space. Although he sent me a song earlier this morning….

    So fucking weird.

    I really don’t know what to make of it all, as to me he’s been an incredibly sweet, loving person. But this??
    Is this even forgivable??????

    I’m really hoping this is a really immature stupid lie that he made up at the time and is trying not to go back on??

    Super freaked out.


    Dear Cat:

    You asked two very appropriate and excellent questions, two separate questions:

    “What kind of guy does this??

    Or tells people this??”

    As to the first question, he answered in part, to you and to your friend, that “they messed him up so badly… he was a messed up kid.. he knew it was wrong, and that he’s grown as a person”.

    Okay, but what about the second question: if he indeed was messed up and is no longer messed up to that extent, and if he indeed grew up as a person, he would have known that he can’t tell this to people and expect it to not get stuck in the listener’s brain forever more. In other words, he can tell about it but he can’t un-tell it, ever.

    Clearly he hasn’t grown up enough to process his devastating childhood events and .. well, not mention that particular event, not if he wants anything new and healthy to happen with a new person in his life.



    Dear Anita,

    I worked through this relationsship for months. I am 27, he is 20.

    I’ve reached the point now where I’ve told him some really harsh truths about him and his mates. It hasn’t been pretty to say the least.

    I really don’t know whether to focus on the good in him and try and work through it. Or break it off with him. I havent been great to him and ive been quite hard on him. He’s depressed, really depressed n says that he needs support.


    Dear Cat:

    It is exactly five months since you first posted about this man/ this relationship. I understand that on one hand, you don’t have a healthy relationship history, but on the other hand, this man told you something that he cannot un-tell you. I mean, it would be very difficult for almost any woman to let go of the images of him doing what he did. I think it’s best that you let him go, break up with him and move on.

    Away from him, with a more suitable man, work on your relationship issues.


    • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by anita.
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