Forum Replies Created
Thanks for your analysis of my post… I understand what you’re trying to say, but I haven’t officially been diagnosed with PTSD, so I think it’s dangerous to presume that…
In general, I do have depression and I am diagnosed with BPD as you know.
At the moment I am struggling with – the mortality of life and decisions.
I’m 28 now and I’m scared about getting older, and not living the life that I was meant to.
Throughout my 20’s I created this punk ego and tried to band stuff, never to much success. Hanging out in squats, people at protests and just, going through different friendship groups.
I’m at a point now where I’ve dissolved my ego. I am trying to live life in accordance with who I really am. And I’ve gone back to writing the fantasy book. I went with my friend to Glastonbury yesterday, I’ve been there a few times now, and I do love it and have thoughts of moving there.
I am struggling with knowing what to do with my life. I don’t have a partner. As I want to wait for the right person. I’m still in Bristol – should I go back to the punk ego and do band stuff? Or should I focus on the fantasy book? Keep my head down? I’m not on social media at the moment…
I’m quite plagued with the darkness of the world. Suicidal thoughts, the dairy industry, the porn industry and all these bad things. They really really plague my mind so much.
I’d really like to come to peace with myself at first inside and know what I’m doing in life and how best I can try and change the world before I make any moves….
I’d really like your advice on all of this, as I am finding it all a massive head f**k and confusion.
P.S I’m glad that you have never looked at 11:11 the same way again!! I hope 11:11 comes to you more after this!
- This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by Cat.
Thank you for the in-depth reply.
At the time I spoke to my friends who are polyamorous and they said that how Magic behaved was inappropriate and not polyamory. My best friend Hazel is polyamorous and said this: “Put it this way, it’d be like me planning a trip to go and see Anna (her girlfriend) and when getting in to her house, instantly inquiring about her girlfriend. It would just be so out of order”. How would Anna feel in that situation if she had been told that her loving girlfriend had come to see her and then made a comment about someone else?
To put it simply. Respectful people seek to build relationships with others and carefully navigate ways of doing so. This goes the same for poly people too. What Magic did, was that he said that the trip and connection was about us, and then came in to my house and then made the situation about someone else. How can I put this – it’s like, having a potential partner, meeting up with them to discuss where you’re both at in the relationship and then them commenting on the person on the table next to you. Would you really think that that person was deep, meaningful and sincere?
I have spoken to alot of poly people about this. And sadly, Magic is doing the same thing that alot of young people are doing these days – which is being attracted to alot of people and labelling it “polyamory”. Polyamory is the ability to build trusting relationships based on communication and trust. What Magic, and alot of other people are doing, is travelling around and having instant connections with people that could lead to something physical. Magic, therefore, should resign himself as single. That way he won’t upset people that he’s already promised to build trust with. Does this make sense?
I can see why you are seeking to understand it from his perspective. As I normally do with things. A lot of good hearted, spiritual people would. But through this life I’ve realised the importance of amplifying your voice when its needed the most, and standing up for yourself when you’re being walked over. As a woman, we often silence ourselves in moments when we deserved to be treated better and seen. I listened to my heart, my passion, my soul and in that moment I stayed 100% true to my mind that was telling me – I deserve more.
That trip was a lot…. He stayed in a hotel and we spent the week messaging back and forth and I would meet him and try and show him places. But quite frankly, the male entitlement and privilege that came off him was too much for me. Many times my intuition was telling me that we need to part ways and so I did. I was in constant torment all week of trying to show him around but at the same time, when I was in his presence, it didn’t feel right. I felt like I was doing myself an injustice. Energy doesn’t lie!
By the end of the week, my housemates and I welcomed him back in to the house. Magic seemed a little manic at this point, and I still felt harmed being around him. I wish I hadn’t let him back in. He spent alot of time complaining to me about his girlfriend, and then he delayed his flight to France for a couple days and didn’t tell her. Then she was on videocall crying alot and he’d be reassuring her. He was lying to her too – and this is just a behaviour from a man that I really don’t support. It’s lying, and it’s quite misogynistic. Seeing himself first, women secondary , treating them in accordance to how they benefit his life in the moment.
He was lying to his girlfriend about how he felt towards me. Then complaining about his girlfriend to me. Telling me that he wanted to “fix” things between me and him and that I’m his twin flame, and then making it seem my fault when I was upset that he made the trip about someone else.
He spent time with my housemates and Lucy, and I left him in the house when I went to attend my work christmas party (at the residential home). I went there and hugged my colleagues who are my friends and I know they care about me. I stayed as long as I could because I didn’t want to go back to Magic. It felt horrible being in his presence because everything was about him. It felt like I was avoiding going back to an abusive relationship.
After that party, I met Magic in town and he said he wasn’t well. On the bus back to mine we were sat on the back seat and Magic leaned in to my ear and whispered, in a really bitter voice. “When you were gone, I wanted to go up to Lucy’s room and talk to her for hours”. I asked him not to mention it please as we’d spent the week trying to move on from the whole situation and he was due to fly back to France in the morning.
He then continued “You know what Cat. She’s kind, generous, loving. Not like you, you’re bitter, you’re mean, jealous, controlling”. He then stormed up the front of the bus. My heart couldn’t take it anymore. This man wasn’t thinking about my feelings, or Lucy’s feelings. This man was someone who just thought about himself and what he wanted in the moment,
I asked him to leave again, and at first he refused. He said “there’s 5 people in that house. Let’s democratize the house and have a vote. (As if my all-female all-friends housemates would vote for him to stay). We got back and I told my housemates what happened and they instantly said, “No. He needs to go”. My housemate Clara said “He made the mistake once, and you worked through it. But you told him how it made you feel, and he knows how it makes you feel and how it upsets you. So he’s chosen to do that. This is completely out of order”.
Clara and Sam (housemates) drove Magic to a hotel near the airport.
The next day I received a phonecall from the Bristol airport police saying that Magic was manic and they were worried about him. Magic ended up going to a psychiatric hosptial where he had a psychotic breakdown.
I spoke to his dad on the phone and he said that Magic was taking anti-psychotics before lockdown and stopped taking them beginning of lockdown and that it was common for him to get manic to the point of delusions. His girlfriend flew over to see him, and his dad asked me to stay away in case I triggered Magic or made it worse.
It was intense, and there was alot of hurt between us. We couldn’t really keep up communication over technology as it was hurting me too much so we parted ways.
I do hope Magic gets better, but I still can’t put myself in a position where I’m being hurt.
Also – more to catch up on. ALOT has happened in December, I’ll write all after I’ve seen your reply to this.
Hope you’re well!
We agreed that this trip was going to be about US. We have never discussed what we are with each other and I never got to say my consent or boundaries in all of this either…
He made his intentions clear from day 1 that the trip was about him and making new connections and not about US and our relationship, so he did essentially lie to me as he made it about him on the first night and not us.
I disagree. I think if Magic Really respected and loved me the way he said he did, then that moment would’ve been about US and our connection. It really would have, especially after everything I did for him and how much effort I put in to welcoming him in to my home.
I am emotionally distraught and still shaking from the shock. My self esteem has been crushed.
Thanks Anita – also, just want to point out that Magic isnt the Clarence guy. Magic was the person who let me stay with them when I left Clarence’s
Dear Anita – & anyone else who reads this, I really need a reply ASAP.
I really hope you read this soon, as once again I’ve found myself at a point in my life where I feel – mentally numbed and disabled from the current situation. I really need your advice on what I should do.
I can’t remember if I said at the time or not, but I found myself in a tricky situation in Chicago in 2017. The person who helped me out, ill call him Magic. He found me when I needed him most and let me stay with him for the rest of my trip. We have been friends for four years since then and stayed in touch. I think I have romantically loved him for a long time. He is polyamorous and in a relationship with someone in France. He is spiritual and often goes a lot on universal signs and tarot readings. At the moment, he doesn’t have a stable job and he’s travelling around Europe, living mostly on credit. He recently helped me pay £300 towards my rabbits vet bills too. ….
Anyway, he booked in a trip to come and visit me. He decided this, I didn’t invite him. In general, I have been doing well. I am growing in confidence and I have a place of work that loves me to bits – both the people I support and my colleagues. And most of the time my housemates are supportive too.
I planned a full packed week for Magic. Booked in loads of things and asked my housemates if he could stay here for a week. They were all excited to meet him. I picked him up from the airport on Wednesday. I even made a sign that said his name on it and held it up in arrivals. We had this mega hug and then we held hands on the bus back from the airport.
I had previously arranged a surprise party for him. So when we got back to my house, all my housemates and our friends were in the kitchen and shouted “Surprise!”. I was so excited to introduce Magic in to my world because everyone in my life knows how highly I speak of him.
Throughout the evening everyone was getting along great and having a great time. He was getting on well with everyone and everyone loved him too.
But – this is where my world falls apart. We were all drinking, and he spent a lot of time talking to my housemates. Around 1am he approaches me in the kitchen in front of everyone, holds me by my top arms and says “Cat,I feel so inspired. Your housemate Lucy. Is she single? Is she single?” My heart broke. He then continues “I can say that right? We’re polyamorous right? We’re polyamorous right?” (this is a conversation that we have never had).
My heart was broken. I call I could say was “Who’s we?” and I went upstairs to my room to cry. It was horrible. My housemates spoke to him and set him up in the lounge. I went and spoke to him and said that I didn’t feel comfortable having him in my house. I was so hurt that after 4 years the first thing that he spoke to me about feelings was my housemate and I think that hurt was monumental. I felt overlooked, devalued and so many things.
Magic stayed in a hotel. I met up with him on Friday and we had food and went to a show with my work mates. I told him that I still didn’t feel comfortable having him stay in my house but he didn’t book hotel again so he had to stay at mine on Friday night. On Saturday I felt too upset to be around him so I asked him to leave.
I’ve been so upset and messaging him how hurt I’ve been. It’s been horrible. He’s cried too and said that he said it because he wanted to share something and be honest. I explained that I never consented to be polyamorous and also that a rule for me is that if I was in something that was poly, I wouldn’t want to know what that person feels towards other people. I also said that it’s so inappropriate to try anything with someones housemate in general. Everyone knows that.
He’s staying in a hotel. I went to see him last night to tell him that I’d romantically loved him since Chicago. He said he always wants me in his life in some way or other and he thinks that I’m his twin flame. He showed me that he’d written this in his notebook, and was reading me the entire contents of his notebook. My heart felt closed and sometimes open. He went to the bathroom and I was flicking through the pages and he wrote that he had gone for roast that day, but he had previously messaged me saying he’d been in his pjamas all day.
I asked him about it when he came out of the bathroom and he said that he went for a roast at Chris’s flat (Chris is my housemate Chloe’s boyfriend – Magic met him at the party on Weds). But Chris had told Magic not to tell me. This made me feel really paranoid and worse about the situation and that I’m lesser than everyone else. I wanted to leave but Magic shouted at me and told me that I don’t know how to love, that I only know how to snap at people who cross my path, that my aim was to make him as low as I was and that I am selfish. I really wanted to leave. He said I was a rubbish host because I abandoned him and left him alone in this unknown city.
Magic apologised and said he wanted me to stay and work through it because he loves me and that I’m worth it. Everything was so confusing because as much as I do want to stay and work through it, I also feel incredibly hurt and don’t feel like I can be around him, even though I’m meant to be hosting him.
I stayed the night at the hotel. We kissed and held each other. But deep down my heart and mind still feels locked in insecurity and this situation has brought up alot of things I need to do for myself – such as live for myself. We went for breakfst this morning, but I couldn’t speak and I had to leave him in the cafe.
I m home now. Feeling like a crap host, an abandoner, a loser and sat here with all my insecurities not knowing what to do – whether to sit with this pain and focus on my art, or try and push myself to go and be with Magic. I must add that at this moment in time Magic is super hyper and manic and not the same grounded person I met in Chicago. Wherever he is at mentally right now, I don’t think that I can support as I feel too hurt and also my own insecurities have flared up since Wednesday and I am struggling to see past them.
Someone, please advise what I should do.
I worked through this relationsship for months. I am 27, he is 20.
I’ve reached the point now where I’ve told him some really harsh truths about him and his mates. It hasn’t been pretty to say the least.
I really don’t know whether to focus on the good in him and try and work through it. Or break it off with him. I havent been great to him and ive been quite hard on him. He’s depressed, really depressed n says that he needs support.
It’s been a while since we last spoke – how are you?
I’ve recently found myself reflecting on my own guilt, and my own background of where I came from. I think this is a massive reason why I hide away from the world. I don’t feel normal or human, and I feel like if everyone knew everything about me then they would see me as a walking freakshow.
I say this because my family heritage isn’t interesting, and I come from generations of close/ breeding and sometimes distanced incest 🙁 This is horrible. I wish I had a heritage that I was interested and proud of, but I don’t. I don’t feel like a normal or deserving person.
How does anyone process a death like this? :'( She was SUCH a bright soul. So young, and sweet and pure. Not a bad bone in her body. SO passionate about music.
Her Dad emailed me photo’s of the tree in London. Her friends there decorated it with guitar picks and other things she liked 🙁 That just made it feel too real. It’s awful. I think of her young sweet, smiling face, and I can’t believe I’ll never see or talk to her again :'( How does anyone get over that? It feels like she’s gone and there’s nothing we can do to save her.
She was 1 in a million and I feel like we’ve missed out and lost so much. I still can’t believe it.
I returned to work last week, but I felt too overwhelmed to make a decision about what to do with work. Especially with everything going on right now.
I’m not too great. I found out on Monday that one of my old friends committed suicide :'( She was only 20. I met her when she was 17. She had such a big heart and was so smart. She took her life on the 17th, after 2 previous attempts. She hung herself in the woods :'(
She was a trans woman. I met her as a boy, and watched her become Lucy. She fronted her own band, and her favourite band was Against Me.
Yesterday I was empty and depressed and stayed inside. Last night I started crying.
This morning I emailed all my memories to her Mum and family. And listened to Against Me and cried.
This month has been the worst.
I hope you read this message before I get in to work tomorrow.
At the moment I work at the arts place Mon, Tues, weds, Fri 9-5 and care home on Thursdays.
Last week the care home said they wanted me back because I’m good with the residents and because all the staff know me and want to support me.
I am inclined to go back to the care home for many reasons. Since starting my new job, I’ve found it hard to find time to play guitar and write songs for my band. And also time to read. If I go back to the care home, it means each day I will have either the morning or afternoon free to be at home doing just that.
If I go back to the care home, then I will need to work every other weekend. I will be starting therapy on Saturdays at 2pm. So it may well be a I need to work a long day every other Sunday. This isn’t ideal, but at the moment it seems like the most viable option.
Some people may see this as a step back, but I need to put myself first. Right now in life, I honestly just want to be at peace with myself and to create. In the care home I will be allowed to have breaks when feeling stressed. At the moment running sessions is a lot more stress and pressure and also alot more paperwork.</p>
Ideally I’d love to be off of work, as my mind feels like it’s going to Crack under responsibility and control. I hate feeling trapped.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Cat.
I started looking in to EMDR therapy last summer, although I didn’t feel strong enough to go through with it.
I have sourced an EMDR therapist and I have an initial meeting with her next Saturday. Emotional times.
Did I tell you that the care home want me back to work there full time?
This week has been quite intense.
Last week I was on annual leave, and a couple things happened when I was away that gave me emotional feelings back to what happened in Amsterdam in 2016. (I was given rhohypnol and was still conscious when I saw 2 guys standing in front of me waiting to assault me). Two things happened when I was away, and last Friday I had a nightmare regarding being sedated, and I woke up in cold sweats. Since Friday, I have continued to have cold sweats.
I went back to work on Tuesday, and my new art sessions job wasn’t that supportive, but I was allowed to spend my working hours in the care home. I spent some time in my old friends room and said my goodbye’s. When I came home on Tuesday evening, I had a nap and when I woke up I was in sweats again. I realised that my mental health really wasn’t normal, or good. I was reliving different traumatic events through my bandmates as well and being very untrusting of them.
I spoke with the on-call GP today and she agreed with me, and believes I’m experiencing PTSD symptoms, and I do need to address this past trauma in my life. I am currently looking in to trauma therapy.
It’s nearly 1pm here in Bristol. The weather outside is bland. The sky is white. I am sat in bed, still in my onesie. My room is a mess. My eyes are puffy from crying. I have been on annual leave for the past 2 weeks – and I was due back to work today. I got a phonecall from the nursing home, with the news that one of my lil old ladies passed away 🙁 She was 93, a feisty little thing, and v stubborn. I’ve supported her for over a year, and we developed a relationship that was so funny. Seeing her face light up on shift really made me feel like I was making a difference in my work. I felt like I meant something to someone.
I did not go to work today, because I think I deserved time to grieve her passing. I wasn’t there for the final days, and I’ve been worrying that I could of done more. My colleagues have spoken to me on the phone, and they said that out of everyone, I gave her so much joy in the final years of her life. We joked, danced, played. She loved me, and I loved her.
My new job is part of that same organisation – their building is across the road. I did talk to them and said I wouldn’t be in because I was grieving. They said that it wouldn’t come under grievance leave because she wasn’t family or next of kin. The care home are going to tell them how close we were, I think, and make them understand.
I’ve been feeling a bit low the past couple of days. Mostly due to a lot of reasons. Sometimes I feel like I am stupid, or I am really unintelligent. Especially when I talk to people who I see as intelligent. Such as people who talk about things I don’t know, and people who I see achieving more than I am. – This is a conversation that needs its own explanatory post.
In response to your questions:
1. I had the blood test – and it turns out that I wasn’t anemic or gluten intolerant etc. But those problems have subsided.
2. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with PMDD, but I tried going on microgynon contraceptive pill, which has really balanced out my hormones and has been working so far.
3. No more changes to my anti-depressants, and I’ve actually been feeling ALOT less depressed!!! Spending way less time in bed, and I’ve been more pro-active in believing in myself and following my dreams.
4. The chronic headaches have stopped – and I had the eye check. I do have a lazy eye – but I do feel it strengthening on occasions!!!
I still haven’t forgotten about you!!
Happy New Year too 🙂
How have you been?
It’s 8pm in Bristol. There’s a storm outside, so I have spent today inside, reading and writing lyrics for a song I wrote.
A lot has happened my end since we last spoke…All the people I mentioned in the last post are no longer in my life….
Me and Angel had an on/off thing for a while. It was difficult because he lived in a different town to me, so I only got to see him every so often. He would be on/off and sometimes reply to my messages, and sometimes he wouldn’t. Also, when we hung out, he would refuse to be affectionate, like kiss me and things like that. It was weird, he said he wanted me but then he was always unattainable. The whole situation was really hard for me, and it triggered a lot of my emotional dysregulation as it would be on my mind alot.
That finished the end of last year.
In October last year, I also left the band I was in. This was partly my own fault but partly the reactions of others too.It’s a long story, but I have realised who my true friends are, and I’m currently starting a new project with people outside of that scene. I feel a lot better for it, as I want to connect with people who are just good, understanding people.
I also have a new job, doing support work with deaf people but doing music, art, drama and card making sessions! I do that 4 days a week and the care job 1 day a week.