Dear Anita,

Thanks for your speedy response. I can see how it was interpreted that way, and also read that way. A few years ago I would of said yes, actually I was wrong to question it…..But in all totality of the universe, what is wrong with asking a question?

My questioning was actually quite child-like and out of a place of curiosity rather than a place of defence. I think too many people are quick to see others as being defensive or attacking, whereas sometimes it is just people, like myself being open-minded enough to share my previous experiences with the woman in the shop. My aim was to strike up conversation about it, as I was genuinely interested as to why they do charge 50p – as I’ve never heard of that before.

If you read it, I never explicitly said that I was against the idea of paying the 50p, I simply asked a question. And when I say about me putting it up in other cafe’s etc. I’m merely sharing my experience…. The same way a child would, if they were told to go to bed at 8pm, but the previous night were allowed to stay up until 11. The child would say “But I was allowed to stay up until 11 last night?” – coming from a place where they are trying to understand the inconsistencies… The aim for me was to start up a conversation about what shops do charge and what shops don’t, purely from a place of curiosity.

If other people wish to see me and interpret me as aggressive for questioning out of curiosity,being honest to the woman and saying that cafe’s don’t charge, and then standing up for myself against a girl who’s instantly assumed my intentions and feels entitled to then passively try and belittle me – then I’m completely fine with that 🙂 I walk away knowing my true intentions and who I am as a person, and they are left with their misconceptions of me in their minds.

Unfortunately it happens to me a lot – I am just honest and people take that as they will – some get me and others don’t. At the end of the day I’d rather be honest and misunderstood/ seen as controversial than not be honest, be careful of what I say and in turn remain anxious and paranoid what people think all the time.

Cat

Bryan,

Thanks for commenting on this post and sharing your story. Please could you start your own post on one of the forums and share your story there? This means that members will be specifically replying to your situation, as this thread is about what’s happening in my life at the moment. I would try and give advice, but at the moment I myself am at a very confusing crossroads time and therefore seeking advice on here. Thank you.

Anita,

Thank you for saying that. I think especially now I really need to start making choices that I know will better my life. I do need some practical advice from others, as at the moment I am just staying in bed all day trying to find motivation to carry out my goals, even doing small things like going to the shops to buy food. Part of the reason I feel so trapped is because I have an inconsiderate housemate (who I mentioned before) who keeps me awake until 4 in the morning, and therefore it means I sleep through my alarm and sleep to the afternoon. I really want to try and wake up earlier, and put steps towards my goals. I really need genuine advice and support to do this. I’ve been putting on gigs, but still that’s me doing things for other people and not putting myself first. Lots of bands are messaging me but I can’t find the energy to reply as I really don’t know what my next step is. I want to move to a different house, yet at the same time because of my current living situation I feel really unmotivated so it’s like a catch 22. I really need to break free from this cycle.

These are the things that I am thinking about:

1. I’m not sure if I should stay here and work on getting healthier before moving, or try and move asap so I am out of this situation.

2. I’m not sure if I should try and go back to my current work where I am unhappy, and try and be healthy there, and then save money to move to Bristol, or if I should move to Bristol and find a job there.

3. I’m not sure if I should put this gig on in March, as it would make me look good as a promoter, but at the same time I need to sort my life out and focus on where I want to be instead of focusing on bands.

I’ve been thinking about these questions for over a week, looking at Angel Numbers, tarot cards etc. And I still can’t see a way out due to financial stress.

Any advice is really appreciated. Please feel free to see what I have written to Peter and reply to that too.

Peter,

No worries, thanks for listening to what I had to say and thanks for seeing things from my perspective, and labelling the message 🙂 I do appreciate your views on faith, doubt, change etc. And I do agree with you – I do need to accept change. At the moment life has pushed me to a place where I really do need to make a change and start living for me, instead of resisting change and hiding away in my room depressed and unmotivated. Please could you read what I wrote to Anita, and give me some practical advice about those situations too?!

I think at the moment I am scared….. I am scared to sort out my bedroom and sell things and look at old photos and notes etc. because doing so means I have to face all those emotions that I have felt in the past. Like I have to confront the person I was and what I have been through and it all isn’t nice. Therefore I don’t look at it because it reminds me of family, parents, old friends etc and all of it is just emotional overload. Even waking up and stepping outside and going in to town…..It’s almost like I feel guilty for simply living my life or being confident or free because my parents never had that freedom, and deep down my soul thinks, well if they can’t have it, why should I? They always said I was so lucky to have the things I did and looked sad because they didn’t have it and made me feel guilty 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 It’s bad because of that guilt I feel, and because they made me feel sorry for them so much, it’s like when I’m presented with the unknown I refuse to take it because in the back of my mind I feel so sorry for my parents not having these opportunities – yet at the same time it’s their own abusive behaviour that has held them back from that. I guess deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight is on my shoulders.

I feel guilty for taking steps towards my own self-care/ self-love/ putting myself first because my parents never did and never could, and never taught me how to. I can’t remember one time as a child or growing up where I was just allowed to be happy or at peace as everything me and my sister did was wrong, and so I find it really hard to find peace and happiness in the present, without being hard on myself. It makes me want to cry so much. I’ve been to therapy but I couldn’t talk about it because the feeling is so indescribable, it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life etc. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

Cat

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cat.

Peter,

I disagree, some parts of life aren’t constant change – such as relationships that stay together? Or would you say that within those relationships, there is always constant change? People also stay in the same jobs and live in the same houses too…..So not all life is constant change. If life was constant change, then we’d be living in times without mortgages, or set jobs, there would be no persistence and things being built. So life is not constant change, life is also persistence.

Cat

Anita,

I realise now that a lot of the time, I chase the validation of others for my own healing, which always fails to work of course. I realise this because since being back in England, to deal with everything I put all my energy into putting on gigs and tried to start up a band myself. Because I was so quick to use this as escapism, it means I allowed myself to be associating with people who weren’t good for me. There was a guy who was going to drum in my band but I found out later he was doing it because he liked me and was in fact really creepy. He just dropped all my amps back now, and I didn’t give him much energy at all. It felt liberating to know that I am moving away from the people in my life who aren’t in it for my best interests, and moving towards people who are genuine, kind and have honest intentions.

I think for me, healing is to start protecting my energy and to stop letting in people who won’t respect me or understand me etc. For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me. I’ve allowed myself to be open and vulnerable to a lot of people. Now I realise, I am my own book and only I need to understand and accept myself, and surround myself with other books who are on my wavelength.

Mark,

You’re right – I felt better today after posting on here, and knowing that I’m allowing myself to grow and move forward from this. I’ve been searching for the answers in the angel numbers and tarot cards, but when I posted on here last night it felt uplifting – because I knew that the right people were going to hear this story, and help me a long my journey – I needed to connect and share it with other people who understand spirituality and faith.

I think far too often I have been looking for answers from people who aren’t spiritual or have a faith, and so they can tell me what I want to hear, and then talk about me behind my back because they don’t understand my spirituality/ faith. If you read what I wrote to Anita – I have done this far too many times and allowed myself to be far too open to people who aren’t good for me. I’m glad I have the tiny buddha forums now because that has given me an outlet for my emotions in the right space.

Cat

Hi Mark,

Thanks for the speedy reply. I believe in 11:11 too: I got a tattoo of it on my wrist in Chicago (before I met Clarence). I am definitely a free spirit but sometimes this means that I can follow down the wrong path because I believe the universe can send us people we are meant to be with or learn from. I feel that most of my life I have been running away from making decisions and putting it up to the universe and following signs, rather than using my own sense of judgement. The only haunting thing about Clarence was how much empathy I felt for his own pain and suffering – I’m a highly empathetic person and sometimes I feel this calling to help people or make them see the best in themselves. It was a catch 22, because as much as I showed him the best parts of himself, it was still damaging for me. Sometimes I am still haunted by the thought of him in Chicago and whatever he is doing/ his suffering, but I guess this is something that will gradually fade out.

This has been a pattern for many of my relationships: I tend to see the fullness of another person before I see myself, and this is something that I really need to focus and work on. I have dreams and goals and a desire to make a better life for myself here in England and surround myself with good people. When I got back to England, I threw myself into putting on gigs and performing and doing promotion stuff – however because of my behavioural/mental issues, there’s been hardships within that too, and so now I just feel like allowing myself to not do anything.

I’ve spent the past couple days just resting, sleeping, watching films etc. And allowing myself to feel upset. I wanted to allow myself to do this so I could finally release all the grief I have in my heart, and be ready for the next steps in life. I had the idea to post my story up on tiny buddha last night as a final honest release, in the hope that other like-minded people would be able to give me more of an idea of the meaning behind it all, and how I can become a stronger person.  If you have any advice on how to heal/grow/learn properly and become stronger then that would be much appreciated.

Thank you for your reply,

Cat