I don’t fully feel comfortable describing the exact things he did and putting it out there online, but I will tell you that he would occasionally say/ask some things that could be taken out of context, but creeped me out now that I’m looking back. That’s why it’s hard to tell what his intentions were. I can’t tell alone whether or not he was trying to be creepy or not. I know that’s pretty vague. This wasn’t a common thing for him to do. I can only think of a couple instances, but it is still causing me to wonder if there was more to it now. The worst part is that he is on his trip, so I can’t contact him, or at least I can’t contact him and actually say what’s on my mind. He’s with a religious organization, and it isn’t the healthiest religion in my opinion. It is definitely very strict and on his trip all emails and stuff will be monitored. So I can’t talk to him. This would all be so much easier if I could talk about this with him. But I have to wait two years for that.

Do I think he would harm another child? No. He lives with so much guilt, he and I both know that if he ever did something to another child, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. But until I get definitive answers I can’t be 100% sure of that. I just don’t know what he considers appropriate to do/say and what he doesn’t. And I can’t talk to him for 2 years, but I can’t wait 2 years. I need answers now. I don’t ever want to come forward about what happened under any circumstances. It wouldn’t help me. It would definitely make my brother kill himself. It would quite possibly make my parents do the same. But yet again I feel obligated to come forward when I don’t want to.

Is my brother a pedophile? I don’t know. I sure hope not. I wish he could get counseling, but he’s gone for 2 years, and let’s just say professional help is not something my religion is good at delivering. And even if he did go to a therapist, he runs the high risk of being reported to the police. I just don’t know what to do. If he is a pedophile, it makes me feel like it’s my responsibility to come forward. Like I have to. It’s so hard that he won’t be here for two years. If he were here I could talk to him about this and decide what I need to do from there within a day. But since he’s not here, the pending decision is killing me and I find myself feeling intense and indescribable dread every day. Getting professional help isn’t an option for me either. I just don’t know what to do for two years until he gets back and I can get some closure.