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My brother

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  • #193247
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    So a little while ago, I made a post about how my older brother sexually abused me when I was in about 3rd grade, and while I wasn’t in any way traumatized by the events, I felt obligated to come forward about it, and I felt like I would be living a lie if I didn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel like coming forward would help me in any way, and I realized that my parents are likely to try and hurt themselves if I come forward. I confronted him a while ago and he broke down apologizing, and he explained that he had been abused at a camp the summer before it all happened, and he had been completely scarred. I got some great support after I posted here, and I felt a lot better. But I’m having another problem.

     

    So the abuse took place when I was in third grade. He was a freshman in high school. Eventually, he stopped. Oddly, we were still close after it happened. Like I said, it didn’t traumatize me, I didn’t really realize what was going on, and by the time I did, I was able to make sense of it and move on. During that time I was rightfully furious at him, and I still haven’t completely forgiven him, but I know that he feels extremely guilty and has changed.

     

    But recently after my last post, I started remembering some mildly inappropriate comments he would make even after the abuse ended. It wasn’t anything even close to the shit he did when I was in third grade, but it was enough to really creep me out looking back on it. And now I’m worrying if he’s a pedophile. And if he is, I’m worried that if I don’t come forward, he’ll hurt another kid. I don’t think this is a rational thought, I think this is my OCD. I don’t think he would hurt another kid. You’ll just have to take my word for it. I’ve known him my whole life. When I confronted him, he said child molesters are disgusting, and he said how much he hates them. But a part of me wonders if he’s a pedophile, and what he did to me wasn’t just an isolated incident because of the trauma he faced. And I’m freaking out all over again. He’s on a two year trip with little to no family contact, so I can’t talk to him about this. I’m just terrified that he might still be attracted to children, and I don’t know what to do about it. I do not want to come forward under any circumstances. The reactions of my family would traumatize me more than the actual abuse ever could have. But the fact that I’m remembering mildly creepy shit he did even after he stopped the abuse makes me worry if I’m putting kids at risk by not coming forward but I can’t tell if that’s my OCD or not.

    #193303
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NamesAreOverrated:

    If you share what those “mildly creepy *&8& he did even after he stopped the abuse”, I will try to help you figure out if it is your OCD or there is a valid concern on your part, regarding him hurting other kids presently.

    anita

    #193311
    Mark
    Participant

    NamesAreOverrated,

    Pedophiles are made not born.  Your brother’s camp abuse shows that.  Just because he is aware of that and what he did to you does not mean all that scaring and behavior automatically stops.  He needs therapy for despite he knows on some level that it is wrong and says that child molestors are disgusting does not mean that the imprinted trauma and related unconscious behavior goes away.

    Talk to your brother and get him into counseling.

    http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1658-5-ways-were-making-pedophilia-worse.html

    http://www.cbc.ca/firsthand/m_features/pedophiles-resources

     

    Mark

    #194171
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I don’t fully feel comfortable describing the exact things he did and putting it out there online, but I will tell you that he would occasionally say/ask some things that could be taken out of context, but creeped me out now that I’m looking back. That’s why it’s hard to tell what his intentions were. I can’t tell alone whether or not he was trying to be creepy or not. I know that’s pretty vague. This wasn’t a common thing for him to do. I can only think of a couple instances, but it is still causing me to wonder if there was more to it now. The worst part is that he is on his trip, so I can’t contact him, or at least I can’t contact him and actually say what’s on my mind. He’s with a religious organization, and it isn’t the healthiest religion in my opinion. It is definitely very strict and on his trip all emails and stuff will be monitored. So I can’t talk to him. This would all be so much easier if I could talk about this with him. But I have to wait two years for that.

     

    Do I think he would harm another child? No. He lives with so much guilt, he and I both know that if he ever did something to another child, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. But until I get definitive answers I can’t be 100% sure of that. I just don’t know what he considers appropriate to do/say and what he doesn’t. And I can’t talk to him for 2 years, but I can’t wait 2 years. I need answers now. I don’t ever want to come forward about what happened under any circumstances. It wouldn’t help me. It would definitely make my brother kill himself. It would quite possibly make my parents do the same. But yet again I feel obligated to come forward when I don’t want to.

     

    Is my brother a pedophile? I don’t know. I sure hope not. I wish he could get counseling, but he’s gone for 2 years, and let’s just say professional help is not something my religion is good at delivering. And even if he did go to a therapist, he runs the high risk of being reported to the police. I just don’t know what to do. If he is a pedophile, it makes me feel like it’s my responsibility to come forward. Like I have to. It’s so hard that he won’t be here for two years. If he were here I could talk to him about this and decide what I need to do from there within a day. But since he’s not here, the pending decision is killing me and I find myself feeling intense and indescribable dread every day. Getting professional help isn’t an option for me either. I just don’t know what to do for two years until he gets back and I can get some closure.

    #194225
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NamesAreOverrated:

    It seems to me that you believe that if only you could talk to your brother, then you will know if he is a pedophile and upon such a conversation or conversations problems will be resolved. What if it will not be so at all?

    And you believe that you “coming forward” will result in your brother and your parents committing suicide (“it would definitely make my brother kill himself. It would quite possibly make my parents do the same”).

    You are too afraid to share here what your brother said and did that you consider creepy and you are afraid to share that with a psychotherapist in fear of … your brother and parents killing themselves.

    Maybe your fear will diminish if you challenge your belief that the three will kill themselves if you share what your brother said and did that was creepy. What evidence do you have that these three people are ready to end their lives upon you sharing here on this thread or elsewhere, and getting (elsewhere) professional help for yourself and professional advice on the matter?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by anita.
    #194683
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Dear NAO,

    Sometimes some things in life are better left unsaid!

    For now at least, let it go because exposing it may do more harm than good…..to everyone in your family AND to yourself!!

    GOD Bless!!!

    #194701
    Mark
    Participant

    NAO,

    If your brother is a self-confessed pedophile then he should be reported to the authorities.  Would you rather have him pray on helpless children and ruin their lives?

    IF he made known that he has committed a crime or currently committing a crime (i.e. sexual assault/rape of a minor) then it is the therapist’s responsibility to report him.

    You want him to get better and not be a threat to other children.  Right now it is all speculation.  You are not sure if he is a pedophile AND you cannot make him go see a therapist and the likelihood is small for him to do so anyway.

    I recommend you go see a therapist yourself to get straight your past memories of sexual abuse.

    Mark

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