Dear Vera:

I understand that you are anxious. Best thing you can do is to not express your anxiety by fighting with him. If you put the pressure on him to resolve your anxiety, to calm you, to tell you it will be okay, etc., you will be hurting him and you.

You may feel better if he says … the right thing to you at any one time, but long term, dumping one’s anxiety on another drains that person.

He expressed to you his honest feelings about physical distance, didn’t he? Accept and respect his feelings, do not try to change them (not in your power).

I think that sharing with him that you are anxious is okay, in  a responsible way, that is, not going on and on about it and not expecting him to make the anxiety go away (not in his power).

I hope you feel better soon. Post again any time you’d like.

anita

Dear Vera:

Maybe the distance didn’t bother him before because he was just moved to Europe and was all excited and hopeful. At one point on, in his new life in Europe, he encountered problems (“Unfortunately there were always more and more problems which naturally affected him in a bad way”). Because of those problems, his excitement lessened and his distress and tiredness increased. In this emotional state he needed you more. Needing you more made the physical distance from you more of a problem.

You are worried that the relationship will end. There is no way to guarantee that it doesn’t happen, no way to make sure that it doesn’t. Relationships begin and end every day for millions of people. All you can do, Vera, all anyone can do is to increase the chances that a relationship will last, be healthy and last.

How to increase the chances? Don’t fight with him, respect him and his feelings, don’t argue with how he feels, don’t blame him for your anxiety, don’t expect him to eliminate your anxiety.

Manage your anxiety away from him and without him. For example, you can take a long walk every day outside, a few kilometers of walking every day. That is one thing you can make part of your daily routine to manage anxiety. There are more ways.

You have to come to a place of acceptance and peace with the possibility of the relationship ending, that is, to no longer be so afraid that it will end. The chances of the relationship lasting and lasting will increase if you accept the possibility that it will end.

(When you are so afraid that it will end, you are… well, very afraid, anxious. The more anxious you are the more likely that you will act in ways that will harm the relationship, and therefore, the more chances are that it will end).

anita