I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am anyone has even read my thoughts. I feel like for this once instance I am heard. I am writing today in more pain, and tears filling up my eyes. I know this relationship is now toxic to me and it feels like I’m being consumed by a dark void. The kind where you see it starting at your feet but your paralyzed watching it move slowly to your face. You know you’re going to drown and you start visualizing how bad it’s going to be.

The more you visualize the greater the pain. The cycle never ends.

She did me a favor today and took me to get my car inspected. She was my ride home. Immediately as I entered her car it was I drove too fast in front of her, she hates my driving. She wishes she didn’t have to help me.  As I was driving I put my hand on a plastic bag, and lifted it up. She snatched it out of my hand and started calling me paranoid and a bunch of other descriptive words. I said I don’t care what was in it, it was an impulse to pick it up. It sent her on a spiraling rampage about it, and the only thing out of my mouth she wanted to hear was sorry. I tried to speak up to say “Hey, what just happened. I did not accuse or call you shady for your bag”.  Please note it was literally a bag of tissues.  The anger didn’t stop. We arrived home for her to storm out of the car, slam the door and go to our room. I entered the room (Which I regret) and she continues how my actions ruin this relationship. My paranoia is the cause of all of the problem and maybe my actions are why people do what they do to me. She says she can see why girls cheat on me. In my head I hear this a lot from her, but I try to say being told the way I act is why girls cheat on me doesn’t actually make me feel safe with you. She threw another secret Ive told her in my face and when I confronted her about it she laughs. She said again maybe this marriage isn’t a good idea. So I finally said, fine. You can’t keep saying that shit and take it back.  So here I am. Mounds of work to do but I can never get a jump start on my life because I can never relax.

I emailed a counselor just now as well. I want her to go with me. Im not sure she will. I wasn’t able to explain or get one word in today bc she screams and says if I talk it’s going to kill the baby. Yeah she says that to me a lot too. Mostly bc she had a mis carriage a few months back. We weren’t far along and we never heard a heart beat. Never a trace of a baby at all. Doctor said it was probably just chemicals or something. Anyway, anytime we fight she knows how bad I was hurt from it so she’ll say I was the reason.

I don’t know, I just don’t get how someone can be so cruel. Not have a conscience about how they affect another person. She is so empathetic about everything else and everyone else. However something about me makes her not give a damn. It’s really strange.

How would you feel about yourself if the one person you want and choose to be intimate with just wants you to suffer. Is that her plan?

I don’t know. She said my mom raised me to be a victim whenever I speak up for myself.  Maybe she’s right. I just have never been treated in such a way in my entire life. We do have a baby coming. We have pets and a house. I don’t see how I can support everyone while being so sidetracked because Im depressed. I think ok she said were done, even though she says it just to be mean, do I just take it to the extreme? Do I suck all of this up so I can raise my baby everyday all day? Do I sacrifice my life to maybe give them a healthy one?

She seems juvenile to me. I feel like she projects so much onto me. I can’t even rant anymore. My tears have cleared up somewhat. It’s a struggle. Sincerely. I feel like I’m in a training camp for boxing. Gearing up for a 12 round war with my best friend. But the thing is You spar with your best friend too. So I am constantly in the ring with zero time off. I can’t go another round but the void is holding me up allowing my partner to keep taking jabs and uppercuts. I want to crawl in a corner just to wave my flag but I can’t. There is no corner to run to. It’s a circular cycle that you can’t avoid. It’s knowing life exists on other planets but your stuck on the moon.  There is no one to hear you scream. There is no one to reach out. It’s you and your perseverance. It’s your brain that can get you off of the void, but it can’t. It can’t because your getting your lights cleaned out by your partner. It’s the constant reboot. Control Alt Delete just isn’t working for me.

I will read your articles. I truly believe she has narcissistic personality disorder. Her anger rants are more than I ever thought possible.

Maybe I can convince myself enough is enough. I know It would take some time and I would be happy. But the lingering thought thats persists is, now I’ve made a deal with satan. This baby is coming and I know she’d be as spiteful to me as someone who has gotten their dog stolen.

Like I said, don’t feel sorry for me. There’s a ton of us out there. I just pray I find the courage.