Dear Mike:

You are 33. I didn’t understand your circumstances well enough: are you married to this woman and do you have a child with her?

Reads like a terrible relationship. You wrote that it is not easy for you to leave the relationship. Reads to me that it is necessary.

And she stays with you because…?

anita

Writing the post as a kind of stream of consciousness (which was very well done) is a good place to start to understand what issues belong to you and those that are your partners.

Start by breaking down your post and identifying and cognitive distortions (Below are common cognitive distortions) List the distortions that have shown up and ask yourself what payoff you might be getting for thinking that way. Notice (become mindful) of which type of distortion shows up the most. Under stress is there a tendency to frame the experience through that lens of this distortion? Did the distortions give you permission to focuses on what others may or may not be doing?  If so Its likely you identified a projection and shadow work is required.  (Google Shadow work or Shadow Dancing)

Once you remove the distortions you will be better able to identify the main issues that have gotten you to this present state of distress. It is likely that you will discover that there are not as many issues as you thought.

The experience of being overwhelm and lost may be due a feeling that an undefined everything was wrong. By taking time to breath and taking a honest look at your thinking you will be in a better place to deal with the issues that are in your power to deal with.

Cognitive Distortions

1. Filtering.

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization.

In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.

5. Catastrophizing.

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

6. Personalization.

Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.

7. Control Fallacies.

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness.

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us when we’re growing up and something doesn’t go our way, “Life isn’t always fair.” People who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it. Because life isn’t “fair” — things will not always work out in your favor, even when you think they should.

9. Blaming.

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds.

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

11. Emotional Reasoning.

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. Fallacy of Change.

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling.

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

14. Always Being Right.

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

Ok, here’s one:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

I don’t think you can fix this. You’re a reasonable person willing to take a look at himself and make adjustments as needed, but she isn’t capable of that if she’s a narcissist. They don’t have the ego strength to do that. They’ll blame others, lie, project onto others, anything but take an honest look at themselves. And what can you do at that point. If she doesn’t take any responsibility for her actions she won’t ever change, and it doesn’t matter how perfect you make yourself. She has a very profound personality disorder. It’s not the same as when you have two normal people who annoy each other at times or have some misunderstandings, or deep seated fears, or something of that nature.

Imagine if you had two people going to marriage counseling. Person A doesn’t manage his time well and is often late, which causes problems at times. Person B is a paranoid schizophrenic with homicidal tendencies. It doesn’t matter how hard Person A tries to work on his time management skills.