Dear Anita,

Thank you for the kind words. You don’t even know me and you want me to heal and get better. That’s one of the kindest thing I’ve heard (read). I am okay and getting better, not getting worse – that’s for sure, and that’s good.

I thought about it yesterday, about a possible situation when I would have bad intentions in taking those things from kitchen, and I can’t possibly imagine how, where it would come from, and what exactly those bad intentions would look like. I can’t. Me being so angry at her complaining that I cant stand it anymore? And then taking those things in this huge huge anger? To show her, to hurt her, to do this in such angry way, taking those things. I don’t feel such anger, and I surely would never act on this anger. I know she feels anger all the time so she expects me to. But I don’t.  I would never want to “revenge”. She, on the contrary feels this anger and she acts on it, that’s why she made a scene yesterday. So she did exactly what she accused me of. Being angry and acting on it.

Sorry If I won’t be able to relate to every word you wrote, but even if I don’t, I completely understood and I’m nodding my head right now. Well “showing” (I don’t know if it means the same in English as in my language, I’ll try to explain) according to her means something like perfidious, calculated, insidious act someone does to bother or sting someone on purpose, or better word – to revenge. Yes, that’s exactly what she means. (I won’t delete the other words but the last one is perfect here.)

Yes, many times she accuses people. I’ll recall some other but there were many ridiculous situations like she told me she wore a dress to work, and she has this woman at work and they don’t like each other, and she told me when she wore this dress, this other woman either:buys similar dress or shoes on purpose the next day, or:doesn’t leave her desk all day so that she wouldn’t have to look at her, because she’s jealous of her wearing nice dress. Or she buys clothes to show her she is better, to compete with her. Or grandma’s not appreciating she did shopping for her, not thanking -> because she loves other siblings more, helps and gives money to them, because she doesn’t love her as much as them. Accusing her brother he doesn’t call or visit (he works in france for 6 months in year, has a company and a 6-year old kid. whenever she sees him she says something bitter like: ohh you forgot about me already. you never call. will you ever visit me. They have a sister also and she doesn’t accuse her brother about not calling, she doesn’t care). When someone doesn’t invite her to a wedding, someone we do not even stay in touch with, she says it’s on purpose, because they don’t like her etc. Our neighbor made a noisy party – she says he does this specifically to bother HER, or us. Doing party only to bother us. Other neighbor’s kids don’t say good morning to her or us, or to anyone I assume, she says their mother told them to not say good morning specifically to her because they want to revenge for when she did renovations and made noise, and they’re jealous she renovated the flat, and they didn’t. She often accuses people of being jealous and doing something on purpose to get revenge. Those people very often don’t even think about it. When we moved out after divorce she said her friend didn’t call her at that time on purpose because she was afraid to get involved or have to help in any way. (that wasn’t true).She even said my friends do things on purpose like I have this guy I stopped being friends with, we grew apart and there were many reasons but we don’t hate each each other, we talk sometimes, just not that close anymore and we both are okay with it. And for last 3 years she keeps telling me how HE abandoned me, keeps asking me: so he still doesn’t text you or doesn’t want to meet? She knows perfectly we are not friends anymore and that was mutual, not that he abandoned me. Yes she still won’t let it go, and still reminds me that he abandoned me like it’s obvious for her that I want him to come back and it’s him who doesn’t.  Because it’s so obvious who would abandon whom. She once told me he didn’t send her birthday wishes on purpose. I guess he forgot or just didn’t care to do it anymore since we are not that close, I wouldn’t send wishes to his mother neither. Yet she accuses him of bad intentions and doing this on purpose. As I said I accepted the fact we are not friends but it’s still a bit painful to hear how he abandoned me, because he was important person for me and she knows it, but she kind of opens the wound. Isn’t she aware it could be painful for me to hear it? Who knows, she may be perfectly aware.

I might mentioned about my grandparents how they wanted to take my house from me and I forgave them. Recently we were talking about me having diabetes and I said, (kind of “joked”) it’s good I don’t need kidney or anything because that would mean I have to turn to my father’s family to ask them. She said “they would never help you” and I asked “why do think so, I know they “hate” me but I guess at least anyone of them would want to save my life, if it would be that serious… ” Which I believe is true, I don’t think they hate me that much they would want me to die, come on.. She insisted they would never ever help and let me die.

Additionaly, what is a regular behavior: everytime she yelled at me, (this happens all my life), everytime she gets angry and yells, I learned to withdraw, to just shut up and give up, I do this since I was a child. What she does is she comes to me ale yells about me not talking to her, everytime. So I have two scenes, one about something, and second one about being quiet and not talking (being offended in her opinion and doing this to specifically show her I’m offended – punishing her with silent treatment). Well, as in most situation I can’t defend myself here – speaking angers her so I learned to be quiet, I also don’t give a shit anymore about talking to her, I just leave. I once told her there is no possible way I would get out of this situation when she is angry and yells, I speak – she yells more, I am quiet – she yells I’m quiet and offended. I told her that several times. I have no options to get out of this. (And yes, I try to be very logical and reasonable, thank you for noticing this. )