Dear Anita

This house that my grandparents live, No I can’t move there. I tried several times to be in good relations with them, they don’t want that.  My mother is a half owner of this house after my father, and she also has plans with it. She sometimes says she will live there and I will have this flat, sometimes she says she wants this house for me, so that I would live in quiet area. Either way, I will have to fight with her to have my own place and not have a flat and a house that both “belong” to her and I can just live there. It will be tough. Or maybe not, maybe I will clearly state that I want this house. Anyway this is my hope for a better life.

Very often in my life I used to look for a person to save me, to see my pain, to finally help me and set me free.  I never succeeded because they didn’t care. Or maybe I didn’t see that I shouldn’t have had those expectations because the only person that can make me feel better and help me is myself.  Do you agree/did you realize that later? Or do you blame this person for not caring.

What made me feel good, he kissed me when he saw me. We talked about his parents, laughed a bit. I like it when he looks at me like he used to when we were dating.  He talked like he wants to keep meeting again, looking for reasons to come by. This substitute of a relationship gives me this much happiness, it’s ridiculous how my mind tricks me. And now this panic of losing a man who doesn’t even care about his girlfriend’s feelings (not only mine, which I kind of got used to). I wonder how he went back home and how he acted when she opened the door.

It was nice, although I recently realize we don’t have that much in common anymore and I lost some respect for him knowing what he does, that it was so easy to tempt him. I know he is not a good person and not that authority for me anymore. I mean, I did this because I love him, and I have issues. He doesn’t even have feelings for me, he just couldn’t resist the simple urge, knowing this would be cheating and he chose to live with this, only to fulfill this urge. Or maybe I’m too harsh for him and it’s nothing.

Again I cant cope with the emotions and have the urge to *do something*. I don’t even know what because most of my usual self harm activities I made forbidden to myself. So I Try to be reasonable. I was looking for replacement activities to cope with emotions but I think none of them would work.  So I’m just sitting here.