Dear joanna:

In what I re-read you mentioned repeatedly that you feel trapped.

You wrote: “I understand he is a bad person, but I can’t forgive myself I couldn’t make him love me, I keep analyzing … I could have been different… I always want to punish myself, why am I like that, why I can’t be the person he wants.”

My  understanding at this (advanced) point: you believe that this man is a good person and that you are a bad person. This is why you are not angry at him and instead, you are angry at yourself.

When interacting with him you suffer because he mistreats you. When away from him you suffer because you believe it was your fault that he mistreated you, because you are the bad person who is failing to make a good person love her… and you want to try again.

The trap in regard to him is just that: with him you suffer, away from him you suffer. Repeat.

What keeps you trapped is your core belief, that you are a bad person, that any mistreatment of you is an indication that you are a bad person.

And so, everyone who mistreats you gets a jail free card, access to you and even invitations by you to mistreat you again. The one who doesn’t get a jail free card is you, therefore you are indeed trapped.

anita