Hello Anita and Peter,

Thank you very much for writing back, I really appreciate it. 🙂

Anita- In terms of the little things to get to know myself I really do mean the little things..  such as what I wanted to eat, what hobbies I liked doing and what I wanted to wear. For a long time I let my boyfriend dictate what I wore e.g. you look fat in those jeans don’t wear them (I am a size 8 uk) or what shoes I wore e.g. ‘I don’t like flat shoes or buttons on clothes where something else’ . I also did hobbies that I didn’t like but didnt really think why I did them e.g. music lessons to please my dad, running to fit in with my boyfriends family. I am also lucky enough to have a horse and I have realised recently it’s not the horse per sea I was aiming for it was he feeling of belonging and friendship e.g the not aloneness I had growing up working at a horse yard saving up for a horse. That was quite a big thing for me as since the age of 11 I told myself I wanted a horse, but again didn’t really think why. My hobbies are now things I DO actually like.. Pilates, walking, writing, reading. I have also started speech therapy as I have a stammer and I have tried to avoid it for so long but now am trying to address it which is triggering and emotional.

I still have a long way to go with this.

My boyfriend and I are getting on better and in some ways things are great. I just have a sense of restlessness and unease at times. Like I should be somewhere else. I have had that feeling all my life though (except at the sstables) so it’s perhaps more to do with me than him. Sometimes it feels like I am subconsciously creating the relationship that I wanted with my family through him in the way we interact e.g. he sees me as a little girl not a woman I feel.

Peter- I really appreciate your tree quote. I find nature so reassuring and comforting. It also gives me hope that things DO change like the seasons change, even when by looking it doesn’t always seem that way day to day. I often go walking to a little wood not far from my home when i feel low and it doees help. Do you have any advice about how I could accept and even celebrate the aloneness I feel please?

Thank you very much for your help so far. 🙂