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  • #296547

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    I agree in wishing life were easier at times. I can also relate to feeling priviledged and lucky that we do have so many choices in the world but lacking internal direction of what to actually do to get there. Tony Robbins suggests “action”. So basically anything that is different could help get the ball rolling again. If you wanted to explore what you wanted to do as a job here, then I would be happy to help.

    The agony aunt “ask Polly” forum online has some good and funny replies to the kind of question you asked, and it tends to be along the lines of therapy, exercise and doing stuff. Perhaps set yourself some mini goals and see how you get on. I know for me, if I dont do anything all day and dont go outside, I feel bad about myself and guilty— I dont feel like soing anything— so I feel worse— whilst if I go for a run/walk etc then it kind of breaks those feelings and I seem to have more energy and motivation to actually do things once I am back inside.

    #296495

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

     

    I can empathise with your position of days merging into one and it being hard to face the world and deal with it. I struggle with this too and so I can say what has worked in the past for me but it does not always work.

     

    For me, things like involving being outside and movment have really helped as they help change my mind from one of “meh” to perhaps one with more energy. Sometimes little ideas come to me when I am walking or running and I try and follow them e.g an idea of making myself a proper lunch, or an idea for the garden, or work etc and so that can be nice when that happens. For me movement means running, walking or yoga. The biggest thing I have learned through this is that I do not always “feel” like going for a walk or doing yoga but actually once I am out there and doing it, just by doing the opposite of my mind, by not letting the thoughts stop me, I have “won”, so the actual exercise is a bonus. You could make it into a game where you make yourself go out for more exercise everday and make a note of 3 things you saw that inspired you outside eg like seeing a barn owl, a new flower on a plant etc so it helps your brain actively look for those things OR get a pedometer and set yourself the target of getting 10,000 steps (or more) a day in.. little things that could help.

    I guess you know this already, but no one is coming. Not God, not a parent, not anyone to save you. You could sit in your room all day for the rest of your life and nothing would change. I know it is obvious and I have definitely fallen into this thinking trap before, as it seems so HARD to make changes, but unless you do, they won’t happen. I wouldnt worry about what you change to start with eg it could be committing to 2 x walks a day instead of just one, or committing to looking for volunteer work that you may like etc .. it could just be one thing, but control over that one thing, knocks into other things in life (in my own experience) so you need to kind of experiment and find that/those things. Asking yourself questions such as: What did you enjoy as a child? What proffession do you secretly admire? What shows do you lije watching? Etc etc can help to try and rediscover those hidden parts of you.

    In terms of a job- perhaps you could write a kist of ideally would you like to do and either post it here or not, and I could help you consider options. You say you would like ‘a decent enough job” which, although better than being sat at home, is not that inspiring to think of.. what about if you could have “an amazing job that is fulfilling and you love”.. looking for that kind of job would be more exciting if you believed those feelings were possible…

    I know life is hard. Adulting is hard and it is hard sometimes to see a point and a reason to actually DO anything. I have struggled with these feelings before. For me, the answer is that say if I go for a run or hold down a job or volunteer, I feel better about myself mentally and physically than if I didnt do those things.. that feeling better then affects how I deal with people I meet in life from cashiers to my colleagues and then that all adds up. I also find I have more ideas when I am running or just finished running or after yoga which can make a very small difference in the world such as sending a card to someone, making a nice dinner, thinking of a new thing to try at work or a new business idea to try out or a hobby to try.. again I think those things are useful in that i dont get to them by thinking, they kind of come after exercise.

    In terms of your thoughts spinning. Mine do that. I NEED to get out of the house each day to put things in perspective so I would advise that if you start to spiral or do a quick 5 minute yoga session (I use yoga by adrienne on youtube for free) or guided meditations. Daniel Siegal does a good one called the “wheel of awareness” meditation which I find calming. Also there are talks by Tony Robbins on youtube that talk about how to xhange your mental state quickly, perhaps it is worth trying a few of those he describes and see what works for you.

    I hope you have a relaxing and non anxious evening.

     

     

     

     

     

    #292671

    nextsteps
    Participant

    In terms of liking evenings best..I used to like evenings best in that it felt like there was less pressure and the demands of the day were done so I was ‘allowed’ to relax and chill. In the evening, particularly dark, winter evenings, it feels like noone else could be doing great things either eg they were just chilling out too, which made it easier for me to switch off and relax. I also felt hope that tomorrow could be a better day. Is this anything like why you like evenings best? Or am I far from the mark?

    #292669

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hello Lostcatlady,

    You have explained your situation with more detail and I feel I understand a little better. It sounds like you are doing everything right in terms of self care, looking for other hobbies like badminton and sleeping well etc. I think tthat is a hard thing I have found in my own life too sometimes eg if I am doing everything I should and people say to do eg like exercise, eating well etc how do I still feel a bit “meh” or underwhelmed at times. Is that how you feel?

    Organising your photos sounds a task you can easily get lost in and I bet you will feel proud at the end that it is done. Do you have alot more left to do with this?

    Maybe your way forward could be to research jobs in the healthcare or social sector as by changing jobs you will automatically be in a new environment with the opportunity to make new friends. Alot easier said than done though I do appreciate.

    In terms of making friends I have found it best to try and find friends linked to my hobbies or classes I am doing. I do not have any “friends” at such from work. In terms of hobbies and classes I have taken a few over the years  but probably only gained aqauintences from them eg people i could go out for a drink with once in a while but that is it. I find it hard to make friends too..

    In terms of rumination and worry. I do this alot. I try to do it less now, but it is still more than I would like. Ways I have found to help me are to get up and do fast paced movement when i am ruminating eg squats, star jumps or sit ups-anything to break the mind pattern. Or go for a fast jog. Yoga also works for me as you have to be very present to figure out which is left and right! Other things include things like colouring or watching tv or reading a book – basically distractions or to try and turn it into small steps eg what one thing could I do right now to feel better and then go and do it. I wish there were a simple fix!

    #292541

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hello B,

    I really do understand your fears in this situation. It is hard to make the first move and harder when your brain says all these negative thoughts why you shouldnt etc. The important thing to remember is that your brain just says thoughts all the time and it soes not mean the thoughts are right. For example today I am working on building a website. Before i start this my brain comes up with lots of reasons why I shouldnt eg “I dont feel like it”, ” I am not good at IT”, “The website wont work or be a success”, “I am not creative enough” etc but once I START on the website as I will be lost in the moment of getting it done, those thoughts either a) wont matter or b) will be proved wrong. It could be a similar thing with you and your class. Once you broach the subject of a study group with a few people in your class, the feelings of pride and achievement you will feel for being the one taking the first step will be good. Something like “i was fearful of talking to these people and now look at me, right now i am doing it!”.

    This does not mean the experience of talking to them will be smooth and easy. It could be, but equally it could feel awkward, your heart pounding etc, but even if that is the case, you atill would of done a massive personal win/success by being the person to take the lead! Their response to doing a study group is neither here nor there and will not be personal in anyway.. but the fact that you did something despite your fear will stay with you as the class finishes and into life- so I would recommend you try it. I know personally I have missed opportunities for friends or aquaintences because i felt too shy to talk. It takes courage to ask about the study group but it will be worth it.

    You could prepare for asking them by preparing a line or two to say beforehand so if you get into the moment and your mind goes blank, you have that to fall back on. Maybe try speaking to 1 or 2 people you think look friendly such as those that dont look away when you make eye contact or seem to be smiling. Or with the person who seems.to be the leader in the class that could help you organise everyone for a study geoup or you could bite the bullet and turn around and speak to your guy you like. Another way could be speaking to the teacher saying you would be interested in a srudy group and could he/she make that annoucement in class to everyone, asking them to come and speak to you in the class break etc if they would be interested?

    In terms of not doing what a “nerdy girl” does, I am not sure what that means please could you explain? My only thought would be that in high school etc people are more defined by which group they belong to than actual adult life in a way eg it is not only “nerdy guys” that will be attracted to you/date you, other guys will be too. Hiding yourself and trying to conform to someone elses standard has only backfired for me in my own life.. only by being yourself do you find people who actually are a match for you friendship and romance wise.. so I would say try not to get bogged down in how a “nerdy girl” should be and just be yourself.

    Iplease let us know how you get on in class. 🙂

    #292497

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hello Lostcatlady,

    You have laid out your current situation very well here. I can appreciate it is scary having to find another job and worry about skills-job adverts can be particularly intimidating by fhe way they are written. I also understood from your post that you are not sure what your current passion is so you are not sure what job you would like to do in the future.

    I have been in a similar situation in terms of not feeling a “passion” driving me one way or another and every road at that point seems unclear/pointless and you feel under pressure to “do something quickly!!”.

    I dont have a proper answer to that from my own experience, maybe others here will have rhough. In my own life I didnt look for “passion” as that seemed like a too big thing eg how did i know if i felt “passionate” enough about something or if it was just fleeting?! I looked for little things that made me feel marginally happier or slightly more okay. At first these were very small things that I did for myself eg listening to a podcast I found myself enjoying, making a new recipe for tea .. small things that gave bits of joy. Then over time of repeatedly asking yourself “what would I like next?”, little thoughts come out of blue like “I wonder what it would be like if I… ” etc. This lead me to try new hobbies such as pottery, yoga and watersports. This does not mean all those hobbies stuck but by getting yourself to try 3-= (or more) you could find one hobby you can commit to over time. From your post it sounded like you had found some of your hobbies i in the past- Why did you stop watching anime? It sounded like you enjoyed it.

    It sounds like cats are a big part of your life/heart suggesting you enjoy caring for other beings, maybe you could extend that to say a day try out at an animal shelter (just so you can tick it off your list as either you defo dont want to volunteer there or you liked it more than you thought), volunteer in a care home or with children perhaps?

    I appreciate it is hard to know what to do when you dont feel motivated and low in energy. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to take care of yourself e.g exercise.

    Your skills are most likely transferable so maybe finding a new job with the security and friendly boss that you have currently- could you work for another company doing the same thing as you do now? Or find a small family run firm that you could work for locally to you as they tend to be more relaxed than big corporates?

    #290341

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Ha i meant we get what we need, not what we want! My mistake.

    #290339

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I dont think it is pathetic but I do think your thoughts have taken over your mind. I think that is very easy to do and all the “just dont think about her’s” in the world wont help.

    A few ways to try and make you think about her less is to:

    1) practice mindfulness. This sounds a bit homey pokey but actually just means focusing entirely on the present moment. It is easier to do if you are doing a task like cleaning the dishes or gardening- anything that you have to focus on. You make it your goal to do whatever it is as best you can and focus on it and you kind of get lost in the process and time goes by.

    2) run. If you go running you cant really run and think at the same time. A good break for your brain.

    3) get excited about something in your life that does not involve your ex. This could be anything but something you will feel proud of doing and regularly commit time to. For me this is yoga.

    4) accept you feel how you feel. Eg right now you still miss her. That is 100% okay and valid but you can miss her AND progress with your life. In fact this is what I would say 99.9% of people have done at some point or other. This way you arent fighting against missing her, you just are. That is okay. It just means it will take more time.

    5) if you really really really want her back then leave your girlfriend and go round and aee her. But I feel that maybe you dont want that. Like you want the idea of her back but maybe not her?? I dont know. Maybe you do rreally really want her back and it sucks as she is with someone else, but if that is the case then that is just how it is. Life is not here all the time, to make us happy, and often we get what we want not what we need- que rolling stones song.. so you can miss her and carry on being an awesome person! You arent ruined or broken or anything else because she is no longer in your life.

    6) go to therapy. Try online therapy such as betterhelp or talkspace if you dont want to go face to face. It will help. If u are already going and i missed it in your post, ignore this one.

    7) volunteer or do something to help a cause you beleive in eg make it your mission to do a random act of kindness each day eg focus on something else other than your ex.

    8) accept you will be sad at times and it will hurt. Sometimes it will feel like it hurts for the very first time all over again. It will pass.

     

    9) read “ask polly” agony aunt questions online-they are funny and you may find some advice in there that relate to your situation.

     

    I have followed your thread for a while. I want you to feel better and to start to be able to feel more at peace. It sounds exhausting how things are now. Take good care of yourself.

    #289707

    nextsteps
    Participant

    I think what I am trying to say is, getting ahead is only good if you want to be ahead int that area. What I see most inspiring is passion. This could be at work eg a passionate chef, woodworker, animator, nurse etc or it could be as a hobby such as passionate about gardening, writing, running or in relationships eg friendship or parenthood.. it is the passion, not the activity that counts. If you have passion you care about the task for an intrinsic reason (read zrn and the art of motorcycle maintenance for more on this) and therefore whatever you do is of better quality. Maybe your search could be more for passion? Eg if youn find a club you love and are passionate about, it will be the right fit for you.

    #289701

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi Ashley,

    I thought I had not more to add but as I was reading your last posts it sprung to mind that you reminded me a little bit of a colleague I work with and get on well with. What I write next is based on that, but I could be projecting and completly wrong in that I only see what I know or infer about you from writing only on these posts.

    My colleague works incredibly hard, she often works long long hours, complains about the manager not being any good and oeganises lots of additional meetings. She is very good at her job and successful, eg on various boards for things. She often complains and says why is she the only one doing overtime when others arent? Why is she the one tired and busy? Almost like doing a sprint when everyone else is just walking along at their own pace. For her I know it is a geat source of frustration at this eg why cant more people be like her? More work would get done and it would be better.

    However I think it comes back to values and why you are doing something. Eg maybe she values regonition and success more than say flexibility or a peaceful life-there is no right of wrong but it shows why people arent magically going to change to be like her eg start running but perhaps she could slow down a bit and walk with the rest of the team, not because it is lowering standards but because it is healthier for her.

    You mentioned about needing to keep movig and working etc and I would be interested to know why? Why do you want to go higher and higher? It sounds like you are rich and successful already eg the swiss watch etc so why do you need more money? More things? More status? What are you looking for? I think this is a very common thing in the world and of course you can be rich and happy, but it sounds from all the moving and stress associated with getting ahead in the company that it is quite lonely and often not al that glittery or exciting-This is my inference from your words but I could be wrong. Maybe the cycling and other hobbies is a trial and error time to find what makes you happy and belong outside of work and that could your focus for a while?

    It could be related to what Mark said about love vs fear, if it is genuine love that keeps you motivated at your job eg you feel a stable calm inside or a fizziness or joy based on your job day to day, and not just the success or end of a project then you are clearly on the right track, but if you are more doing and doing because of fear eg fear of not making the most of your qualifications, a fear to be someone and make it etc then it is good to take a step back and reassess what you want tto do. You dont have to be a high flier to have friends or be liked or be loved-you are 200% okay exactly how you are.

    It sounds like you have done alot of job changes in the past so maybe a new one that is more stable is on the cards.

    Also, you say (and I could be wrong here as my phone wont let me scroll back up to your oost) something like people judge you for who you are and you judge them for what they are.. i dont understand that sentence. If having an education from X, driving a Y car and living in xx district is what they are, how does this denoate if they are worth a friendship and trust with? Taking extreme examples like the guy from the film wolf on wall street or donald trump, yes they have alot of “whats” but do I respect those people? No. If i dont respect someone, i wont want to forge a relationship with them and so in my own way I would cut off the friendship before it even starts. It takes alot to be vulnerable, let down the walls and trust a friendship and so you need someone who has the capability for empathy, humour and non judgement to you for this to occur. Cycling sounds good, as it is active meaning you focus on your body more than your mind and I can imagine it is more like small talk or chit chat for a few sessions before friendships grow, this could be a great opportunity for you to have that stability- best of luck! 🙂

     

    #289387

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hello Jerome,

    I saw this post and felt I would like to reply as I have been running since started again in Jan 2019.

    I can understand and have experienced the same thing as you in the past in that it is much easier and better in the short term to chill at home or do anything but run or do ecercise. It can feel like a chore and it is tiring and often in the UK, cold. The only thing that separates those that run compared fo those that dont, is willpower to actually get your trainers on and get outside. There is a good Mark Manson article about the difference between children, teenagers and adults, which says something along the lines of: adults do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing, and that is reward enough eg through positive self esteem, confidence etc.

    To get me started I tried to make it as easy as possible. So if i got my trainers on and went outside and ran say 100m, that was still classed as a “win”. I made sure every run was a positive one. I run every day. Some days 100m feels all I can manage, but often once i have started to run, it all kind of flows, or somedays I will run for longer. Parkrun or runnibg groups may help too.

    I also try and make sure i dont think about running, i just go. I have done this by making it a non negoitable item of my day to run and try not to let my brain jump in and think at the decision point. Looking at Mel Robbins 5 second rule could help?

    Also, the days i feel less inspired I look at Ukrunchat on twitter and their inspirational stories can give me a mini boost to get out, so that may work?

    Another thing could be to really feel or write down in a journal how you feel after running tto how you feel on the days you dont to look back on when you are feeling unmotivated. Running is like a leap of faith in a way, as you run, then the good or sometimes neutral feelings come, but so much mentally gets in the way between thinking you want to run and actually getting out of the house, so it is finding ways to ignore that. It could be that you could run before breakfast or a shower, tthis means you HAVE to run if you want either of those things. In my experience it is bard to motivate myself to run after a day at work and commute then it is (for me) first thing.

    I think the key is to be kind to yourself, focus on the why you want to run, remind yourself of the benefits of running and celebrate every sucess. If you put your shoes on and go for a jog round the garden or to the shop and back, that is still a win! Dont worry about the distance or keeping track. I used to have a fitbit but found all the stats actually made it easier to feel bad about myself if i didnt do enough steps compared to the previous day. Focus on doing the activity itself and building a habit and the rest will just fall into place.

     

    All the very best of luck! Let us know how you get on. 🙂

     

    #288913

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hello Ashley,

     

    I was pulling up weeds in my garden and your thread popped into my mind so I thought I would reply with my two pence worth.

     

    I think it can be hard to find your tribe, particularly as you get older as people have partners, children, family and it is hard to find time for good friends let alone make new ones. I empathise with you looking for true friends when moving around so much, I have stayed in one place, but still find it hard!

     

    I did wonder from the tone of your messages that do you still want to be moving around so much with your work? Or would you prefer to stay in one city? It is really great that you have been and are so successful, I think that is inspirational to many people, but maybe your quest for your tribe is also about wanting more stability in your life in general? I could be wayyy off the mark here so please ignore if you dont think it fits your dituation.

    The second thing I thought was that we begin the world with nothing and leave with nothing, and we are all looking for the same thing eg human connection, so that could be your focus of conversation. What matters to me most about a person is their values eg are rhey kind or caring or considerate etc not what job they do or status they have. So perhaps you could look for ways to demonstrate your values.

    The third thing I thought as that maybe you should try working with animals for a short while. This may sound a bit unrelated to your question, but the reason I say that, is prey animals such as horses, sheep, cattle give you instant and honest feedback on how well you communicate with them in their language-body language, posture etc. They also do not hold a grudge so if you do the communication “wrong” and correct it they respond to the correction as they live in the moment. This allows you to constantly adjust and tweak your body language to influence them. This may also help in human social interactions eg reading body language etc. Animals are honest and forgiving and can hold a mirror in many cases to strengths and weaknesses. I have experienced that myself.

    The other thing I thought of was that you could try either of these things. 1) join a club that plays to your debator type strengths such as toastmasters or a debating society. These people may be more like your tribe than others Or 2) try something you know you havent done before or isnt a strength eg for me this is like a an art class or pottery class. By starting at the bottom and being eager to learn you may find you make connections that way. 3) volunteer for a cause you believe in eg red cross etc. Then your organisation and problem solving skills will be seen as strenghts and by physically doing things with others in a team for a common goal you all believe in it could be easier to find people with things you have in common.

     

    Take care of yourself.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #280147

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi all,

     

    Michelle- your holiday sounds so idyllic. I really hope you enjoy the time away. 🙂

    Shelby- It sounds like V day is not being great so far. It is like the universe is showing you what you perhaps could have in the future eg you could be the person getting flowers in the office. Alot can happen in a year. To make the best of it maybe you could stop by the shop on the way home and make yourself the lerfect meal, or go and treat yourself with a budget limit such as £5 or £10 of all the nice soaps, conditioners etc in mini bottles you would like but never buy at the supermarket and have a pampering evening? 🙂

    I was once told a real story from a man whos wife had left him. He said he watched the milenium fireworks on his own in his house wwith his kids and felt alone, but now he has been marrried for 10 years and has a new joint family and earns good money etc. It sounds like a fairytale but it isnt as I know him. The point is that things may seem sad now, but in the future you may be happy again and find peace.

     

    In regards to your ex on the pedestal. I think you cant take him down from there or accept anything until it is the right time. And you will know when that is e.g there is no forcing. It is what it is and you feel how you feel. So that kind of takes the pressure off. I try and think that people i have loved are still with me in a way as i am a different person for having known them and you cant erase memories. That can seem sad as that person who you love is no longer in your life, but no matter where you go you both have a shared history that cant be undone and you both taught each other things. Every time you recall the lesson, you recall him. I bet that is really sad now but hopefully overtime it is more like a smile. On my very worst days i often think well in another universe/world we would be together – that is abit sappy but it helps to think of the idea that somewhere things are working out for the best, when jt can seem to be a struggle seeing it for the best day to day in your own life. I wish there was a magic pill! Pain is the flip side of love- like the whole “for every force there is an opposite and equal force acting against it” idea.

     

    As regards to your ex’s gifts, it could just of been he didnt buy into the whole valentines thing (like i dont either) so didnt see a reason to go with the masses. It sounded like he got you thoughtful, practical gifts he knew you would like. However it is totally acceptable to feel let down as the media and society kind of suggest roses, wine and chocolate are the way to go.

     

    Hope you nave a good day x

    #279727

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hello Again!

     

    Just had a few more thoughts whilst out walking. When I have felt my lowest I actively searched online for things to make me feel better and came across two free things to do:

     

    https://mobile.twitter.com/sharesmiles1 – a anonymous gift company set up in Brighton. This is my first month doing it. You basically get given someone in the UK to buy or make a gift for based on what they like and someone does the same for you. This wont make me happy per sea but it is nice to get creative to give a good gift to someone else and imagine them opening it.

    2) Henpals-letter writing to people in care homes who have been given hens to look after https://equalarts.org.uk/our-work/henpower  i dont know anything about hens or art but I wrote something!

     

    Another two good book suggestions could be:

    1) the dark night of the soul by Thomas Moore – I re read this alot. Just having someone like the author of the book who has veen through what you are feeling is helpful.

    2) fictional book called “Eleanor Oliphant is completly fine”.. a really uplifting and moving book, that could be a good distraction.

    When I realised I had to move on I had kind of lost myself in sadness and myself as a person. I somehow didnt do alot of the “growing up” as a teenager so I didnt really know who I was at all. It felt and still does, like groping around blind in the dark. It is also easy to compare to others at a similar age (I am 28) and to think they have it all together etc or are “further on” in life etc, but zI think everyone is groping around in the dark or has done at some point or will do in the future again. For me I tried to follow my little voice every time-just as you did with going swimming Shelby, when it would of been so easy to stay in bed. It is like that good wolf and bad wolf story about two wolves inside fighting and it is the one you feed that wins out. For me that led me to do ALOT of sifferent classes, go on a solo trip, volunteer, etc but also small things like learn how to make bread, buy some new face cream etc. The little things can make you a little happy too. Xx

    #279713

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hello All,

    I hope everyone is doing okay today. I read the latest conversations and would like to add my input in case it helps- and conversly this thread is helpful in a way as it shows everyone is human and goes through similar things, as heartbreak can feel very lonely.

    I think the points that Kkasko and Michelle rasied were good, about basically accepting where you are and not relying on someone else for a life you want, but that is really hard, although its the path, as we as humans and society sort of buy into that idea that finding that one person who gets you is vital to happiness and it cant just be a friend of the same sex, it has to be “the one” guy with all the sexual chemistry etc. So I think its only natural to want and need to an extent that closeness and that bond, and it is frustrating and can feel hopeless if you HAVE felt that way and that situation is now in the past. It is one thing factually and rationally wanting to move on and do affirmations and envisage a new, brilliant life, but I think the heart and emotions are powerful and cling onto that feeling and that hope long after it has gone. It is so so so painful to confront the facts, as for me, it felt like being stabbed in the heart every time I would remember the facts and then I would feel hopeless and spiral downwards or worse feel numb and utterly hopeless. These feelings lasted a long while so I think it takes as long as it takes and wanting to be over someone is a really good atart in the right direction, but it doesnt make it true.

     

    What helped me was kind of what Michelle said earlier on, I sort of accepted I would NEVER get over him and so would always feel that sense of loss and those feelings if i saw him, and so if i accepted that and also accepted he didnt want me in his life, then I had to attend to my own life. That being so I made small positive steps into a direction thaf looked like forwards at the time. This could be like having a hot bath and a chill evening to be kind to myself or joining a volunteering type club or journalling. What I find vard about this is that some days i just dont feel positive at all – despite some days taking medication- so on those days it is easy to thi k “i am making no progress” and “i will always feel like this” and retreat back into bed, when actually on better days there is slow and steady forward movement. It is a process and not fun at all, but it takes as long as it takes. How I try and judge my life now is that when I go to sleep have I done at least one thing that is meaningful to me? I also try my best to stick to a routine eg eat healthy, run, etc and treat that as what I HAVE to do, as 1) if I do it, i have a little self esteem boost eg see I can beat my mind and 2) I have a bit more energy. Days like today when I am feeling meh! I dont see the point at all, but it is kind of ignoring that thought and doing it anyway  – even if it is just getting my trainers ib and running 100m it is still a “win”.

     

    Also, a sign i knew i had to get my life together was that i really admired the fact he DID have his life together and a clear plan. I wanted that alot so that was part of what i found attractive eg by looking at WHY in particular you liked him (aside from the feelings you have together) that can help tailor your next steps.

    Today I was walking outside with the sun on my face and I really really appreciated that momentary bit of warmth and contentment. I think its about squeezing the joy about the little tiny things. Happiness is a big goal and not one I have attained, but because I have had some serious lows, I really do appreciate rthe small good moments. My moods seem to change so much daily so one way of remembering those small good things is writing them down on days where your mind is calmer and not churning so much. Some days I find i seem to have more resilience and distance from the facts and it all seems more manageable so that could be cause of celebration! Another way would be to meditate – made easier on those days your mind naturally feels calmer. It is nice to have a temporary break from your thoughts.

    However, I think recovery is hard and feels like one step forward, one back and some days just suck. Eg I asked to use the bathroom in a shop, the shop assisstant said bo and tears sprung to my eyes.. and i left the shop asap. That was a bad day, but on another day, that wouldnt of been an issue at all.

    If you read, books could help like HSP by Judith Phd or for me, exercise and cooking comfort food also works well as a distraction.

    II can appreciate how you feel as it can feel like the colour and joy has been sucked out of life and there is no end, but there are small chinks of goodness every day. One last thing would be that it is tempting (as i did) to think “i am broken” why isnt he or just feel like such a mess of emotions and thoughts that I would feel like I am faking all the time at work as i try to go about my day, but actually i think everyone is a bundle of feelings and emotions, and it is just an emotionally triggering and hard time. There are no shoulds at all. It is what it is and it takes as long as it does. Therapy can be so helpful ib making you see WHY it is hard. For example for me, i fell for someone hard and instantly trusted him because he subconsciously reminded me of an old childhood male friend who i was so close with until one day he decided not to be friends. I was heartbroken and he was fine.. so she suggested me finding it hard to move on is rlated to that past relationship as a child and the fact that I wasnt seen at home at all and just criticised so when someone comes along who is non judging and open, it is no wonder it takes time to move on as you are kind of nourning two things- the current trauma ans tbe past one. It also made me feel angry eg life isnt fair and if I HAD been seen and validated as a child it may have led to different events happening as an adult. Sorry to go off piste- my point is, it may be painful based on past experiences, adding to a cumulative effect, not just the loss of this one person.

     

    I really hope you are both doing okay. We are always here at Tiny bhudda x

     

     

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