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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 475 replies, has 17 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 days, 20 hours ago.

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  • #290339

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I dont think it is pathetic but I do think your thoughts have taken over your mind. I think that is very easy to do and all the “just dont think about her’s” in the world wont help.

    A few ways to try and make you think about her less is to:

    1) practice mindfulness. This sounds a bit homey pokey but actually just means focusing entirely on the present moment. It is easier to do if you are doing a task like cleaning the dishes or gardening- anything that you have to focus on. You make it your goal to do whatever it is as best you can and focus on it and you kind of get lost in the process and time goes by.

    2) run. If you go running you cant really run and think at the same time. A good break for your brain.

    3) get excited about something in your life that does not involve your ex. This could be anything but something you will feel proud of doing and regularly commit time to. For me this is yoga.

    4) accept you feel how you feel. Eg right now you still miss her. That is 100% okay and valid but you can miss her AND progress with your life. In fact this is what I would say 99.9% of people have done at some point or other. This way you arent fighting against missing her, you just are. That is okay. It just means it will take more time.

    5) if you really really really want her back then leave your girlfriend and go round and aee her. But I feel that maybe you dont want that. Like you want the idea of her back but maybe not her?? I dont know. Maybe you do rreally really want her back and it sucks as she is with someone else, but if that is the case then that is just how it is. Life is not here all the time, to make us happy, and often we get what we want not what we need- que rolling stones song.. so you can miss her and carry on being an awesome person! You arent ruined or broken or anything else because she is no longer in your life.

    6) go to therapy. Try online therapy such as betterhelp or talkspace if you dont want to go face to face. It will help. If u are already going and i missed it in your post, ignore this one.

    7) volunteer or do something to help a cause you beleive in eg make it your mission to do a random act of kindness each day eg focus on something else other than your ex.

    8) accept you will be sad at times and it will hurt. Sometimes it will feel like it hurts for the very first time all over again. It will pass.

     

    9) read “ask polly” agony aunt questions online-they are funny and you may find some advice in there that relate to your situation.

     

    I have followed your thread for a while. I want you to feel better and to start to be able to feel more at peace. It sounds exhausting how things are now. Take good care of yourself.

    #290341

    nextsteps
    Participant

    Ha i meant we get what we need, not what we want! My mistake.

    #291205

    Valora
    Participant

    you make several valid points.  I do need to move on, bad.  I do need to end this thing I have now.  I think what really bothers me is that my ex was the one that reached out to me this last time(last december).  I know i don’t know any meaning behind things she did say, however there are a few things that just keep bouncing in my head.  Why did she say, ” I think of you often” and when i stopped texting, why did she get not upset, but wondering where I went?  It really makes me wonder if she was having second thoughts and was feeling out my situation.  Even though she has a boyfriend( extreme long distance relationship), and she knew i have a girlfriend.

    When you think about those things, why she said or did what she did, do you tend to read into them? Because that’s what’s not helping you to move on. My ex contacted me to say “Happy Thanksgiving.” Then right before Christmas, contacted me again to ask if he’d left skiis at my house and he did but then he never came and got them. Who even knows why these people do the things they do. The fact is, it’s now almost May. It’s been almost 5 months since she’s contacted you. I know you said you’d blocked her, but does she know how to get a hold of you if she really wants to? And has she?

    Your breakup has been almost as long as mine and, although I still think about my ex sometimes, too, it helps to come to terms with the fact of things as they are. She isn’t in your life right now, and that’s all you need to know at the moment, you know? If she was gauging your situation, well you were still with your girlfriend and you’re still with her even now, so nothing can change at least until you change your current situation.

    If she were to contact me and want me back.  I would have no  hesitation….  again. how pathetic am i?….

    You would HAVE to have hesitation though because you’re still with someone right now.  You’re worried about kicking your girlfriend out because of her situation but if your ex came back you’d have no hesitation?  What does that tell you?

    #291427

    John
    Participant

    Your breakup has been almost as long as mine and, although I still think about my ex sometimes, too, it helps to come to terms with the fact of things as they are. She isn’t in your life right now, and that’s all you need to know at the moment, you know? If she was gauging your situation, well you were still with your girlfriend and you’re still with her even now, so nothing can change at least until you change your current situation.

     

    Yes, i need to change my situation.  I’m trying to do that.  My brain and heart is so freaking messed  up.  One moment i think i just need to forget her and dismiss the thought of ever seeing her again, then the next.  All I can think about  is seeing her and re-kindling what we had.  Yet, i know if she wanted it she had plenty of opportunity to go after it.  I hurt so much every day for so many reasons.

    I really think what you’ve all said about me meeting the right person will kill any thoughts or feelings I have for her.  I do think you all are right.  How am I supposed to meet that right person though.  Someone who is just like her.  She is the one I want… the one i need.  I wish things were simple and you could just tell someone these things without it coming across needy or clingy.  I wish so many things.  I feel like i’m stuck in this fantasy land or love story that isn’t over, even thought it is.

    My girlfriend asked me what it was about her.  I told her i don’t know.  Honestly I don’t.   I love all the things about her, even the bad things.  I don’t know why or what the hell.   that line “you complete me” says it all.  Cause she did.  I never felt whole until i met her.  I really think I am going insane.  That’s what it feels like.  Everyday is groundhog day for me.  Everyday i still wake up thinking about her, thinking about what went wrong and how fast it went wrong, wondering if she is really telling me everything.  Thinking how I forgave her already for anything that she could of done.  thinking that all i need is to here from her.  For her to hold  my hand again and tell me that she does love me and miss me too.

    If she were to contact me and want me back.  I would have no  hesitation….  again. how pathetic am i?….

    You would HAVE to have hesitation though because you’re still with someone right now.  You’re worried about kicking your girlfriend out because of her situation but if your ex came back you’d have no hesitation?  What does that tell you?

    That tells me I need to be done.  that I need to end this now, no matter the hurt or consequences.  I just have such a hard time hurting someone like this.

    I really should have never started dating again.  Never.   I have so many regrets.  I feel like i’m just one big broken freaking screw up.

    damnit i’m crying again.  i really have begun to hate myself and my life.  I have so much to be thankful for, but at the same time.  I just don’t want to live anymore.  Everyday is a struggle.  A monotonous daily routine that turns in to week, month, year.  no matter how hard i try to change things, it all goes back the way it was.  to shit.

    I miss her so much.  I really don’t understand what’s wrong with me and why i can’t just let go.

    thanks for listening.  I really needed this.  I’ll keep you posted

    #291459

    Valora
    Participant

    I really think what you’ve all said about me meeting the right person will kill any thoughts or feelings I have for her.  I do think you all are right.  How am I supposed to meet that right person though.  Someone who is just like her.  She is the one I want… the one i need.  I wish things were simple and you could just tell someone these things without it coming across needy or clingy.  I wish so many things.  I feel like i’m stuck in this fantasy land or love story that isn’t over, even thought it is.

    That’s the thing, though, John. Your mind is telling you that you need someone exactly like her, but that’s not true. You two didn’t work. That’s why you broke up. Something needed to change for you two to be able to work, so you don’t need someone just like her (or who she was when you dated)… you need someone that really fits you… either her changed into someone more mature or someone else entirely, but if you get someone exactly like she was when you were dating, you’ll have the same problems and break up like before. Our minds think we know what we need but we only know what we want. We DON’T always know what’s best for us, no matter how strongly we feel about it.

    Your ex gave you a taste of what a real great relationship was like, but only a temporary one. That’s what you’re desperately clinging onto now, but it’s only making you suffer and potentially keeping you from someone who is truly long-term great. And remember…. the way she left wasn’t great. The fact that she started dating someone else so quickly wasn’t great. The way you’ve felt for the past year and a half hasn’t been great… so she is not as great as your mind and heart want to believe. She needed to change, too, and based on your interactions with her in January, she still had some maturing to do, even then.

    You just have to do whatever you can to get yourself to the point where you will LET yourself let go. You’re not to that point yet, which is why you’re still thinking about it so strongly and suffering so much.  I know it’s possible because I am finally to that point.  I haven’t let go of my ex completely (and that’s okay. You don’t have to either) because I still think of him probably daily but I don’t get emotional about it anymore, and I’m able to just let those thoughts pass and remind myself that there is still someone out there, but now isn’t a great time for him to come into my life anyway because I have so much going on. And it would be a TERRIBLE time for yours to come into your life now, too. Your life isn’t open to it because you’re still attached to 2 people, your girlfriend and your ex.

    That tells me I need to be done.  that I need to end this now, no matter the hurt or consequences.  I just have such a hard time hurting someone like this.

    Absolutely. And I get that it’s hard but think of it this way…. you have been dragging this out since AT LEAST October… so that’s 6 months. If you’d broken up with your girlfriend back then, which still would’ve been terrible timing, just like it is now, she would’ve had the last 6 months to grieve, get situated, and maybe even meet someone who would be a better fit for her. Your prolonging the relationship is keeping her from that. And just like then and now, there isn’t going to be a perfect time for a breakup, so you just have to do it now. Get on with it so you can both move on and stop feeling so terrible. Especially with you getting so frustrated with your life that you don’t want to live it. You need to change your situation for yourself and your kids more than anything.

    Good luck! And definitely keep us posted.

    #293667

    John
    Participant

    well, it’s been a couple weeks.  Still thinking about her.  I really think the summers are the worst.  We had so much fun in the summer.  We did so much together.  It felt like every other weekend we were taking a trip somewhere, going to some kind of festival, going riding, or something.  Looking back, it really was one of the best summers of my life, if not the best.  God I miss her.  It’s getting bad sometimes.  When i close my eyes I see her face or her legs or her foot with her little columbine flower on it.   I still remember everything she loves and likes.  I remember everything.   I really wish i could forget.

    Every time I hear that song “boys of summer” by Don henley.  I think of her.  man.  what i wouldn’t give just to hold her one more time.  to feel her hand in mine.  See her eyes again.

    Just needed to vent a little bit.

    #293675

    Valora
    Participant

    Vent whenever you need! But what steps have you taken since you last posted to help you to not think of her so much? Taking steps towards that is the only way you’re actually going to feel better. I don’t think you really wish you could forget. I think it’s more likely you’re holding on tightly because you just want her back… but it’s not going to happen when you’re in this state of lack or feeling like she’s missing. That pushes love away.

    I still think of my ex, too. He actually just crossed my mind a little bit ago… but I don’t indulge the way you do and I think you shouldn’t let yourself indulge like that anymore either. You can miss the times you had together and the things you did, and I think that’s normal, but when it crosses over to constantly thinking about the things she loves and the way she looked and just keeping your focus on that and lamenting over how much you miss her, you’re only making things worse. Actively switch your thoughts to something else when that happens, focus on something that makes you feel GOOD. Trust me on this one.

    #297271

    John
    Participant
    1. Hello Valora. I just want to say I really appreciate your responses on here. They really do help.

    So. The last couple weeks have t been too bad until yesterday and today.  Some friends of mine have a relative that go to the same school as my ex’s son. They went to his graduation party last weekend and were talking about it.

    That really brought back a lot of emotion in me. Hearing about their relative made me think about her son. And what was supposed to be after he graduated this year.

    Many of  you all know. When we were together we were on what we called the “2 year plan”. This plan was that after her son graduated high school. She was going to move up to my town and we were really gonna start the rest of our lives together. In my mind. This is when I was going to ask her to marry me.

    So I guess this date in time really hit me hard these last couple days. I tried to think of other things. I even went riding with my friend and his wife which was nice. I haven’t done that in a while. However it brought back memories of the first time I went riding with my ex. We met the same friend and wife their and we had an amazing day.  I feel like such a fool. I don’t know how to have these memories and not have them hurt. I wish I could just remeber and be happy for the time I had.

    I really am trying to focus my energy on different things   If it still feels like there is always something there  that reminds me of her.  Just like that song by the naked eyes

    I cried again today. Two different times. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I really do try to take steps to not,  it it just feels like it’s getting worse.

    I wonder if it’s because this is the longest I’ve gone without contact with her. It’s been 5 months now. Maybe I’m really finally grieving?  I don’t know. I do know it still hurts like it was yesterday.

    Thanks again for listening.

    #297273

    Valora
    Participant

    You’re welcome! If it helps, I know exactly how you feel. haha. My ex and I had planned on getting married this year. It can be tough around those special dates, and I think that’s understandable. It’s going to hurt sometimes and I don’t think there’s a way to make it NOT hurt until it just doesn’t anymore, but the important thing is to try not to linger in the thoughts. Feel the feelings and just let them pass without judgment on how you’re feeling at the time. It’s okay and understandable that these things still hurt.

    I guess I had a similar weekend as you did. I went out to watch a friend’s band play, and people kept asking about my ex, which is weird because we’ve been broken up for a year and a half, but it definitely does make you think about them more when people bring up their name.  I’ve also gone 5 months without contact with him and it’s also been the longest we’ve ever been not in contact (the longest before was only a month), so that’s kind of weird that we’re both sort of on the same timeline right now, but at least I get how you’re feeling. It comes in waves, right? You’re okay and then you’re not, then you’re okay and then you’re not. I experienced that the most last year when I was grieving the hardest. It’s back a little bit now, too, because I’m going through a custody battle and he was there for me at the beginning of it, and I’d really like to talk to him about it but I’m refraining. Anyway, you just have to ride out the waves.

    I do hope you feel better soon. Try not to fight the feelings when they come (you’re having them for a reason and fighting them is like telling yourself you shouldn’t be having them), but keep trying not to let yourself dwell on them either. They’ll pass and hopefully get fewer and farther between over time.

    #300191

    John
    Participant

    Well, yet another day of struggling.  I  hate that I get this way.  I hate that I miss her so much.  I really do miss her.  This pain sucks.  Through all of everything that happened, days like today.  I feel like if she were to call or text me and ask to start over, it would be like the world would be at my feet.  damn this hurts today.  trying to focus on other things to get my mind off of it.  It’s really hard on days like this.  Friday, work is slow, nice weather.  Brings be back to when i would be counting the minutes till we got to see each other or go do something together.

    #300195

    Valora
    Participant

    It still sounds to me like you’re fighting your feelings. Just let them be what they are. It’s okay that you still miss her. Your mind still has her on a pedestal but she is NOT the only person that you can feel this way with.

    Have you started any counseling yet?

    #302735

    John
    Participant

    been a while.  still thinking about her every day.  I’ve read different articles where it has taken some people years (like 4 or more) to finally be able to move on. I even read one where this gal had a similar situation as me.  Still had hope, no matter what was happening.  Her ex was even getting married and totally happy, but she was in denial.  she even admitted it.  That there was something that made her believe that he would come back.  It’s crazy, but that’s how I feel.  Like i still have this gut feeling that one day, there will be a phone call or text and we will meet again.  Maybe just for coffee or something and then PRESTO!  that spark is back!  I know it’s a fantasy and unrealistic.  but that feeling just won’t go away.  I wish so much that it would.  But at the same time i don’t.  There are days that i think about it.  Not intentionally, but I do and it actually puts a smile on my face.  Like there is hope and someday it will happen.  Like the movie the notebook.

    I’m still battling my home life also btw.  I think the only way to be done with that is to move out myself.  I have talked to a friend of mine (known him since the 7th grade).  He has property and said i can live in my RV out there.  So i’m really thinking of doing that.  I need to do something that makes her leave.  It sucks cause once i do, i don’t know when i can afford a place again.

    #302745

    Valora
    Participant

    I have the same feeling about my ex, too, but the important thing is to recognize that it may just be wishful thinking creating a “gut feeling” that isn’t actually intuition. You also have to just remain open to other options and be sure to give new people a chance… otherwise, I don’t see the harm in letting that hope remain because things like that DO happen, and I don’t think it’s realistic to think you can just turn that hope or that feeling off, especially since I know exactly what you’re feeling. Just don’t let that hope and those feelings hold you back from someone else is all, and if you give someone a chance and then end up making that feeling for your ex go away (which is totally possible), then you’ll know THAT person is a better fit. So just be open is all.

    As for your other situation, if you don’t think you can afford a place again, you might want to just be strong and firm and tell her she needs to leave…. especially because she can’t afford your apartment on her own either, can she? So it makes no sense for you to have to leave it if she’d have to leave either way and especially if you don’t think you’ll be able to find another place for yourself soon. You’re just going to have to make yourself do it and remember that she is just as much to blame for being in this situation as you are, so it’s time she took responsibility for that, too. This is what happens when you move into someone’s place and the relationship doesn’t end up working… it’s her responsibility to move back out.

    #302797

    John
    Participant

    thanks.  Well my bad judgement got the better of me.  I looked up my ex and her boyfriend on FB.  Just curiosity to see what is happening.  I know that’s the last thing i should have done, but I couldn’t stop myself.  Maybe its a good and bad thing i did.

    He did a post about being a hard working man and that sometimes the only quality time they had when he would be sleeping and resting.

    she commented “I got this” with a heart emoji.  He replied “thank you honey”, she replied “I love you”, He replied “I love you too”.

    DAMN!  That was hard to read.  Really kind of put me in my place.  To see her post that publicly. She never said that to me over social media.  Even when i said it to her.

    Kind of like a huge sticker shock.  Really makes me wonder what kinds of posts she does on her page (it’s private) about her and him.  She hardly ever posted things about us.

    I feel so stupid.  So blind.  So used.  The worst part is that in some messed up part of my brain, i think she is just saying that to make him feel good.  Like she did for me at times.  How retarded is that.

    Although seeing that hurts tremendously, i really hope it helps me put an end to this endless hope or feeling that she still has some feeling for me.  That someday, somehow she will come back.

    In the end I really need to figure out to put an end to the situation I’m currently in and get better on my own.  Then maybe i can meet the someone that fits me and really gives me what i need.  It’s so easy to say this and so hard to actually do it though.  Especially when through everything, my heart feels like it still belongs to her.  I feel like such a pathetic man.

    I guess tomorrow is another day and i will do my best to push on.

    #302801

    Valora
    Participant

    I honestly think that might’ve been good for you to see because it’ll help you let some reality in.  It’s okay to hope for the future, but for right now and indefinitely, she’s with him.  I kind of think it says something that she never said she loves you over social media, too. It’d be one thing if that were just not something she does, but clearly she does do that. It’s possible you were more into her than she was into you, unfortunately.

    I think it’s a good idea to get out of your current situation and work on getting yourself better right away. It’s really not a good time for you to get back with your ex anyway, even if she did come back, because you aren’t in a place where you can start a healthy relationship… and if she does end up coming back or you meet someone better… you want to be able to start the relationship in a good spot and develop a healthy one that will last, right?

    So even though I get what you’re feeling and what you’re going through, please trust me when I say it’s really better this way at least for now. You have to get out of that situation you’re in first. Maybe let this help push you to do that.

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