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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 495 replies, has 17 voices, and was last updated by  Valora 2 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #320845

    Valora
    Participant

    It sounds like things are headed in the right direction with your “roommate” and her kids.  My daughter’s father had a similar situation with a women he dated for 4 years and her daughter. He was kind of the only father she’d ever known and he helped raise her throughout her teenage years and she and my daughter also developed a bond, so she comes and visits from time to time, spends a weekend here and there, and it definitely has gotten lesser over time as she’s gotten older and is now in college. It’s worked out really well for all of them, so I’m glad to hear you’re open to that kind of situation, too, because it really does make it easier on the kids when splits like this happen.

     Like you said, who knows why and the intention, but you never know what could come of this.  I am not going to push for anything or try to make anything happen.  I’m just going to focus on myself and learn to love myself again.  Maybe in time i will get back to the man I was and my ex will see that and reach out? OR maybe she is truly in love with her man and she will be with him forever, Or maybe i will eventually find someone else that does fit me, or maybe in the end I will learn how to be just friends.

    Exactly! This is a very healthy way to look at this situation! Just see it as a stepping stone, which is sort of the universe’s way of guiding whatever you need in and out of your life. The fact she seems to be establishing a friendship with someone who is connected to you may be the universe’s (or God, as I like to believe) way to keep the connection alive from a distance for when you’ve both reached a point in your lives where you could have a successful relationship without so many things getting in the way (and don’t forget… you weren’t the only one that needed to improve for that relationship to work. She did, too, and you need to be able to see the growth in her)…. or it could also just be a way for you to find out that she’s not what your mind has been dreaming up, but that’s to your benefit too because you’ll end up feeling better.  There’s no way to know for sure which it is, so it’s best to just go with the flow on these things until time reveals the meaning. And no matter what happens, focusing on yourself and learning to love you again will lead you to wherever you need to go to find the relationship you want. Because that needs to happen first.

    In the meantime, if it hurts to see her posting, you might want to hide your friend’s wife from your feed for a bit. That way you won’t have to see it.

    #322667

    John
    Participant

    Well my current ex-girlfriend moved out this last weekend.  I feel horrible.  She moved back into her old house that her mom owns.   She is in dire straights trying to be able to afford it there and her kids are crushed as well having to switch schools and leave my house.  Today was the first day at the new school and her daughter was crying.

    I really hate this.  I know it’s for the best, but part of me would rather suffer than see them all suffer.  To make things worse, her family isn’t really giving her any emotional support.  I don’t understand her family at all.  I talked to my ex-father in law about all of this recently(he went through a similar situation when his wife left him a few years ago).  I told him that I don’t understand her family at all.  I know it’s not their responsibly to support or take care of her financially, but you would think they would all step up and help.  He even said if i was in that situation he would let me stay there for free until I got on my feet, which is what family and friends should do, not treat my ex like they are.  Like she has the plague.

    Her oldest daughter is sharing the place with her and she is even being an asshole.  She doesn’t work, just has a baby and doesn’t help out at all and is a jerk to her little brother and sister making things worse.  I feel absolutely horrible about all of this.  I know exactly how she is feeling and the thoughts that are running through her head.  I am trying to be there for her if she needs help, but i don’t know if that is making things worse or better.  When my ex before her left me, it was cut and dry and DONE.  no going back.  She just left me hanging out to dry.  That was the worst feeling in the world not knowing why someone could just give up that easily.  Now i’m doing it to my current ex.  Like i said, i am still here for her if she needs and have told her everything and why, but she still doesn’t understand.  She told me she feels like she lost her life.  Which I understand.  I felt the same way.  We(my previous and I) had life plans together, then the dream was gone overnight.  It’s crushing to the soul and heart.  The one thing I had was that I was still able to provide for me and my kids and not have to move and start over like she is.

    This is so hard.  I know some of you think i am a jerk and not a nice person, but I really do have a big heart and seeing someone hurt like this is devastating.  I think that’s why i tried to make it work for so long.  I wish there was something i could do to make things better for her.  Unfortunately the only thing would be to not have her have moved out, but like i told her.  If she didn’t, then i would of ended up hating her and it would have ended very badly.

    I’m not looking for pity.  I’m the last person that deserves that.  I just want to heal her pain and suffering and I can’t.  I know that because of what I went through.  I hate how this is all such a big lesson for me.  A lesson of my previous relationship and finally understanding how she felt, a lesson in letting go of someone before it gets to this point if I have doubts in the beginning (like you all told me to do).  I feel like such a jerk.

    Love really does stink.   I honestly feel like there is only one person for everyone and unfortunately that one person may not see that in you and see it in someone else.  I have decided that when I am able to start dating again(which will be a long time), i’m not going to date for love.  I’m just going to date to have fun.  Love hurts way too much all around and is way to confusing.

    So many regrets… still feeling them every day.

    #322831

    Valora
    Participant

    I really hate this.  I know it’s for the best, but part of me would rather suffer than see them all suffer.

    My question to you is what good would this have really done? You’ve been suffering for the past year and a half and has anything gotten any better? or did it get worse? You letting them stay and continuing to suffer would’ve still caused them to suffer because you’ve all been suffering for a long time now. This was the only way for you all to be free of that suffering after the initial transition period.

    Yes, it will take time for them all to adjust, but they will be fine and they will likely go back to living the way they did before you came into their lives. It’s just going to take some time for things to normalize, but it will, and they will be better off than you all trying to force something to work that wasn’t working.

    I honestly think it would be better if you all cut contact. Her venting to you about things you absolutely cannot control (her family and her situation) is not helping you in any way and it’s also her way of being dependent on you. She is a grown woman and is going to have to handle this stuff herself because you didn’t force her into the situation she was in. She put herself and her kids there. At some point, you’re both going to have to accept that this wasn’t all you.

    When my ex before her left me, it was cut and dry and DONE.  no going back.  She just left me hanging out to dry.  That was the worst feeling in the world not knowing why someone could just give up that easily.  Now i’m doing it to my current ex.

    Your ex did you a favor by being cut, dry, and done. Every time she talked to you in any little way, it brought a ton of hope back and you’d obsess over it. Imagine if she’d remained in your life while continuing to see someone else. That would’ve been torture for you, wouldn’t it? Then it would’ve been “how can she talk to me every day but still want to be with someone else??” It would’ve just brought on a whole host of other issues.

    Also, you are NOT doing that to your current ex. You’ve spent the last 9 months AT LEAST trying to break up with her, with her being in denial and doing everything she could to hold onto you, guilt trip you, and remain dependent on you. Psychologically, you cutting her off completely would be the best thing you could do for her because it would force her to improve in the same way your ex cutting you off forced you to take a look at yourself and your actions and improve. Struggle is sometimes the only way we learn, and you allowing your ex to continue to depend on you would be doing her a huge disservice… and I hope you take this to heart because I’m serious.  You know that my ex left me the same way yours left you… just absolutely blindsided, but that struggle I went through caused me to grow in ways that I wouldn’t have if he’d stuck around and I am extremely grateful for that growth.  Don’t deprive your ex of the chance to experience that kind of growth.  You making things better or easier or even keeping in contact with her is going to deprive her of the chance for that kind of growth. 

    So do what you can to work through your feelings of guilt. If anything, you just did her a serious favor, even though it might not seem like it on the outside right now… give it time.

    Meanwhile… you learn your lessons from this, too, and make sure you remember them so this doesn’t happen again… and don’t make the mistake of letting your own guilt and fears of looking/feeling like a terrible person deprive someone else of their chance to grow from their pain. Let this be a growth experience for BOTH of you.

     

      I honestly feel like there is only one person for everyone and unfortunately that one person may not see that in you and see it in someone else.

    I disagree with you here. I believe there is more than one person for everyone and that in order for you to have a consummate relationship, the person you end up with must come from your “soul tribe.” It’s believed we have more than one soul mate, and those are just people we connect with on a very deep level. They don’t even have to be romantic. Friends (even some of your guy friends or close family members) can be part of your soul tribe, who you connect with but aren’t romantically interested in. So the point is… your ex, who you felt this deeeeep connection with was likely from that soul tribe, but she was not the ONLY ONE from that soul tribe. At some point, if you work on yourself and remain single and focus on your growth and being the best you that you can be, you will meet someone who is part of that soul tribe who will be at the same point in their lives as you are, have the same goals, etc., and who will feel the same about you that you do about them… a match.  That doesn’t mean there is only ONE match, you just need A match. So it’s okay to keep hope alive for that some day, but just pay close attention to your feelings and don’t get into a relationship with someone just to have a warm body and a distraction from your pain.

    #322975

    John
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice.  It makes good sense.  for the whole soul mate thing though.  we will see on that ;).  only time will tell.

    One thing i have noticed even though it’s only been a couple days.  I haven’t been thinking about my previous ex as much as I was when my current ex was still living with me.  I think all the drama and suffering i was dealing with on a daily basis, just made me dwell on the past that much more.  Now i can focus on just me and my girls.  I am defiantly looking forward to this.  I’m looking forward to being the man I used to be.

    My oldest daughter and grandson are coming over friday for dinner, saturday for the football game, and for thanksgiving.  and I am going crabbing with a buddy the saturday after thanksgiving.  Already make in plans and tentatively enjoying my life again.  I really can’t wait to rebuild my life and get back to doing things I used to and having fun like I used to.  Life is way too short to go through it hating, angry, and miserable.

    #323117

    Valora
    Participant

    One thing i have noticed even though it’s only been a couple days.  I haven’t been thinking about my previous ex as much as I was when my current ex was still living with me.  I think all the drama and suffering i was dealing with on a daily basis, just made me dwell on the past that much more.  Now i can focus on just me and my girls.  I am defiantly looking forward to this.  I’m looking forward to being the man I used to be.

    I am not at all surprised by this! All that drama just made your past look so much better and that’s why you probably dwelled on it… and now that you’re able to focus on you and your girls, I bet you’re really going to enjoy yourself and both exes will become a distant memory. AND you’ll be able to do what you want with your friends whenever you want without feeling like you’re going to be upsetting someone or having to hear about it later. Just like you said, have fun and enjoy life! I bet your girls are looking forward to this, too!

    #323619

    John
    Participant

    thanks..

    I tell you though, it is really eating me alive wondering why in the heck my best friends wife decided to friend my ex considering that she “hated” her so much and who initiated it.  I can’t lie, it really bothers me.  I don’t know if I should confront her (my best friends wife) or just leave it alone.  You have no idea how bad i want to see my ex’s FB page, just to see what she has posted about her Boyfriend.  If anything to help me move on even more. Like if I could see a bunch of lovey dovey posts.  She never did that stuff  with me.

    As more time goes on, I really do think i was some kind of rebound for her.  I was what she needed at that point in time to get her out of her slump she was in, but as time grew on maybe she saw me more as a friend.  After all, i never stood up to her like I should have as a man or boyfriend.  I let her walk all over me repeatedly and use me as a “door mat” as she would say.

    In the meantime, my current ex is doing everything I did, still texting me, telling me she misses me, how she doesn’t understand, ect.  It’s nice to see how I became( i was the same way with my previous ex), but it also kills me knowing this now, knowing how I thought i was just communicating, when actually when she needed me to leave her alone I was doing just the opposite big time, causing her to pull away even harder.  Definitely a real eye opener.  But still hard to learn from.

    relationships are crazy, people and emotions are crazy.  It’s all crazy.  I just hope that someday when I start looking again that I will meet that someone that really is “the one”.  Right now, it’s hard to fathom because I still do think about her more than I should.  And honestly if she was to come back to me, i would have a hard time standing up for myself.  She really is my kryptonite.  The love that I have for her is unreal or unexplainable.  I hate that.  I hate that there isn’t a logical reason I feel like this and that I can’t change it.

    Oh well though right??  Still trying to just get back on my feet again.  Just hard is all.  really really hard.

    #323629

    Valora
    Participant

    It’s eating you alive because you’re overthinking it. It doesn’t matter if she hated her 2 years ago. People change. Some of my best friends are people I did not get along with well at all in the past but when people grow, that allows them to get along better in the future. They likely just reconnected somehow, maybe ran into each other somewhere, and started talking again and realized they get along better now.  Like I said before, just think of it as a stepping stone. You could ask your friend’s wife about it to see how they started being FB friends but I wouldn’t “confront” her.

    And yes, I do know how bad you want to see your ex’s FB page. I’ve thought many times about looking at my ex’s, wondering if seeing him with someone else would help me move on 100%, but it’s a bad idea for me. I know that it wouldn’t do anything for me because my ex was lovey dovey with me right up until he broke up with me, so his show of affection means nothing of his feelings for whatever relationship he’s in and that wouldn’t prove anything to me, and if he’s single, I’d wonder why he never started talking to me again. So nothing good will come of me looking, but if you think it will help you by seeing that stuff and that you won’t dwell on it by constantly wondering why she does that stuff with him and didn’t with you, then go for it. BUT if you DO look and then you start overthinking and dwelling more, that’s an obvious sign to never look again.

    It’s possible you were a rebound with the lack of lovey dovey posts for you, especially if she’s done that with her current boyfriend. Literally everyone enters relationships because they are finding something they need in that relationship. If that relationship is only filling a temporary need (like a bandaid for feelings or a distraction), then they no longer feel a need to be in that relationship once that need has passed (i.e., they are feeling better about whatever they were upset about before). You may be still hooked on your ex because she filled a need in you that you now need to figure out how to fill for yourself.  This is why I think you’ll feel better about that whole situation once you start really getting into taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy. Right now, everything about your recent situation is still reminding you of your breakup with her, but that stuff will get better too as long as you cut contact with your recent ex. Give it time.

     And honestly if she was to come back to me, i would have a hard time standing up for myself.  She really is my kryptonite.

    This means she’s toxic to you. I hope you know that.  That’s probably why you aren’t together.

    #323723

    John
    Participant

    I see your points.  It’s just very hard.  As far as them bumping into each other.  That wouldn’t happen, we are in different towns far apart.  There is only one or two reasons I could think of.  1.  My ex was curious about me and my life and reached out to her because she couldn’t reach me.  or 2.  my best friends wife contacted her to find out for herself why she did this to me.  I really do not see any other reason why either person would have contacted each other.

    It’s all very very confusing and odd timing.  The reason I say that is because on October 15th i sent my friends wife a text with a pic of an old FB reminder post I forgot to delete.  It was about the last weekend we spent together out of town and how nice it was 2 years ago.  I asked her “why am i such a mess, that i wish i could be happy for what I have instead of miserable for what I lost, that it’s been 2 years and i still miss her and think about her every day.”

    At that time (Oct 15th) as far as I knew they were not FB friends.

    Then, on Oct. 28th is when I saw that they were friends on FB.  WOW.  how’s that for a “coincidence”.  Ugh.  Just seems very odd to me.  Literally there is no one in each others lives besides me that would cause their paths to cross.  and it is almost physically improbable that they would.

    I will ask her about it when the time is right.  I do need to know why and who reached out to who.   The problem is that she has changed also.  She is not the woman she used to be.  I’ve known her for over 20 years and she has become more of a selfish, two faced person.  Very hard to still have the love and respect for her as my sister(what i’ve always considered her as) that I used to.  In fact last summer I found out that she had been cheating on my best friend with the same guy that she was “talking to” almost 2 years ago.   They are working it out.  Out of respect for both of them(mostly my best friend), i supported it and was there for each of them.  Then for her to do something like this and not even have the courtesy to tell me or ask me if it would bother me.  Especially after all i have confided in her and poured my soul out to her.  She even told me once that if i EVER started seeing her again, that she would not be friends with her.

    Like i said, it’s just very confusing and the timing…  also given the fact that my ex reached out to me about the same time.  AGAIN.  Which speaking of that, i did entertain that.  I played that word game with her off and on.  we chatted on the game just a couple times, nothing substantial, just surface talk.  I haven’t heard from her in over a week now(which is probably best).  Typical of her tho.  The nice thing is that it’s not really bothering me like i thought it would.  It’s actually solidifying what i think she is doing.  I think she was lonely(because her man was still working in another state) and when she gets that way started thinking of me and reached out.  I’m pretty sure he has been back home now for a week or so.  Kind of explains a lot.

    All this being said, i think (i could be way off) that my ex, couldn’t handle the idea of me with another woman.  She hated her from the start, even though she was in bed with her man well before I even met her and she didn’t even know her.  I think that my ex did do something(cheated on me somehow-phycially or emotionally) and could never admit it and she always felt guilt for that.  She showed many signs of it when we were at the end of our relationship.

    In the end none of that matters.  I know that.  It’s just things I think about and i really appreciate this forum and being able to express myself.  thank you for listening.

    #323747

    Valora
    Participant

    I see your points.  It’s just very hard.  As far as them bumping into each other.  That wouldn’t happen, we are in different towns far apart.  There is only one or two reasons I could think of.  1.  My ex was curious about me and my life and reached out to her because she couldn’t reach me.  or 2.  my best friends wife contacted her to find out for herself why she did this to me.  I really do not see any other reason why either person would have contacted each other.

    It’s still possible. I’ve bumped into people I know in other STATES, thousands of miles from where we both live, where we were both vacationing in the same place at the same time and didn’t know it until we saw each other. lol. They could’ve both been eating at the same restaurant in another town or at a mall or who even knows. But it’s absolutely possible that they could’ve bumped into each other.  But yes, the other reasons are possible, too, especially if your friend’s wife decided she wanted answers from your ex and confronted her. I understand how difficult this is, but try not to overthink and wonder about possibilities too much because there is no way to truly know unless you ask, and if it’s bothering that much, I’d just ask your friend’s wife “hey, I noticed you guys are friends on Facebook now. How did that happen?” or something like that. Let it just be an innocent question due to curiosity… not a confrontation. The longer you wait to ask, though, the weirder it’s going to be… so the next time you see her make a comment on your friend’s stuff… I’d just ask her “hey… I noticed this comment… you guys are friends now? How did that happen?” etc. It’s really an innocent question, especially since you thought she hated her.

    And yes, I know how timing of things can send you into a tale spin (I’ve been there) but like I’ve said before… sometimes this stuff is stepping stones toward learning whatever it is you need to know for your life to continue in the direction it needs to head. It’s happening the way it is and when it is because that is how it’s supposed to be. It’s best not to overthink the why’s and just acknowledge what it is and the timing and let that be it. Sometimes I like to write that stuff down though, when it feels like a sign or the timing is weird, just to refer back to later if I need to. Writing it down allows me to get it out of my head so I can let it go for the time being and move forward without dwelling on it.

    All this being said, i think (i could be way off) that my ex, couldn’t handle the idea of me with another woman.  She hated her from the start, even though she was in bed with her man well before I even met her and she didn’t even know her.  I think that my ex did do something(cheated on me somehow-phycially or emotionally) and could never admit it and she always felt guilt for that.  She showed many signs of it when we were at the end of our relationship.

    Yeah, honestly, from what you’ve said, your ex seems really quite immature and has a lot of growth to do, especially with the way she keeps coming in and out of your life, and especially if you think she’s mainly only talking to you when she’s lonely or possibly it could be a feed to her ego, knowing she still has you on a string, even when you were with someone else. That’s not a good quality for a life partner at all. I hope you’re able to use this time to yourself to build yourself to the point where you know you deserve better than that and you’ll attract someone who will give you better and TRULY be the right match for you.

    #323913

    John
    Participant

    I’d just ask your friend’s wife “hey, I noticed you guys are friends on Facebook now. How did that happen?” or something like that

    I did ask her as soon as i found out.  I told her  i was dumbfounded and curious why.  All she told me was “Sorry, i didn’t realize being friends with someone on FB would be so bad.  We have been for awhile.”  This is right after I recently poured my heart out to her about how I was feeling.  And like i said, she hated her.  She disliked  her even when we were dating.  It’s just really freaking odd to me.

    on a side note.  Me ex’s son’s birthday was on the 19th.  I sent her a message and told her to wish him a happy birthday for me, unless it would be weird.  Mainly just curious to her response.  She said thanks, but yes it would be weird.  I didn’t respond.  I wanted to say almost as weird as you friending my best friends wife?  But I didn’t think that would have been a mature response.

    Yeah, honestly, from what you’ve said, your ex seems really quite immature and has a lot of growth to do, especially with the way she keeps coming in and out of your life, and especially if you think she’s mainly only talking to you when she’s lonely or possibly it could be a feed to her ego, knowing she still has you on a string, even when you were with someone else. That’s not a good quality for a life partner at all. I hope you’re able to use this time to yourself to build yourself to the point where you know you deserve better than that and you’ll attract someone who will give you better and TRULY be the right match for you.

     

    I agree.  There really is no reason for her to have ever reached out to me like she has done time and time again, or said the things she has if she i really happy and in love, unless she is messed up and needs that control or power(ego) knowing she can always do that.  Or unless she can’t handle me being happy with someone else and now she knows I am alone  and that is why she has stopped communicating again.  I hate mind games.  It is really hard though.  Like you have felt about your ex.  I really do love her more than I could ever imagine was possible.  I hate that i fell so hard for someone and became so vulnerable and weak.  Love is an amazing thing.  it can bring a dead person to life and at the same time put someone in the grave.

    #324433

    John
    Participant

    I’ve been thinking a lot over this last weekend.  I really do think my ex just was lonely and didn’t like to see that i was with someone.  She found out that me and my current ex broke up and she moved out.  After that pretty much all contact from her stopped. Just really amazing to me.  You would think if she did care she would ask me  how i’m doing or something.  I think all she really cares about is herself and that i’m not happy or with someone.  She was the same way with her ex-husband when I was with her.  She HATED his girlfriend with a passion.  Even thought they got together after she left him.   Same thing.  She does have issues.  The more i think about it the more I do realize how much double standards she had/has.  If she messaged me or anything and I didn’t respond or said the wrong thing then I haven’t changed or i was ignoring her, but if i said the same about her she would get upset.  God forbid if i was to message her and ask her if she was ignoring me now or something like that.

    Even though i am learning a lot about how immature she is and the type of person she is, I still do feel for her though.  I guess when you really love someone,  I mean REALLY love someone with all of your heart and soul, it’s hard to see the bad and accept that and move on to something else.  I am trying tho.  I really am.  It’s just incredible hard some days.  like today.  I just want to talk to her and tell her everything about how I really feel about everything that has happened.  In fact, I had a dream the other night that I bumped into her.  She asked me how i was doing and I told her everything.  I told her that i’ve never stopped loving her and that I’ve thought about her every day since she left me.  Well, before she responded, I woke up!  Just a dream anyways right?

    Well maybe she is done contacting me for good this time.  I will just try my best to go on with my life and hope that she doesn’t.  Or if she does it’s for the right reasons.

    TTYL.

    #324569

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, it sounds like it’s an ego thing for her. You may have dodged a bullet by not being with her, and she may have done you a favor, even though it didn’t seem like it at the time. She seems immature and egotistical, needing attention on her and getting upset when it’s directed toward someone else, even when you aren’t together and that attention is directed toward the person you ARE with. It’s so extremely selfish for her to seemingly prefer you (or her ex-husband) be alone than with someone else, especially when SHE did the dumping, don’t you think?

    I think you’re always going to feel for her. You had a connection and that doesn’t really turn off, but at least you’re starting to be able to see her with better clarity now. Just because a strong connection is there doesn’t mean it’s right. Just take from this that you can FEEL that type of connection, but she’s not the only one you can feel that with.

    So in the meantime, just keep trying to allow yourself to detach. I think that’s the hardest part. A big part of us WANTS to detach and move on, but with connections like that, an even bigger part of us wants to hold on because it felt so good and there’s a fear that we’ll never find that again. You have to just get yourself to allow that shift, of making the part of you that wants to detach and move on stronger than the part of you that wants to hold on. Allow the desire to detach to come through… every time you feel it, like you’re ready to let go… resonate with it, allow it, and let that desire go stronger. Reinforce it in your mind as the right and most beneficial decision for you.  Then when you feel the need to hold on, acknowledge those thoughts without trying to fight them, but then let them go. Picture them in a boat, traveling down the river… oh, there are those thoughts again, floating past in their boat, and there they go down the river, and you unemotionally let them pass. I think that’s the key.

    #329851

    John
    Participant

    i’m in a bad place.  I tried to make the most of the holidays.  i’m so tired of hurting and hurting people around me.  i try to do these things you say, but i still just feel the same.  Like i’m missing a part of me.  god it hurts.  i really wish i would have never met her.  i’m sorry to dump, but i have no where else to vent to.  All of my friends and family are tired of my same ole shit.  none of them understand, how can they until they go through this.  i see people that have loved like this, then lost, then next thing you know they are in love again with marriage plans.  I don’t understand how they can just be done and let go.  i want that so bad.  again, sorry for this.  i’m just lost and lonely.

     

    #329889

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi John! I was wondering how you’re doing. I’m sorry to hear you’re in a bad place.  I’m kind of wondering if you’re finally officially grieving the relationship, though. You’ve felt bad all along, since the breakup, but for most of the middle part, you were also dealing with other issues. At first you were kind of distracting yourself from your previous ex with your most recent ex, and then you went through all of that trouble with your recent ex for many, many months, which made you miserable and took up some of your emotional space, and now that that’s over, you’re back to grieving your previous ex, and in that case it makes sense why you wouldn’t be over it yet.

    So you may just need to let yourself continue to grieve but try not to dwell. Vent here as much as you need. I understand what it’s like for the family and friends not to really want to listen to it anymore. Mine got like that with me, too. It’s hard for people to really understand when they likely haven’t felt such an intense connection with someone. I’m not sure it’s even possible to understand what it’s like until you actually experience it. It’s easy for people to say to just move on already, but it’s hard to actually do. My ex recently asked me for something that I’d bought him back that I still have that was sentimental to me so I told him no and he blocked me, and that hurt and I broke down for a couple days. The I realized that I hadn’t been able to grieve in the middle either due to a bunch of issues with other people in my life stressing me out, so I think that might be what’s happening with you, too, because I struggled with the fact that I still feel hurt, too, after 2 whole years.

    This time of year doesn’t help either, so just be gentle with yourself. Don’t compare yourself and how you feel to others and how they feel and how quickly they move on because you aren’t them, they aren’t you, and neither one of you are having the same experiences. But you DO have to start letting yourself let go just a little bit. I understand the feeling like you’re missing a part of you. I feel that way, too, BUT you can’t focus on that. That’s what’s driving you nuts. Sometimes in life we lose parts of us and we just have to accept that those parts are gone and deal with it and know that we will be okay with that piece missing. We can still live without it.  Your mind is telling you that you need that piece to function or ever be happy but you absolutely don’t. I’m sure you’ve experienced plenty of happy times since that breakup, whether with family or friends or even things you do on your own that you enjoy. That’s the stuff that you need to redirect your focus toward and you have to be diligent in order for it to work. Redirect, redirect, redirect.

    When your head says “I’m missing a part of me.” Say back to it “but I will be okay without that part.”

    When your head says “I’ll never find a love like that again,” say back to it “actually, no, I can’t see the future and have no way of knowing who I’m going to meet and how I’ll feel about them.”

    When your head says “I will never be happy again,” say back to it “no… that’s wrong. I’ve been happy here… and here… and here” and go through all of the times that you’ve felt happiness or joy, even with just the little things like for instance… I have a cat and when I say “hey, kitty!” she meows back to me, like she’s saying hi back, which I find adorable. And that’s just a cat, not even to say how many little joys I get from my kids and the things they do and say. Life has a billion little joys if you’re paying attention and taking notice.

    And go to counseling again. Find a good one that you feel comfortable with and can relate to. They will remind you as much as you may need to be reminded to challenge your thoughts. You’re in a bad place because you’re likely still putting a lot of focus on what you lost or what you feel is missing rather than what you have or what you’ve gained since. Thinking about the past or future rather than being in the present is what generally puts us in a state of regret/anxiety/depression. Centering yourself in the present takes practice but it works wonders once you’re able to do it regularly… and not what you’re lacking in the present, but all of the little things you have and can do that make you feel good. Focus really hard on that stuff as much as possible.

    #331659

    John
    Participant

    thank you for responding.  you have no idea how comforting it is to be able to talk to someone that has been experiencing the same things i have.  i have been trying, been trying to tell myself that I can be happy again.  that someday , I may find love like that again.  That i’m a good person and i deserve the best.  but somehow i seem to end of back like it was yesterday that I lost her. i really wish i could just let her go.  I think that part of me is afraid to because if i do and she does someday come back that i’ll miss the chance.  honestly i feel like i may of had a chance two xmas’s ago when she started talking to me  again out of the blue.  Really talking to me telling me feelings, until my ex girlfriend found out and contacted her, putting an end to that.  It’s so hard to think that she isn’t thinking about me, that she doesn’t love me.

    I know for a fact from a source that she is “very happy”.  I think i get resentment with that.  What gives her the right to be so happy, while I’m still here in the rubble from what was left over. suffering and struggling just to make it through every day.  It is so unfair.

    I really don’t understand the universe or karma or whatever.  It is very ironic and weird to me tho how when i met her, she was in this state that i’m in.  I was the one that helped her recover, i was the one that brought her laugh and smile back(she told me that several times), i was the one that helped her grow and be better, then i get thrown away(or so it feels).  And how she absolutely hated her ex husbands girlfriend(even though they did nothing wrong), is how i feel about her boyfriend how.  I despise him for ever coming into her life.  I know that’s not right, but it’s how I feel.  and then now… my current ex girlfriend is in the same state of mind/heart that i was/am with my first ex.  It’s like a bad disease that just gets passed on the next lover, except i still have it.  i haven’t recovered.

    I know I was probably a rebound type of thing with her, that I was fun and exciting and new, and then over time it got too real.  And now she is with someone that it’s all normal.  I know that the distance helped ruin things, that if i was closer ,that thing may have been different.  I know that there are so many factors that i didn’t have any control over that contributed to this.  It’s just so hard to be able to let go 100%.  I feel like i don’t want to lose any chance I may ever have with her again if i am not here and available.  And yes, i know that is a bad way to go about life and live my life.

    Everything is just hard.  I feel so alone anymore.  I hurt so much on  a daily basis.  I’ve gotten pretty good at putting on a fake smile and happy face, but inside i’m just empty and cold.  Still to this day, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.  Which I know is unhealthy for me.  But it’s true.  I hate her having that kind of control over me.

    i so bad just want to talk to her and tell her that i’ve never stopped loving her and that I’m sorry for the things that I did that made her leave me and that i would do anything for another chance.  I know that is one of the worst things i could do though.  Man this is hard, i think it’s harder then before.

    I feel like i’m just clinging on to her memory afraid if i let go that i will forget.

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