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very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please

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This topic contains 195 replies, has 11 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 5 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 196 total)
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  • #205607

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    Interestingly your most recent post reads relatively drama-free, not excitable and desperate like the ones before. How refreshing.

    I will be back to the computer in sixteen hours or so. You can post again if you'd like, perhaps other members will post as well before I return (and after).

    anita

    #205627

    John
    Participant

    So i was thinking of sending this text to her for her birthday.  Do all you all think it is too much.  I wanted it to be sincere, but not suggestive or anything.  Just sincere from a friend to another friend.  Thanks for your input.

    “Every once in a while a beautiful soul comes into this world.  Sometimes that soul is pushed, beaten down, and challenged over and over again. But because that soul is so beautiful, strong, and rare. It emerges above all odds and rises higher than any other. Shining bright and wonderful for the world to see.
    47 years ago, one of those souls was born into this world. Yours!  You are an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman. I’ve always been impressed and in awe of how you rise above like you do. And how no matter what is thrown your way, you still have love and compassion for those in your life and those that aren’t as well. I will always be very grateful that I got to share part of your life with you and be influenced by such a beautiful person.
    I hope this day is great and you celebrate yourself all that you’ve accomplished.  You deserve the best that life can offer.
    Take care of yourself.
    Happy birthday”

    #205655

    Brandy
    Participant

    “She did wish me a happy birthday last month. So I will text her on her birthday and do the same. But besides that I will stop texting and let her initiate it.  It then if I do that and she doesn’t text then what?  Would that be because she is having feelings and is scared and it’s easier to forget or would it be because she doesn’t want anything more than friends?  OMG. This is so hard.”

    If she stops texting you, I don't believe it's because she's scared and it's easier to forget. She's a 47 year old woman with grown kids, a job, and a full life.  After juggling work, a marriage, raising kids, a divorce, health issues, etc., this situation wouldn't exactly “scare” her, I'm thinking. She knows how you feel about her, and at her age she knows what she wants. If she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, but it may take her some time. If she stops communicating with you, it's because she still sees the “red flags” that she saw when you were together. I really like the idea of letting her initiate all future communication between you two.

    As for the happy birthday text message for tomorrow, first, tell me, what did her “happy bday” text message last month to you say? The message you wrote above is beautiful. For me, if I'm completely in love with someone and he sends me that text message, I'm ecstatic. But if I'm decompressing after a “perfect storm of life drama” that included an ugly breakup, then that text message may be more than I want right now. You already sent her the earlier letter with her personal belongings and also the birthday card (you haven't sent the bigger letter yet). I think I'd be cautious about overdoing this text message. I like “You are an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman and I will always be grateful that I got to share part of your life with you. Happy Birthday!” 

    Just my 2 cents! 🙂

    B

    #205671

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    The title of your thread is: “very confused- new girlfriend, ex girlfriend. Help me please”.

    The following may help you with this very confusion. First the inconsistencies in your story regarding your relationships with your ex girlfriend and the current girlfriend:

    1. You wrote about your one year relationship with your ex girlfriend: “Seriously we had 10 months of bliss, and 2 really bad months”.

    This is not consistent with the following:

    “our entire relationship I was always ‘waiting' waiting for that next text or phone call, waiting to see her, waiting for her to tell me she missed me or loved me”- waiting during the entire relationship is not bliss.

    “for the majority of the time we were together, there seemed to always be some drama and baggage in her life. We pushed through a lot of it together, but there was always something”

    “She also had told me that she was sorry that she couldn't make me happy. I told her that she did. And that I caused my own unhappiness.”

    2. You wrote about your current girlfriend: “She is wonderful.. We get along great…… she is wonderful… I feel completely comfortable around her, and love hanging out with her.”

    But then you wrote: “My current girlfriend has drama also, which is a huge red flag for me… She has kid/family/work/money issues right now. And I don't need that again”- having “a huge red flag” is not consistent with feeling “completely comfortable around her”.

    Second, my suggestions to help you to gain clarity:

    As Shakespeare wrote: “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man” – woman, in this case.

    anita

     

     

     

    #205953

    John
    Participant

    Anita, thank you.  I guess i wasn't very consistent or clear.  So with my ex girlfriend.  up until the last couple months I really wasn't waiting “our entire relationship” like  I said.  Sorry, i need to proof read my stuff before posting.  Being a semi-long distance relationship was working.  She texted or called me as much or more than i did her.  In fact she would call me almost every morning on her way to work, once or twice through the work day, and on her way home, then again before bed.  in the meantime, we would text non-stop all day almost every day.  let alone always sending selfies and stuff.  If she didn't hear from me in a while she would text me first and the same goes with me and her.  the “waiting”  I guess really began when her oldest son's issues came about.  Then I was getting pushed aside a lot or she didn't feel like talking that night, or he was home so we weren't going to see each other because they were fighting the whole time…  I remained patient and understanding.  I didn't push or anything for a while.  She knew it was hard for me and just kept telling me that she appreciated it and will make it up to me.  Unfortunately, those words came out very frequently in the last couple months to where, i was thinking “when”.  That's when i started pushing.  When I should of really let her go then to handle what she needed.

    By causing my own unhappiness.  What  i meant by that was that i never really made it a point to have a real face to face conversation with her when things were going bad.  I was too afraid and insecure.  I thought if i try to talk to her about this then she will just give up and leave.  Well that worked out didn't it….  So instead i was always trying to figure it all out on my own.  I did way too much google research and that complicated things even more in my brain.  If i would of told her when i started feeling neglected that we needed to really talk, and if i would of told her how i really feel and asked her what she truly needed from me. (in fact, she always told me to tell her how i feel, not what i think she wants to hear, and i didn't)  I think I wouldn't of been so miserable.  It might of sucked, especially if she did need more time without me in the picture to get shit under control.  But in the end it would of been better.   And she did tell me things, but i didn't listen.  Even when she would text i found my self skimming and only seeing key words in the text.  I started only reading or hearing what i wanted to hear.(not that I wanted to hear bad stuff).  I was blinded and only saw that she didn't want me at that time, when in fact she did want me.  she just couldn't handle that at that time also.

    So my current girlfriend…  I am comfortable around her all the time, that doesn't mean there are things that worry me.  In fact we kind of had a small fight this weekend.   That was uncomfortable.  She does have a minor drinking problem.  Which i don't know if that's something that i can  continue with.   at first I thought, that's cool, she likes to let loose once in a while.  Well once in a while is more often than i would think.   And with her kids.  That's a struggle.  They are out of control and control her.  It's all a big mess.  I have small ones of my own.  I'm not trying to praise myself.  But my girls respect me and listen.  with her kids(ages 7&9).  it's always a fight about something and it ends up being screaming/arguing/crying by the kids and she will just give in.  She has asked me to help with discipline and keeping them in line, but i'm not comfortable with that and when i have, she would fold and give in to them anyways.   Our little fight this weekend has really got me thinking though.  I'm going to talk to her tonight and tell her that I don't know if i can do this.  And that i've also been having thoughts about my ex. and that's not fair to any of us.  That i need some time to figure out my shit.  It's kind of good timing anyways.  She will be working a late swing shift this week and gone the next week.  So it might be good for us to have some time apart so i can get my head straight.

     

    So back to my ex.  I did send her  that b-day message.  She replied “you're so incredibly sweet” “thank you” and did a heart emoji.

    that's the last i heard.  But she was visiting family all weekend.  And I guess she is in a “relationship” still.  And who knows, he may of been there this weekend with her.  I don't know.  We told each other that we won't talk about our currents with each other.

    So i guess long story short… I have a lot of soul searching to do.

    1.  I really have to figure out what is happening with my ex.  I need to get some kind of answer sooner than later, cause i can't do this whatever it is we have been doing much longer.  It's tearing me up.  I need to know either we are going to try again or not. And if not, then i need to end all communication with her because it's killing me slowly.  I found that i have reverted and am now thinking about her all the time.  Not in a creepy way, just that she is on my mind.  Where as before we started communicating again. I was forgetting about her and focusing more on me.

    2.  I need to take a break from my current.  and i need to have a good talk with her about everything that is causing flags with me. If we are to end up together, i can't repeat my mistakes i made with my ex by omitting things and feelings with her.  She needs to know how i feel at all times.  Omitting my feelings is what screwed up everything with my ex.  It all festered inside of me causing resentment.  I really believe that was a large cause of our problems.

    3.  I need to really figure out what i need/want.  If i can't see myself with anyone else than my ex.  Then i need to let go and be alone until i can.  Which freakin sucks ass.  But i do.  I hate feeling lonely.  When you are with someone.  You should be able to think to yourself, i would like to marry her someday.  Not that you ever would or have to, but that thought should come up.  For me right now, i think I still miss my ex and have too strong of feelings for her to let myself accept anyone else in my life.  With my current GF, i can see us living together, ect….  But i haven't had that “i want to marry her someday' feeling.  more of this is the right thing to do…  which it's not if I'm not all in.

    WOW.  Sorry about the book…  I guess i'm more of a mess than I thought.  I just know this.  With my ex.  I do love her, with all of me.  I really don't think there isn't anything i wouldn't of done for her, or still do for her.  I don't know why, but it's true.  i have never ever felt this way about anyone before.  NEVER.

    With my current GF.  I love her as well.  But not the same.  I do whatever i can to help her.  Cause that's just the type of person i am.  I do love her though.  But i can't give her all of me like i should.  I do think about her, but not like i should and as frequently as I should, especially being in a  new relationship when i should be goo goo ga ga over her.   Soooooo, i need some time.  Time to figure out what i really want and need to do and what will come with everything.

    I really hate this.  I wish i would of never met my ex sometimes.  For someone to make you feel like you are in heaven and the love i felt with her and from her.  I really can't explain how great it felt.  Never been that happy in my life.  Now it's gone.  I would of been so much better off never knowing that feeling.   What's funny is before i met her i never understood how people would meet, then wishing months they would be living together, within a year or two be married.  and be happy forever.  With her, i totally could.  I just know that neither of us could handle all the shit that happened when it did.  sucks.   Life sucks sometimes.  I really think if we would of met a year later.  everything would of been fine.  Or if i could of been a real man and given her the time she needed and space and actually listened to her instead of trying to fix it all.  Things would of been fine also.  SUCKS!  All of this sucks…..

    I'll quit rambling…

    Well what do you think about all that.  I know i'm freaking hurting.  I'm such a romantic.  I wish I was a hard cold man that only thought about himself.  unfortunately i'm not. I keep thinking, somehow, someday we will be back together and she is going to love me again like she did.  She really did.  I never felt like that before.

    #205959

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    You asked what do I think about all this. This is what I think at this point:

    I think you have a tendency toward the dramatic. Here on your thread, it is as if you are on a stage, presenting your life in such a way so to create the most intense affect in the audience. For that purpose you intensify the expressions of your desperation (repeating “SUCKS” for example, exaggerating how good it was then and how terrible it is now), and so, you stretch the truth to the point of misrepresenting reality.

    I think that it will be better for you (and for other people in your life) if you get off that stage. Not off this thread, but off the stage.

    At first you represented your current girlfriend as this wonderful woman who makes you happy and who is perfect for you, and if only you didn't think and feel  so much for your ex girlfriend, all would be wonderful with your current girlfriend. But this is not reality: your current girlfriend has a drinking problems, has fights with her minor children and so, if you were to live with her, you will not be happy. After all, you were distressed when your ex girlfriend, living many miles away from you, had trouble with her son. Living with a woman who has trouble with her two minor children couldn't possibly be good for you, and definitely not a wonderful experience.

    In your original post you wrote about your current girlfriend: “We get along great and do and think the same about a lot of things. Even our lifestyles are the same”

    But in your recent post you wrote: “She does have a minor drinking problem. Which I don't know if that's something that I can continue with”- right here is an indication that her lifestyle is not the same as yours.

    You wrote her drinking problem is minor, but it is major enough for you to think you will not be able to continue with it.

    And then her parenting is not the same as yours and I can't think of anything more major in one's lifestyle than the parenting of minor children. You wrote that “They are out of control and control her. It's all a big mess. And about you, you wrote: “my girls respect me and listen”.

    In summary: stay on the thread but get off the stage. State reality as it is, avoid exaggerations and misrepresentations of the truth. It would make life easier, wouldn't it? Less exciting but easier and more functional. Stating reality as it is leads me to think that your current girlfriend is not a good option for a relationship. Now it is not about choosing between a wonderful relationship and a past relationship anymore, is it?

    anita

     

     

    #205987

    John
    Participant

    I feel like i'm a magnet for women with drama and problems.  maybe it's what i crave on an unconscious level.

    I don't know.  I know i'm tired of hurting.  Wish this pain would just go away.

    What's screwed up is all it would take is one text or call from  my ex saying she wants to try… and i would feel like i'm on top of the world.

    Maybe I'm destined to be alone and miserable.  Why is this so hard?  Why can't “it” just happen.  I feel like such a P$$%Y.  Sorry bout my language, but that's what if feels like.  I've tried counseling.  it really didn't seem to help.  Maybe i'm just too stubborn.  I really don't know.

    Feelings defeated like this sucks.  I just want to feel happy again, make someone(her) happy again.  🙁

    #205993

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    You mentioned you tried counseling: how many sessions and what happened there, in counseling?

    anita

    #205995

    anita
    Participant

    * didn't reflect under Topics

    #206021

    John
    Participant

    i went to bout 6 sessions.  It just seemed like they couldn't give me answers i needed. really just gave me advice and what i should do to move on.  But all of that i had already researched myself.  Didn't really get into me.  Maybe it was just a bad doctor.  I don't know.

     

    #206027

    Airene
    Participant

    Hello John,

    I felt I would chime in, though I think Anita is doing a great job of responding to your posts.

    The entire thread seems to come down to the fact that you want a relationship with your ex, and for whatever reason, she does not want that at this time.  She is being polite with you.  If she wanted to pursue something with you, she would have said something by now.  I firmly, strongly believe this.  She may sense your emotional state and not want to say or do anything that would upset you further.

    You said that if your ex would tell you that she wanted to try again, you would feel like you were on top of the world.  Yet in some of your earlier posts, you talked about the “drama” going on in her life that led to the breakdown of your relationship.  You claim you seem to attract women with drama and problems and that you are tired of the drama.  I am wondering if you're thinking is that if you get back with your ex, all the drama will be behind you?  If this is true, I think you're setting up for some real disappointment.

    About counseling…my thought is that counseling is to help YOU find answers, not to have the counselers give you the answers you need.  It sounds like you want someone to tell you what you want to hear, rather than accepting what is.

    Just my thoughts.

    Airene

    #206067

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    I agree with Airene, particularly with: “you want someone to tell you what you want to hear”.

    You didn't hear what I communicated to you in my posts to you. If you read them, somehow you let it all slide, like oil off Teflon.

    I am thinking this is how you are with your children, hearing only what you want to hear. Same with your ex and current girlfriend, hearing only what you want to hear.

    How is it working for you-

    Did you hear me now?

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #206131

    John
    Participant

    wow!  sounds like i'm the one that has issues…

    you know, one thing my ex did tell me after we split up is that i only heard what i wanted to.  How the hell do i fix that if that's true?  I so bad just want to be there and help, but i guess i'm the one who needs help.  maybe i should date at all if that's the case.  maybe i'm the one with drama….

     

    #206237

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    This makes three people telling you the same thing then. Well, congratulations for hearing the three people at this point, for hearing me in my last post to you and hearing me in the post before, suggesting that you are inclined to drama yourself.

    I think you can fix this, you already started to fix it by paying attention. Make it a project to pay attention to what people say, it is a skill that you will get better and better at the more you practice.

    If you want, later on, whenever it is that you are calm, re-read your own thread. Maybe take notes and study what it is that you shared and what replies you got. Don't accept everything other people, including myself, suggested to you as true; evaluate those things yourself and decide what is true or may be true (upon future examination) to you.

    And do post again anytime.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #206349

    John
    Participant

    thanks.  hard to accept the fact that i thought i was doing the right thing and if fact i was doing the opposite.  and because of that i pushed away someone very important in my life.  tough pill to swallow.

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