Forum Replies Created
April 10, 2020 at 9:32 am #348610
The Dalai Lama teaches that the ultimate source of happiness is our mental attitude. I’m not a Buddist and I know very little about the Dalai Lama but what he’s saying makes sense to me. I realize that given your sadness and disappointment it’s pretty much impossible to have any other attitude than the one you currently have but maybe the change starts with self-forgiveness. You’re judging yourself as a bad person who deserves her suffering but I don’t see you that way. Millions of women find themselves in relationships with unhappily married men who intend to leave their wives but never do for all kinds of reasons including financial. Your situation isn’t unique. For 10 years you stuck by this man, believed him, loved him, but you’ve ultimately come to the painful decision to cut your losses, to step out of a situation that is no longer working for you. Yay, Eve! Bravo to you! You’re now back on track and worthy of happiness. Even people who make mistakes are worthy of peace, joy, and love because guess what: everyone makes mistakes.
It all begins with believing that you are worthy of a life free of all this damn suffering. The past is gone. Let it go. Your sweet kids who love you very much have their awesome mom back — today is a great day!
BApril 2, 2020 at 12:04 pm #346770
Wanted to let you know that I’m still reading this thread and finding it very useful. I’ve done my own research on all the topics you’re discussing here and it feels good to read it back from someone in her own words who did her own research using her own sources. I think you and I are on the same page.
My grandparents were very young adults during the Spanish flu pandemic and I find myself wishing I had asked them about it before they passed. I remember the concerned looks on my grandmother’s face whenever anyone in my family would get a common head cold. She seemed so overly concerned to me. Makes more sense to me now.
BMarch 25, 2020 at 1:01 pm #345370
Maybe it’s best for you and anyone else who is following this thread to research the topic of COVID-19 mutation rate on their own instead of me posting from various publications. Then we can discuss our own conclusions.
From what I’ve read, I think it’s possible that those who are shown to have COVID-19 antibodies have a good chance of not being infected (or re-infected which may be the case for some) by the virus this season. But I understand that the info is fluid and may be different tomorrow.
BMarch 25, 2020 at 12:29 pm #345356
I don’t understand why my earlier post today is awaiting moderation. It may be because I copied and pasted from two recent online newspaper articles (Washington Post and NY Magazine) and of course gave credit to those publications and enclosed what was copied inside quotation marks and within italics, but my paste operation may have triggered the required modification anyway?
There are recent reports that scientists are finding that COVID-19 does not mutate quickly at all and may respond to only one vaccine (as opposed to the influenza vaccine which changes each year). Johns Hopkins University is one source of this information.
BMarch 24, 2020 at 9:08 pm #345254
Sounds good, anita. Also, I was thinking, perhaps the general public needs both tests: 1) the standard test to prove that at this moment in time they are not infected (so they can’t unknowingly infect someone else including high-risk people), and 2) the antibody test to prove that they have the antibodies needed to fight off the virus in the event that they come into contact with someone who is infected. If they pass both tests then they should be good to go! Does that make sense?March 24, 2020 at 7:47 pm #345244
I watch the news and the coronavirus “curves” that we’re all trying to flatten but I think none of us really knows what’s happening and that we won’t until the general public takes the COVID-19 antibody tests. The antibody test will tell us if the virus has ever entered our bodies, as opposed to the COVID-19 standard test which measures if the actual virus is present in our bodies at any particular moment in time. The antibody test makes more sense to me because it will reveal if the virus has already entered the bodies of many more people than we think, thus lowering the mortality rate of this virus.
It’s believed that the first cases of COVID-19 were seen on Nov. 17, 2019 in Wuhan, China yet daily flights continued from China to the US from Nov 17, 2019 through Jan 31, 2020 (that’s 2.5 months) before the travel ban began (I’m not placing blame on anyone; just stating facts). That’s a lot of flights and a lot of people traveling from China to the US! It’s believed that the first COVID-19 case in the US occurred when a Washington state man in his 30’s returned home on Jan 15, 2020 from Wuhan and sought medical treatment when he started to experience pneumonia-type symptoms. But knowing what we know about how highly contagious this virus is, isn’t it likely that others who were infected but perhaps had milder symptoms were on some of those many flights to the US from China before the travel ban began? In other words, isn’t it likely that many more Americans were already infected but didn’t know it before the sick WA state man arrived? It may be that this WA man was the first person in the US who experienced serious COVID-19 symptoms, not the first person in the US with COVID-19.
This is important because it tells us 1) how dangerous this virus is and 2) who should be back at work helping to stimulate the economy. People may say “People are dying! Of course it’s dangerous!”, but I’d like to know how the virus relates to common influenza which kills tens of thousands in the US each year. In mid-January I myself experienced a dry cough and mild shortness of breath that I attributed to just some random virus that I picked up during the cold/flu season, which indeed it may have been, but I wonder if a COVID-19 antibody test would show otherwise. My symptoms started exactly two months after the first COVID-19 cases were discovered in Wuhan and daily flights were continuing out of China to the US. If I have the antibodies (and I have fully recovered btw) then shouldn’t I be back at work helping the economy? And shouldn’t everyone else who has the antibodies be doing the same, and eating out at restaurants, and out purchasing from retailers that are closed because of this crisis?
I’m aware that there’s concern about re-infection, that some people may be getting the virus again after they’ve “healed” from it, but I think we need to take that off the table for now because what I’ve read is that these folks may have never truly healed the first time after all, and that more testing is needed to know for sure.
BMarch 21, 2020 at 10:23 am #344474
I appreciate this thread very much. I find myself doing what you are doing, self-educating to make sense of what’s happening. It’s nice to be able to post our thoughts and feelings about this situation.
You wrote in your 4th post that there were no new coronavirus cases and deaths in Italy today (Sat 3/21; it’s evening in Italy right now). I found this (posted by The Guardian about 1 hour ago): In the past 24 hours the coronavirus death toll in Lombardy, Italy’s worst-affected region, has risen by more than by 546 to 3,095, according to official figures.
Not sure which report is accurate but I thought I’d put it out there anyway. My information may be wrong. Also, it’s not my intention to create fear; just searching for facts. Going to read your 5th post later today.
Hope you’re doing well, anita.
(10:23am Saturday my time)February 24, 2020 at 9:59 pm #339876
I enjoyed reading Andrew’s premarital questions and your answers. You come across as intelligent, sweet, caring, unselfish, wholesome, and funny. I don’t see anything at all in your answers that would explain his ghosting you. You obviously worked very hard and should be proud of what you wrote. Very thorough and well thought out. I’m impressed, Tari.
As I was reading your answers I was thinking back to when I was your age (24) and dating the man who eventually became my husband and the father to our three kids. I was trying to picture how I would have felt if he had handed me those same questions after meeting him a few short weeks earlier and, I’ll be honest, those thoughts made me uncomfortable. I realize your and my cultures are very different and I’m sure that has a lot to do with my feelings, but if a man I did not know well expected written answers to those kinds of questions, I would have had to turn him down. I would have told him that the only way to find the real answers is by spending time with me.
And while I’m being honest I guess I’ll add that it makes me sad to think of all the intelligent, ambitious, hard-working young women like you who are formulating a list of perfect answers so as to keep their suitors interested. So much pressure!
I wish you could meet a nice guy and just be yourself and have fun together. No written questions/answers. Just learn about each other as you go. See how you both react in various situations. See how you both cope under stress. Have deep conversations about the things that matter. See if you are truly compatible. Give it at least one year (I’d suggest 2-3) before the premarital talk, then make an informed decision about your future together. Does that ever happen in your culture?
BFebruary 23, 2020 at 6:36 pm #339674
This post is in response to your post before the last one. I’ll answer that one as soon as I have a little more time to read it.
Can you please explain what you mean when you described that Andrew may have noticed things in my personality that he may not have liked? Is it my attitude? Was I mean?
What I mean is growing up in an abusive, unhealthy environment likely left you with emotional scars. These may include low self-esteem, mood or personality disorders (anxiety, depression, etc.), guilt, shame, anger, inability to trust, dishonesty, drug or alcohol problems, risky behaviors, acting out, etc. No, nothing within your posts reveal that you have an attitude problem or that you’re mean. A person’s emotional issues are often revealed in the way he/she reacts when under stress. During the time you were fleeing from your home after being physically assaulted by your brother, you were under extreme emotional stress and you were also communicating regularly with Andrew.
I had a roommate in college and it took about 3 months of living with her for me to understand that something wasn’t right with her. I found her emotions to be very unpredictable, especially during final exams week. For example, our apartment was broken into while we were asleep one night and some of our things stolen. I was shocked and angry that someone had actually entered our apartment and could have harmed us, but she was completely unfazed/unengaged with what had happened. But then a much less serious event would really bother her, like when one of our other roommates forgot to empty the trash or wash a dish or something, she’d have us gather together and develop an action plan to rectify this situation. So her reactions to certain situations weren’t reasonable. Also, conversations with her felt somewhat inauthentic like she was hiding something. So after spending a long enough time with her I saw a severely wounded young woman hiding underneath a girl-next-door façade (sweet, beautiful, smart, happy). Guys were immediately attracted to her but her relationships were always short-lived because she couldn’t hide her issues for long. I later learned that her family life was extremely unhappy and abusive…really terrible.
Sometimes people pick up on others’ emotional issues and it changes things.
Will get back to you regarding marriage questions/answers.
BFebruary 23, 2020 at 2:09 pm #339642
Thanks for sharing more about your situation. Yes, I now see why you feel the way you do. Yours is a sad family situation, beyond dysfunctional. Whether you believe it or not, the years of abuse/lies/hostility within your family have changed you and will adversely affect your future. A lot of healing needs to happen for you so that you can recognize and correct the unhealthy tendencies you’ve picked up along the way; otherwise, you will carry the dysfunction forward to your future relationships.
This is where member Anita’s compassionate expertise along with some quality psychotherapy of your own could really help you, but I’d like to share a few of my own thoughts first.
We all have pressures in our lives which include demanding bosses, competitive coworkers, difficult teachers, betraying friends, aggressive personalities, etc., so we all need a place that we can come home to where we feel safe and supported. Our homes should be our safe places where we can recharge our batteries to prepare for the next day. Your home is nothing like this.
My husband and I have 3 kids who are young adults now. They are all learning about romantic relationships. We talk a lot about all kinds of situations that come up within relationships including the different values and expectations people have due to their cultures and upbringings, and also the different ways that males and females interpret things. My sons often ask me my opinions on girls. I am always honest with them about my feelings.
If one of my sons came to me and told me that three weeks ago he met a nice girl who seemed to be a good girlfriend prospect but had recently fled her home because of physical abuse within her family, I would not want this situation for him and I would tell him so.
So I don’t think Andrew has done anything wrong. I think he made the right decision to walk away from your dysfunctional, abusive family, and his decision may have had nothing at all to do with your being honest with him about your situation. It’s quite possible (even probable) that he picked up on certain aspects of your personality, certain things that you can’t hide, that you’ve developed during your abusive childhood, that he didn’t like. Anyone who grows up in the kind of environment that you did is going to have some chinks in her armor. You may be able to hide them for 3 weeks but eventually your issues will surface. You need to heal your issues.
So, yes, I think Andrew made the right decision to walk away and now it’s time for you to walk away too. Time for you to protect yourself by cutting ties with your family. They have damaged you, but you can heal.
BFebruary 22, 2020 at 8:23 pm #339520
Okay so his “not her” statement, that doesn’t change how you feel about this? A “not her” would be all I’d need to close the book and move on. Will you be able to overlook those two words if he decides he’d like to try again with you?
BFebruary 22, 2020 at 7:53 pm #339514
But doesn’t his statement “I can do better (than her)” change how you feel about him? Those are words I would not be able to overlook, even if the guy who said them decided later that he wanted to marry me. I would never marry someone who at any time felt that I wasn’t good enough for him. Would you?
In other words, say after two years he hasn’t found the woman of his dreams so he comes back to you and says he’s made a big mistake and would like to try again with you. How would that make you feel?
BFebruary 22, 2020 at 6:26 pm #339500
I understand what you’re saying. A year ago Andrew told your cousin “I think I found someone” (referring to you), but soon afterward his feelings for you changed. Since then he’s been searching for a woman to marry but so far hasn’t had any luck. You know this because he hasn’t uttered the words “I think I found someone” to your cousin since way back a year ago when he was referring to you. So your interpretation of all of this is that you’re special to him.
But Tari, his feelings toward you have changed. I’m sorry, but this is the truth. All the evidence you need is right here:
1. He told you he no longer wishes to be in contact with you.
2. He told your cousin he’s not interested in you.
3. He told your cousin that he can do better (than you).
But because a year ago he told your cousin “I think I found someone” (referring to you), you choose not to believe his more recent statements above. To you, his “I think I found someone” a year ago cancels out the way he feels today.
The very moment I find out that a man says he no longer wishes to be in contact with me, he’s not interested in me, and he can do better than me, I believe in my heart that we are done. Sure, I’m sad that he once felt differently about me, but I accept what he is saying. I believe him.
Hang in there. You’ll get through this. You’ll be okay.
BFebruary 22, 2020 at 4:24 pm #339488
…my cousin did explain that my brother made disrespectful comments towards Andrews mom years ago. He knew my brother was not the kindest person and at times was arrogant.
But did he know that your brother has it in him to physically strike a woman (his sister) giving her a black eye? I wonder, how did the rest of your family react to your brother striking you? Could it be that Andrew observed a family dynamic that didn’t make sense to him?
Also, I don’t understand how a 31 year old man who was so determined to get married in 2019 never found anyone. He was hoping to get married using arranged marriage
A lot of people wish they were married but have trouble finding the right partner. It’s not always easy.
He totally had every right to avoid an abusive family. He shared that his father had anxiety. Was never good to his mother and his parents never had more children because of how torn his family was… Even I was hesitant when he told me these things. However, I thought to myself who am I to judge? Who doesn’t come from. Some type of family issue?
Yes, no family is perfect, but physical abuse within a family is very serious, more so than a father with anxiety. You can’t blame a guy for not wanting to get involved with a girl who is a victim of physical abuse. It’s not wrong for someone to decide that that’s not something he wants to take on.
All Andrew told me after I asked him if I did anything wrong was .. ” no you did nothing wrong… Poor timing, sorry”
You DID do nothing wrong, but the situation is very wrong and very disturbing. You can’t minimize the seriousness of this situation. Maybe it’s just too disturbing for him.
I could have easily lied to him when he asked me about my relationship with my brother. However I saw he was being honest when he shared with me that his father is selfish, never had to work hard and had a silver spoon up his butt.
When you share disturbing details with someone you’ve known for 3 weeks, be prepared for the reaction you got.
I know 3 weeks sounds really short but if you saw for yourself the depth that he spoke to me, you would understand. It was like I became a part of his life. Asking me questions on how I would like my dream home to look and how he’s planning on getting a custom made home made .. where I want to travel… How many children I want …. Asking me to always keep him on his toes and he enjoyed he conversations … He even went ahead and started hinting to my cousin ” I think I found someone to marry” while blushing and laughing…
I get it, after 3 weeks you both saw a future with each other but by week 4 all of that changed. The only way to get to know a person is to spend a lot more than 3 weeks with that person. Three weeks is not enough time to know you’ve found “the one”. For example, after knowing him 3 weeks you thought it was safe to tell him about your abuse, but you were wrong. Turns out you didn’t know him well enough. Turns out he’s not what you thought he was. Good thing you found out before you married him!
He told you he doesn’t want to be in contact with you anymore, and he told your cousin he isn’t interested in you. Do you believe him? Or do you think he’s confused about what he wants?
BFebruary 22, 2020 at 11:10 am #339466
You and Andrew met and communicated within a span of 3 weeks. In that 3 weeks you exchanged messages and met for coffee. There was mutual attraction, some flirting, and even talk about the future, but there was no exclusive relationship and you hardly knew him having communicated with him for only 3 weeks. You were then physically abused by your brother and moved out of your home to escape further abuse. You told Andrew, whom you hardly knew, about your volatile family situation, and he told you he supports you in your decision to leave but then ghosted you. When you asked him about ghosting you he told you he’s not interested in keeping in touch any longer. He also told his friend (who happens to be your cousin) that he isn’t interested in you.
Tari, Andrew became aware of new information and (sorry if this sounds insensitive) had every right to change his mind about a future with you. I know it’s painful but it’s true. Some people believe that the family they marry into is just as important as the partner they choose, and maybe Andrew doesn’t want to marry into an abusive family. Maybe he sees this as trouble that he doesn’t want for himself or his future children. If so, it’s not fair that you are affected by your brother’s mistakes — I get that — but Andrew was/is allowed to make his choices and you need to accept that. After all, you only knew him for three short weeks and there was no relationship. You became worried that he wasn’t believing your abuse story, so to convince him you sent him photos of the black eye your brother gave you, and he did not respond. Also, your cousin decides to tell Andrew that the reason your brother abused you is partly because Andrew picked on your brother when he was younger.
A man was reluctantly inserted into someone else’s ugly family drama and even partially blamed for causing it. Let this guy go. This door is closed.