Forum Replies Created
July 8, 2020 at 12:31 pm #361052
No need to apologize. You are very welcome, and a special thanks to Anita for looking out for us both. Wikipedia says “Mindfulness is the psychological process of purposely bringing one’s attention to experiences occurring in the present moment without judgment.” While sitting in your garden that day you brought your attention from your distressing thoughts to your beautiful surroundings, which in turn calmed you and brought you peace. It’s amazing, isn’t it? The more you practice this the easier it gets. And try not to beat yourself up about not following your intuition with your neighbor. Your intentions were good so there’s nothing to worry about.
Best of luck to you, Juanita! 🙂
BJuly 7, 2020 at 10:08 am #360927
I hope you don’t mind my sharing my thoughts about your situation on this thread that you’ve addressed to Anita. I agree that this can be a “turning point” for you, an opportunity for real growth.
You were experiencing great distress, feeling ill with difficulties breathing, your body reacting from the sounds and smells of your traumatic past, so you sat in your garden to calm yourself and your senses slowly shifted to the beauty of your surroundings, breathing became easier, you started to feel safe and happy, your trauma symptoms lifted. You realized that you’ll be okay in spite of your unbearable history. You were at peace.
Later that same day you received a phone call from a friend who informed you of some hurtful things your neighbor had said about you behind your back. Feelings of rejection and worries of becoming an outcast in the community overwhelmed you. You no longer felt safe and happy. The peace you had felt was now gone.
What a perfect opportunity to practice what you learned earlier that day: no matter how distressing your situation, you have the ability to return to that place of safety, happiness, peace. It’s always at your fingertips.
Difficult situations will continue to present themselves. The more opportunities we’re given to practice mindfulness the stronger we’ll become. It’s liberating to realize that life’s struggles can no longer derail us, empowering to find ourselves on the other side of a crisis — to encounter your backbiting neighbor and have no negative feelings toward her. You’ve been there; now you need to return there as often as possible, but it takes commitment and focus.
To answer your question, I would keep my distance from my neighbor but if by chance we do happen to cross paths, I would be sincerely warm and friendly, send her the love that she so clearly is lacking.
BJuly 6, 2020 at 3:06 pm #360847
She said she really wanted me to think carefully about what I was about to say (because…it’s her way to of warning me that if I do anything wrong she will cut me off)
Hmmm, that feels a little like a threat, doesn’t it? I like Anita’s suggestion on what to message her, and then I would not contact her again. Take care of yourself; it’s what’s most important. Let the friendship and the stress go.
BJuly 3, 2020 at 10:10 am #360371
After reading your posts I’m relieved that you are not going to marry this man and into his family. As you struggle to make sense of all that has happened, try to recognize how valuable a learning experience this is. When we want so badly for a relationship to work it’s easy to overlook important clues that reveal a person’s true character. Thank goodness you are now seeing things more clearly: This guy is not who you thought he was.
Surround yourself with those who told you that you are out of this guy’s league. They’ll help you to see more, I’ll bet. Hang in there.
BJune 23, 2020 at 8:49 pm #359382
I don’t see anything wrong with bringing your own friends to this lunch as long as your girlfriend is okay with it. I can understand why doing this would calm you. I was recently talking with my son and his gf and she told me that when she first met his friends (at dinner at a sports restaurant/bar) she decided to bring her own friend with her in order to “take some of the focus off of herself”, so I’ll bet your feelings are not uncommon.
BJune 14, 2020 at 4:27 pm #358563
When you were with this guy you knew he was evading taxes. Failure to pay taxes can lead to criminal charges. While you were with him you saw him as “a person with high morals”. Why did you not see him as a criminal?
When planning your next move, don’t confuse justice with revenge. My two cents.
BMay 27, 2020 at 7:59 am #356981
You’re welcome, Rod, and thanks for the update. Glad you are feeling better. -BMay 18, 2020 at 10:20 pm #355880
You are welcome. It’s hard being tired, I know. At 6 months, your baby will be sleeping through the night soon. I would talk to your pediatrician for advice on how to make this happen sooner rather than later. Bedtime plays a part in this. Also, hunger isn’t the only reason babies wake up at night; they need to be able to learn to comfort themselves and fall back to sleep on their own when they aren’t hungry. Your pediatrician should explain all of this to you.
It’s much easier to get moving each morning when you’re well rested and that’s not happening for you. I hope it happens soon.
BMay 18, 2020 at 7:08 pm #355842
I don’t think this is a motivation issue. It’s a sleep deprivation issue. I have 3 kids and know about feeding babies at 4am. I strongly suggest that you stop getting up to help your wife feed the baby. I did the 4am feedings alone not because my husband didn’t want to help me but because he had to be at work at a stressful job at 8am the following morning. You need to be able to sleep from 2-8am with no interruptions, and then you need to have time on the weekends to make up for the sleep you’re not getting during the week. I hope you’re able to talk to your wife about this. Sleep deprivation leads to health issues including depression. Take care of yourself.
Making a bottle is easy. One arm is used to hold the fussy/hungry/precious baby; the other arm is used to make the bottle. Slam dunk.
BMay 15, 2020 at 2:26 pm #355234
You are welcome. Take care, Marcos! 🙂May 13, 2020 at 3:48 pm #354850
I love Anita’s response. One of the sounds I love most is a group playing basketball on a warm summer evening. I grew up with that sound and it would never occur to me that it would bother anyone. Another sound I love is a rooster’s crow. Growing up in my neighborhood everyone had roosters, so it would never occur to me that a rooster’s crow would annoy a person. Anita says: …much of what bothered me was not the noise itself, but that I thought that the neighbors were inconsiderate, that they knew the noise was bothering me and they didn’t care! That infuriated me. See, and I feel the exact same way about leaf blowers…can’t people be more considerate and use an old fashioned rake to get the leaves out of their gardens? But it just now occurred to me that maybe it never crossed their minds that the sound a leaf blower could bother someone. Everyone’s different. Thank you, Anita! 🙂
BMay 13, 2020 at 1:09 pm #354792
If your new fence is damaged, talk to the parents of the kid about it, suggest they purchase equipment (nets, etc.) needed to keep the ball from hitting your fence. Hopefully they’ll offer to pay for any damage their son has caused, but if they don’t ask them to. And if you see your husband only 30 minutes a day, you need to address this too.
There’s a basketball court in my front yard right outside my husband’s and my bedroom. We can’t move it into our backyard because we don’t have the concrete area that’s required there. One afternoon a young kid who lives nearby was working hard on perfecting his shots on our court (his mom had asked us if he could use the court) and an elderly woman in the neighborhood said to him “You’re not going to bounce that ball right now, are you? I’m trying to nap and the constant bouncing is very annoying.” So the kid apologized, took his basketball inside his house, and never came out to play again. This kid had big family problems, unfortunately. The best thing for him was to get out of his house and be active.
I realize that the sound of a kid playing basketball is very annoying to some but to others it’s not so bad. To me it’s a calming healthy sound. You can change the way you feel about a sound.
Parents of young kids are struggling during this pandemic. They can’t take their kids to local parks to run around and play football, but kids need to be active so parents are doing the best they can. Your problem is a temporary one. One day the pandemic will be over and kids will be back in school full-time and your days will be quiet again. Also, in the blink of an eye this kid will not be interested in football in his backyard any longer. He will be on his iphone/computer etc., maybe even getting into trouble too. The sounds that come from a kid playing football are so much better than the sounds of bottles breaking from a family’s alcohol induced arguments or the smells of cigarette/marijuana smoke.
Let him play football and change your thoughts about it.
I get it though. People are annoying. They let their kids do whatever their kids want to do. Why should your neighbors get away with letting their kids make so much noise when your kids are so quiet and well behaved? I have no good answer but my advice to you is that you need to figure out how to be happy in spite of other people’s annoying behavior because as your kids enter elementary school and are around a lot of other kids all day, and you’re around their parents too, things are going to annoy the hell out of you daily. Choose your battles wisely because there are countless potential battles ahead of you with teachers, coaches, principals, other parents, neighbors, PTA, etc. Let this one go. And also let go the one about your family members not paying enough attention to your kids when you did the opposite with their kids. Just let it go. Choose to be happy.
Things are not always going to go according to the plan. People are not going to act the way you expect. You have to be somewhat flexible and accommodating in certain circumstances. Don’t let everything trigger you. Choose to be more chill.
So to finally answer what I think you’re real question is, whenever you feel anger and tension, stop what you’re doing and focus on your breathing until you are calm again. Do this as many times a day as you need to and get very good at it.
BMay 12, 2020 at 9:44 am #354610
I love the advice you’re getting here especially the part about the breathing exercises. When I realize that my thoughts are creating distress in me I take a “time out” and focus on my breathing. I concentrate on each breath, visualizing the air entering my lungs and then exiting. When distracted by a thought during this exercise I let it go, relax my shoulders, and get back to focusing on each breath. My mind is constantly scanning for thoughts to attach itself to, often negative ones, so by concentrating on each breath I’m giving it a little break, and what a relief it is to have a little break. Like Alice said it may take many breaths to feel calmer.
David, this exercise may be very difficult and frustrating at first but if you stick with it in time you may realize that no matter where you are and what you’re doing you alone have the ability to feel better. Knowing this makes me feel empowered and brings me some peace.
BMay 12, 2020 at 8:17 am #354606
You are welcome. So glad it worked out! 🙂
BMay 10, 2020 at 11:34 am #354322
I asked the question because what I observe is that a lot of couples split before really exploring what the consequences may be. It’s possible that the freedom you so yearn for may not turn out to be as wonderful as you think. Life is weird that way.
…or maybe it will be as wonderful.
Many of us will be happy if only we can get that cooler car, bigger house, or sexier partner. I get that. But how long does the happiness last? Maybe until our new sexy partner suddenly isn’t so sexy any more, but that’s okay because we can move on to an even sexier partner, and the cycle repeats until we wake up one morning and realize that the person we were with years ago, the parent to our kids, has some incredible qualities and is really quite sexy too, but it’s too late. This person has long moved on.
Someone once said that the key to happiness is wanting what you already have.