Forum Replies Created
March 26, 2023 at 10:01 am #416772
If their actions demonstrate an unwillingness to forgive you following your sincere, heartfelt apology, then what else can you do but walk away? You certainly cannot chase them around begging for a relationship.
BMarch 24, 2023 at 10:36 pm #416656
I asked the question because I find it inconsiderate of your son to not inform you about the change in plans until the day before the event, unless of course he himself wasn’t aware of your daughter’s cruise trip until then.
You shouldn’t have to chase your adult children around “begging” to have a relationship with them, so I understand your choice to walk away. As a mother of three adult children myself I know how difficult raising kids is and I’ve made my share of parenting mistakes, for sure. There are no perfect parents. There’s no doubt in my mind that you love your kids and did the best you could in raising them, but if you are interested in repairing your relationships with them then listen closely to what they have to say about their childhood wounds and consider giving them both a heartfelt apology for any hurt your parenting may have caused them, even if you don’t see things as they do. It’s a hard thing to do but they’ll respect you for it, and it just may soften their hearts some.
BMarch 24, 2023 at 12:24 pm #416652
Did your son explain why he didn’t inform you of the date change for your Christmas Eve tradition until the day before the event? If not, why do you think you weren’t informed earlier?
BMarch 2, 2023 at 5:11 pm #415985
…oops, how to move forward:
Let her cool off. She’ll get over it.
BMarch 2, 2023 at 5:09 pm #415984
By not revisiting the sister trip before committing to the friends’ trip, you unintentionally hurt your sister’s feelings, but the sister trip hadn’t yet materialized into anything at all, and because the invitation for the friends’ trip was last-minute, you needed to quickly accept or decline it, so I see why you did what you did. We can’t always anticipate how our decisions will affect others. You made a genuine, heartfelt apology which was the right thing to do, and yes, her anger is out of proportion.
BFebruary 18, 2023 at 10:46 am #415563
This is a great thread.
The world tells us that to be successful we must obtain wealth, pleasure, power, and honor, but what happens if we have all these things and we’re still unhappy? Maybe the world’s priorities are messed up.
Maybe if we stop buying into what the world, and what our own distracted minds, tell us every second of every day, we’ll soon enter that flow of life that Peter describes. Maybe that flow will take us where we’re supposed to be, where we lose our selfishness and make positive contributions to the world, as aVoid describes. Maybe this is what being successful really means.
…and I’m not drunk either…lol.
BFebruary 16, 2023 at 10:12 am #415472
Work hard on those things she’s concerned about: 1) your negativity…get to the bottom of why you’re negative and fix that, 2) your tendency to allow her to take the lead on things…time to correct this too. 3) communication issues 4) not having independent interests/hobbies, 5) your defensiveness…maybe she’s looking for you to take ownership of some things.
It’s like you said, decide to be the best version of you that you can be. Individual therapy can help you achieve this. Make the big changes in yourself! Decide to become a genuinely more more positive person (a gratitude journal can help), have your own healthy hobby that you do independently from her, communicate effectively with her, start taking the lead on things, be less defensive. It takes time. Be patient. Work on improving yourself every single day. Show her how important she is to you.
BFebruary 9, 2023 at 11:02 am #415192
I’m very sorry about your dad and your situation. I’m no expert on addiction but I think that until your mom acknowledges she has a problem, she won’t be open to receiving help. You might try finding a local detox center and get their advice on how to get your mom admitted, but Im guessing that until she hits rock bottom she won’t budge. So in the meantime you and your brother need to take good care of yourselves. This means finding a 12-step program for family members of addicts. They will give you tools on how to cope daily with your situation, and you will meet others who are going through similar challenges, a possible support group for you and your brother.
Norit, before you get out of bed each morning, ask God, the Universe, Buddha or whatever you believe in to give you strength and guide you throughout that day. Then periodically as the day unfolds keep the conversation open, keep asking for help, and be open to receiving some answers. And keep building a life for yourself.
BFebruary 8, 2023 at 9:48 am #415165
This is good news, Dave!
Both you and your wife are exhausted and when this happens the intimacy between the two of you naturally takes a hit because any sliver of free time either of you has is spent tending to your own individual basic needs. Your basic needs are different from hers, just like my husband’s are different from mine. So we compromise and lower our expectations and become radically supportive of one another, even through our hurt feelings. Give it a try. Watch what happens.
BFebruary 7, 2023 at 10:44 am #415131
It’s a good text.
Don’t separate. Keep your family together. Marriage is tough. Don’t give up when things get gnarly! There have been times in my marriage that I was so consumed with raising kids/working/housekeeping/grocery shopping that I didn’t have the energy to nurture my relationship with my husband. Relax, allow each other to be human and just get through this difficult time. Support each other. Communicate to her that you are in it for a long haul and then stick to your decision and do your best every day, even if you feel you are not connecting. Don’t focus on the everyday annoying minutia; keep your eye on the big picture. Show each other grace and have faith that things will get easier and better as your kids get older. Fight for your family, Dave! Demonstrate to your kids that marriage is full of challenges, and then work through the challenges.
BFebruary 7, 2023 at 10:00 am #415130
I hope you return to the forums. You’ve done so much good here and I see this situation as a wonderful opportunity for growth for all of us. I got to the origin of the conflict and believe that in mid-May of last year an innocent misunderstanding occurred between you and another member. Why not resolve the misunderstanding and get back to the forums so you can continue what you do so well? Both you and this other member are important contributors to these forums. The forums are better with both of you here! I can no longer be as active on TB as I once was but I will briefly answer one or two posts today so that they don’t go unanswered.
BApril 11, 2021 at 5:57 pm #377515
You are welcome, and I don’t think you are being stubborn at all. Like you, I’m not nearly enlightened either, but I’ve had enough glimpses to know I’m on the right track. Pay attention to the glimpses. 🙂
BApril 11, 2021 at 5:32 pm #377514
Your perspective on the possibility of being on the spectrum makes a lot sense to me. I guess another benefit of having a diagnosis (in addition to what you’ve listed) would be that you could then get communication and social skills therapy designed specifically for Asperger’s individuals…but you could get similar therapy without a diagnosis too, I suppose. Anyway, I get what you’re saying. You make a lot of sense to me.
I’m so impressed with you, ninibee. As I’ve posted before on these forums, the people I admire most are those who, in the midst of difficult challenges, keep searching for the right paths to take, and that is you.
Yesterday Anita posted to you:
Your intelligence and perseverance on your various threads is evidence, in my mind, that you can do a lot of healing and that if you persist, by the time you are in your mid-twenties, you will be in a much, much better place, having your own space, a healthier mental space as well as practically, your own home.
I think it’s time to enroll in college, choose a subject matter that feels most interesting, something most likely to trigger some passion in you, and enroll, I say!
…both excellent, I say!
BApril 11, 2021 at 8:16 am #377481
I am still carrying a huge burden and no matter what I tell myself or what I try to do, it’s still there…I have not found the magic formula where I can fully let go and just be present.
The more negative emotion there is in a person’s “story”, the more impenetrable it becomes. In other words, Felix, you are completely trapped within the thoughts and emotions associated with your “huge burden” that stepping outside of it is impossible because you don’t even know there is an outside. You are trapped within your own horror movie.
The “magic formula” is to recognize that there is an outside to the horror movie and to go there. Step outside of it. How? First, by recognizing that’s it’s only a movie that you keep playing in your head. Next, when it starts playing, immediately begin focusing on your breathing which will bring you back to the present moment.
You need to commit to these two steps over and over and over again every single day. Soon they’ll become a habit, and before you know it you’ll stop identifying with the horror movie, the huge burden you are carrying, almost like it happened to someone else. Free yourself from your burden, Felix.
BApril 10, 2021 at 8:42 pm #377467
I’m sorry that rereading that thread upset you. With regard to the situation with the guy who blocked you on FB, I hope you can let that go. We’ve all done things we wish we could undo. It’s part of being human. If I were to think of all the times I’ve messed up, it’d be too much for me, would ruin my day for sure, so I choose to forgive myself. I say to myself I’m a human and humans make mistakes.
There is one bit of info within that earlier thread that I find especially interesting. It was when you told TB member Inky that you’ve always thought it’s possible that you are on the Asperger’s spectrum and that you’ve never spoken about it to anyone. Is this something you would want to know? Being on the spectrum would explain your difficulties with social interactions. What do you think?