Forum Replies Created
September 11, 2019 at 11:39 am #311677
You are welcome, and it sounds like you’ve thought through your options carefully and are now doing what’s best for you and your family, and that’s a good thing. To answer your question, no, I don’t think it’s wrong at all. I’m happy you’re healing from this unfortunate situation.
What you know now is that when crappy things happen, you’ll be able to weather each storm and be just fine. Well done. 🙂
BSeptember 8, 2019 at 4:02 pm #310905
When faced with a situation like this one I choose the response that will leave me feeling good about myself in both the short- and long-term. You don’t want to meet with this lady which makes a lot of sense to me, but ignoring her message will only create more animosity toward you. My goal would be to protect myself (not meet with her) but also to decrease some of the bad blood that’s between these women and me so that I can breathe easier when seeing them around town. So I’d probably respond with something like this:
”Thanks so much for your message. I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately at this time I’ll need to take a rain check. I hope you’re doing well.”
Done! This way you’re decreasing some of the anger between you and these women, and you’re also keeping the door open in case you learn something new that results in your suddenly seeing the whole situation differently.
Always take the high road.
Just my two cents. 🙂
BSeptember 3, 2019 at 3:20 pm #310189
Thanks for the update, and you are very welcome. What happened to you is classic female relational aggression. These women were successful in turning you into an “undesirable” within their pathetic little social circle, and it’s too bad (but not unexpected) that they rebuffed all your attempts to make things right. Hopefully you understand that this situation had very little to do with what you said about that one women’s separation, as that was only an excuse to push you out, and any good sociology book with a chapter on group dynamics can provide answers as to why they wanted to push you out in the first place. Rest assured, though, that in my experience, the nicest, most sincere people are those who aren’t part of an exclusive clique, those who don’t practice “group think”.
Nevertheless, it still hurts like hell to be rejected, but this painful experience has propelled you into mindfulness, and you’ve only scratched the surface, and that’s what I call grace. I’m proud of you!
To answer your question, I would probably start with the TB blog and click on the subject “Mindfulness and Peace”.
BAugust 15, 2019 at 3:14 pm #308139
I frequently hear one of the most vital components of healthy living that allows yourself the most fun and ‘permission’ is to simply let go and not worry…there’s no point to it. Is that one of the strategies you employ with your eating? Or do you simply not give it much thought at all? How much time and energy do you put into your eating beforehand and during?
As I’ve gotten older I’ve become much more aware of how I’m feeling both physically and emotionally and I’ve found that when I’m not feeling great physically that my emotions are then adversely affected. I’ve learned that food plays a significant part of this cause-and-effect for me. For example, I can no longer tolerate a lot of processed “junk” food. I’m not sure if it’s because my older digestive system isn’t as good as it used to be, or since it’s no longer routinely digesting all those extra chemicals, salt, and preservatives that it isn’t as efficient anymore at doing it, or finally if I’m simply more aware now of how bad I’ve always felt after eating this type of food. Regardless, I now associate processed junk food with not feeling well so it’s very easy for me to stay away from it.
The exact same thought process applies with regard to overeating. I associate overeating, even when it involves healthy food, with not feeling well so it’s easy for me to not do it.
I think the Western diet and lifestyle is totally messed up, to be blunt. We are eating large portions of “fast food” and not exercising regularly, and this is now considered “normal”. So people don’t feel well anymore, both physically and emotionally, and they’re reaching for the wrong fixes — opioids, social media, porn, etc., — to escape not feeling well.
K, I am not motivated by food; I am motivated by feeling well.
So to get back to your questions, no, I don’t employ eating strategies and I don’t think about food very much. The strategies I employ in my life are those that result in my feeling well physically and emotionally. I just want food that tastes good and helps me/my family feel well, so that’s what I’m thinking about when I grocery shop and prepare/eat meals, but those are the only times I think about food.
BAugust 14, 2019 at 4:22 pm #307943
I wonder about the afterlife too. I was raised to believe that we’ll be reunited with those we love but I just don’t know. I hope it turns out that way.
I think that self-inflicted troubles and porn addictions are very common, and so is having no one to talk to, so maybe knowing that your troubles are no different from countless others will bring you some comfort or reduce some weariness.
BAugust 14, 2019 at 2:05 pm #307915
I remember back when I was in college and being shocked at how little my grandmother who was in her late 80’s ate. I realize now that her body didn’t need a lot of food and that she was listening to her body. I’m now in my 50’s and what’s interesting is that when I overeat (which rarely happens now) I often experience uncomfortable symptoms like heartburn that I didn’t experience when I was younger. I think the anxiety creeps in when we don’t trust ourselves, when we’re afraid that we’re going to give in to our cravings (that are all in our heads) and then gain weight as a result, but the slowing metabolism happens to everyone eventually. Some people accept it and keep adjusting; others don’t.
I don’t think there’s a perfect eating schedule to keep the weight off and the anxiety at bay. I think as we age it’s constantly changing and we need to keep adjusting, but mostly just listening to our bodies. It may take a few weeks or so to learn how to listen to your body when eating. At first you may feel hungry all the time but eventually that will stop. Yes, it’s liberating once you crack the code, relax, and start trusting yourself, eat only when you’re truly hungry and realize that suddenly you don’t feel as well physically when you eat more than you need.
I eat much less than I did when I was a teenager and honestly don’t feel deprived. Right now I’m pretty content with two solid meals a day, one in the late morning and one in the evening, with healthy snacks in between, but this will eventually change I’m sure. I’m not afraid of gaining weight because it hasn’t been happening.
BAugust 7, 2019 at 11:41 am #307043
PS – I wish Peter would chime in because every time he does I look at mindfulness from a different angle and see something I hadn’t seen before, obtain a deeper understanding. On another thread he suggested author David Richo – thank you, Peter! I will also take a look at Present Over Perfect.August 7, 2019 at 9:05 am #307003
I’m with anita. I love your post. That’s how I feel too, that I need to keep my thoughts in check or else it means trouble for me. To me mindfulness is about bringing my attention to whatever is happening right now, and as regrets or worries creep in (which they will), being aware of what’s happening and letting them go. It’s about keeping a close watch on the activity in my head, being aware when unhealthy repetitive thoughts are bouncing around and choosing to get back to a healthier state. It’s an active choice I make over and over and over again every single day. What helps is letting my senses do the driving: what am I seeing (husband, kids), hearing (voices), smelling (eucalyptus trees), tasting (an apple), touching (my dog’s fur) — I’m instantly out of my head! Sometimes it’s easy; other times not so much, but overall it has greatly improved my life.
So I don’t have anger about my earlier situation because it forced me to find ways to cope with challenges, and the next challenge is always just around the corner so having a strategy in place beforehand brings me peace of mind. In my humble opinion, you are on the right path.
BAugust 5, 2019 at 8:55 am #306643
PS – Just now realized I didn’t answer your questions…
How long did it take? It’s ongoing. I still feel something when I run into some of these women but I can cope much better now. It happens slowly I think. Months, maybe years.
Where did I land emotionally? I feel strong emotionally. Much stronger than I did. Maybe there’s some apathy. I just don’t think of them anymore, that is, until I run into them and feel a little something, maybe there’s some sympathy for them…but then I get back on track.August 5, 2019 at 8:42 am #306639
First, most of the time I don’t think people who post photos are intentionally trying to make others feel bad. When you saw those photos online, you felt bad. Was it intentional on your former friend’s part? Maybe, maybe not, but either way it ruined your day. I think this happens a lot.
I began moving forward once I realized that it wasn’t the situation that was affecting my happiness, it was I. I was causing my own misery, drowning in my own negative thoughts. So one day I decided to stop in spite of the unfairness of the situation. So I read some books and learned how the mind works and how we sometimes need to detach from our thoughts. We can’t stop our thoughts but we can view them from a distance, not engage them or be dragged down by them. It wasn’t easy at first but it’s become a habit for me now.
What happened to you could happen to anyone. You tried to make it right but it turns out you can’t fix it so all you can do now is take care of yourself, heal, and get stronger. Don’t let these women affect who you are, and if you aren’t quite sure who you are then make a list of the qualities and values that are important to you and stick to that list no matter what happens. Sometimes we slip, make mistakes (nobody’s perfect), but then we forgive ourselves and get back on track. Take your power back from these women. They can’t affect you anymore.
No, you aren’t making too much of this experience. If you let it, this experience will teach you new ways to cope when things don’t go as planned.
BJuly 30, 2019 at 2:11 pm #305725
From a mom of a teenage boy who received a similar note on the evening of his high school graduation from a girl who’d been in his history class, I believe this nice young man is telling you the absolute truth and hasn’t been pressured at all, and what a gentle way he’s chosen to respond to you. Please respect his decision.
I am so impressed with you, Abby. What a beautifully written post! You have a very bright future ahead of you. What are your plans after high school?
BJuly 29, 2019 at 11:59 am #305511
The purpose of social media is a new popularity contest, to show everyone how perfect your family is, how booming you are socially, your fancy vacations…. Posters want everyone to know that they’re social and popular and out-about, etc. Yep, my sentiments exactly! It’s interesting, isn’t it, to think of this woman sitting in front of her computer (or her phone, or whatever) taking the time out of her day to upload personal photos to her social media with two purposes: 1) to elevate her own social status, and 2) to make those who weren’t included feel bad.
Now think of the millions of people around the world posting their personal photos online every day hoping to project an image of themselves that will make people admire them, want to be around them, think they are popular. Crazy, isn’t it?
I feel happy that you don’t drink the Kool-aid, that you’re on to the ridiculousness of social media. Honestly, the more selfies/personal photos a person posts online, the more respect I would lose for him/her.
I know this doesn’t take the sting away but I hope you know that you’ve reached a level of awareness that these women many never get to. Like you say, they are not your people.
BJuly 29, 2019 at 9:59 am #305493
I understand your feelings of sadness and betrayal. Surely the woman who posted those photos has social media followers who weren’t invited to the birthday party (in addition to you), so why post the photos? Why make others feel left out? Social media mentally baffles me. It was a smart move to unfollow these women.
The one good thing that may have come out of this situation is that you may now have more compassion for those who are excluded. I’m not saying that you weren’t a compassionate person before this situation. I guess what I’m asking is this: last year before this situation occurred did you ever think about the other moms in your community who were on the outside of this particular circle of women? Are there women who follow you and the others on social media who haven’t been invited to your parties, social gatherings, etc., but have seen the photos online? I think a lot of people don’t think about that when they post photos online. Again I wonder why do people post these kinds of photos anyway? What’s the purpose?
You hang in there, Karina. I know how hard this is. I really do.
BJuly 18, 2019 at 6:33 pm #303861
It feels unjust because it is unjust. And I understand how much it hurts when you run into those women. So, whenever you can, avoid them. If it’s impossible to do that in a small town then you need to figure out a way to rise above it and stay calm and present when you do run into them. I know you don’t see it now but this situation may be a blessing in disguise for you. You can become so much stronger from it. Like Mary Tyler Moore said, “You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”
As awful as rejection is, it gives us an opportunity for growth. Hang in there.
BJuly 16, 2019 at 3:47 pm #303633
What I’ve learned about women groups is that when one member doesn’t behave the way the others expect her to then that member is eventually pushed out. The only way to survive is to play the game. In other words, you can’t ever be perceived as a threat in any way to the queen bee or anyone who’s close to her or your days in the group are numbered. But you’re not a game player, you have a mind of your own, and they know this about you. They know that you are not easily manipulated. I think you were going to be pushed out eventually anyway and they are simply using your minor mistake as an excuse to do it because honestly it’s all so ridiculous. I mean, everyone has done what you did! Everyone has made the mistake of talking about something that he/she shouldn’t have. And you apologized over and over again! So anyway, this is the way women groups work, unfortunately.
Yes, I believe they will eventually get back from the universe what they put into it. A person can only treat other people badly so many times before it all catches up with him/her. Their time will come. I believe that deep down each one of these women knows she’s been behaving badly but her fear of being ostracized from the group herself is stronger than the guilt she feels about hurting you.
Maybe now is the time to reframe it as YOU not wanting anything to do with any of THEM. Seriously, they are not that great. Say to yourself thank goodness I’m free of the mean women in that group! You are now free of worrying how what you say and do will be judged and gossiped about by them. Realize that what you have now is so much better than what you had with them. You are free! As we get older we realize how important it is to surround ourselves with people who lift us up, that the quality of our friendships is so much more important than the quantity. And shame on those judgmental mean women for making you feel the way you do.
Oh and be careful not to base your sense of self on how you perceive these women now see you (“Looking Glass Self” concept). We ALL make mistakes, are all flawed, but they are trying to convince you that you’re the only one. Don’t believe them!