Home→Forums→Relationships→Should we Separate?!?
- This topic has 24 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 2 days ago by Lilibeth.
February 7, 2023 at 12:36 pm #415133
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been sleeping on the couch for two weeks and that it’s gotten the stage of one last try before separation. I can understand feeling worried about the couples counselling. Please let me know how you find it.
The text was beautiful, I can see the love behind it. You’re truly doing the best you can to heal the relationship.
Good luck with the couples counselling session.
Wishing you all the best 🙏February 8, 2023 at 1:52 am #415151DaveParticipant
Thanks for the kind words Brandy!
We had our 1st of 8 sessions yesterday with a couples counselor and I felt it went quite well, we were very open with each other and the lady we spoke with.
Quite surprised really but maybe this is what we need to re-connect – remained on the sofa last night but started to feel a little more optimism, and this morning she wanted to cuddle which never really happens. I have to admit I initially didnt want to embrace, as I am still very confused but I love her and above all else I want to make things work.
I will update further this week and again thanks so much for the kind words of support
DaveFebruary 8, 2023 at 4:34 am #415154
I’m glad to hear that your couples counselling session went well and that your wife wanted to cuddle as a result of it. That is a very positive sign!
I hope further progress is made in the following sessions. I look forward to hearing how things go.
Wishing you both good luck!February 8, 2023 at 6:18 am #415160RobertaParticipant
I am so glad that you & your wife went to couples counselling & that it was a positive experience and that your wife was able to verbalise her need for a cuddle and that you were able to overcome your initial ambivalence and literally embraced the situation to nourish her & your relationship.
If you both wish and are active in taking care of your precious family unit you will bring happiness not only to yourselves but will help with peace in a greater sense
RobertaFebruary 8, 2023 at 9:48 am #415165BrandyParticipant
This is good news, Dave!
Both you and your wife are exhausted and when this happens the intimacy between the two of you naturally takes a hit because any sliver of free time either of you has is spent tending to your own individual basic needs. Your basic needs are different from hers, just like my husband’s are different from mine. So we compromise and lower our expectations and become radically supportive of one another, even through our hurt feelings. Give it a try. Watch what happens.
BFebruary 15, 2023 at 4:39 am #415422DaveParticipant
Just returned from a short break as a family of 4 to Amsterdam, we didnt take our 3 yr old as there was a lot of walking and exploring.
Spent some time together and all still feels awkward as hell, the older boys have an inkling as to what is going on with us at the moment as well which we will need to address at some point.
We had our 2nd weekly couples counselling session last night, again a wave of emotions and negative thoughts are present.
My wife feels that I am constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on, like the gym or work things for me. I am just in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation and I need to just be the best version of me and see if she wants to make an effort to turn toward me.
She feels that there is an issue with communication and initiative on my part and I am not happy at the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We have been here before and it feels to me that she doesnt want to focus on repair for fear of me slipping into old ways – being negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything. So for me she isnt fully out nor fully in and this doesnt seem to be right! I get that we are in a make or break situation for our marriage but surely she has to decide she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways. Floating between the 2 is just confusing to me or am I misreading or overanalyzing everything?
Please help?February 15, 2023 at 1:46 pm #415433RobertaParticipant
The mere fact that she was willing & did go to couples counselling means that she has not completely closed the door on the relationship. Does the counselor give both of you homework to do to help you focus on growing your relationship between sessions? It is quite normal for people to yo yo, think how many times a day we do that….. what shall I wear……what shall I eat etc we certainly dont have a wardrobe full of identical clothes and eat the same meal 3 times a day 7 days a week so working thru issues in a relationship will involve a lot of waxing & waning of whether to stay or go.
Hopefully by the end of the 8 sessions you will both have a clearer idea on whether you both still wish to nourish the relationship.
RobertaFebruary 15, 2023 at 1:56 pm #415434
It’s nice to hear that you had a short family trip. It’s a shame that the older kids are catching on. That would be a challenging conversation to have.
Your second couples counselling session sounds intense.
The communication and initiative comment is confusing to me. You seem to communicate well. What exactly does she want you to take initiative with?
I can understand your feelings of feeling out of control and emotional. It seems like the ball is in your wife’s court to decide what to do.
I can understand wanting you to have other activities in your life.
So do feel like your wife is holding back because she feels like if she goes all in then she believes that you would go back to how things normally are?
I can understand the confusion caused by your wife’s hesitation when it comes to making this decision.
I would also add that it’s not the worst sign. She might not be ready yet. But she’s not on her way out of the door either. If all she can do is wait and see, it’s technically her trying to give you a chance.
What exactly she wants you to do in the relationship, I’m not sure. You’ll have a better idea of that.February 16, 2023 at 10:12 am #415472BrandyParticipant
Work hard on those things she’s concerned about: 1) your negativity…get to the bottom of why you’re negative and fix that, 2) your tendency to allow her to take the lead on things…time to correct this too. 3) communication issues 4) not having independent interests/hobbies, 5) your defensiveness…maybe she’s looking for you to take ownership of some things.
It’s like you said, decide to be the best version of you that you can be. Individual therapy can help you achieve this. Make the big changes in yourself! Decide to become a genuinely more more positive person (a gratitude journal can help), have your own healthy hobby that you do independently from her, communicate effectively with her, start taking the lead on things, be less defensive. It takes time. Be patient. Work on improving yourself every single day. Show her how important she is to you.
BMarch 5, 2023 at 12:41 am #416014LilibethParticipant
I’ve been reading through the thread a little and this is what I see:
you guys have grown apart emotionally because there was just not enough energy left for the want-to’s after taking care of all the have-to’s for years.
If you really want to reconnect emotionally and physically, make a plan together to get there.
1. Describe what you both want to achieve in a realistic way (being intimate, how does that look like for you). Describe it in details, even if it feels awkward.
2. When you’ve got your goal clear, start making plans on how to get there from scratch. Start with defining a moment where you are both available on a weekly basis, or more often. Like every Tuesday at 9PM and every Friday at 9:30 PM for example.
3. Then describe what you will do in those moments. She massages your nek for 10 minutes, you massage her feet for 10 minutes. While doing so you ask what she likes or dislikes and she does the same while massaging you. Afterwards you cuddle and discuss what you are feeling honestly. Were you scared to be rejected, or just started feeling that emotional connection already? Were you distracted with thoughts about the have-to’s? Write these questions down so you have them ready when the moment comes.
4. Add steps to get closer to the intimacy you both want (your defined goal) .
5. Commit to these times and block them in your agenda. And call it exercises at first. Before you move on to the next step in the plan, first check in with eachother, are you both ready to proceed?
6. Have fun together doing the intimacy-exercises and hug at least 8 times a day for at least 30 seconds. It will increase your happiness-hormones.
Things are not lost, you both need to recommit to being emotionally intimate.