Hi Dave

I am so glad that you & your wife went to couples counselling & that it was a positive experience and that your wife was able to verbalise her need for a cuddle and that you were able to overcome your initial ambivalence and literally embraced the situation to nourish her & your relationship.

If you both wish and are active in taking care of your precious family unit you will bring happiness not only to yourselves but will help with peace in a greater sense

Roberta

Hi Dave

It’s nice to hear that you had a short family trip. It’s a shame that the older kids are catching on. That would be a challenging conversation to have.

Your second couples counselling session sounds intense.

The communication and initiative comment is confusing to me. You seem to communicate well. What exactly does she want you to take initiative with?

I can understand your feelings of feeling out of control and emotional. It seems like the ball is in your wife’s court to decide what to do.

I can understand wanting you to have other activities in your life.

So do feel like your wife is holding back because she feels like if she goes all in then she believes that you would go back to how things normally are?

I can understand the confusion caused by your wife’s hesitation when it comes to making this decision.

I would also add that it’s not the worst sign. She might not be ready yet. But she’s not on her way out of the door either. If all she can do is wait and see, it’s technically her trying to give you a chance.

What exactly she wants you to do in the relationship, I’m not sure. You’ll have a better idea of that.

Hi Dave,

I’ve been reading through the thread a little and this is what I see:

you guys have grown apart emotionally because there was just not enough energy left for the want-to’s after taking care of all the have-to’s for years.
If you really want to reconnect emotionally and physically, make a plan together to get there.

1. Describe what you both want to achieve in a realistic way (being intimate, how does that look like for you). Describe it in details, even if it feels awkward.
2. When you’ve got your goal clear, start making plans on how to get there from scratch. Start with defining a moment where you are both available on a weekly basis, or more often. Like every Tuesday at 9PM and every Friday at 9:30 PM for example.

3. Then describe what you will do in those moments. She massages your nek for 10 minutes, you massage her feet for 10 minutes. While doing so you ask what she likes or dislikes and she does the same while massaging you. Afterwards you cuddle and discuss what you are feeling honestly. Were you scared to be rejected, or just started feeling that emotional connection already? Were you distracted with thoughts about the have-to’s? Write these questions down so you have them ready when the moment comes.

4. Add steps to get closer to the intimacy you both want (your defined goal) .

5. Commit to these times and block them in your agenda. And call it exercises at first. Before you move on to the next step in the plan, first check in with eachother, are you both ready to proceed?

6. Have fun together doing the intimacy-exercises and hug at least 8 times a day for at least 30 seconds. It will increase your happiness-hormones.

Things are not lost, you both need to recommit to being emotionally intimate.