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    *Further Update*

    Just returned from a short break as a family of 4 to Amsterdam, we didnt take our 3 yr old as there was a lot of walking and exploring.

    Spent some time together and all still feels awkward as hell, the older boys have an inkling as to what is going on with us at the moment as well which we will need to address at some point.

    We had our 2nd weekly couples counselling session last night, again a wave of emotions and negative thoughts are present.

    My wife feels that I am constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on, like the gym or work things for me. I am just in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation and I need to just be the best version of me and see if she wants to make an effort to turn toward me.

    She feels that there is an issue with communication and initiative on my part and I am not happy at the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We have been here before and it feels to me that she doesnt want to focus on repair for fear of me slipping into old ways – being negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything. So for me she isnt fully out nor fully in and this doesnt seem to be right! I get that we are in a make or break situation for our marriage but surely she has to decide she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways. Floating between the 2 is just confusing to me or am I misreading or overanalyzing everything?

    Please help?


    Thanks for the kind words Brandy!

    We had our 1st of 8 sessions yesterday with a couples counselor and I felt it went quite well, we were very open with each other and the lady we spoke with.

    Quite surprised really but maybe this is what we need to re-connect – remained on the sofa last night but started to feel a little more optimism, and this morning she wanted to cuddle which never really happens. I have to admit I initially didnt want to embrace, as I am still very confused but I love her and above all else I want to make things work.

    I will update further this week and again thanks so much for the kind words of support



    Hi all,

    Just to further add to this, we start our couples counselling sessions tonight which I am a little worried about if I am honest. Having spent the best part of 2 weeks on the sofa my feelings are still the same, although I totally understand her position. It seems counselling is really the last and final thing we can try before starting the official process of separation / divorce.

    Kills me to even write these words but I am realistic about the limitations and lack of connection we have.

    I wanted to seek your advice on the text that sent her yesterday and I will take on board any feedback you can share

    “So just wanted to share something with you… I would do anything to make our relationship work and it hurts to be where we are.

    I’m very aware our communication and way we generally interact are not great.

    I am very much looking forward to speaking more in depth with someone who is impartial and hopefully we can more clearly understand each other before we decide to work together to repair or go our separate ways.

    Regardless of which way we go I just wanted you to know that I am here for you. I would love to move forward and repair what we have not for the sake of the children but for us and what we have the potential to be as a couple. If not I will cherish fantastic memories that will live forever in my heart and with our beautiful children.

    I don’t need you to reply or say anything just know where I am…”

    I will revert following our session with a couples therapist. As always very much appreciate any thoughts and advice!


    Hi Helcat.

    Apologies for the delay I have been working away.

    Having a 3 yr old certainly keeps us on our toes, i think if i was in a position to take her out on a regular basis (date nights) financially i think this may not be where we are. We have the option of babysitters and rely on them at times to get a little free time for ourselves, it can be tricky but that is more of an excuse and i have to move past that and perhaps she will engage with me more.

    Time will tell i suppose – wish me luck and thanks you both so much for the input, I will hopefully come back to this thread with a further update in a week or so




    We share the household chores and I do more than my fair share around the house and with childcare etc, I would say its as close to 50/50 as you can get.

    Its the lack of initiative and sarcasm that she finds draining and she explains its really tough to remain positive and want to be close without passion and in her eyes the passion come through a drive to be a great person and someone who wants to get things done and also has a positive outlook on life.

    I just feel I am trying too hard to pull her towards me, when I should maybe be focusing on the things that are important to her and it might happen naturally.

    Right now we are at a crossroads, we both feel a break and trial separation would be best to take stock of the situation and whether we want to build the bond and work on the relationship or go our separate ways.

    The whole situation is just baffling to me in some ways as I have not done anything specifically major, like cheat or abuse or anything. More that our situation is a result of just growing frustrated with each other, “huffing” as I like to call it through life instead of working towards something that is deeper and long lasting.

    Hope this makes sense?



    Yes I find the comparison extremely infuriating as I don’t view myself in that way, friend and social interaction are important to me. My sadness is not that my father is the way that he is but that I appear to be giving off a similar impression to my wife. My dad lives 60 miles away and is who he is, and its not particularly something I think about too often. Only when she draws the comparison, and admittedly I have times where I can be lazy, unmotivated and this is likely why she uses this example.


    To add some further depth to the situation, we spoke further at length yesterday about our situation and my pain in the above summary. Her thoughts and feelings I can understand in some way, she feels that I can be lazy, sarcastic, unmotivated and show a general lack of initiative, almost like I have given up making an effort to keep the excitement and passion in our relationship. For this reason she explains it is difficult to connect with me and me affectionate and intimate. Like if I am not make an effort to remove some of her feelings above then when would she want to be close or intimate with me.


    I totally get it and can see her side, I know I haven’t been a good enough partner and she does lead on most things in terms of planning and organizing. I always say that’s just not my thing, and your really good at that part where as for me it causes me stress and anxiety. This isn’t fair to her really I see that after our chat last night!


    Most of the time it feels like a catch 22, I have to change things to draw her closer to me. I also feel that I would make more of an effort to do that if the closeness and affection was there in the 1st place, so I’m sort of stuck if you know what I mean.


    I really appreciate your thoughts and comments, look forward to hearing from you further



    Thank for the note in response, I absolutely would work on the relationship and try to repair it. I’m just not sure that’s what she wants that, we spoke further about this yesterday and it appears that she just doesn’t have the energy to make more of an effort. There is more context to this which I will also detail below

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