*Further Update*

Just returned from a short break as a family of 4 to Amsterdam, we didnt take our 3 yr old as there was a lot of walking and exploring.

Spent some time together and all still feels awkward as hell, the older boys have an inkling as to what is going on with us at the moment as well which we will need to address at some point.

We had our 2nd weekly couples counselling session last night, again a wave of emotions and negative thoughts are present.

My wife feels that I am constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on, like the gym or work things for me. I am just in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation and I need to just be the best version of me and see if she wants to make an effort to turn toward me.

She feels that there is an issue with communication and initiative on my part and I am not happy at the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We have been here before and it feels to me that she doesnt want to focus on repair for fear of me slipping into old ways – being negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything. So for me she isnt fully out nor fully in and this doesnt seem to be right! I get that we are in a make or break situation for our marriage but surely she has to decide she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways. Floating between the 2 is just confusing to me or am I misreading or overanalyzing everything?

Please help?

Hi all,

Just to further add to this, we start our couples counselling sessions tonight which I am a little worried about if I am honest. Having spent the best part of 2 weeks on the sofa my feelings are still the same, although I totally understand her position. It seems counselling is really the last and final thing we can try before starting the official process of separation / divorce.

Kills me to even write these words but I am realistic about the limitations and lack of connection we have.

I wanted to seek your advice on the text that sent her yesterday and I will take on board any feedback you can share

“So just wanted to share something with you… I would do anything to make our relationship work and it hurts to be where we are.

I’m very aware our communication and way we generally interact are not great.

I am very much looking forward to speaking more in depth with someone who is impartial and hopefully we can more clearly understand each other before we decide to work together to repair or go our separate ways.

Regardless of which way we go I just wanted you to know that I am here for you. I would love to move forward and repair what we have not for the sake of the children but for us and what we have the potential to be as a couple. If not I will cherish fantastic memories that will live forever in my heart and with our beautiful children.

I don’t need you to reply or say anything just know where I am…”

I will revert following our session with a couples therapist. As always very much appreciate any thoughts and advice!

@Helcat,

We share the household chores and I do more than my fair share around the house and with childcare etc, I would say its as close to 50/50 as you can get.

Its the lack of initiative and sarcasm that she finds draining and she explains its really tough to remain positive and want to be close without passion and in her eyes the passion come through a drive to be a great person and someone who wants to get things done and also has a positive outlook on life.

I just feel I am trying too hard to pull her towards me, when I should maybe be focusing on the things that are important to her and it might happen naturally.

Right now we are at a crossroads, we both feel a break and trial separation would be best to take stock of the situation and whether we want to build the bond and work on the relationship or go our separate ways.

The whole situation is just baffling to me in some ways as I have not done anything specifically major, like cheat or abuse or anything. More that our situation is a result of just growing frustrated with each other, “huffing” as I like to call it through life instead of working towards something that is deeper and long lasting.

Hope this makes sense?

@Helcat

Thank for the note in response, I absolutely would work on the relationship and try to repair it. I’m just not sure that’s what she wants that, we spoke further about this yesterday and it appears that she just doesn’t have the energy to make more of an effort. There is more context to this which I will also detail below