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Dave

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • #435240
    Dave
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    I cannot disagree with any and all of your comments, and thanks for the honest feedback.

    I did feel like I couldnt be along for quite some time and that I relied too much on the support and affection of a partner, I like that element of having someone but I am certainly fine and dandy without it and my cup feels pretty full to be honest. I ended my Irish fling at the end of May and spent the time up until now alone and focused on my own mental health and wellbeing, I have just returned for a weeks vacation with just my and kids and it was lovely to not have to think of or rely on anyone for my own happiness. I do value your points on the reliance of needing to have someone but it certainly isnt how I feel.

    I also feel its important to clarify that she has hinted and indirectly highlighted that she has feelings for me that have just never gone away.

    I wouldnt in anyway consider trying to make a permanent move with her if the points you make above were not addressed and clarified, but it is really hard when I have known her for nearly 18 years and we know each other so well. Maybe i should have clarified that providing she can offer me some assurance and take some responsibility for her part in the breakup and relationship breakdown then I’d be interested to explore it??

    I wouldnt make any rash decisions either way which would potentially damage the work i have done personally over the last 14 months… I want to be happy, and it really means a lot that you are so honest with the feedback – My overriding thought has been always that there are great memories and history over the last 18 years, but I wouldnt be suggesting re-kindling what we lost as I believe that man i was before is gone and I’d only be interested to learn if she wanted to be part of my future. If she isnt then my situation really hasnt changed too much…

    #435079
    Dave
    Participant

    Hello again,

     

    I’m looking for some help and advice again here… Things are and have been continuing to go well for me in my new way of life.

     

    I recently ended my Irish fling as it felt like I was starting to catch feelings that I’m just not quite ready for and the logistics of that becoming something more would be very difficult if I allowed it to continue.

    It has been 14 months since I separated from my wife and we have remained pretty close but from a distance still – we still co-parent really well and she knows I am a good father who is hands on as I know she is the same and that just works.

    Is it wrong that I still continue to feel like there could be something still there between my ex and I??? I can’t help feeling that we have both spent a large amount of time alone and I can still see she looks at me a certain way and I her, I try not to but there has been so much history between us… As I say I cant help feeling that I should put the question to her about wanted to see if we could go on a date together to understand if there is a chance – I feel very strange about it all for the first time recently and I don’t really know what to do. On one hand I am so happy with my life right now and have rediscovered what I had lost during our marriage, but having been on dates and met other woman none are quite the same as her and it has me thinking and confused… Do I risk asking her out again? If i do and she says no, then nothing has really changed i guess… I would never want to rekindle what was already broken, but I do think I could start again and see if we still feel the same way about each other and ultimately is there something still there where we could be together and happy again. It’s a weird thing to feel and I haven’t really got anyone I fully trust who doesn’t already know her to ask?? Any advice welcome

    Dave

    #432432
    Dave
    Participant

    @anita

    Thanks for the comments, our 3 children are my joint responsibility and I have them 3/4 days a week and completely 50/50 as a result of the separation. My ex has them half the week and then I have them the other half.

    My new home has enough space etc to work for me and the kids, but it is smaller than the family home.

    I did start of with walking for longer distances, but I am pretty decent shape and running keeps my mind free and I get a lot of time to think about lots of different things when I run – I don’t typically experience any issue with my knees, and I built up to the distances I am doing now also.

    As always I really appreciate the feedback as I continue the journey, I hope everyone remains well

    #432040
    Dave
    Participant

    I should probably add some context to the met a girl part, Im in England and she lives in Ireland just a short flight away. I really like her and it feels like we have both a physical and emotional connection which is great. I have told my ex that I am going to get out there and meet new people, So i dont see that I am doing anything wrong.

    We havent labelled our “thing” together and what it is and where its going but I kinda like that I have someone who seems to just get what I am going through whilst also gives me plenty of space to be myself and the great dad I want to be.

    I just didnt want you to think i’d jump into another relationship with someone, it has been extremely casual in that once a month I fly there and we get on really well, have fun together etc – but then i fly home and we dont see each other for another month apart from video calls. I just wanted to make that a little clearer 🙂

    #432036
    Dave
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I trust everyone is keeping well and 2024 has been a successful year for all so far.

    Just a quick update as it has been 5 months, TBF not a lot has changed other than the family house was sold and then fell through at the last minute 🙁 so we are kind of back to square 1. I met a girl who gets me and seems really keen to be with me whilst understanding my complex situation.

    My Ex and I have still not spoken formally about Divorce and I dont believe we will until the housing situation is resolved. I still struggle to comprehend that I have been separated for nearly a year now… wow! Every day seems a little more simple and I feel happier and have spent so much time focusing on myself and my mental health. I run now about 40-70km a week which i have never done, I go to the gym and i’m trying to continue to challenge myself which i love.

    I wanted to ask also, between my Ex and I we own to houses – 1 larger family home, (ex lives) and a smaller property that we owned but had rented out for many years (my current home). The Houses are jointly owned which is not in dispute but I have now lived in a much smaller house (like tiny) for nearly 11 months and everything is still being split down the middle, it just feels really unfair and costing me a fortune every month – if anyone has any advice or suggestions i’d love to hear? I want to be fair and equal but I am paying the same as she is for a much smaller place.

    Regards,

    Dave

    #425833
    Dave
    Participant

    @anita

    Thanks for the kind words, I really appreciate the help and support through this. I just dont want anyone to think I have given up hope… but for all the time I have hope I put myself in limbo. Meaning I hope she will change her mind and reconnect, but then that makes me pause at trying to move on – catch 22 scenario and the cycle continues!!

    Taking the control for myself is all I can do, I will continue to be a loving and supportive father and I have the children with me 50% of the time including through the week and weekends and I really do not anticipate any change there. I feel very alone when my children are not there and I am a very affectionate and loving person. Holding on to a hope of reconnecting is me looking backwards instead of forwards and I am making a change for me and nobody else, who knows what will happen! But it has been 17 years since dating and being with another woman…

    One thing I am sure of is that I feel equipped and ready as an independent father and responsible adult to allow myself to move on and meet new people.

    I will of course keep you updated as the journey continues

    Dave

    #425783
    Dave
    Participant

    @seaturtle

    A great note and it helps to read that you have had some experience being perhaps a little more relaxed shall we say. I am a good man, but like any man or women people have certain flaws and some of which cannot be changed. That doesnt make people bad just different and its important to focus on that which is unique for everyone as an individual.

    Again it has been quite some time since I updated this thread and I feel it is important to try and update, my SO and I have now been separated for 6 months and I have settled into a new place ready for my 1st Xmas. My wife and I are still in a good place in terms of communication back and forth regarding everything including the children, which really helps. Nothing has really changed on the relationship front, we are still very amicable and text most days but very surface level and transactional I would say.

    A few months ago I went to the house to help with some internet issues and we got to talking and one thing led to another and we enjoyed some time in the bedroom, but it felt like thats all it was just a physical thing. That has never been our issue previously – and we both said it felt soo good to be together that way just not right to be together as in a relationship! Since that I havent really pushed the issue, I’m in my lane and she is in hers so i like to think of it…

    I am spending xmas eve and day at my old house and we are going to sleep seperately to be there together for the kids and have xmas dinner together which I am looking forward to, I will add that I still have the same feelings for her and still feel drawn to her – even though I know she doesnt feel the same way, which hurts but I’m starting to move on.

    I don’t think there will be a chance for us to reconnect, which makes me sad but also thankful that I am 41 and can potentially go out and find someone who will appreciate all the good things I bring and want to be close to me etc. Although I can’t shake the feeling that this shouldnt be happening yet, I feel i’m ready to maybe go out on some dates and meet someone new! At the end of the day I could continue to wait around for her to change her mind which doesnt seem likely or I can try and get myself back out there.

    Or am I making a mistake? I don’t know…

    #420675
    Dave
    Participant

    @Tee.

    Yes 100% accurate with your feedback and statements above, sorry I haven’t responded earlier as I am sure you can appreciate this is a tough time emotionally.

    I think your last couple of points really hit me hard in the fact that I have seen this woman as superior for so long and been quite used to just accepting that. Over time that has eroded the attraction and emotional connection because I haven’t dealt with it or made a change or really delved into why my mindset and mentality hasn’t picked up on it. I think only now when I am thrust into the situation of formal separation can I start to pick that part of my mentality apart and find out who I am and what I truly value from life – If anything I think I need to discover who I am not 1st if that makes any sense?

    Things have progressed further with us, and we are now selling the family home. This feels really fast to go to separation and selling the family home all within a month… I mean financially it probably needed to happen and this will relieve some of the financial strain from both of us but it just feels fast.

    I also think me moving into my own place and setting up a separate life will really have a change in my thinking and feelings about myself – I will have to be accountable and responsible and mature enough to make my life and interactions with my children work. For me I feel I will start to work out more who I am and what I want, and that could be good or bad for our marriage but certainly something that is happening.

    I very much love my wife and want everything to work out and be who I think we could be as a couple, but your point makes a lot of sense – I have been pretending that I am her equal when mentally I still feel inferior and I need to dig into that.

    Maybe we can recover from this and maybe we cant, but either way I have to discover the real me, own it and not deviate from what that looks and feels like – I need to find the strength to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for. I am also concerned in part, that if I get to this point and realize my true self and self worth, I may not want to to go back into the relationship.

    I start 8 sessions of individual counselling next week so lets focus on the things I can influence and embrace a voyage of self discovery.

    #420137
    Dave
    Participant

    Thanks for the notes your words are tough to read in parts but also the truth, I’ll try to answer some of the above where I can. Negativity, can be something as simple as one of the boys doing something and I repeatedly continue to ask him to stop, to a point where my voice changes and isn’t nice to hear, rather that a tactic or redirection it starts to grind on me that he doesn’t listen. I then take it as a bit of a personal insult that I have to repeat myself and it boils my blood at times. My wife has no more time to continue pacifying the situation and it gets on her nerves.

     

    Partying, I no longer really do this and it was a problem previously but certainly not something we are ending our relationship over. The main problem is she no longer trusts or respects me, and for that reason cannot see a future in our relationship. This is coupled with the bombshell that she said she has felt we have been growing apart for the last 5 years or so but just paints a pretty picture of everything, but she cannot do this anymore.

     

    I don’t think she wants a divorce just yet, but the longer I am out of the house she seems to be actually enjoying the time without us arguing, I want her to be happy of course and I never intended to damage the relationship this way but if she doesn’t want to be with me anymore I cannot force it. I am happy to work on myself and prioritise my children but its 15 years of marriage and a lot of life, house, job, kids etc and can be a little overwhelming at times.

     

    I think her mind is made up, but she isn’t saying it directly. I feel there are 2 categories of Separation: 1. Separate and we are done, there is no way back – we will eventually end our relationship as a couple  2. Separate from each other – who knows what will happen, time will tell for our relationship

    I sit currently in 2<sup>nd</sup> category as I have hope to resolve our issues and move forward. I honestly believe she is in category 1 but keeps hinting it is category 2, which is really confusing.

    I watched Crazy, Stupid Love last night and in a lot of ways there are some similarities in our situation and although I am glad my wife has not moved on to another partner, I have lost my sense of self, mojo or whatever you want to call it. I’m not suggesting that I start hanging around bars trying to pick up girls but at least I know I have to change for me, for my kids and be the best role model I can be

     

    I really appreciate all of the help and advice, I’ll try and keep everyone posted

    #420088
    Dave
    Participant

    Hi All,
    I thought it was worth sharing with you an update after a number of months of back and forth with my wife.

    I havent provided an update for 4 months, so here I go:

    Factually, we are now seperated and living apart amicably, meaning I can come to the house and see my children including taking my daughter to bed 3 nights a week. This is a challenge and one that I do not like but have to respect my wife and her wishes. In early March this year i made a terrible mistake and it seems to have been the straw to break the camels back. At the time we were spending time apart but living in the same house and I had arranged to stay at a friends house one evening after work to give us both some time apart.

    After work I went for a few drinks, and a few more meaning it wasnt possible to drive to my friends house (also a friend of my wife) I said I’m going to stay local as the price of a cab was going to be expensive and stayed with a friend who i went for drinks with. This is where I have f*cked things up… I then suggested to the original friend that he say that I had stayed there instead of just coming clean and telling her that i just decided to stay elsewhere. There wasnt anything sinister in my actions but lying is one thing, convincing someone else to cover for me is another.

    My friend ended up telling my wife and she confronted me and I came clean about the whole thing and explained my reasons and rationale, which in my mind make sense but the whole thing has caused her to questions if she can ever trust me and has now lost all respect for me as a person.

    Coupled with the fact she thinks we have nothing in common, I never tell her what i want/dont want and effectively behave like a 4th child in the house – this is all too much for her and she wants to end the relationship. We are currently living apart as mentioned and decided to take some time apart (as we are saying to our kids) but after the 3 weeks of time apart her mind appears to be made up.

     

    I know i havent been a great partner, and I know I could do so much better. I have to be honest i really don’t want the relationship to end, I still love and adore so many things about her – any advice would be greatly appreciated once again!

    #415422
    Dave
    Participant

    *Further Update*

    Just returned from a short break as a family of 4 to Amsterdam, we didnt take our 3 yr old as there was a lot of walking and exploring.

    Spent some time together and all still feels awkward as hell, the older boys have an inkling as to what is going on with us at the moment as well which we will need to address at some point.

    We had our 2nd weekly couples counselling session last night, again a wave of emotions and negative thoughts are present.

    My wife feels that I am constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on, like the gym or work things for me. I am just in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation and I need to just be the best version of me and see if she wants to make an effort to turn toward me.

    She feels that there is an issue with communication and initiative on my part and I am not happy at the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We have been here before and it feels to me that she doesnt want to focus on repair for fear of me slipping into old ways – being negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything. So for me she isnt fully out nor fully in and this doesnt seem to be right! I get that we are in a make or break situation for our marriage but surely she has to decide she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways. Floating between the 2 is just confusing to me or am I misreading or overanalyzing everything?

    Please help?

    #415151
    Dave
    Participant

    Thanks for the kind words Brandy!

    We had our 1st of 8 sessions yesterday with a couples counselor and I felt it went quite well, we were very open with each other and the lady we spoke with.

    Quite surprised really but maybe this is what we need to re-connect – remained on the sofa last night but started to feel a little more optimism, and this morning she wanted to cuddle which never really happens. I have to admit I initially didnt want to embrace, as I am still very confused but I love her and above all else I want to make things work.

    I will update further this week and again thanks so much for the kind words of support

    Dave

    #415128
    Dave
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Just to further add to this, we start our couples counselling sessions tonight which I am a little worried about if I am honest. Having spent the best part of 2 weeks on the sofa my feelings are still the same, although I totally understand her position. It seems counselling is really the last and final thing we can try before starting the official process of separation / divorce.

    Kills me to even write these words but I am realistic about the limitations and lack of connection we have.

    I wanted to seek your advice on the text that sent her yesterday and I will take on board any feedback you can share

    “So just wanted to share something with you… I would do anything to make our relationship work and it hurts to be where we are.

    I’m very aware our communication and way we generally interact are not great.

    I am very much looking forward to speaking more in depth with someone who is impartial and hopefully we can more clearly understand each other before we decide to work together to repair or go our separate ways.

    Regardless of which way we go I just wanted you to know that I am here for you. I would love to move forward and repair what we have not for the sake of the children but for us and what we have the potential to be as a couple. If not I will cherish fantastic memories that will live forever in my heart and with our beautiful children.

    I don’t need you to reply or say anything just know where I am…”

    I will revert following our session with a couples therapist. As always very much appreciate any thoughts and advice!

    #414513
    Dave
    Participant

    Hi Helcat.

    Apologies for the delay I have been working away.

    Having a 3 yr old certainly keeps us on our toes, i think if i was in a position to take her out on a regular basis (date nights) financially i think this may not be where we are. We have the option of babysitters and rely on them at times to get a little free time for ourselves, it can be tricky but that is more of an excuse and i have to move past that and perhaps she will engage with me more.

    Time will tell i suppose – wish me luck and thanks you both so much for the input, I will hopefully come back to this thread with a further update in a week or so

    Dave

    #414420
    Dave
    Participant

    @Helcat,

    We share the household chores and I do more than my fair share around the house and with childcare etc, I would say its as close to 50/50 as you can get.

    Its the lack of initiative and sarcasm that she finds draining and she explains its really tough to remain positive and want to be close without passion and in her eyes the passion come through a drive to be a great person and someone who wants to get things done and also has a positive outlook on life.

    I just feel I am trying too hard to pull her towards me, when I should maybe be focusing on the things that are important to her and it might happen naturally.

    Right now we are at a crossroads, we both feel a break and trial separation would be best to take stock of the situation and whether we want to build the bond and work on the relationship or go our separate ways.

    The whole situation is just baffling to me in some ways as I have not done anything specifically major, like cheat or abuse or anything. More that our situation is a result of just growing frustrated with each other, “huffing” as I like to call it through life instead of working towards something that is deeper and long lasting.

    Hope this makes sense?

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