Hi all,

I trust everyone is keeping well and 2024 has been a successful year for all so far.

Just a quick update as it has been 5 months, TBF not a lot has changed other than the family house was sold and then fell through at the last minute 🙁 so we are kind of back to square 1. I met a girl who gets me and seems really keen to be with me whilst understanding my complex situation.

My Ex and I have still not spoken formally about Divorce and I dont believe we will until the housing situation is resolved. I still struggle to comprehend that I have been separated for nearly a year now… wow! Every day seems a little more simple and I feel happier and have spent so much time focusing on myself and my mental health. I run now about 40-70km a week which i have never done, I go to the gym and i’m trying to continue to challenge myself which i love.

I wanted to ask also, between my Ex and I we own to houses – 1 larger family home, (ex lives) and a smaller property that we owned but had rented out for many years (my current home). The Houses are jointly owned which is not in dispute but I have now lived in a much smaller house (like tiny) for nearly 11 months and everything is still being split down the middle, it just feels really unfair and costing me a fortune every month – if anyone has any advice or suggestions i’d love to hear? I want to be fair and equal but I am paying the same as she is for a much smaller place.

Regards,

Dave

@seaturtle

A great note and it helps to read that you have had some experience being perhaps a little more relaxed shall we say. I am a good man, but like any man or women people have certain flaws and some of which cannot be changed. That doesnt make people bad just different and its important to focus on that which is unique for everyone as an individual.

Again it has been quite some time since I updated this thread and I feel it is important to try and update, my SO and I have now been separated for 6 months and I have settled into a new place ready for my 1st Xmas. My wife and I are still in a good place in terms of communication back and forth regarding everything including the children, which really helps. Nothing has really changed on the relationship front, we are still very amicable and text most days but very surface level and transactional I would say.

A few months ago I went to the house to help with some internet issues and we got to talking and one thing led to another and we enjoyed some time in the bedroom, but it felt like thats all it was just a physical thing. That has never been our issue previously – and we both said it felt soo good to be together that way just not right to be together as in a relationship! Since that I havent really pushed the issue, I’m in my lane and she is in hers so i like to think of it…

I am spending xmas eve and day at my old house and we are going to sleep seperately to be there together for the kids and have xmas dinner together which I am looking forward to, I will add that I still have the same feelings for her and still feel drawn to her – even though I know she doesnt feel the same way, which hurts but I’m starting to move on.

I don’t think there will be a chance for us to reconnect, which makes me sad but also thankful that I am 41 and can potentially go out and find someone who will appreciate all the good things I bring and want to be close to me etc. Although I can’t shake the feeling that this shouldnt be happening yet, I feel i’m ready to maybe go out on some dates and meet someone new! At the end of the day I could continue to wait around for her to change her mind which doesnt seem likely or I can try and get myself back out there.

Or am I making a mistake? I don’t know…

Thanks for the notes your words are tough to read in parts but also the truth, I’ll try to answer some of the above where I can. Negativity, can be something as simple as one of the boys doing something and I repeatedly continue to ask him to stop, to a point where my voice changes and isn’t nice to hear, rather that a tactic or redirection it starts to grind on me that he doesn’t listen. I then take it as a bit of a personal insult that I have to repeat myself and it boils my blood at times. My wife has no more time to continue pacifying the situation and it gets on her nerves.

Partying, I no longer really do this and it was a problem previously but certainly not something we are ending our relationship over. The main problem is she no longer trusts or respects me, and for that reason cannot see a future in our relationship. This is coupled with the bombshell that she said she has felt we have been growing apart for the last 5 years or so but just paints a pretty picture of everything, but she cannot do this anymore.

I don’t think she wants a divorce just yet, but the longer I am out of the house she seems to be actually enjoying the time without us arguing, I want her to be happy of course and I never intended to damage the relationship this way but if she doesn’t want to be with me anymore I cannot force it. I am happy to work on myself and prioritise my children but its 15 years of marriage and a lot of life, house, job, kids etc and can be a little overwhelming at times.

I think her mind is made up, but she isn’t saying it directly. I feel there are 2 categories of Separation: 1. Separate and we are done, there is no way back – we will eventually end our relationship as a couple  2. Separate from each other – who knows what will happen, time will tell for our relationship

I sit currently in 2^nd category as I have hope to resolve our issues and move forward. I honestly believe she is in category 1 but keeps hinting it is category 2, which is really confusing.

I watched Crazy, Stupid Love last night and in a lot of ways there are some similarities in our situation and although I am glad my wife has not moved on to another partner, I have lost my sense of self, mojo or whatever you want to call it. I’m not suggesting that I start hanging around bars trying to pick up girls but at least I know I have to change for me, for my kids and be the best role model I can be

I really appreciate all of the help and advice, I’ll try and keep everyone posted

*Further Update*

Just returned from a short break as a family of 4 to Amsterdam, we didnt take our 3 yr old as there was a lot of walking and exploring.

Spent some time together and all still feels awkward as hell, the older boys have an inkling as to what is going on with us at the moment as well which we will need to address at some point.

We had our 2nd weekly couples counselling session last night, again a wave of emotions and negative thoughts are present.

My wife feels that I am constantly around as opposed to having our own things going on, like the gym or work things for me. I am just in a constant state of feeling out of control and emotional about our situation and I need to just be the best version of me and see if she wants to make an effort to turn toward me.

She feels that there is an issue with communication and initiative on my part and I am not happy at the lack of intimacy in our relationship. We have been here before and it feels to me that she doesnt want to focus on repair for fear of me slipping into old ways – being negative, defensive and letting her lead on everything. So for me she isnt fully out nor fully in and this doesnt seem to be right! I get that we are in a make or break situation for our marriage but surely she has to decide she either wants to try and work with me or make a decision to part ways. Floating between the 2 is just confusing to me or am I misreading or overanalyzing everything?

Please help?

Hi all,

Just to further add to this, we start our couples counselling sessions tonight which I am a little worried about if I am honest. Having spent the best part of 2 weeks on the sofa my feelings are still the same, although I totally understand her position. It seems counselling is really the last and final thing we can try before starting the official process of separation / divorce.

Kills me to even write these words but I am realistic about the limitations and lack of connection we have.

I wanted to seek your advice on the text that sent her yesterday and I will take on board any feedback you can share

“So just wanted to share something with you… I would do anything to make our relationship work and it hurts to be where we are.

I’m very aware our communication and way we generally interact are not great.

I am very much looking forward to speaking more in depth with someone who is impartial and hopefully we can more clearly understand each other before we decide to work together to repair or go our separate ways.

Regardless of which way we go I just wanted you to know that I am here for you. I would love to move forward and repair what we have not for the sake of the children but for us and what we have the potential to be as a couple. If not I will cherish fantastic memories that will live forever in my heart and with our beautiful children.

I don’t need you to reply or say anything just know where I am…”

I will revert following our session with a couples therapist. As always very much appreciate any thoughts and advice!

@Helcat,

We share the household chores and I do more than my fair share around the house and with childcare etc, I would say its as close to 50/50 as you can get.

Its the lack of initiative and sarcasm that she finds draining and she explains its really tough to remain positive and want to be close without passion and in her eyes the passion come through a drive to be a great person and someone who wants to get things done and also has a positive outlook on life.

I just feel I am trying too hard to pull her towards me, when I should maybe be focusing on the things that are important to her and it might happen naturally.

Right now we are at a crossroads, we both feel a break and trial separation would be best to take stock of the situation and whether we want to build the bond and work on the relationship or go our separate ways.

The whole situation is just baffling to me in some ways as I have not done anything specifically major, like cheat or abuse or anything. More that our situation is a result of just growing frustrated with each other, “huffing” as I like to call it through life instead of working towards something that is deeper and long lasting.

Hope this makes sense?

@Helcat

Thank for the note in response, I absolutely would work on the relationship and try to repair it. I’m just not sure that’s what she wants that, we spoke further about this yesterday and it appears that she just doesn’t have the energy to make more of an effort. There is more context to this which I will also detail below