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Dave

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  • #414513
    Dave
    Participant

    Hi Helcat.

    Apologies for the delay I have been working away.

    Having a 3 yr old certainly keeps us on our toes, i think if i was in a position to take her out on a regular basis (date nights) financially i think this may not be where we are. We have the option of babysitters and rely on them at times to get a little free time for ourselves, it can be tricky but that is more of an excuse and i have to move past that and perhaps she will engage with me more.

    Time will tell i suppose – wish me luck and thanks you both so much for the input, I will hopefully come back to this thread with a further update in a week or so

    Dave

    #414420
    Dave
    Participant

    @Helcat,

    We share the household chores and I do more than my fair share around the house and with childcare etc, I would say its as close to 50/50 as you can get.

    Its the lack of initiative and sarcasm that she finds draining and she explains its really tough to remain positive and want to be close without passion and in her eyes the passion come through a drive to be a great person and someone who wants to get things done and also has a positive outlook on life.

    I just feel I am trying too hard to pull her towards me, when I should maybe be focusing on the things that are important to her and it might happen naturally.

    Right now we are at a crossroads, we both feel a break and trial separation would be best to take stock of the situation and whether we want to build the bond and work on the relationship or go our separate ways.

    The whole situation is just baffling to me in some ways as I have not done anything specifically major, like cheat or abuse or anything. More that our situation is a result of just growing frustrated with each other, “huffing” as I like to call it through life instead of working towards something that is deeper and long lasting.

    Hope this makes sense?

    #414418
    Dave
    Participant

    @anita

    Yes I find the comparison extremely infuriating as I don’t view myself in that way, friend and social interaction are important to me. My sadness is not that my father is the way that he is but that I appear to be giving off a similar impression to my wife. My dad lives 60 miles away and is who he is, and its not particularly something I think about too often. Only when she draws the comparison, and admittedly I have times where I can be lazy, unmotivated and this is likely why she uses this example.

     

    To add some further depth to the situation, we spoke further at length yesterday about our situation and my pain in the above summary. Her thoughts and feelings I can understand in some way, she feels that I can be lazy, sarcastic, unmotivated and show a general lack of initiative, almost like I have given up making an effort to keep the excitement and passion in our relationship. For this reason she explains it is difficult to connect with me and me affectionate and intimate. Like if I am not make an effort to remove some of her feelings above then when would she want to be close or intimate with me.

     

    I totally get it and can see her side, I know I haven’t been a good enough partner and she does lead on most things in terms of planning and organizing. I always say that’s just not my thing, and your really good at that part where as for me it causes me stress and anxiety. This isn’t fair to her really I see that after our chat last night!

     

    Most of the time it feels like a catch 22, I have to change things to draw her closer to me. I also feel that I would make more of an effort to do that if the closeness and affection was there in the 1<sup>st</sup> place, so I’m sort of stuck if you know what I mean.

     

    I really appreciate your thoughts and comments, look forward to hearing from you further

    #414417
    Dave
    Participant

    @Helcat

    Thank for the note in response, I absolutely would work on the relationship and try to repair it. I’m just not sure that’s what she wants that, we spoke further about this yesterday and it appears that she just doesn’t have the energy to make more of an effort. There is more context to this which I will also detail below

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