Hi Dave,

you are welcome. I am glad that this is a sort of a wake-up call for you, where you’ve realized you need to find yourself again (I have lost my sense of self, mojo or whatever you want to call it), and be a good role model for your children as well.

I don’t think she wants a divorce just yet, but the longer I am out of the house she seems to be actually enjoying the time without us arguing,

It seems you believe that spending time apart is what she wants. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why you went out to drink in March, when that incident happened:

At the time we were spending time apart but living in the same house and I had arranged to stay at a friends house one evening after work to give us both some time apart.

It seems you planned to sleep elsewhere that night (at a mutual friend’s place), and you believed she would be fine with that arrangement, right? You even thought she would appreciate it, since it would give her some time alone.

But then you had a few drinks too many and stayed at another friend’s place (the one you were drinking with), because you couldn’t drive to the first friend. When you lied about where you spent the night, she got very upset. You say this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, after which she decided that you should live separately (the whole thing has caused her to questions if she can ever trust me and has now lost all respect for me as a person.)

While I see how your lying about your whereabouts was upsetting for her, I don’t see it as a huge sin and something that should cause her to completely lose respect for you. You simply stayed at a different friend, because you drank too much. It was a practical solution.

However, what I think is a bigger problem is that you believed that sleeping at a friend’s place from time to time (after a drinking session at a bar) was a good solution for your marriage and something she appreciates. You thought she’d appreciate if you’re not around.

But her strong reaction tells me that she didn’t appreciate it at all. Not only because you lied about where you spent the night, but also because you chose to spend the night away, sort of escaping problems, and distancing yourself even more from her. At least that’s how I would see your actions if I were her: not wanting to work on problems, but distancing yourself even more.

I think that’s the reason for her very strong reaction, which lead to you living separately.

So when you say (I paraphrase) “the longer I am away, the happier she is”, I think it’s a big misconception. She doesn’t want you to be away and out of her sight (even if she might say so). Instead, I think she wants you to be present, but perhaps with a different quality.

It seems that right now, she doesn’t think very highly of you: she is comparing you with your father, telling you you’re lazy, telling you you have nothing in common, telling you you’re like a 4th child, looking down at you when you lose your temper with your son, etc. It seems to me that at the moment, she is looking at you almost with contempt. And contempt is a killer of marriages.

I don’t know how it came to this, but what I feel is that you don’t respect yourself enough. And then you do things (like drinking and staying away from home) with which you sabotage yourself. And this ruins how she sees you even more.

It seems you saw her as superior to you from the very beginning of your marriage:

when we got married I cried saying my vows and couldn’t believe my luck that this beautiful wonderful women who seemed all together perfect wanted to be with me and forge a life together.

It seems you couldn’t believe that she – this amazing superwoman – chose the inferior you. I don’t know how she saw you – whether she too saw you as inferior. But I get the feeling that at least from your side, you felt she is much better than you. That you’re not good enough. And that set the tone for your marriage dynamic.

If so, you would indeed need to start working on yourself, primarily on your sense of self-worth. Which has the power to change your entire marriage dynamic. Because if you respect yourself more, there is a pretty high chance that she too will respect you more.

What do you say? Does this ring true?

Hi Dave,

good to hear from you again, and no worries – you can take as much time as you need. I understand this is not an easy situation and you’re going through a lot at the moment.

I am sorry to hear you’re already selling the family home, which means your wife is determined to proceed with the separation. But at the same time, as you said, it is forcing you to take stock of your life and find who you really are and what you stand for. And that’s super important, because you want to live your life as your authentic self, not someone conditioned to be something you are not.

I am glad you’ve realized that you’ve always seen your wife as superior and better than you. And you’re right, that’s not good for the relationship and kills emotional intimacy (Over time that has eroded the attraction and emotional connection). I guess if we feel inferior and on top of it, feel judged by our partner, we’ll have a hard time opening up and confiding about anything that’s bothering us, because we might fear criticism and further judgment.

I know you said your wife did criticize you for being indecisive and leaving all the big decisions to her. For some women it’s not a problem that they are the “boss” in the family because their husband helps and contributes a lot in other areas, and so they are fine with making financial decisions, buying property etc.

But it seems your wife didn’t like that you’re more of a “follower” than leader, and she looked down on you. That itself might have contributed to the superior/inferior dynamic and created a wedge between you. Because she saw you as not good enough, as not strong and decisive enough, whereas she might have overlooked and not appreciated your other qualities.

I also think me moving into my own place and setting up a separate life will really have a change in my thinking and feelings about myself – I will have to be accountable and responsible and mature enough to make my life and interactions with my children work.

Yes, do try to be a caring and responsible father to your children (as I am sure you have been till now too), and make sure to fulfill your duties, keep all your appointments etc. In other words, don’t allow yourself to go drinking in the bar and then miss your appointments. Sorry if this sounds inappropriate – I am mentioning it only because there were situations in the past where you self-sabotaged by going out and drinking. I know it was to get away from your wife, and that you actually fulfilled your paternal duties. But nevertheless, just saying – keep yourself to his high standard to be a good dad to your children and be there for them maximally.

Maybe we can recover from this and maybe we cant, but either way I have to discover the real me, own it and not deviate from what that looks and feels like – I need to find the strength to be at peace with who I am and what I stand for. I am also concerned in part, that if I get to this point and realize my true self and self worth, I may not want to to go back into the relationship.

Definitely, you need to discover the real you and not compromise it, not diminish yourself to please someone else. But do you think your real self would be unacceptable to your wife? Or that you wouldn’t like some of your wife’s features, once you fully embrace your true self?

I start 8 sessions of individual counselling next week so lets focus on the things I can influence and embrace a voyage of self discovery.

That’s a great plan, Dave. You’re approaching it with great maturity, although I know this whole situation is painful for you. But you finding yourself is the silver lining of this marriage crisis, and so yes, go for it. You’ll come stronger on the other side!